Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel stupid after sex on 4th date

253 replies

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:14

Was hoping I'd found a potential relationship as its been great. Flowers etc.

Slept together twice now. He does little foreplay before penetrative sex. He doesn't last long enough to try finish before him. We had a few drinks tonight and I had the confidence to ask him to do more foreplay on me as he barely tried before piv. He gave me oral for about ten mins and then complained of jaw ache and the moment being gone. He told me women usually cum fast,

I felt mortified and sad because I was confident tonight and thought we were getting into it
I feel humiliated any advice. We were at it for about 20 minutes a variety of things. Help

OP posts:
Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:21

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

What from kissing foreplay then sex

OP posts:
kinkiskarma · 03/09/2025 00:21

I am not sure if I am going to be helpful but just wanted to say you must not feel humiliated or sad because the guy just sounds a bit lousy. When you weren’t responding, he said other women were quicker which is an awful thing to say. I highly doubt that too, from the information you’ve given. He should have asked what else he could do or been comforting not get defensive and imply it was you.
what help do you want; do you still like him and is it worth the bother?

glittercunt · 03/09/2025 00:23

Everyone is different. So his comment about other women is, asides from being insensitive, rather incorrect. It also makes me think other women have probably 'politely' faked it with him.

PigletTiggerEeyoreAndRoo · 03/09/2025 00:24

It’s not you it’s him - it won’t get better - if he’s not putting in the effort at this stage then long term he never will.

Cinnabonswirl · 03/09/2025 00:24

Let him go
hes crap in bed and rather than take a polite hint, he’s blamed you, compared you unfavourably and said helping you ruins the vibe. Imagine this were the other way round he’d be outraged.

Sevenh · 03/09/2025 00:25

Sorry but he needs dumping. Mentioning other women is just not on and you shouldn’t feel inadequate in some way just because he isn’t prepared to put enough effort into finding out how to please you.

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:27

I haven't had this issue before. I feel sad because I thought I'd met someone for the long term. But he seems to quick to get to the deed

OP posts:
Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:29

It's like he had no interest in getting back into it after oral. He was just like the moments hone I've done that for ages whilst nothings been done to me.

OP posts:
jsku · 03/09/2025 00:31

You both seem a bit insecure and possibly inexperienced, tbh.
Why do you need to be drunk to say you need more foreplay. Also - foreplay doesn’t go one way only with him doing something for 10 min - sex is a team sport. And the best way to ‘ask’ for something in sex is to model the behaviour and do forplay on him.
As to ‘humiliation’ - why??? Sex in the early phase of a relationship is about discovering things about the other person - nothing humiliating about it.

As to lasting long (or not) - alcohol may have something to do with it. Newness and performance anxiety of early days - can too.
Generally - if you have chemistry, sex often becomes better with time, as you both relax and become more comfortable at communicating about sexual needs and wants

TenaciousDeeds · 03/09/2025 00:34

Cinnabonswirl · 03/09/2025 00:24

Let him go
hes crap in bed and rather than take a polite hint, he’s blamed you, compared you unfavourably and said helping you ruins the vibe. Imagine this were the other way round he’d be outraged.

Sadly I agree with this. It seems like a bit of a non-starter and it’s probably only going to get worse.

You’re better than this - head up, move on.

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:36

jsku · 03/09/2025 00:31

You both seem a bit insecure and possibly inexperienced, tbh.
Why do you need to be drunk to say you need more foreplay. Also - foreplay doesn’t go one way only with him doing something for 10 min - sex is a team sport. And the best way to ‘ask’ for something in sex is to model the behaviour and do forplay on him.
As to ‘humiliation’ - why??? Sex in the early phase of a relationship is about discovering things about the other person - nothing humiliating about it.

As to lasting long (or not) - alcohol may have something to do with it. Newness and performance anxiety of early days - can too.
Generally - if you have chemistry, sex often becomes better with time, as you both relax and become more comfortable at communicating about sexual needs and wants

We are 36 and 40 with kids. It's not a lack of experience my ex made me get there everytime. Because I have had a drink I was more confident which made me think we were experimenting and doing lots of different stuff, I wasn't expecting this

OP posts:
seaelephant · 03/09/2025 00:45

He's bad in bed and has no interest in your pleasure, that's all there is to it. I understand being embarrassed but it says a lot more about him than it does about you

Namechanged4obviousreasons · 03/09/2025 00:51

Did you perform oral on him too? I just wondered whether he felt it was all one sided.

Subwaystop · 03/09/2025 01:24

Sorry for the disappointment. It’s hard to realize he isn’t the hope you clung to. But it seems that’s sinking in. FWIW, I think you’re brave to face this as the red flags show up. Many would bury their heads in the sand and keep going. You didn’t. That bodes well for your future.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 03/09/2025 01:30

Bring compared unfavourably to other women would be the red line for me.

I would maybe have tried to work on the other stuff if he seemed worth the effort but after that comment? Nope, nope, nope.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/09/2025 01:53

You’ve absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about. He might have been lying about other women orgasming quickly. Or they lied and faked it just to get a over with.

Chuck him back

SherlockStones · 03/09/2025 04:01

You should want better for yourself than this

User37482 · 03/09/2025 05:07

Does he think you should just be able to orgasm with Penetration? I literally can’t have sex without foreplay so YANBU on that score.

Tbh I agree with pp, I think other women have just been “polite”. I’m not sure I’d want to continue to see someone who wasn’t interested in me having a good time during sex. It’s fine to have different ideas about how it usually goes as long as everyone is trying. If Dh asked me to do something different I would definitely give it a go, I definitely wouldn’t be offended.

You have no reason to feel humiliated though, it sounds like he just isn’t particularly good in bed.

SlieveMiskish · 03/09/2025 05:13

Get your vibrator out during sex?

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 05:39

So we were kissing and he removed some of my clothes for about 5 or so minutes. Went through to room. He went down on me for 2 minutes then wanted piv. After a few mins I switched position but realistically new it wasn't enough stimulation for me. So I said can you play with me for abit. I did give him a little oral but when he gave me it the position didn't allow me to do things to him.

I was very close when he stopped, he then said the moment was gone and he felt shit. He had no interest in getting himself hard again I could tell. I've never experienced a man being all about speed.

I thought it was fun to mix it up abit not just piv. He's also quite small compared to my past.

I don't know what he did for his ex because he's not very attentive.

Am I pretty normal or do most women finish in 10 minutes with a newish lover. He seemed insecure over me touching myself to he asked if hes not enough.

OP posts:
BCBird · 03/09/2025 05:45

seaelephant · 03/09/2025 00:45

He's bad in bed and has no interest in your pleasure, that's all there is to it. I understand being embarrassed but it says a lot more about him than it does about you

Id say he is selfish in.bed. Been there. Heard the same drivel re most women blah blah blah. Get rid.

BCBird · 03/09/2025 05:49

10 m nope. I. In my 50s quite inexperienced 2nd partner was 50s too. Wanted to spend time pleasing each other. We had both had selfish partners before. Spent time discovering each other. U have experienced satisfying sex before- u know this is not it. Don't waste your time.

Original poster
Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 05:59

BCBird · 03/09/2025 05:49

10 m nope. I. In my 50s quite inexperienced 2nd partner was 50s too. Wanted to spend time pleasing each other. We had both had selfish partners before. Spent time discovering each other. U have experienced satisfying sex before- u know this is not it. Don't waste your time.

My ex was not a nice man but he always pleased me and he knew my body. I like sex and I think he felt like giving me 15 mins of attention was a chore. But also I haven't met a man before who isn't hard whilst touching a woman. It's like giving me attention made his erection go.

OP posts:
BCBird · 03/09/2025 06:03

Do yourself a favour. Get rid. A nice man with sexual compatibility. Don't compromise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread