He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

@BuckChucketsthankyou and no I'm not going back after reading that..

@PocketSand that sounds so awful I'm so sorry you went through that... yes the nice then nasty sounds very familiar and the contempt and 'playing the victim'. I'm so glad you found the strength to get out and are in a much better place now. I'm going to look into the women's aid freedom programme thankyou 🙏

@User2025meowthankyou and I agree with everything you're saying . It feels quite bonkers to find that paper but it certainly explains a few things...

Interesting update on the therapist @Needingadvice05 .

Where you are treating more than one person, like a family, or couple, you do see any bad behaviour as a pattern of relating to each other, rather than inherent in one person which you need to do in order to treat everyone fairly. Not sure it sounds like the therapist is being quite fair to you though. As I said earlier, I have met male counsellors who have no clue how DV works (I am sure there are female ones too, but have not had that experience with them).

How is your partner with you now? You are working very hard to understand him - but I dont hear any understanding from him and more worryingly, that any questioning is shut down. Has he been like this in any other situations? You cannot be in a healthy relationship where you cannot question the other persons behaviour at all, however offended or hurt they may feel by that - if you cant talk things out, you are in a toxic relationship.

Counsellor sounds like an MRA. Can he be reported to Relate? He’s been very unprofessional to say the least in his language; the paper on top of that should put a serious question mark over his suitability to work in this field.

I would be making a complaint about your counsellor. He is calling you names and taking sides against you... what the actual fuck? Do not go back to him. Maybe discuss it with your individual therapist. It sounds like she has way more of a clue about what's going on in your relationship.

No no no. This is bad. The therapist is not helping, may be ganging up on you. I think this should stop now. It is NOT your job to make your husband feel better (soften ffs). And I might have misinterpreted but if the therapist has really said you are hypersensitive then it’s game over.

I’m so sorry if I’ve misunderstood this.
Is this person your Relate therapist?
WTAF?

Honestly, your post took my breath away. Your counsellor is colluding and enabling your abuser. You need to stop meeting with him immediately and report him to his professional body. He is basically gaslighting you and dismissing your own experiences and making your DH the victim. I am flabbergasted at how unprofessional and biased he is.

Maybe you needing (or someone feeling the need to recommend) that book is an indicator that your relationship was already damaged, rather than him finding it being the problem.

I do wonder how he came to find a book that was at the bottom of your bag.

@Needingadvice05 may I ask how you came to choose that counsellor? Was it a random selection, or did your dh steer you towards him?

I’m linking to a pdf of the Lundy book as it may be easier for you to read it on your phone.

Thankyou @bumblebramble🙏 this therapist was actually recommended to us by our last couples therapist who said she couldn't help us anymore and said he was really good..:/

@Hotflushesandchilblains yes that makes sense re group therapy .. yes it seems some therapists
don't understand fully understand/ are not aware??? - Honestly, I feel like training in DV should be essential for all couples counsellors. Our current therapist has 25 years of experience and, judging by his published paper, has worked extensively with DV. In it, he outlines his theories and says he believes they can help couples not only improve their relationship but also stop the abuse.

Since our last session, DH has actually been in really good form. He had what I can only describe as a purge, which seemed cathartic for him — and I haven’t seen any of the difficult behaviour since.

I’m also seeing my own therapist tomorrow to put together an exit plan, so I’ll have that in place.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply — I know my posts are a bit long-winded 😅 but your support really means a lot.