I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

Sit down and talk to her.

She’s a hormonal 16 yard and you’re the adult and her parent. You could start talking about the situation at hand or you could start a conversation about some random subject like does she need anything from Tesco’s or doing something at the weekend.

Teens can be hard work. They have a lot of hormones raging so they do act out. Or have a bad attitude at times.
But you are an adult and really the silent treatment is considered abusive when it comes to relationships.
You need to sit down 1 on 1 and talk about it all. Explain you regret how you handled things and try to move forward.
Things can definitely get better.

I have tried but she gets upset and says she can't be bothered talking to me.

Both of you go for a walk.

Tell her sorry. Tell parents fuck up too and you've handled this badly. Tell her you love her and respect her.
Ask her how she'd like to move on from.this and work it out together. And allow to be angry at you without you interjecting - listen to her. Come up with a plan, how will you both handle attitude issues in future? Make time for each other.

Oh gosh that took me right back to my teen years and my terrible relationship with my mum 🙁 She would do this to me. You are the adult, she’s still a kid, so you have to act like the adult! She needs to be able to trust you that you will always protect her and be there for her in a crisis. You must keep communication lines open!

So now to fix this you go to her and confess you were wrong to give her the silent treatment. You apologise and promise you won’t use that as a tactic in future. Try to explain how your past experiences have made it a struggle for you to parent her, admit you get it wrong because you find it hard. But make it clear you will always love and support her and you want things to be better between you. Ask her how she would like things to change, and work out a plan together of how to treat each other better.

I'm sure you have a lot going on in your life. Your post reads as if you gave your child the silent treatment, and now you are feeling suicidal. If that is the case, and you can;t keep yourself safe, you need urgent help via your GP or A&E.

If you are able to keep yourself safe, then you need to consider your reactions to your daughter. A therapist may help with this. In my opinion it is never appropriate to give your children the silent treatment. She is a teenager, she is learning and possibly hormonal, angsty, reactive or just behaving like a bit of a brat. All of that is normal for teens, if not particulary nice. It is not normal from an adult and a parent, I would have hated if my parents did that and my kids would feel the same.

You need to talk to her. It's better to be open and honest - tell her you love her and her behaviour is upsetting. Tell her what your boundaries and expectations are. Don't tell her that her behaviour makes you question the meaning of life, that is something to tell a therapist about.

The silent treatment is abusive.. doing it for DAYS to a child is just unforgivable. Get some help.

Have you apologised? Silent treatment is abusive behaviour, not just immature, and it must be very hard for a 16 year old to bear. You need to apologise to her and mean it, explain why no one should do that, and please do not tell her she made you do it.

There's a lot of "me, me, me" in your post. If this was a relationship then posters would be saying the silent treatment is abuse, and they'd be right. She's giving you the silent treatment too because that's what she's learnt. You say you're generally close. Can you sit down, apologise and have a chat to clear the air? 16 year olds are often annoying. I have a 17 yr old and a 15yr old so I can relate. Do you need some extra support? Is something worrying her (going back to school maybe?). Be kind to yourself, but do apologise for the silent treatment.

You need to give her a heartfelt apology and some space.
Maybe make her fave dinner or get her a small treat from the shops and just quietly leave it in her room on her desk or something.

Keep trying and do not get annoyed and "give up" or get in a huff because she isnt accepting your apology fast enough. You're the adult.

Consistently show her you are calm sorry and open to talking and not annoyed / pissed off / whatever.

Separately not talking to your child for days plural isnt a mistake.... Its a series of bad choices made over many hours and days. It's not okay!!!!!
Learn from it and never do it again - its incredibly damaging to children especially from their mother!

Tell her you are available ( within reason) if and when she wants to. Apologise for going silent. It is abusive, so try to break the habit, and encourage her to do the same.

Then step back, and try not to take it so personally which I know is difficult! But, who else is she going to lash out at realistically. When she does, just try to distract her or yourself and don’t react. It’s a bit like having a toddler in the house again except you can’t put them to bed at 7pm and get a break.

Do something for yourself, a walk, a swim, listen to a podcast/ book or whatever. It will pass.

Op you’ve regressed to acting like a teen yourself. A strong willed teenager needs parenting very differently to an obedient one. I find calmparentingpodcast on instagram quite relatable and helpful in dealing with try daughter. Priority no 1 own it and apologise. She’ll come around

Is it any wonder when you have given her the silent treatment. Children look to their parents for strength and support.

You say you had a dysfunctional upbringing yourself and sadly it is continuing with your own children.

Adele Fabre has a good book called How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk

https://amzn.eu/d/8ZfDfFS

OP giving someone the silent treatment for days on end is emotionally abusive - and you are teaching her that that is the way to handle things. You need to apologise and tell her how wrong you were for what you did. I would get her a 'sorry' card or write her a letter if she doesn't want to speak to you now. Buy her her favourite chocolate bar. Explain that you're struggling right now and you've made mistakes but that you want to change and to improve things.

It's very difficult to be a good parent when you come from a very dysfunctional family. You need to be the adult and teach your kids how to handle things appropriately - but how do you do that if you haven't been taught yourself? I think you could really, really benefit from a parenting course and getting some support OP. It sounds lie you're dealing with a lot and struggling to know how to do it. You really need to work on your communication skills, you cannot use silence to punish someone. You need to work with your dd.

Get help and support for yourself so you can help and support your kids to have happy, functional futures. You can turn this around - but it will take some work and you need to learn different ways of handling situations. You need to stop with the whole world is against you too though - it's hard but this at least is definitely something you can fix. That last thing your kids need is to be dealing with your suicide if that is what you are hinting at. You have a chance to turn all the dysfunction that you grew up with around, suicide would just make it a 100 times worse. You've got this!

Have you tried therapy Op? 1:1 therapy for you and family therapy for you and her to attend together.

Well done for recognising your immaturity and for realising that you come from a disfinctional background.

However, You’re the parent and the adult. It’s your job to help her navigate her feelings and emotions

It is NOT her job to meet your emotional needs. “Punishing” her for this is all levels of messed up.

if her behaviour is disrespectful, unkind or unacceptable- tell her calmly. Outline the expected levels of behaviour in the context of how she should behave - not that she hurt YOUR feelings.

”The silent treatment” is emotional abuse.

You have an opportunity to work on reducing the generational disfinction in your family. I’d recommend you take it.

Please tell her you love her, apologise fornhow yiu handled this and don't ignore her / cut her off as a way of trying to control her or punish her. Me and my brother suffered a parent who would use the silent treatment and it damaged us both and still affects our adult relationships and how we handle conflict 40 years on.

Being a teenager can be awful, she needs consistency and to know that someone is always going to be there for her. Please don't teach her that she has to people please or 'behave' to be worthy of your time or attention as that will stay with her into her adult/ romantic relationships.

Sit down and talk to your daughter and rebuild that bond. My mum was notorious for giving us the silent treatment. We have no relationship and she has no relationship with my children either. It's toxic. Don't give her the silent treatment, not only is it immature, it's also abusive. You are the mother, you are the adult. Put your own issues to one side and be a loving mother to your hormonal teen.

Well done for coming on here, acknowledging your behaviour and reading out for support. That you’ve done that tells me that you know you’ve become the kind of mum you don’t want to be and you know that needs to change.

Without a whole load of family context that I appreciate you might not want to give it’s hard to give advice. But trying to spend some time with your DD, one to one, perhaps doing something she’s chosen, and just listening (try not to defend yourself or justify - just listen) might be a good start. Let her know that you are there.

Her knowing and understanding that you’re also human is part of it, too - at 16 she’s old enough to get that.

Buts start with her.

Kids may be annoying sometimes and we all get hacked off with them, but it's your job as an adult to keep things positive and to show them the way to make things right again. That doesn't mean letting them get away with stuff, but picking up on the behaviour, calling them out and imposing any necessary consequences, and then moving everyone on from the negativity and being positive again. They need adults to show them how to deal with obstacles, emotions and setbacks in a positive, constructive way and silence isn't going to achieve that.

What the silence is saying is "You've fucked up so badly that there's no way back for you and you're not even worth talking to so we can work things through". It's quite a harmful message.

Sorry but you are the adult. That's sometimes very hard but I'm afraid you sound less stressed and more victimy. That's not fair to put that on your teens. Clearly you need support but you need it from other adults: friends, family, a therapist.

You can sort this out but you can't throw in the towel.

Ffs with the “hormonal teenager” crap.

she’s a 16 year old who’s mum hasn’t spoken to her for several days, for whatever trivial reason, to punish her.

it is not the 16 year old or her hormones responsible for this mess. It’s squarely on o/p. Don’t be blaming hormones for a situation entirely of someone else’s making.

o/p you have some serious apologising to do. Ask your dd what she needs and what you need to do.

This is abuse on your part. You are the adult - do better.