I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

Unfortunately it sounds as if your daughter is more mature than you are.

Teenagers are difficult, yes, but you need to respond in an adult way. Yes, things they say will hurt, but you are reinforcing her opinion with your actions here.

My mum used to give me the silent treatment, the last time being when I was 35 and I didn’t bother with her for a few months. She was heartbroken but she never did it again.

it’s a form of control and is really nasty from a parent.

Great that you've acknowledged that the silent treatment was a wrong move.

In fact, some sources cite it as a form of emotional abuse, forcing the recipient to 'walk on eggshells'.

Here's an interesting article on the subject and how it can feel like the only resort ... if that's the only experience you've ever had yourself from your own upbringing:

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/the-silent-treatmentwhat-is-it-and-what-can-i-do-differently

We learn from what we experienced and what your daughter is doing, saying there's no point talking to you, is mirroring exactly what you've role modelled for her. Because that's what you were given as a young girl. I wonder what had happened in your parents' youth.

Her reaction is immature - because she IS immature. Not an insult; at 16 she has a good decade to go before she's fully adult. But you as the adult need to first learn and then role model mature ways to behave.

Time to break this generational cycle. You're not trapped - this is just your current situation.

Therapy and teen-parenting classes would be wise.

But first, most importantly - apologising woman to woman to her for your reactions and behaviour.

Hi OP,
I’m wondering if there is anything that can help you with your financial stress.

If you have debt that you are struggling with contact a free debt charity such as Stepchange or Christian’s against poverty (you don’t need to be religious). Please don’t pay for debt advice or debt management - you don’t need to. You shouldn’t be paying debts in full if that is leaving you short for food and rent - these charities can help you make repayment plans.

Could you use a local food pantry / community food share - theses are usually open to anyone and for a small charge like £5 you can get quite a bit of food.

Here is a link to a citizens advice page
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/cost-of-living/get-help-with-the-cost-of-living/

If you give any more specific details people might have suggestions.

Your 16 year old daughter might be able to get a job so that she can cover some of her own spending and treats. Now is a good time to look with seasonal jobs being advertised.

Write her a letter if you can’t say the right words in the moment. It gives both of you time to reflect and takes a bit of pressure off.

The silent treatment is abusive and childish. Sit down with her and talk to her as a young adult.

Give her a bit of space now you've apologised, it's a positive sign that she responded, even if it was quietly. I would give it a day or two and use that time to sift through the advice here and have a think about what bits might help counteract some of the problems you and she are having in your relationship.

Once you have some ideas then sit down with DD and tell her you really want to put things right with her and generally improve your relationship and ask what she thinks about your ideas. Get her to have a think about what she thinks might help too and keep that line of communication going so it almost becomes a project you and she are working on together.

She will hopefully see that you're actively trying to make things better, and that's she's important to you or you wouldn't be trying so hard. You have an opportunity here to reset the tone of your relationship with her, and break the dysfunctional habits you've both fallen into. My DD is the same age and I know it's hard, especially when you feel broken yourself, but she really needs you to try and turn this around and show her that things can be different between you. Good luck, you can do this

Would something like this help?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573

Best way forward is to say sorry to her that you are struggling but that you love her - which you've done.

There are two reasons people resort to the silent treatment.

To manipulate, punish, control, wrong-foot, cause anxiety and worry as the recipient tries to appease the abuser.

Because the person doing it lacks the personal resources to hold a conversation, to apologise, ask, listen, understand, explain because of their own experiences.

We all mess up OP, you have, but the good thing is you know you have. Well done. What l would do now is write her a note, telling her you love her, and that she can take her time, but you are ready to talk when she is. Get her favourite sweets or chocolate, anything and leave it by her bed with the note.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is that from now you have to show her that it’s going to be different. Words are easy, actions are what matter. When you feel things are escalating (and they will, because she’s navigating adulthood) let her see that you won’t give her the silent treatment. Instead ask her if she needs space, remind her that she can talk to you if she wants to. Then carry on as normal. If you stay calm, she will see you as someone who has her back, and is steady and reliable. Don’t fuel the flames in other words.

You need to learn to pick your battles which isn’t easy, as I found out with three teens, one of which I had a very fraught couple of years with. But we got there, I simply stopped reacting so much and detached when necessary.

These years are the years she needs you the most, none of us are perfect, but doing our best is everything, so do your best to be a steady pair of hands for her. Good luck.

It's nothing to do with her hormones, it's the effect of growing up with an emotionally abusive parent. I wouldn't confide in you either if I were her. Think it's her who needs a therapist tbh, she should have someone safe to talk to.

Well done OP! That's a great update showing real self awareness that it seems some posters haven't read....

I thought that it might really help you to speak to a counsellor or therapist but it's so difficult unless you have lots of money that I didn't. But it's great to read you already have one. I wonder if it would be at all possible for you to do a session with your daughter to help you with understanding and communicating with her?

I'd leave things to settle today but maybe over the weekend you could have a real good chat to her about your behaviour and what she'd like to see change. Give her a bit of time to think about it first perhaps and then you could really listen, write some things down together and show her you are really committed to moving forward. Tell her a little bit about your childhood to help with her empathy so she understands where you have come from and why you have made some of the mistakes you have. Build up the connection and commit to it and I bet as a result her behaviour will improve too.

Start being the adult.

You say Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I'd expect the teen to maybe say that or think that, not the person who is supposed to be the responsible adult. Get a grip and talk to your daughter.

OP if you and she find it difficult to communicate verbally would a notebook help? My daughter and I use this when she doesn't feel like talking face to face but just wants me to know something. It can be really helpful.

The OP is clearly struggling and your response is not kind.
Click on See All on the first post and you will see the OP's updates - she has already spoken to her daughter and apologised.

Well done on apologising. It goes a long way with kids.

I wouldn’t push it now but I would try and ignore the normal huffy teen behaviour, whilst at the same time making it clear that we treat each other a certain way in our home and being disrespectful isn’t allowed.

Living pay check to pay check is incredibly hard, I grew up that way with a single Mum but if there is any way you can work in weekly treat with your DD, it will foster a connection. For example could you go on a weekly walk that ends with a fancy iced coffee or make a trip to a Nando’s, Pizza express type place for a cheap meal. There will be somewhere she has seen on tik tok that she will want to go to and you can maybe facilitate that.

You will be showing her that you love her company and want to spend time with her and this can mean a lot to the most difficult teen.

My 17 year old was so so difficult, often horrible really and I made so many mistakes but I always persevered with these connections and I think they made the difference.

Personally, I would have a very sincere and honest talk with her. I had a very screwed up upbringing with a lot of emotional abuse, I've been honest with my eldest about it through child friendly talks since she was about 7, I've explained recently (almost 11) that it's never her, it's always me, sometimes I lash out but it's never okay and she deserves better, I tell her why it happens. Its not very often I lose it these days but with a 5 month old and some relationship issues I'm more on edge than usual. It helps her to know that it isn't her. It is NEVER okay to give kids silent treatment, thus you seem to accept but maybe explain to her that even though you don't always react in the best way, you know this, you love her and that you'll always be there for her and crucially your reactions are not her fault.

To be honest I wouldn’t engage with her. If she wants to be an arse let her go ahead. At 16 she knows what’s right and wrong. If I were her I would be looking to myself to work out how my behaviour had led my own mother not to want to speak to me. The whole hormonal’ thing doesn’t wash with me. I was working and saving towards my future at 16, not making my mother’s life a misery.

Perhaps write her a letter? And if you want to apologise for sulking, it needs to be a proper apology, not "I'm sorry I did X but it's because you did Y", which comes across as justifying your behaviour

Perhaps explain that you had a difficult childhood yourself, didn't have good role models, want to be the best parent you can. Tell her what you're doing eg buying a book / signing up for parenting classes

Offer small gestures eg watch a TV show together, cook her favourite meal

Model the behaviour you want to see

The silent treatment is abusive and controlling behaviour but I think it’s generally used by people who themselves have been subjected to similar behaviour and haven’t learned how to self-regulate and communicate healthily. What I’m trying to say is it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s bad behaviour - but it doesn’t make you bad so don’t beat yourself up. My mother used the silent treatment on me and now the temptation to use it on other people gets nearly overwhelming. She wasn’t a bad person either but I think suffered it from her parents and consequently had low self esteem and a desire to control (coming from a place of fear rather than manipulation). So it can be a vicious cycle until someone recognises how damaging it is as a behaviour. Plenty of people still don’t - so the fact you do is to your credit.

With your daughter, I would apologise for the silent treatment and say you know it is wrong and want to repair things. If she is really avoiding you - send a message.Make sure she knows the door is open for communication and it’s safe and you won’t resort to these methods again.

Could you write her a letter? When I was an obnoxious teen my mum reached the end of her tether with me and wrote me one - it was over two sides of A4 and because I read the letter when I was calm the words resonated much more clearly than they did when she said them. I still have that letter somewhere but it may not work for everyone - she did the same for my brother and it didn't make a blind bit of difference! I tried it with my eldest and it didn't work for them either

Having no money isn't conducive to good family life. It's not at all fair.

The silent treatment isn’t immature - it’s abusive. You need to acknowledge to your daughter that your own behaviour is unacceptable and that you understand if she is pissed off at you.

You are the adult and the parent. Her challenging behaviour may be a direct response to how she feels you are treating her - or perhaps she is just being herself it’s trying to be challenging at all. Talk to her, but start it out with a very serious apology. And not a “BUT I WAS JUST” - a real apology without conditions or reasonings.

Well done for apologising. Let’s call this what it is - the silent punishment i.e. you don’t exist until you behave in a way I deem acceptable, it’s abusive and it’s never ever okay.

To build a better relationship with your daughter you have to listen to the little stuff, you need to have the “how was your day conversations” without judgement, without hijacking the conversation and without unsolicited advice. You apologise when you screw up, which you’ve done and for teenagers you need to pick your battles! They can be messy and annoying but they do grow out of that.

You need to make her feel like you are a safe space and that comes from the pleasantries and little daily interactions. You need to develop healthier ways of dealing with rudeness and disrespect, as you’re already in therapy that’s a good place get help with that.

If you haven’t got any already you could start some family traditions together e.g weekly movie night or favourites day. Beef up the positive interactions - with teens you have to meet them where they are, they’re not going to want to do your things … what does she enjoy?