Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his kids

[BePeppyDuck]

So my sister (28) broke down crying the other day after her and her BF got into an argument. Her BF (29) has been diagnosed with cancer and hasnt got much time to live but her BF was accusing her of not loving him enough and was saying that he wants to sell the house now. He paid the deposite and was also paying the mortgage, He also was paying for life insurance so my sister wouldnt have to worry about paying the mortgage if he passes.

He's actually a really nice man and they never once got into an argument. He helped out my sister and my family Alot but my sister says that she doesnt see the point in having his kids because he wont be around and she doesnt want her kids growing up without a father.

But although he paid the deposite and mortgage, the house is in both of thier names. He started saying that my sister must not love him enough because she wont have his kids and that he doesnt want to die only for her to have kids with another man in a mortgage free house in which he paid the deposite for. I think my sister wants to keep the house but she doesnt have enough money to buy him out or even pay the monthly mortgage.

I dont know what I should do in this situation or what advice to give

So freeze the sperm. This isnt difficult, but I'm not in the situation. Do what is needed to make this man's final journey as comfortable as possible. Decisions change and after he's gone, she can do whatever.

I absolutely think the sister should be looking out for herself. She should seek independent legal advice.

Shes listed as a home owner yet he wants conditions on her getting the house which really isn't right.
She might need to support herself and seek full time work. That will also impact her ability to provide him care.

My biggest fear is dying before my youngest is a fully fledged adult. I really don't think its fair to a child to have them conceived posthumously.

However the sister might feel in a few years yes she does want his baby. But then I also have no idea how single parents cope trying to work full-time and raise a family.

Its a very heartbreaking and complicated situation. They both need councilling and legal advice.

First of all they should get married. After that they can stock his sperm for when she feels comfortable and confident for after he’s death, to carry out his wishes. But not beforehand as, the cortisone level in her body will be so high, trying to cope with her DH, it would not be in anyway safe for the unborn baby.

Agree. Why aren’t posters questioning his love for her if he wants to sell their home out from under her and blackmail her into doing what he wants because she fears for her future.

This depends on what if any treatment he’s had for the cancer. If chemo or radiotherapy it’s unlikely that his sperm is viable.

@Needspaceforlego "She's listed as a home owner yet he wants conditions on her getting the house which really isn't right." Well, if their ownership is as "Joint Tenants" (rather than "Tenants in Common") the house will go to her anyway under survivorship, but she needs to confirm in which of these ways they own the house. The problem she will have if they're Joint Tenants is that, if he changes the beneficiary of the life insurance policy or cancels it, she will fully own a house that she can't afford to pay the outstanding mortgage on. She could possibly take in a lodger or two (depending on the number of bedrooms) to help pay the mortgage, but she would clearly need to get a full-time job to even consider this as an option. Alternatively, she could sell and take the equity to set herself up in a rental property (as Tenants in Common she would only get half the equity and his half would go to his beneficiaries either under the terms of his Will, if he has one, or in line with the rules of intestacy).
Sadly, the former love and care he had for OP's sister now seems to be predicated solely on her agreeing to have his children posthumously (not guaranteed even if she tries) which is unfair and unreasonable. I agree that counselling is essential - they'll both be angry in their own way and I think a counsellor will help him see that what he's demanding of OP's sister just isn't fair.

She can agree for him to freeze his sperm. She doesn’t have to use it.

OP hasn’t said one single word about how much her sister contributes - only that she works part time and can’t afford to buy him out. We don’t know whether she’s working part time because she’s his carer, but it’s very likely the case. I can’t even begin to process how fucking transactional this is. I was married to my partner - we had no kids and during the last ten years of our marriage I couldn’t work because of disability. When he was diagnosed with cancer his first and foremost thought was for me, and how I would manage without him, both personally and financially. If you love someone this is what you do. Unless you’re part of MN it seems. Marriage, or a life relationship is a lot more than shared finances. The attitude on this thread is utterly sickening.

Because she’s on the deeds so its 50/50 if they’re joint tenants and his share will pass to her automatically. But more than that they are life partners - the diagnosis has changed things, not their feelings for one another.

I’m out of this thread. The transactional attitude that many posters are taking is utterly sickening.

She could just say yes and decide later then.

I agree. Its disgusting

He's the one who has made it transactional by insisting she has his children or he won't leave her the insurance money.

That's actually quite controlling and not really thinking about the kids and not thinking about the sister, when would she get any sort of down time. Or how would she fund these children.

OP said the house is in both their names. It sounds messy, there could be that "tenants in common" clause in their contract.

Some people might be offended by this, I wouldn't want defunct chemo sperm to fertilise a healthy egg. Let another raise the child without a father.
Unless you're strongly independent or have a lot of support around you, then it will be a struggle, regardless if a house is paid for or not.

Yes i was agreeing with @Rosscameasdoody

I think we have to assume he either hasn't started treatment or has already frozen sperm.
Its well known chemo can make people infertile and young men are often asked about freezing sperm before they start. Its a 5min job to get it.
Eggs don't freeze well, and getting them is a process itself, drugs to ripen them and harvesting them, so its not really an option for young women.

No clinic would touch him with a barge pole if he's already started treatment.

It doesn't sound like you like them very much. Maybe you should think about whether you want to make a change. (Unless you just mean a hypothetical partner?) Most people care about their partner very much I would think or they wouldn't be with them.

There is no reason why her financial future shouldn't be in her hands.

At no point have I said it shouldn't be.

God forbid their partner should get ill She would probably chuck them out onto the street

This. He can. She may or may not want to. It shouldn’t be blackmailing, he probably isn’t thinking straight and needs time to process.

What a horrible situation for them both, OP.

I hope they find a resolve.

Cancer diagnoses can be so difficult psychologically and this sounds like a particularly difficult situation. I would advise her to say she will have his children and let him freeze his sperm so he can focus on treatment and she can focus on them being together and then she can make her mind up about whether or not to continue with his wishes afterwards. She might want to, for many reasons, in future, but doesn't have to stick to her promise if she can't or doesn't want to.

He can freeze his sperm it is his decision, but he cannot compel someone to use it.

Again, she is not a walking uterus, and while we can sympathise with him dying, being terminally ill doesn't come with the "Gets to ruin other people's lives with impunity and everyone has to give in to ridiculous demands" clause. That's not part of "how to help someone die with dignity" instructions.

He's absolutely NOT a really nice man.

People do die and life does come between parents and children but nobody who is a nice or decent person would wish the utter certainty of being fatherless or raised by a stepfather on their children or being a single widowed and grieving mother on their significant other. And for their entire fucking lives they get to know they were the frozen sperm babies made to commemorate a dead man's wishes. Fuck off.

She should very definitely lie to him, pretend she's going along with his bullying emotional blackmail just to shut him up and make the last months easier. She sure as fuck doesn't owe him free use of her body to incubate children - which by the way still comes with a risk of death for ALL WOMEN even those with good health care. Yes, it absolutely definitively does. Just look at healthy young influencer Hailey Okula who died in childbirth just recently.

Childbirth also changes your entire life, forever and comes with after birth health complications for many too.

Women must always be the only ones who decide if they want to carry a baby in their own actual bodies. Trying to force this on her is absolutely grotesque and utterly and completely selfish.

She can sell the house when he dies and find something she, a single woman with no kids, can afford to live in reasonably on her own.