I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

I have a 16 year old daughter as well as two older boys so I do understand where you are coming from. I do argue with my daughter and there are times she frustrates the hell out of me. However, she does talk to me and does tell me things. When it comes down to it she knows and i know this because she has told me, whether we are getting on or not, if i am busy or not, if she needs me i will be there. I may not always like what she doe or says but i will always be there. If they don't feel that they don't feel safe they stop talking to you and become secretive. You are the adult. Sit her down and apologise. You dont have to like what she does but you do have to be there for her- if you are giving her the silent treatment you are removing yourself from her.

Exactly this. Start with saying sorry and really mean it. Don’t try to justify the silent treatment but explain it and how it’s how you dealt with it. She may not be accepting of it at first but those words will stay with her on play on her mind x

Honestly, this reads like two teenagers having a fallout at school. The silent treatment is just cruel. I have to be honest, you deserve every criticism that your daughter has levelled at you.

You're going to have to admit to your mistakes. Try and sit down with your daughter, and to take the heat out of the situation, say "when you do this, it makes me feel like this" and unreservedly apologise for what you did. She cannot deny that's how you feel but it also helps her understand that her behaviour impacts upon others. Admitting you're wrong shows her that you are indeed the grown up. No-one is perfect and we all make mistakes, an adult owns them. It's not a contest to win.

Try to find a way that will allow you both to wipe the slate clean. She does need to feel that you are there for her when she needs it. Allow her to speak and encourage her to speak about how she feels. If she gets angry, don't fuel the flames. Acknowledge her feelings and if it's genuinely something you've done wrong, apologise. Same goes for her getting upset - acknowledge that something has made her upset and dig deeper into the reasons why. Quite often, there is a deeper root cause that has triggered certain behaviours. That may make things a ton easier, or it might complicate things further, I can't say. Usually, it's quite small things but getting them out and talking about them can be enormously helpful.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse, particularly for a few days! My mother did this to me when I was a similar age to your daughter, I have never forgotten it.

Sort yourself out OP. This is an absolutely shit thing to do to your daughter - my mum used to give me the silent treatment for weeks on end (whenever she fell out with my dad, which was often) and it was horrible. I have no relationship with her these days.

Op, you already know yourself this is an unhealthy way of parenting. But, you have 6 kids, on your own. That's a lot to handle. I wouldn't expect an immediate turn around. But I would say a full and sincere apology, and acknowledge that it wasn't ok and you won't be doing it again, and tell her simply you're there if she wants to talk. I think that, along with being supportive and open is the most you can do to get her to come back.

A year or so ago I was at loggerheads with my teen DD. We were constantly arguing and by the end, behaving as badly as each other.

One day when I was calm and not emotional I picked her up from school unannounced, and drove us to a coffee shop far away from where we would see anyone we knew.

I bought us coffee and a cake and told her I wanted to repair how we communicate. That I will sit and drink my coffee and just listen to everything she has to say.

She had a lot to say! She explained how my reactions make her feel. Why she acts the way she does. Some changes she wanted to see in me. And we agreed how we would move forward.

What was crucial in this convo was for me not to respond with “well you do this and that”. It wasn’t the time or the place for me to say how I was feeling. And in the end I never needed to because things drastically improved for both of us after that. She just needed to feel heard.

Linenpickle · Today 11:42

She’s a hormonal 16 yard and you’re the adult and her parent. You could start talking about the situation at hand or you could start a conversation about some random subject like does she need anything from Tesco’s or doing something at the weekend.

This, or a movie night or board game night or ask her to help with something. Just calm down, we’re all going through the same crap, highs and ridiculously low lows!

You know you did wrong but it sounds like you're letting alot of things that make your life harder (single parent, not much money etc) effect your relationship with her. It's not her fault you're a single parent or haven't much money, even if lids are expensive to raise, it's not their doing.

You need to seperate her attitude problems (normal for teens) with everything else that stresses you and not connect them, as your op reads like you're adding it to the pile of burdens then punishing her for the lot of them. I speak from experience here, my mum was like this as through no-fault of her own had often been thwarted in life and divorced my dad for adultery etc etc, but looking back would come down on us extra hard or think herself extra hurt by any cheek because of how much else was on her plate. We didn't realise as we were kids and teens, the same as your daughter. It makes for a very tense relationship, only as an older adult did I soften enough to talk to my mum a bit about things and I'm still quite secretive and handle things myself first tbh.

You need to acknowledge your mistakes with her and tell her you know it won't happen overnight but you'd like to work towards being rhe person she'd call if she needed anything.

Im so sorry you are going through this, and that you had to grow up in this atmosphere yourself. It's difficult to break these cycles.

I just wanted to say well done for recognising this and asking for help and ideas to break the current impass and break the cycle. It's very encouraging that your DD did respond when you apologised and that was a great first step.

There's some very good advice on this thread, and I also see that you are getting help from a therapist too.

On the silent treatment thing, how about making a resolution to always say Good morning DD without any "tone" or expectation of reply and don't be offended if she doesn't say much. Or goodbye hope you have a nice time/good day at school.. or similarIts step by step, but its a sign to her that even though there may have been a disagreement that you are still speaking, that nothing has really been broken.. On the whole, teens will speak when they want to.. often they come home from school, tired, fed up, hungry and with loads of school stuff they dont feel like doing.. That's not the time for indepth conversations, but a kind welcome, cup of tea, even if you've disagreed the day before. Talk to them when things are more relaxed, they've had something to eat, etc.Its tricky sometimes, every parent finds that.

One of the challenges when you have been bought up in an atmosphere like the one you mention, is that a person can feel like they will be "punished" by being ignored for speaking up or voicing any dissent or not obeying... so it feels to both of you that you are each punishing each other if you've had a disagreement and there's also the fear of that which keeps you both from having a real discussion. Maybe discussions were always at top volume in your previous household and nothing was ever resolved.

You need to find a way to remove that fear and feel that you can speak to each other and disagree, or as a parent that you can point out behaviour that you don't like, without out having a drastic reaction on either side. You can argue but still love each other. I like the phrase "teach by example" - you can learn from you DD but also learn by looking into this how to set the example. You will be giving both of you a real gift by doing this and hopefully healing some of the hurt you have experienced in the past.

You must try to see your GP, tell them how you are feeling and get help with self care.. Have you had your 5 year check? If they are not helpful, at least get them to recommend places where you can get help.
Before you go, write down anything that is bothering you healthwise.. symptoms can add up. and can be treatable. Jot down a list of simple things you can do in terms of self care.. eg make yourself get out for a walk in the sunshine and try to relax, listen to music etc.. as it sounds like you are very stressed. Give yourself a chance to get enough sleep.
You are making the effort to improve relations with your DD, keep going but also take great care of yourself too.
You are too important for your family to lose you.

Well done for apologising and acknowledging it's gone wrong.

I do wonder if parents can regret, resent even mourn the loss of their lovely baby, toddler, tween when this challenging stranger turns up in their midst?

Time to put this right.

There've been a lot of responses here, a few idiotic ones but largely wise, including those recalling awful memories of their own mums inflicting silent treatment - and how its effects remain with them, decades later, relationships ruined.

There are shedloads of resources in parenting teens.

Search 'books on parenting teens' on Amazon and you'll get a lot of options.

And lots of books and online videos on improving confident communication skills

Try the library to borrow for free.

All best to you both.

Really good advice.
Its on neutral ground
And is a break from routine.
Also an eye opener for your DD because it's a sign that you've really tried to sort things.

Go to her room. Knock the door. Apologise. Say your behaviour was uncalled for. Say please forgive me. Tell her you can understand that she may not feel she can trust you. Say you hope you can work on communicating in a less dysfunctional way. Tell her you love her. Give her some space. Buy her some chocolate

Send her a text saying you’re sorry you ignored her it wasn’t the right thing to do and you won’t do it again. You love her and want her to trust you. Let’s go for a treat together this weekend (nails, coffee and cake, pizza, facial or something)

The silent treatment is emotional abuse, even towards an adult, let alone a child. This may be why she feels she cannot talk to you - she may not feel safe to. Could you look into joint counselling? At the very least, you need to knock the silent treatment on the head and make yourself available for her to talk to.

op i have only read page one but please can i say there is nothing more damaging to a child/teen than the silent treatment, However you resolve your issues please dont do it this way,

OP updated at 12.24 to say she had spoken to her dd, apologised etc .. yet more than 3 hours later people are still telling her not to give her the silent treatment, go talk to her etc … if you don’t want to trawl through a thread, at least read all OP’s posts, it’s very easy to do 🤷‍♀️

Ignoring a child for a week is abusive behaviour

no I don’t have a teen but I can’t imagine not talking /hugging /kissing/telling my daughter I loved her etc for a week

This!

Can you do something nice with her, even just take her to Costa for a drink and piece of cake. Be honest with her and explain how you know you’ve got it wrong but you want to do better.

Tell her she’s amazing, you’re proud of her and that you love her very much.

Bit harsh

I won't pile on OP because I can see your heart is in the right place and damn I would've loved an apology from my parent just once in my life. It would have meant so much, so well done for that.
Personally when my kids are being shits I find leaning in and loving on them MORE is more beneficial than withdrawing. They are reacting to who knows how many things that have happened to them, or gone through their minds and very little of it will have anything to do with you. They lash out at their parent as a coping mechanism, they haven't got it all figured out just yet. You don't have to just put up with it, of course. But taking a few breaths and coming back to it later and giving them a bit of grace go a long way.

Thank you again to everyone for your replies. Some were quite clearly intentionally harsh (maybe I needed that), but I did post an update to which they were received afterwards, so I don't know why my update wasn't read first?

On the home front things were still, understandably, frosty today, however I sent my DD a text and said the following:

"Once again I'm sorry for the way I've been acting towards you lately. Things have been privately challenging for me but that's not your business, nor your responsiblity, and certainly never your fault. As a parent, I am the bigger person here, but in this case I haven't done the best I could and I messed up spectularly. i'm sorry."

She replied: Yeah it's okay. Don't worry."

My final text to her on this: "Thank you. I really wanted to tell you this face to face last night, but when we're both emotional it's sometimes hard to find the right words. I just need you to know that it's not really okay; what I did was wrong. Thank you for being forgiving with me. I love you so much, and I'll do everything I can to do better. Also, please don't stop calling me out on my bs even if it gets hard or uncomfortable for us both. I always want to be better for my family, even if sometimes I'm slow to learn!"

She 'loved' the message and we have since spoken no further on this. I hope this means we can move forward with grace and mutual understanding and I've definitely learnt a lot about myself and the resources I need to tap into going forward to 100% break the cycle that I grew up in and more recently, experienced with my ex.

SIDE NOTE: to those who asked/commented, particularly the presumptive and harsh comment from username "squidsin" no, i am absolutely not putting my feelings of suicidal ideation onto my daughter - she knows nothing about how I'm feeling in that sense. Not a single bit. The family knows I'm stressed and stretched very thin emotionally and financially; it's hard to not see that. We don't even have a tv! I'm just fortunate to have found a therapist that recognises the severity of my situation and has offered me free sessions for the next few years. I'm so blessed with this.
THANK YOU to MollyMini for offering to speak privately with me. Whilst I am still figuring out things and finding my way around the site, I will keep this beautiful gesture in my back pocket and am immensely grateful for your kindness.
THANK YOU AGAIN to all those who offered so much help even if it was just sharing your experiences growing up. I have largely blocked out my childhood and really cannot remember much anymore from emotional and sexual trauma, so to hear this from another's perspective really drives home what it means to be a bigger parent in the sense of being the stable rock our children need.

Thank you xx

Great update OP , you did well. The path to growing towards becoming a more emotionally mature adult is never a straight one, but by recognising your mistakes and trying to correct them, you are definitely heading in the right direction.

I was raised in a dynamic probably quite similar to yours and when I do mess up, I always say to myself ‘there is no excuse for this, correct yourself now’

My DM always excused her behaviour with tiredness, busyness, being a single mother etc and whereas all these things were true, none excused the behaviour

You are doing all the right things @KookyAquaHedgehog and there is so much to be said for that. Nobody gets it right all the time, but when a parent can hold up their hands, make genuine promises and actually stick to them, that's a massively positive thing which so many of us didn't have but could have really used as young people.