I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

She is not your partner or your friend it is not her job to make your life better or be responsible for the choices that you made.

You are the adult and parent so you need to be it and step up and take responsibility - you seem to almost blame her for your situation but she never asked for any of this

I'm not sure if your silent treatment is all that bad. You sound like you have no bandwidth left to deal with her. Is her father around?

Isnt the silent treatment abuse? or is that just when a man does it?

I don't know if you can rescue your relationship. I think your dd woukd be better with someone else, her dad , a grandparent?

I think this is unfair. The reality is probably that there is no one else, and that's part of why the OP is so stressed and has dealt with this situation so badly.

OP, you may have let your DD down recently, but guess what, at least you showed up for this parenting gig. It can be very, very hard being a parent and juggling all the other crap life throws at you.

Write her a card saying sorry, buy her some of her favourite foods and tell her that while you won't put up with rude and disrespectful behaviour, you will try your best always to be there for her when she needs you.

I appreciate like if hard but, the silent treatment is abusive behaviour and so, so damaging. That really needs to be addressed and every effort made to stop it. Keeping communication open is key. Even if she doesn't want to talk, reassure her that you're there day or night if she changes her mind.

Also, I appreciate it's tough if you have financial pressures, but this really isn't anything to do with your daughter, nor are any of the other pressures you maybe under as a single parent. I understand that is a lot for you, but it's important that your children don't feel burdened by things they have no control or responsibility for.

On the plus side, as hurtful as it was hearing your daughter say that you're the last person she'd come to, even her saying that is her communication with you and opens the door to work on repairing things. Tell her you want to make things better and for her to feel safe coming to you. Ask her what you can do to make that happen. She may push you away at first, but keep at it.

When I was a teenager, I used to get angry at my mum and tell her I hated her and she always had the same reply which was 'well I love you not matter what'. It didn't take away my anger, but it made me feel loved unconditionally and that's what really makes kids feel safe. Knowing that you'll be there and love them no matter what.

Your behaviour isn’t just immature OP- it’s abusive.

First of all, you should never give anyone the silent treatment, particularly not your children and certainly not for days. Leaving a room to de-escalate a situation is one thing, but refusing to talk to your kid, even if they're a massive pain in the arse, is not the right way to go about things.

I think you need to tell your DD what you have said here - that you handled that situation the wrong way, you're really upset about damaging your relationship with her, you're heartbroken that you made her feel like she can't come to you and you don't know how to fix this situation but you want to try. Apologise, say you'll never do the silent treatment again and then listen to her. Hopefully you can both move forward.

Keep trying. Tell her, several times, that you're very sorry, and that you'd like to make amends.

She'll respond eventually.

The best thing is to apologise and see if you can start over. You could also maybe show her this thread?

Do something together rather than talk. Talking will come naturally whilst busy with whatever task you share. Gardening or shopping or bike ride together.

No need to hammer it home or lay it on thick. She already said she's from a dysfunctional family herself and knows it isn't on. Probably best focusing on what she can do to help her situation.

Best foot forward OP. Use a bit of humour to break some of the tension. 16yo's are hard work. Just been through a lot with my eldest and will be going through it all with DC2 next year....

Thank you all for the messages. I'm sorry being new here I haven't quite figured out how to directly reply to each person, so I'm making a general message here. I do appreciate the messages even the ones that feel a little harsher to receive. I concede that I have stuffed up badly this time. It's not typically something we've had an issue with, but I'd say over the past 6 months, it has become a problem where we build up resentment over little things and nothing really gets addressed.

A thousand percent it is my fault with regards to the silent treatment. I now realise how damaging this is and for context, her father was very emotionally and verbally abusive to me for 28 years before I left him, so to think I'm potentially even an iota close to repeating a pattern through the recent silent treatment, just destroys me to consider.

I have made notes on the suggestions offered here and will discuss with my therapist on my next visit. I have made a note to look out for the Calm parenting podcast and the book recommendation I have just checked out on amazon. Thank you to everyone.

I'll continue to read through the messages as they come in. I have just gone in and apologised to her for giving her the silent treatment. I acknowledged that it was not okay, now or ever and that I would do better. She quietly said it was okay so obviously I can still see how upset she is, but I think I should leave things for now to avoid inflaming the situation further. Any thoughts here?

Having zero idea how to communicate healthily, I find this an extraordinary challenge in these difficult situations. I'm at my wit's end with minimal finances and lack of support anywhere. My nervous system is shot through. I guess my default is unhealthy, as that is all I have known since I was a kid myself. No excuses here, more of an explanation that hopefully provides some additional context and any words of wisdom or additional suggestions, I am absolutely open to hearing. Thank you again.

You need to apologise for your behaviour. While asking for a little more time if you have had an argument is acceptable, ignoring a child for days is not. Apologise profusely and don’t do it again.

Well done, OP. I would leave it for now with your DD.

OP giving anyone the silent treatment is never away to resolve problems. Sometimes we need some alone time to recover but never to punish. It solves nothing. Creates distrust. You have seen the consequences, you don’t really need to be told, despite your struggles you are the adult in the relationship, you need to behave like it.

I understand teenagers can be difficult but next time I would also take time to digest what she says to you before you react, so that you can reflect appropriately.

Her saying that she wouldn’t come to you with any problems may well be a reflection on some of your previous behaviour or attitudes. So consider what she says and take it as feedback. And definitely apologise.

I say this as someone whose mum never apologised, and the result is that i literally never go to her with problems. And haven’t done since i was a teenager. Because she doesn’t have a rational head on her.

Yes i would also leave it alone as i think DD will need space to cool down for a while.

Are you surprised you are the last person she would go to? You gave your daughter silent treatment for days...

This 👆

This is excellent advice.
I was also going to say you should start by apologising and admit you have made mistakes but you live her and want to make things better between you

Well done for apologising OP. I know how difficult it is when you come from a dysfunctional family and it sounds like youre taking healthy steps to address this so it doesn't happen again. Agree with leaving her in peace for a bit but if you haven't already I'd communicate really clearly with her that's what you're doing so she doesn't worry - "I'll leave you in peace for now as I understand you might still rightfully be upset with me, but when you're ready I'd love to do something nice together like watch a film or whatever you fancy"

I believe it is a natural developmental stage for teenagers to reject their parents. You need to try not to take this personally.

You are the adult/the parent and you need to carry on being the parent even if your daughter is rejecting you or challenging you.

Please don’t mistake staying the parent for being a door mat or your daughters punch bag. Have boundaries and natural consequences but rise above pettiness.

If my son has spoke to me badly I might say “Don’t ask me for a lift later - I’m not going to spend my day running around after someone that speaks to me like that”. If he apologises after being mean I accept his apology. If he goes on about being sorry I tell him I am over it - that we are a family and we forgive each other. I’m no longer worrying about it so neither should he.

In short rise above it OP.

If there is anything you can enjoy together now and then - such as a tv programme, movie or cooking having a nice time together now and then will help to get you through.

@KookyAquaHedgehog - please call the Samaritans and speak to the GP to get support. Your children (including your 16 yo) absolutely need you. They need you alive. If you do something to yourself, you will destroy their lives. So please get the help you need because you sound exhausted and overwhelmed.

Teenagers sulk, throw tantrums and behave inconsiderately. It’s best to let some of this go. As regards your daughter, yes - the silent treatment was completely wrong. But you’re human. I would guess you were trying to avoid doing something which you thought would be worse. I have to say that some of my absolutely worst fuck-ups in life have been as a parent. You can’t put back time but you can learn not to do the same thing going forward.

You need to apologise to your DD and be consistently loving and responsive to her. And try to get some support for yourself, OP. You’re doing your best in a tough situation.

This is excellent advice.
I see you’ve already talked and apologised to her .. well done for that OP.