He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

Bloody hell OP from his actions and your recent update- I think you're therapist was right on recommending the book. He sounds abusive. I hope you're safe x

He’s abusive AS FUCK. Gaslighting, controlling, mentally abusive. You need to get away from this man.

Thanks for the update OP

Hes a bastard. His behaviour is not normal. Hes a twisted little man. (Who is stronger than you and who doesnt eant to lose control of you).

If he thought you were too mental to be around your dc hed have phoned the authorities long ago. So he clearly doesnt think l that. There is nothing wrong with your care of dc. It’s all in his head. You really do need to gwt away from that prick. Do you want your male children to emulate his behaviour. Or your female children to be treated the way you are by him. No.

Remind yourself this is all about control. He doesn’t love you. Only himself. He is dangerous. Make plans to go safely.

@Needingadvice05Your experience is exactly like mine. Almost Word for word. (But my ex called me a cunt. A LOT).
They don’t get better.
They become more cruel and more audacious because you don’t leave.
Towards the end, my Ex said to me he could do what the fuck he liked as I would never leave him.

Manager at social services said that our case was distressing to read.
They take everything from you and leave you a shell of yourself.

I'm calling bullshit.

Either this is a troll poster or they should be struck off effective immediately.

Op listen to nothing this guy posts he's in no way genuine and his information is hugely incorrect.

You have EVERY right to speak to your therapist about whatever you want whenever you want. The one with the issue with communication here is your partner which is why it's so difficult for you to communicate with him- because he makes it impossible because he knows what you're saying is right he's just not prepared to change what he's doing.

Everything you've listed is abuse and if you went to womens aid they would absolutely take you seriously and support you. You meet their threshold for support and if you need to get out they will be able to help house you and your kids somewhere he cannot find you. Please give the helpline a call when you won't be overhead or you can go on their website for advice as well.

hi @user12345678901234im so sorry to hear that that sounds awful! I can't believe he said that to you thats horrendous. I'm so glad you got away from that man 😔 and hope you are ok now.

i just spoke to him. He is furious. He said I've painted the picture to my therapist of him as an abuser and he does not want to be with someone who thinks of him like that. I tried to explain my side to him and he said that even now I can't accept any responsibility and if it were the other way round I would be expect him to be grovelling.

He said he doesn't want to talk about it any more until he decides what he wants to do...

Thankyou so much @Lavender14🙏 I'm really grateful for this advice ❤️

he does not want to be with someone who thinks of him like that.

Nah, he wants to keep you under his control. He won't leave you if you beg, grovel, and humiliate yourself. He will love it because it's ammunition he can use against you for as long as you keep feeding him apologies and explanations.

Right, well I'm a IDVA and I can tell you you're way off the mark with how abuse manifests in the victim. I can't tell you how many clients call my service and start with the phrase 'I'm so sorry to waste your time, I'm not sure if this is abuse or not but...' and then go on to describe high risk behaviour, incredibly traumatic behaviour. It is insidious and many, many victims don't realise they're in an abusive situation, especially when they've been told that the abuser only said or did something because of the way the victim behaved.

Communication is not equal when it comes to the victim/abuser dynamic. You're not talking about two people trying to reach a resolution; you're talking about ONE person trying to reach a resolution and the other trying to win a battle the other person doesn't even know they're having. Conversations where the victim tries to tell the perpetrator that they don't like something they're doing immediately puts the perpetrator on the defensive and sounds like this: its your fault, you're the one with the problem, I wouldn't behave like that if if you hadn't done this, anyone normal wouldn't be bothered by what I've done, what about when you did that thing to me, and anyway you just misunderstood it in the first place.

Is it any wonder people go to a therapist to help them unpick it all? As a Clinical Psychologist, you might want to consider attachment theory alongside traumatic bonding and why exactly a victim may not immediately recognise the dynamic as being abusive. And please never, never suggest to a client that they confront their abuser with the idea that they are abusive, or suggest that they should just talk to them about it. There is a reason mediation between such couples is never recommended, and why psychologists running perpetrator programmes approach abusers so carefully and ONLY with safety planning firmly in place.

@Needingadvice05 if it helps at all, almost all the clients I've ever worked with have been told by their abuser that they have mental health issues. It's usually used as a threat: that if they ever leave the relationship they will tell the family court / social services / whatever that they have mental health problems so their children will be taken away. Honestly, it's almost all of them. Perpetrators will even wheel out the fact that the client had postnatal depression a decade before as a 'reason' their child will be taken away. It's all absurd (and satisfying when, if it does end up going to court, the judge asks for evidence from a healthcare professional that the client is a danger to their child).

He's pretty textbook in the things he is saying and doing. I probably don't need to tell you that if you've read Lundy Bancroft, but I don't mind reiterating it. It doesn't sound like an equal dynamic where you or your feelings are treated with respect. It sounds like your feelings are an inconvenience to be squashed.

"I tried to explain my side to him and he said that even now I can't accept any responsibility and if it were the other way round I would be expect him to be grovelling."

This is textbook gaslighting- trying to shift accountability from himself onto you to make you take responsibility that isn't yours to take.

"He said he doesn't want to talk about it any more until he decides what he wants to do"

And this is a power play designed to keep you on egg shells and in limbo. I would also guess that what he's actually thinking about is how to manipulate you out of the strength you're finding with your therapist and via conversations like this.

I will just say op that if you have children and from the way he's been talking (going by your posts) I think you'd be really wise to contact social services yourself and report this. Because he's already threatening to paint you as the abuser if he loses control and that's an indirect threat that he could affect your access to your children. If you go to them yourself they will see that as you being protective of your kids by reaching out for help and support and they'll also support you to leave. If you don't then leave, or if he goes before you and reports you and spreads lies then you will be the one being investigated over your ability to keep your kids safe from the emotional abuse he's creating around them. So it would be very important to get ahead of this and take the steps you need to. I know many people (myself included) worry about breaking up their child's family and honestly, it's better to have seperated parents than a toxic household when it comes to kids. Plus YOU were not the one who broke up the home - he did as a result of his abuse.

Also OP, if you try to leave this man do not let him know what you are planning.

Tgere is no talking with this man. There is no reasoning with him. You are operating on two different planes and ik honestly worried for your safety here.

What’s he like with the children OP? Is he financially controlling too?

I was once in a supervision group with a male psychotherapist who was blithely telling us about his female client with low self esteem issues and high anxiety who had fallen down the stairs twice in a row one day. It was clearly explained to him by the room full of women he was sitting in that this had hallmarks of abuse. He absolutely refused to believe us. So it is vaguely possible that you are really that uninformed about domestic abuse but before you start handing out advice about relationships, you need to educate yourself. Because people like the OP are very vulnerable, and you run the risk of giving advice that could get them killed.

@1clavdivsI have been diagnosed with OCD and generalised anxiety disorder if that gives any context - he sais that's why he calls me 'unwell' in arguments

Thank you @Lavender14this all feels very scary... I mean contacting social services etc would he find out if I did that?

@Typicalwavewhen you say safety - he would never be physically abusive.. is that what you mean?

@Hallywallyhe is very good with the children. Financially controlling? He is the breadwinner as I'm still technically on maternity leave. He has given me cards to use but has never restricted spending or anything...

@Needingadvice05 it sounds as if he is using your diagnosis to silence you if he's bringing it up during arguments.

I'm not surprised he's insisting you apologise and make him feel better, but I doubt that if you do that that will be the end of it. I expect it'll be another stick to beat you with in the future.

I also expect that, while he's telling you he's deciding whether to stay in the relationship, if you dared to make that decision for him he'd be trying to force you to stay. It's usually the way it plays out.

Thankyou @1clavdivsthats really helping me make sense of things. I'm really overwhelmed with the amount of support on here 🙏

That’s what I believed about mine too.

But I also fear for your social and mental safety - this man sounds like he will go to great lengths to destroy you via a smear campaign, and wouod possibly use other professionals in that smear campaign.

He is making thinly veiled threats and in all likelihood, steps to leavd him will make him ramp up his behaviour.

He is currently coercively controlling you.

tajd a look at this below (and I’d be inclined to maid a Claire’s Law application to the police to see if he’s got any previous)

https://www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

Any time. It might be a good idea for you to find out who your local domestic abuse service is and give them a call. Then you can talk it over with an IDVA, which I'm sure would help. Obviously don't tell him. Oh, and get ready for him insisting you stop seeing your therapist.

Thankyou @Typicalwaveill have a look. Yes I did think about Claire's law although anything to do with contacting the police or social services etc scares me...

@Needingadvice05I am out now, my children are thriving and I am finding myself again. We have peace and safety.
However, I haven’t shaken off the regret and guilt for exposing my beautiful children to it all.
We have a gorgeous little house by the sea and I chose the decor etc. (He controlled everything, even the furniture we bought. I left with nothing).
But it took me 22 years and my best friend reporting my family to social services for me to realise I was being abused horrifically. My children were the subject of a Child Protection order. I almost lost them.
I was so terrified of my ex that I stayed for far too long. We ran away in the end and we were homeless for a while. I told him we were leaving by email and attached the Social Services report.
He was surprised! Actually surprised. I couldn’t believe that, even when it was in front of him in black and white, he still didn’t accept what he was! He’s had compulsory counselling as SS required and hasn’t changed one bit.

We went to Relate first and when I admitted to my counsellor what was going on he was furious. He did not recognise himself in what I was saying. But the abuse got worse after that and more physically violent. In his words “you said I was an abuser, so I might as well abuse you”. And still I stayed, because he’d convinced me that it was my fault and my responsibility to fix it.

I cannot stress enough how very, very similar your situation seems to mine at the start. His words are verbatim. They do have a script.

I’ve posted my story on quite a few threads on here and if I can get just one woman to safety from one of these monsters I will die a happier woman.

He would find out if you did that yes, as they'd need to speak to him and the children. So if you're going to do it it's best done along with leaving the relationship when you're safely away from him.

Oh my gosh @user12345678901234that is absolutely horrendous I'm so so sorry you went through that... honestly I just can't believe that kind of behaviour exists it's so awful and shocking. I'm so happy you and your children are safe and thriving ❤️

Thats interesting to hear that he absolutely did not believe that he was abusive... my partner seems to absolutely not believe he is ... he said earlier.. 'you live in a fantasy land.. if you think I'm controlling, I don't want to be with you.. if you think I'm a gaslighter.. I don't want to be with you.. if you think I'm aggressive.. I don't want to be with you... ' idk he seems to be adamant he is not in any way any of those things so it's interesting to hear the shock your partner had when he was confronted...

@Lavender14thankyou for that info... I actually spoke with a family lawyer a few months - I was originally meant to be discussing a prenup with them but then the conversation went into the possibility of separation.. I explained some of the things that had been happening and he said it sounded like domestic violence.. then the firm emailed me with this report... im thinking that might be useful in future if I need it...

That’s not a surprising response. Abusers do like to think of themselves as basically good and decent people like everyone else and will vigorously defend that self image.

The fact that he’s not at all interested in how his actions may have impacted on you to the point of having to seek out a therapist tells you everything you need to know. His care factor is zero.

I used to be like you and think that if only I was able to explain it a certain way, he’d finally get it and we could make the necessary changes. But when you are caught in a never ending cycle of justifying, arguing, defending and explaining with nothing to show for it, it’s time to look after your mental wellbeing and sanity. It took me a long time to fully grasp that though so I do understand your situation.

Thankyou @WalkingaroundJardineim glad to hear you had the strength to get out of your situation too ❤️ I hope you're in a much healthier and happier place 🙏