I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

You are abusing her and if you are genuinely sorry you will get help for yourself on how to handle your emotions. I don't believe this is the first time you gave her the silent treatment. It's so damaging to do this to a child or anyone.

If you are genuinely sorry and want to be accountable you apologise to her and change your behaviour for good. Your daughter isn't the problem here. You have created the dynamic between you two and she's learning awful behaviour from you. She can't trust you. You shouldn't be surprised by that. You need to do better and model that better behaviour.

I've come back to this thread to be totally honest in the hope that it'll be helpful. When upset in general I tend to go silent on the person that's involved, and it's because I often just can't find a way to express my feelings or feel that silence maybe expresses my feelings better than I can myself. I've been (rightly) called out on it by friends in the past and I try so hard not to do it. DH and I have agreed that when he sees signs of it he'll give me some space to work through things in my head and then I'll come back to the table and be ready to deal with it better.

I have a stepchild, now an adult, and I know there were times when they were teenage when I went silent them, for those reasons. I have since had a lot of very honest conversations with them about the mistakes I made and I feel awful for doing it. It was luck for our relationship that they themselves find emotional articulation very difficult and those silences didn't damage our communication beyond repair - when we'd disagreed they were also keen to be silent. We now talk very honestly about any issues and it's been amazing actually for us both to realise how this resolves things so much better than silence - we are firm friends. I hate the idea that this could be seen as abusive while totally agreeing at the same time that it really is, and has felt like it when others have done the same to me. My own parents never talked about feelings and couldn't handle my teenager years at all - our relationship never really worked after early childhood onwards - and almost all the things I proactively do with my children is the opposite of how they parented.

Probably TDLR, but this isn't broken, and you're not the only parent, or worst parent. There's so much amazing advice on this thread but you've had a solid relationship with your daughter and you're prioritising getting that back. You're going in the right direction. Keep talking.

Are you saying you’ve given her the silent treatment for a week? That’s a form of abuse.

I have a 16yo myself so I know how tough it can be. However, you are the grownup and she is the child with massively fluctuating hormones and an incredibly immature brain trying to cope with enormous changes to her body and the world's expectations of her, all happening faster than she can cope with, and you are supposed to be her reliable rock who she can lean on and trust to love her unconditionally no matter what. Every 16yo tells their mum that they hate her sometimes, this is a normal impulse as part of the chaos of adolescence. And every time that happens I reply something like "and I love you no matter what you say or do and I always will, there's nothing that will stop me from loving you, but part of my job as your mum is to let you know when what you are doing is unacceptable, and I will."

It sounds like you need some family therapy with you and your child to rebuild the supportive love and trust that has accidentally got broken. She needs you desperately right now. Can you reach out to any charitable councelling services in your area to ask for help. A lot of cities have some kind of "pay what you can afford" service for families in crisis. Your GP may be able to signpost you to something.

I have just gone in and apologised to her for giving her the silent treatment. I acknowledged that it was not okay, now or ever and that I would do better

I'm so glad you did that @KookyAquaHedgehog . If my mum had said that even once, after the many, many times she gave me, and sometimes the whole family, the multi-day silent treatment, we might have had a relationship, and I and my brother wouldn't have been so damaged.

So well done for saying that after just one time, and good luck with rebuilding her trust.

Sorry in advance….I’m a rabbiter!! Oh this stage is so so hard and they are all different. Been there and currently there with a 17 yr old that seems to have developed from Mummy’s little BM into this pillock who thinks he knows better than we do. Whilst it’s hard as anything, I kind of let him have his say and we work through it.

I have found with my kids that trying to force them to talk about something never works. I just simply engage with them like let’s go for a wander, talk about crap, funnily enough when we start off by talking trivia, no limits, say whatever you like. Nothing is off the table. Nothing. It’s amazing what comes out when we do this…
This morning I realised that I had zero clue what my 21 year old’s favourite music is and so I got her helping me with work and said - do you have a fave playlist - let’s pop that on and I can learn more about it. Lots of conversations evolved just from this while we were working away and I learnt much more about my daughter in the process.
I have tried the silent treatment myself and I don’t like it - I’m a talker ;)
I think key is allowing them the space to come to you. Telling them that you are always here, no matter what. That one constant in their life that will NEVER let them down, no matter what happens, no matter what they do. Show them that you love them and even when their behaviour absolutely stinks, you still love them more than life itself, you just don’t particularly like their behaviour! I tell them that their behaviour is totally unacceptable and I don’t tolerate that behaviour in our house…..but I always add that I love them unconditionally….and I will always accept if I am out of order or wrong…and apologise accordingly. Because that is what I expect them to do for me!
As they transition into adulthood from childhood, it’s a really tough time for them so it’s on us to help them navigate life in a positive way, as hard as that can be.

OP your life is worth everything to your children. You are their anchor, steadying them in the rough oceans of life. Even when they lash out and hurt you, deep down they love you, they need you. For ever! My eldest is now 32 and still calls his old Mum now and again for a good old chat and I treasure that 💕 (Married with a doggo)

If you feel so bad that you don’t want to be here (I have felt this way myself and it’s a terribly desperate feeling 😢) please contact Samaritans by phone on 116123.

You are most definitely not alone, OP. This is an incredible community and can help us see things in a brighter light. If you feel you need a natter, feel free to send me a message (is that even allowed here? Sorry I’m hopeless at these things!) and I will always listen. My inbox is always open :-)

People are incredibly precious, life is precious. YOU, OP, are precious and please don’t you ever forget that 💕💕💕

Much love, MollyMini xx

It's really good that you've gone in and given your dd a heartfelt apology.
I'd be honest. If you've learnt to give silent treatment, tell her and tell her that you recognise it now and will work on changing it. Ask her what she would like to happen, involve her. Make it known to her that this has given you a dose of reality. Tell her how much it has hurt and scared you, and tell her how much you now understand how it will have affected her.
Once you've had this conversation, discuss a girly day out just you and her. A lunch out, a spa morning as an example. Ask her what she would like to do so you can both spend quality one on one time. Book it, go and be present. Put the phone down, listen and ask questions.
You need to be the one who fixes this and once she knows that you trust her to talk to her and be open, even if it hurts to do that, she may start feeling like she can trust you again.

The silent treatment for days, as a parent is emotionally abusive, sorry. My best friends dad would do this to her regularly, as a teenager and she's had to have counselling relating to this behaviour. Please don't do it to your child again.

Go give her a big hug and tell her you love her 💗

My mother gave me the silent treatment. I'm 50. I still remember it.

God I hated silent treatment as a child. Walking on eggshells, feeling so anxious I was unable to eat or sleep, hyperventilating, self blame, humiliation, self loathing. Your child's experience may feel different but why risk it when you can just communicate openly. Explain how you feel and give her the chance to do the same. Break the cycle and give your relationship a chance.

I find your post concerning, OP. You mention suicide because you've fallen out with your daughter - which does appear to be largely your fault, due to your own decision to give her the silent treatment. I have had plenty of mental health challenges myself, so I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but - tough love here - this strikes me as manipulative rather than genuine. Do not try and 'win' your daughter round by threatening to kill yourself if she doesn't comply with what you want for your relationship. It'll damage her mentally, and wreck your relationship. She is the child and you are the adult but your post suggests that those lines are very much blurred. You should read up on the 'parentified child' and be sure that's not what's going on here, because unless there's more going on than you've said in your post, claiming to be suicidal because your teenage daughter isn't talking to you seems incredibly hyperbolic. Teenage girls are moody and that's something we have to learn to navigate as parents without losing our shit, to be blunt.

Lovely, it's really hard to parent a teen at some stages.

You've had the intelligence and grace to realise that you messed up. Well done. You've done a great deal to heal the situation by apologising. That really matters and is very healing in the long term, even if she can't respond now.

You've had some wise and compassionate advice in among the negative bricks thrown at you. Worth reading and learning from the good stuff.

Your wish to do right shines out. If you tripped over and fell on your face, we'll, you got up apologised and you'll go on. Teens can be unbearably difficult, but it will pass, and the fact you're trying to do well will make all the difference in the long run.

I was 11 when I discovered what thr silent treatment was it was a regular thing, when I was 16 I got ignored for a week for wanting to go to sixth form ( a good thing !!) it damaged our relationship and now she don’t have one, she never apologised either. Do not do it and apologise to your daughter

Amazing - 🤩 Please take care of you too. Xxx

And don’t forget she is learning from your behaviour so if you do it she will think it’s ok for her to do it too

Can you see if there's a parenting skills course you could do, either nearby or online? You'd both probably benefit. No-one shows you how to be a parent and we don't always get it right plus your abusive relationship has probably left some scars.

I hate 'silent treatment'

It's manipulative and abusive. Please don't do it again.

It antagonises people and then they end up lashing out and look like the crazy, unreasonable person in the situation. Such an emotionally abusive situation.

Hope things get better.

Go talk to her, apologise and come up with a new way you can work together when pissed off.

Also don’t be so dramatic saying a fall out with your teen is a nail in your coffin. How horrible to blame her for suicidal ideation. See a GP if you are depressed or thinking about suicide please… don’t put it on your daughter.

That’s a bit much.

I heard something today which I thought of while reading this.

Kids (and she is still a kid; their brains continue to develop well into their 20s) will often lash out by saying something hurtful and hateful, and what they're saying is actually their biggest fear.

It's because they feel a lot of stuff all at once, get frustrated and don't have the tools/skills/words to unpick and say what they really mean.

Obviously, I don't know the context of why she said, "if I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to, but my guess is that,actually, she's just worried her concerns aren't important or valid to you. Or maybe she is just seeking reassurance that she matters (especially if you're a solo parent to several kids).

I very much doubt you'd be the last person she'd go to.

I am glad that you acknowledge that you are abusive.

Domestic abuse can have lifelong consequences and your DD (and other kids) will suffer for a lifetime because of your treatment.

Your 16yo is more mature and level headed than you.

I would speak to social services and see what support they can offer.
She can also speak to childline.

She is the one that needs the therapist.

No child (or adult) should have to live with an abusive person and my heart breaks for her and your other kids.
They did not ask to be born, they did not make your relationship fail and they are not responsible for the way your life has turned out.

My mum used to do this to me and I cut contact at the first opportunity and never spoke to her again.

You’re the adult, fix it.