He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

Look up “power and control wheel” as well. And consider each section. Maybe only a couple might apply. The fact he filmed you without your consent talking to a man - this is going into coercive control behavior. If there is jealousy involved, especially unfounded, that can be associated with future threats of escalating negative behaviors on his part as he seeks to have increased control over you. You’ll need to educate yourself more on the subject of power and control dynamics to try to figure out what you think is happening. It’s good you have your own therapist to talk things through with.

If this is his (insane) reaction from finding a book, are you sure there is no chance he won't find and read this thread on your phone @Needingadvice05 Stay safe.

@user12345678901234 I know that's what I mean... not once has my therapist called him out on any behaviour... so that's what makes me question it.. surely if he thought it was bad behaviour he would say it was?? Or end the therapy? Instead he just asks me how these things make me feel and vice versa.. he said he didn't think he could continue therapy with us once because our 'stories are so different' but I would have thought that they way DH talks in the sessions he might be able to tell there is something going on... ?? Can I ask you what you told your therapist before she said she wouldn't see you again? And how she told you she wouldn't see you?? OMG I just re- read the last part of your message - that is SO awful... he physically abused you.. no wonder your therapist wouldn't agree to do therapy with you!! I'm so sorry that's so awful ...

@User2025meow thankyou for your post -
i would have thought he would be trained or be able to see but it seems not.. he seems to be unaware of how things can be damaging or not think it is -- I'm just so confused.. I'm tempted to ask him to have a private session to ask him what he thinks but I doubt I would get the answers I need... I feel like that email he sent saying 'The cycle itself is the problem, not either of you individually.' means he just doesn't think there is an abuse problem...

Thankyou I will look up the power and control wheel- I'm desperate to find / understand what is happening.. 🙏🙏🙏

@Needingadvice05 the therapist saying they may not continue sessions because “your stories are too different” is obviously code for “one of you is lying”. He’s not willing to get to the bottom of who is lying, but is perfectly happy to continue to take your money. I would recommend finding a new therapist.

Either way, he seems to be saying that you two are in a cycle that you can’t seem to break, even with professional help. Perhaps it’s time to call it a day.

What’s happening is you’re unhappy and need to leave. There is no single eureka moment where you understand why he does what he does and are suddenly blissfully happy.

I second this.
The Relate therapist wouldn’t see us after the initial session.

Thankyou everyone.. I really appreciate it 🙏 xx

Hang on, is the couples therapist the same person who recommended you read the book?

Sorry if I’ve missed that in the thread, but that sounds fraught with potential issues if so.

@SpringboksSocks my own therapist recommended I read the book - not our couples therapist x

That’s good. If you’re finding those sessions helpful then I’d carry on if you can (but not with the couples ones). Hope things are ok. I know you’ve had a lot to take in since you started the post x

Thankyou so much @SpringboksSocksyes a lot to take in... I know I keep saying it but I'm honestly so grateful this forum exists and that posters have taken the time to read and comment... it's been such a huge source of support... I'm so thankful to everybody xxx

As a therapist, I have a couple of questions about your couples counsellor. For a start, it is not generally recommended to do several types of therapy at the same time. If your couples counsellor knows you are in your own therapy too, what did he say?

Second - not all counsellors are very good at understanding abuse. I know that sounds strange, but unfortunately, some have not had special training and just dont understand it. I think it was on this thread that I posted about being in a supervision group with a male counsellor who was discussing a case where there were clear signs of abuse. He had no idea and when it was pointed out to him, was really dismissive. It was quite amazing to see him tell a room full of women, some of who had experienced abuse, that they were all over reacting.

I have concerns that you are in couples counselling at all at the moment. You sound like you continue to want to minimize what is happening. But of all the reactions he could have had to finding you reading that book, the one you described is the concerning one.

I am not responding to this because I am a man or whatever else ,it can be the same both ways.

Anyway OP replies to me a few times and she gets my point.

As you were

Thankyou @Hotflushesandchilblainshe didn't say anything about me having my own therapy.. yes he has been quite dismissive of certain things ... he insisted my partner 'wasn't yelling at me' which I then questioned
'how can he say that if he wasn't there?' To which he replied .. 'to your DH it isn't yelling, he grew up where that was normal' He did apologise after..

He's called me 'hypersensitive' a couple of times and has also told me that when my partner is angry I need to go towards him to soften him as my partner has abandonment issues...

When DH told the therapist about the book DH was very angry about it and said I have no empathy (I texted my partner the next morning after he stormed out saying i hope he was ok.. was just a stupid book and I really do love him and can we talk' to which he replied 'there is nothing to talk about and things are 'crystal clear'

The therapist told me to understand that DH was upset rather than angry and agreed with my DH that I needed to have empathy...

Sorry about the long message... honestly it's so confusing.. and probably tiring to read! X

just so you know, having counselling with an abusive partner is NEVER recommended.

They will use it to use the counsellor to justify their behaviour, to rationalise it, while making out you're wrong, and use the things you talk about in it as more ammo to abuse you between appointments.

Please just leave, the stuff you have talked about him doing is NOT OK, and not 'normal'.

It doesn’t sound like your male counsellor has much woman-centred experience with abusive partners. And I agree with @Kreepture.

Counselling with abusive partners is not recommended. 💐

@Needingadvice05

Words have a lot of power and a therapist should not be calling you hypersensitive.

I'm suspicious of this therapist. He seems to be doing MORE than colluding with your partner's abuse because he doesn't see it but is also actively encouraging it and joining in.

Some people work very hard to get where they are and they do it for all manner of nefarious reasons. A couple's therapist who joins in with the gaslighting of a woman who is on the receiving end of abuse and is encouraging you to fawn over your partner (see fight, flight, freeze, fawn response) is reminding me of the story that's just come to light of the surgeon with his own amputation fetish!

Love this understatement. I completely agree!

Relate couples counsellors always start from an assumption that both parties are not abusive and want to fairly resolve issues but are communicating badly. It can take a while for a good one to pick up on an abusive dynamic.

The counseller eventually got it and said to STBEX ‘you’re very good at this aren’t you?’ and he replied, without thinking ‘yes I am’. She wasn’t prepared to see us as a couple after that but STBEX didn’t want to continue once she had seen through him anyway. In a way it was more powerful because she’d given him the benefit of the doubt before she saw his mask slip. I don’t think your counseller would ever acknowledge he got it wrong.

Wow @PocketSand that must have been quite a moment when he said that infront of the therapist and you got some much needed validation 🙏

The therapist works with Relate. I was looking into Relate’s policies on domestic violence and came across a paper he wrote on the topic of addressing DV in therapy ....which might explain some things!!!!

@Needingadvice05 That therapist seems to be just placating your partner and not listening to both sides¬ is therapist a male>>>

The paper questions some of the feminist views on domestic violence and also explains violent behavior as a relational pattern rather than simply an individual choice.

WTF. Please tell me you're not going back after finding this out. Echoing everyone else who has said couples counselling isn't for when there's abuse.

TBH I was so beaten down mentally at the time and his mask had slipped so many times that it was normal and then brushed over that it only really registered with me when she personally phoned me to apologise. She seemed more upset than me! That she had let me down and made things worse.

I was of course under-reacting. But the experience led me to women’s aid. I didn’t need validation. It wasn’t about winning an argument. It was about getting me and DC out of an abusive situation.

Sad to say it took years. I was confused, I doubted myself, I was financially dependant, I had SEN DC but the real issue is that he would switch between being awful and being nice. I would have all my plans in place to leave knowing it would be hard and then he would change and I would think the nastiness was a blip and things wound be OK and then BAM straight back to the nastiness. Not just being mean but contempt. Because I hadn’t left. And the playing the victim. I didn’t really love him but he was one of the good ones. And then back to nice and then back to nasty, faster and faster til I didn’t know what was what.

I read lots on coercive control. I went through the history of our relationship. All the things I had glossed over. There was so much. So much I seemed to have forgotten that all came back.

The women’s aid freedom programme was a game changer for me.

He's called me 'hypersensitive' a couple of times and has also told me that when my partner is angry I need to go towards him to soften him as my partner has abandonment issues...

What you are reporting about your couples counsellor is extremely concerning. No counsellor can ever call their client 'hypersensitive', even if they think they really are!! He's gaslighting you! He doesn't know what happened, he has your version and your partner's version - for all he knows it could be much worse than either of you are reporting. So he can NEVER say you are 'hypersensitive'. It's not his place to tell you what you are or are not. He's just there to help the two of you process your thoughts and feelings and teach better communication.

I completely disagree about you having to go to your partner when he is angry in order to 'soften' him because he has 'abandonment' issues. When your partner is angry, he needs to take himself off to a quiet space and calm down so that he is not tempted to show you his anger. It is not YOUR job to manage his emotions and help him out of his emotions. That is your partner's work alone. And anyway, anger is a secondary emotion. So really your partner needs independent therapy to work through what his underlying emotions are. And that is NOT your work.

Then you say your couples counsellor wrote a paper: "The paper questions some of the feminist views on domestic violence and also explains violent behavior as a relational pattern rather than simply an individual choice."

OMG - really the papers that need to be written on domestic violence are : how do we stop women being killed at the hands of their partners .... not investigating feminist views on domestic violence. Violent behaviour is all about control. I would stop seeing him if I were you. In fact, I would report him somewhere.