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Original poster

Feel stupid after sex on 4th date

253 replies

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:14

Was hoping I'd found a potential relationship as its been great. Flowers etc.

Slept together twice now. He does little foreplay before penetrative sex. He doesn't last long enough to try finish before him. We had a few drinks tonight and I had the confidence to ask him to do more foreplay on me as he barely tried before piv. He gave me oral for about ten mins and then complained of jaw ache and the moment being gone. He told me women usually cum fast,

I felt mortified and sad because I was confident tonight and thought we were getting into it
I feel humiliated any advice. We were at it for about 20 minutes a variety of things. Help

OP posts:
Moonlightfrog · 29/10/2025 09:24

He sounds like my ex 😬, I kept hoping things would get better but it didn’t, I just got more annoyed and frustrated. It doesn’t sound like he’s considering your needs at all and to say “woman usually cum quickly” is a bit cunty of him, he is wrong, maybe women have racked it with him to get it over with?

Anyway, you are not sexually compatible and it doesn’t sound like he wants to change so i would throw this one away.

NautilusLionfish · 29/10/2025 09:25

tamade · 29/10/2025 07:32

Reading through her posts the OP has said those things and thrown in that he has a small willy......
But I suppose he started it by being a crap lay and complaining about his jaw.

Sounds like they are sexually and emotionally incompatible. Time to move on

Show quote history

They are incompatible. Time to consciously uncouple😁

Phobiaphobic · 29/10/2025 09:33

A lazy misogynist with a small dick. Quite the catch, OP.

RoamingToaster · 29/10/2025 09:38

A guy his age isn't going to change. I'd look for someone else.

StarlightLady · 29/10/2025 09:42

BatchCookBabe · 29/10/2025 09:16

This went through my mind too, and I have thought this on similar threads. I don't get why people these days, jump into the sack with someone so quickly, often before knowing hardly anything about them. (Like by the 5th date.)

Someone said something like this on a thread the other week, and was shot down in flames by a few posters, who said they were at it like bunnies with their now husband on the second date - a few said the first night they met them, and now they're married 15 years blah blah blah. Nothing wrong with shagging right away. What a prude you are. I shagged a man I met an hour after meeting him, and we've been married 12 years etc etc etc...

I have never got this thing about hopping into the sack with people so soon. Is it a 'find out if they're a good shag before taking the relationship further, and if he doesn't measure up he's dumped' kind of test? It gives that impression from the way some women speak.

Even 30 years ago, DH and I didn't DTD for several months.

Show quote history

Then the poor OP would have waited several months to find out what she has found out sooner. No sense in that!

And sometimes passion can kick in and first date sex can be great.

Imbusytodaysorry · 29/10/2025 09:43

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

Disagree!

Tomorrowtodaywhenever · 29/10/2025 09:58

You are sexually incompatable. Either expect a relationship of crap sex or dump him. I have not continued otherwise great relationships based on crap sex. There is no point now you are free and single to then settle for being unsatisfied.
If I ever found myself single again then I definitely would not be settling. I have a list as long as my arm of what I would be looking for and I would rather be single than settle again. I think we settle for imperfection before having kids because we want a family, want to build a home. But once you have done this, and then become single again, there is no clock ticking, no pressure so you might as well keep searching until you find what you want in a person completely. If good sex is on your list and you are disapointed this early on, then really you have a good chance here to move on with a clean break before you waste more time.

Mugsey62 · 29/10/2025 10:16

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 29/10/2025 08:18

It is not!

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I don't think it was a long time even when I was 20 tbh. Certainly only just getting started after 20 minutes these days.

EdithBond · 29/10/2025 10:18

OP you shouldn’t feel stupid or mortified.

You should ask yourself why you feel that way. He’s made remarks in the moment that make you feel too demanding or not good enough. He’s also taken badly to you helping yourself, seeing it as some kind of slight to him.

This is cause for concern. A man who thinks only he alone can satisfy you and if he fails to do so, it must be your problem!

If all else is good, it may be worth an honest chat. Maybe he lacks confidence or much experience (other than in long relationships where there were low expectations), makes a lot of assumptions or perhaps no woman has ever explained to him what’s typical IRL (as opposed to films pandering to male fantasies).

If he reacts badly to an honest chat, probably time to move on.

Mothership4two · 29/10/2025 10:27

Heroyamslava · 29/10/2025 05:46

As a lot of above posters have pointed out ... TWENTY MINUTES IS A LOT : unless you are under 30 and have NO stress , insomnia , overwork , children , 90-year old parent , illnesses etc etc etc .. . . . .yes - the duration and frequency of Brits doing sex is massively exaggerated and hyped in our culture ,,, I expect that if you averaged out time spent in intimate sexual activity ... AVERAGE for a Brit will be something like 40 minutes per year . . . . . . . And you are one of the lucky few to get at least something !!!...

Edited
Show quote history

Many many more, including a couple of us old farts, have said it is not a lot at all - that's nothing.

Mulledjuice · 29/10/2025 10:30

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 00:29

It's like he had no interest in getting back into it after oral. He was just like the moments hone I've done that for ages whilst nothings been done to me.

Why are YOU feeling bad about it? He's neither skilled nor considerate enough to try to make sure you have a great time in bed at this stage. Imagine how disappointing he would be further down the line.

You dodged a bullet.

GlomOfNit · 29/10/2025 10:30

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

How long is a piece of string? 20 minutes for foreplay really doesn't sound excessively long, and I'm not sure if OP meant that included the actual PIV stuff!

I think it's really sad that the first post is essentially pushing the 'blame' or onus onto the OP.

GlomOfNit · 29/10/2025 10:33

OP, he's crap. Dump him, you can do so much better! His moaning about 'jaw ache', his unwanted (and BS) comparison with 'other women' (because let's face it, women REALLY want to be compared to other women in bed!), and implied criticism of you and your libido/sexuality, 'the moment is gone' (HIS moment!), not wanting you to touch yourself because it makes him feel inadequate (rightly so) ... none of it adds up to anything good. Luckily you've sussed him out in 4 dates so hopefully you can unhitch yourself from this waste of time.

Zebedee999 · 29/10/2025 10:46

Pinkbananaa · 03/09/2025 00:18

20 minutes is a long time tbh

20 mins from start to end is really not long at all!!!! You gotta get warmed up, enjoy it, then finish....

askmenow · 29/10/2025 10:48

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 05:39

So we were kissing and he removed some of my clothes for about 5 or so minutes. Went through to room. He went down on me for 2 minutes then wanted piv. After a few mins I switched position but realistically new it wasn't enough stimulation for me. So I said can you play with me for abit. I did give him a little oral but when he gave me it the position didn't allow me to do things to him.

I was very close when he stopped, he then said the moment was gone and he felt shit. He had no interest in getting himself hard again I could tell. I've never experienced a man being all about speed.

I thought it was fun to mix it up abit not just piv. He's also quite small compared to my past.

I don't know what he did for his ex because he's not very attentive.

Am I pretty normal or do most women finish in 10 minutes with a newish lover. He seemed insecure over me touching myself to he asked if hes not enough.

hes insecure about you touching yourself becos he’s got a small dick and feels undermined. LTB he’s not worth the time or effort because he’s not a team player in a team sport.

askmenow · 29/10/2025 10:48

Popthetop5 · 03/09/2025 05:39

So we were kissing and he removed some of my clothes for about 5 or so minutes. Went through to room. He went down on me for 2 minutes then wanted piv. After a few mins I switched position but realistically new it wasn't enough stimulation for me. So I said can you play with me for abit. I did give him a little oral but when he gave me it the position didn't allow me to do things to him.

I was very close when he stopped, he then said the moment was gone and he felt shit. He had no interest in getting himself hard again I could tell. I've never experienced a man being all about speed.

I thought it was fun to mix it up abit not just piv. He's also quite small compared to my past.

I don't know what he did for his ex because he's not very attentive.

Am I pretty normal or do most women finish in 10 minutes with a newish lover. He seemed insecure over me touching myself to he asked if hes not enough.

hes insecure about you touching yourself becos he’s got a small dick and feels undermined. LTB he’s not worth the time or effort because he’s not a team player in a team sport.

Sez1990 · 29/10/2025 10:48

I think at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what’s normal or what other people do, if you’re not compatible then you’re not compatible.

I would feel very disappointed by him as he felt that trying to please you made “the moment go” for him. I would want someone who wants to see me enjoying myself and doesn’t think sex is over just because he came. I also don’t like men who take things as a hit to their ego rather than a fun sexual challenge.

It takes me a long time to be ready for PIV and then to orgasm, sex from start to finish is very sensual and usually one or two hours for me. That’s not “normal” but it’s what I want and need, and if that’s not right for my partner then we’re just not compatible

Pietchi · 29/10/2025 10:54

He’s not very good sexually. He’s also trying to make you feel bad so you accept his sub standard shag.
I’d move on personally. Selfish men never change.

SandStormNorm · 29/10/2025 11:01

In the early stage of a relationship, he should be falling over himself to please you. Keepers enjoy the fact you find them enjoyable in the bedroom department. It all sounds like he is not very good, and not open to changing his ways. Sex performance is often reflecting selfish ways in other aspects of the relationship. He has showed you who he is, and what he wants (his way). If this aspect of the relationship is so disappointing this early in, imagine how you will feel a year or two down the line? Time to move on.

Missj25 · 29/10/2025 11:06

Aluna · 29/10/2025 08:39

He told me he's quite good in bed

We’ll be the judge of that laddie!

MN says no.

🤣 🤣 🤣

ConstitutionHill · 29/10/2025 11:13

He said "the moment has gone and I feel shit" eh? What's that supposed to mean?

Mothership4two · 29/10/2025 11:21

I think it means he has erectile dysfunction!

PermanentTemporary · 29/10/2025 12:26

40 minutes a year??

I know I’m supposed to say ‘each to their own’ but if this is right for you you’re… unusual. I almost think I’d rather have nothing at all than this.

ThisTaupeZebra · 29/10/2025 18:06

This is why I only sleep with neurodivergent men with time blindness and hyperfocus fwiw.

RoamingToaster · 29/10/2025 18:17

ThisTaupeZebra · 29/10/2025 18:06

This is why I only sleep with neurodivergent men with time blindness and hyperfocus fwiw.

That’s quite specific. How does one find such men?