I gave my 16 yo daughter the silent treatment and now she has lashed out at me. I want to die with so much stress.

[KookyAquaHedgehog]

Hi all,
this is my first time ever posting, so please bear with me. I am a single mum of several kids and my 16yo daughter has been generally pissing me off with her attitude lately. It reached the point where I had enough and gave her the silent treatment for a few days (immature I know).

Anyway, things have escalated to the point where she blurted out "If I had a problem, you'd be the last person I'd go to.". Not going to lie this hurt a lot, as I thought we were solid aside from going through a rough patch. Well it's now been over a week and we're still not talking. I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

I didn't realise I had been dragging things on so much (again my fault) and she's rightly accused me of being immature), again I hear this. I just think we've reached a point where we just no longer understand each other and then resentment builds until one or both, dish out the silent treatment for fear of angering the other.

It's a terrible cycle and coming from a hugely dysfunctional family, I'm at a loss on what do to from here on. My life is hard enough as it is, living pay check to pay check and struggling as a solo mum to put food on the table.

Is it really worth going on in life when it feels like the whole world is against you? I don't know how to make things better in any aspect and the whole relationship drama just feels like the final nail in my coffin. Any advice, words of wisdom, would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you xx

This is good advice. Wanted to write something similar.

Anything else you can do to spend some quality time? Favourite TV show, Bubble Tea, etc?

Give her a huge apology then work through this.

Best wishes. The silent treatment is always rubbish. But the real harm is parents who mess up then deny it and gaslight.

I did this for one day, when DD was a teen.
I soon realised that I needed to make the first step and I hugged her as soon as she came in from school.
We talked and made up.

She's 33 now and we both still remember it and we're so thankful that I hugged her as soon as she came home.

I just needed to remind myself that I'm the adult and she was the child.

We've been good ever since.

Stress and deprivation are often triggers for abusive or neglectful behaviour. Worth remembering that, OP. The more you can get help for yourself, and work on your own issues, the more you'll be in a better place for communicating with and parenting your children. But if your life is very stressful right now and there's not much you can do about it, you do need to think about some effective strategies to avoid communicating that to your children.

Some people on this thread have referred to the silent treatment as 'abuse'. Yes, it is but, like everything, it's nuanced. Someone said "Is it only abuse when a man does it?" Obviously that's not the case, but a worn out mother with all the responsibility at the end of her tether, who has nothing left to give and is therefore parenting poorly, is entirely different from an abusive man controlling and exploiting his partner because he likes the power. Different motives, different circumstances.

Cooking in the house will give you both something to focus on and the conversation will hopefully start to pick up again. Doesn't need to be about emotional stuff, can be about a topic that's interesting to your DD.

Wishing you lots of luck🤗

You need to change your perspective. That’s the only advice I have for you.

World is not against you. Your dd is only 16, her acting annoying should not be met with silent treatment for days. So you are not the one ho is victim in this scenario.

Your dd telling you that you are the last person she would go if in problem requires some introspection on your part. Why would she go to someone who is not her safe space, who gives her silence treatments?

You haven’t mentioned what kind of annoying things she was doing, so we don’t know if it is a normal teenage behaviour or something bigger.

Yes it is difficult being a single mum but it’s also difficult to be a child with an immature parent ( you yourself said you can be).
If you have multiple children, it’s not your DD’s fault, her needs and feelings as a child still developing should still be a priority.

edited to say please don’t read my message as a criticism of you but more from point of view of your dd. I don’t want to diminish your own trauma. Just saying as an adult you need to break it. Do you have a family or circle of good friends for support?

As someone who is now very happily no contact with a narc mother who, amongst other things, used the silent treatment in our household growing up (and still does with my father, I'm sure), I'd tell you to stop it NOW. You are the adult, she is the child. I have a teenager, too. It's not easy. That doesn't mean you should stoop to her maturity level. Ultimately, you are making things far, far worse by not stepping up, and you are likely doing damage that will linger long after her teen phase is over.

Any adult you resorts to the silent treatment should be ashamed of themselves. Think of what you are teaching your child by doing this! She now sees her adult mother actually behaves like a child, she sees that conflict can't be talked out, she sees that she can't trust you. Do this enough times and you'll have a kid walking on eggshells around you, never sure when you will ice her out. And think of how this will transfer to her interactions with others/romantic partners as an adult!

You're the parent. Be one. Grow up. Do better. This is for you to fix, not her.

Ffs grow the f up. Once the arrgument is had you to go been nice dont carry it on.

Also dont talk direct teens hate it.
Send a text message to her say your sorry for how you have been ask if you can put it behind you and see if she wants to go to starbucks.

The comment on she wouldnt come to you. You say via text message im sorry you feel that way. Always hear to listen or if you want advice love you so much all I ever want is the best for you. If she kicks off etc just dont reply. Then make tea be nice and move forwards.

I have 2 daughters ones nearly 16 with asd adhd alongside other issues. And one at 11 with severe hyper adhd. Both medicated inc myself

I muck up a lot as a parent but I tell the DC that. "Mum didn't get it right today. I am sorry" Let her know you'll do better tomorrow. None of us are perfect, but it's how we overcome life's challenges that matters.

Well done for apologising. It's so important that we as parents apologise when we get things wrong. That in itself is setting a good example to our kids.

It's almost the weekend. Don't do anything big that might feel like a love bomb but something small to try to find a safe bit of relationship. Would she sit down with you for a pizza and film? A walk together? Find some time for just the two of you to be calm together if she's willing.

The silent treatment is abusive. Be an adult and speak about issues bothering you. My ex used to use the silent treatment on me, and when he tried it on his own son he got it with both barrels and apologised and hasn’t to date repeated it. I feel very strongly on how abusive this is.

You're going to have to consistently prove yourself to her before she'll talk to you again.

It will feel like giving and giving with nothing in return.
You'll need to show you are capable of learning and changing.

She needs to feel safe with you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start putting her first, her point of view, her needs.
Not to mention your other children.

OP has acknowledged what she did wrong and has mentioned that she’s seeing a therapist, there’s really no need to get SS involved here, what an OTT reaction.

It's lonely and difficult at times being a single parent with teenagers. Being the adult is hard but they're relying on us to get our shit together. I have apologised to my children so many times for various things and then got on with it and have done a better job next time. I don't judge you, I empathise and I hope things get better.

I would give her some time to come back around don’t force a conversation, but day to day engagement as in “how was your day” or “do you have any plans for the weekend” or “would you like a cup of tea” type thing.

Be prepared to back off gently if you feel it’s not welcome.

Make yourself available if she comes to you - put down your phone, switch off tv or stop what you are doing and give her your attention.

Teens say hurtful things sometimes, but the best thing is to be the adult, take them with a pinch of salt and rise above them.

If it’s a behaviour you really need to challenge, make sure you are not in an angry reactive state when you do.

But you absolutely cannot allow yourself to give her the silent treatment, that’s an extremely toxic and narcissistic behaviour and will be very damaging to your relationship.

You are the adult and need to manage your own reactions and seek professional help if you can’t. Your own upbringing isn’t an excuse, but you may need a bit of extra support and that’s ok.

You have acknowledged your mistake. Take this as a fresh start. Parenting teens is hard work for everyone and it sounds like you have alot going on. When teens are being difficult just remember that although they seem grown up, mentally they are still developing. Also try and build in times when u do stuff together, maybe baking, tv etc..
I try and use humour with my kids, I don't take myself too seriously so we can laugh over their and my mistakes. Good luck.

“Sixpence39 · Today 12:32

Well done for apologising OP. I know how difficult it is when you come from a dysfunctional family and it sounds like youre taking healthy steps to address this so it doesn't happen again. Agree with leaving her in peace for a bit but if you haven't already I'd communicate really clearly with her that's what you're doing so she doesn't worry - "I'll leave you in peace for now as I understand you might still rightfully be upset with me, but when you're ready I'd love to do something nice together like watch a film or whatever you fancy"”

Beautiful advice here from @Sixpence39

As I said upthread, most parents fuck up
sometimes. God knows I have sometimes. Very badly. This is an opportunity to practise a new type of communication with your DD. Try to do some gentle things that involve being side-by-side rather than face-to-face like a walk, watching a film together, some cooking prep. Things that allow her to know you’re there for her and with her.

Are you surprised? You broke her trust. I think you should apologise for giving her the silent treatment.

Please don't give her the silent treatment. Please tell her it was a huge error of judgement and won't be happening again. My mother, for the most part, was a perfectly good parent but she used to do this to me and it has caused me awful problems in adulthood. A partner quickly worked out that cold-shouldering sent me into a massive panic and proceeded to use this behaviour to manipulate me, mainly into having sex when I didn't want to and he did. I would force myself to do it to end the sulk and the atmosphere. As a result, I allowed myself to get raped for many, many years.

I also didn't feel able to go to my mum with things for fear of disappointment in me leading to the silent treatment. I ended up dealing with some really unpleasant stuff on my own.

While her comment may have hurt, please look carefully at yourself to see if there is anything that could have contributed to her feeling this way. Perhaps it was just a flippant attack designed to be a low blow - but perhaps not.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh; I think self-awareness goes a long way in parenting, even though you're never going to get everything right. My point being that the fact you're asking about this and hoping to make it better is a positive. Good luck.

Having zero idea how to communicate healthily, I find this an extraordinary challenge in these difficult situations.

It’s hard to deal with challenging behaviour while you are upset by the challenging behaviour.

A tactic I was taught was to use the structure, ‘I feel … when you do …’. Feelings are true and cannot be denied, though they can be ignored, and behaviour is a fact. This is a neutral no-blame way of addressing the situation.

You could say, I feel upset/distressed/worried when you shout at me/ignore me/stay out late. Then she can react to that, and you have stated how you feel, so you don’t feel so frustrated or powerless. You can encourage her to use the same formula, rather than say You make me angry etc.

The other thing I try to remember with my teen is that you as her mother are her safe space. So long as she is not behaving to you in an abusive way then she does need to be able to see you as a rock in a storm. Keep the gates open on your relationship through small gestures, walk away from a confrontation if you need to, and absolutely tell her as calmly as you can if her behaviour is unacceptable - she shouldn't feel there are no boundaries. But she doesn't mean this stuff personally at you, however it feels to be on the end of it - she's aiming at the world around her. You can build that trust back up, particularly now you're aware of how your reaction can affect her so deeply.

She is a child, you are an adult. Her welfare should be your priority.

Always keep the communication going with a teenager, their behaviour is caused by hormones and the drive towards independence.

You’ll never get that on MN - too many stupid people desperate to drop their pearls of wisdom. I wish MN would do something about it - make it impossible to post without reading all the OP’s posts, for example.

You obviously feel terrible about this and a bit lost. You know you’ve made a mistake but the good news is you can fix it! It sounds like you have had a good relationship with her in the past. I would sit down with her, maybe go for a walk or long car drive (sometimes helps to talk more openly without eye contact) and say sorry. Tell her you love her. Ask her what she wants to do next, no big dramas, just how you can manage this bump together. Don’t interrupt her at all. Listen. On a separate note you sound overwhelmed and down. Do you think it might be good for you to talk to someone? Therapist? Good luck x

By refusing to talk to her you are teaching her that is how to deal with an issue. And then you are getting upset that she won't talk to you.

Monkey see monkey do.