He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

How dare you come onto a women's support forum and try to mansplain domestic abuse to women when you are clearly very ill informed yourself and are peddling harmful and dangerous messages.

Do better.

And if you want to know how I know this it's because I have actually learnt a thing or two doing specialist trauma work with male and female victims of domestic abuse, have qualifications in this field and train other professionals in correct ways to identify and respond to domestic abuse.

That poster was absolutely right and it is exactly how things work to center the safety of the victim. "Some abusers are not even aware certain actions are abuse. " I would question why you're so keen to center the abuser in this scenario? If its all about control then they know what they're doing and abuse is all about control.

"Certain people can talk in a certain tone and it can be normal to someone else and not to the next" so this is a form of gaslighting victims. Don't do that. It's for op to work out what's safe/normal or not and most importantly what's a boundary she wants to have for herself within her relationships in terms of how she needs to be treated by a spouse in order to feel safe in a relationship. Funnily enough the book the therapist has rightly suggested is a perfect book to help op tease that out. If her partner is not abusive then that would help op identify that. But the issue here is that he's very clearly abusive and he's reacting in this way because he knows this book is likely to undermine the gaslighting he's worked hard at to keep op on the back foot and in a perpetual state of confusion and dysregulation so she can't easily make a decision to leave.

Sorry op for talking about you in 3rd person but that really got my goat.

I read that book and it helped me immensely.

Your therapist has insight into your situation and has recommended a book about domestic abuse to you?

Think the fact your partner has found it, had a tantrum and immediately got you on the defensive, justifying yourself and trying to undo the ‘damage’ you have done is beyond telling.

Please tell me you have another session soon where you can discuss this?

100% this. Well done @Lavender14

Oh dear. I have just moved house OP, and was quite astonished to find all the (pre internet) books I had bought to try and understand the various gaslighty behaviours I had lit up with from both my exH’s. They were both emotionally and verbally abusive which was horrendous. Why I put up with it for as long as I did, I’ll never know. Wasn’t strong enough I guess and didn’t want to ‘break the family up’ as one of them would have then told the DC a myriad of lies as to why HE had had an affair and done just that. He was incapable of telling the truth in the end.
All I can say is get yourself away from him if your gut is telling you you are emotionally incompatible. He won’t change, they never do.
I am the happiest I’ve been for decades now, because I live alone with my dogs and cat. Nobody shouting at me any more, nobody threatening me. It takes courage, so find some of you need to. Good luck.

Can you explain WHY you’d have an issue moving forward?

Because you’d be incensed she thinks you could be abusive?
Because you think she should have talked to you about it
Because you feel she’ll was wrong to follow her therapist advice??

Because tbh I’m struggling to see why you’d have an issue with it unless you’d also have issues about books on feminism or any other issue you feel might paint you ‘in a bad light’

EDIT TO ADD
😂😂😂😭😭 at the idea that you should first talk to your abusive partner about him being abusive.
I mean just think two seconds there. What do you think would happen??
And if Theres no buse, it’s still ok to read books about abusive men you know…. Even when your dh is one of the nice ones.

question is, is he that abusive that you needed a book and not just talk to him about what affects you?

This determines what happens next. Clarify this first and maybe we would suggest best step

Tbh I hope you are safe (seems like you are and you only worry is that he will leave you)

I’m going to add that even if ‘some people just talk that way’ or ‘they don’t know theyre being abusive’, it doesn’t mean that
1- women have to put up with it
2- it’s the woman role to teach the abusive man he is abusive and how to behave well.

Women are not rehabilitation centres for badly behaved men.
They don’t have to put up with anyone ‘who just talk that way’.
And it’s totally ok for them to learn about boundaries, listening to their instinct and rebelling against being treated like shit.

Well how much were you through the book? Does it resonated? If.it does, he knows he cant play the narcissist textbook, thats maybe why hes pissed off?

you clearly have no idea about abuse and what it is.

Many women are being abused and do NOT know theyre been abused until it’s spelled out to them. And theyre told theyre not making a mountain out of a molehill. That they can cope wo said man. That they are worthy.

There isn’t such a thing as ‘that abusive’.
Someone is abusive or theyre not. That’s it.

" Because you think she should have talked to you about it"

This is why, so I said Unless she had brought it up to him first as an issue then hey, she can get her therapist to help in all ways.

Partners communicate first before anything because if you seek external help before speaking to me about the said issue then you have an issue yourself with "communication".

"you’d also have issues about books on feminism " ? What in the actual hell? How would me having an issue with my partner not communicating about an issue first translate to me having an issue women deserving equal social, economic, and political rights and freedoms? 😂

P/S on what you added, why is it not obvious that you should talk to your partner about anything you do not like or agree with? Why is that an absurd idea? Abuse being the issue here. If your partner does something you do not like you just run to a book or therapist and expect him to understand that you did not agree or like it? This is laughable.

lastly: "if Theres no buse, it’s still ok to read books about abusive men you know." I agree but in this case, her therapist told her to read it so consider the context pleas.

Read the posts the OP posted, there is clearly an issue and she is not in denial.

I am a clinical pyschologist, I think I do know what "ABUSE IS"

Thank you for your time. Please consider context and reading OP's full posts when you respond.

You say might be something for him to think about which says you’re hoping he’ll change, very few abusers ever do, they usually escalate, sounds like you’re wanting to pacify him to stop an escalation, you honestly are in an abusive relationship and hope with the right therapy you can end it

No no, I just mean if you have never brought up an issue with his behaviour to him first. I think it would bring up an issue with open communication.

Just to ask, if he abusive and thats why your therapsit suggested you read it?

I read that book. About ten years ago. I got a highlighter pen and ran it through all the parts that related to my relationship. I gave it to my husband, hoping he would see himself in there. He didn’t give a shit. I’m not sure he even read the first few pages.
His behaviour got worse. I almost lost my children because he started to abuse them, especially the girls as they became teenagers. I’ll never forgive myself for that.
I am now divorcing him. I should have done it straight after reading that bloody book and I didn’t. I’ll regret that forever. So much wasted time, trying to get him to change, when I could have been happy.
If an actual therapist has suggested that book, you have a big problem! She’s trying to get you to see that what’s happening to you isn’t right.

Can you please post details of your clinical psychology practice so that people can avoid you.

Oh wait, no you can't because there is no way in hell that a qualified mental health professional would be on a relationship forum trying to tell women that it's okay for their partner to punish them for learning about abuse.

9ctbull
I’m a clinical psychologist too and I’m absolutely horrified by what you’re saying. Have you ever tried talking to an abusive partner about the fact that they’re abusive? I have.. and it doesn’t end well. Many, many other people here will testify to the same. Hope you’re ok Op.

Thankyou @mcdog yes I am going to get another session with her to discuss asap.

Some examples of behaviour that im not sure if its abusive or not :

Every tme I bring up that I'm upset with something rude he's said he blames my hormones or mental health and tells me I'm 'not well'.

When I've had an argument with him because I don't like the way he's spoken to me I tell him
I'm going to go to my mums with the baby - he sais he's going to call the police and tell them I have mental health problems.

He's called me a 'drama queen' and 'a fucking moron' in arguments.

One of his complaints is I don't think about him enough/ don't care about him/ don't do enough for him. I'm a bad partner, I'm selfish. He criticises me a lot - the way I clean and the way I play with the kids. I'm too hectic, I'm fraught
around them.

He's secretly filmed me before talking to a man and sent it to his friend.

After going out with friends I've gone to have a shower (because I've been vaping and don't want to have the residue on me around baby) and he questions it and sais 'there's only one reason people have showers when they come back from going out'

When I've been cross with him he sais 'that he doesn't want me around the children when I'm like this' when I say 'I'm fine with the children I'm upset with you' he sais 'I disagree, there was a dirty nappy in his cot this morning, you left the baby gate open this morning and we're about to take him out in a heatwave' and then tells me to 'SNAP OUT OF IT'

Sometimes in arguments he'll mimic my voice.

If I ever try to bring up something I don't like that he's done it escalates so I'm scared to bring anything up.

I mean those are just a few examples and perhaps some of those are normal things to say in arguments.. idk..

Clinical Psychologist? Righto.
If a therapist has recommended that book, they’ve done it for a reason. Many victims of abuse have been gaslit so badly, they don’t even realise they are being abused. You don’t actually need to be a clinical psychologist to know that. Many, many abusers place all the blame on the victim and in time, the victim comes to accept that it is their fault. HOW MANY men have blamed the woman when they’ve hit them? “I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t do xyz” Utter bollocks of course, but there are a plethora of threads on here that demonstrate exactly that and unfortunately most of us have witnessed it in real life.
And no of course it isn’t safe for some women to say to their abusive partner “excuse me, you are abusive”. FGS.

I’m so sorry op but this is classic emotional abuse. It’s not normal in healthy relationships no.

You’ll have to point out what makes you think she isn’t in denial about the abuse..
Because tbh I haven’t seen that at all….

If you are indeed a clinical psychologist (you dint say who you’re working with. Fir all we know, it might be children so no direct experience of abused women…), I’m finding it worrying you are getting the OP so wrong tbh.
And that you think it’s possible to discuss an ongoing abuse with an abuser.

Oh btw @9ctbull seeing the last post from the OP, can you now see the abuse AND the fact she still need to be told it’s abusive because she doesn’t see it?

Maybe you shouldn’t have claimed to be a clinical psychologist afterall…..

I can see why your therapist recommended the book, OP. And why your horrid partner is trying to guilt you into ignoring the advice.

At least 9ctbull has given us a chuckle with his make believe profession.

Off the topic of the thread slightly, but do you know what’s really, really sad Move? I work mainly with children and teens, and the number of adolescent girls in abusive relationships is shocking 😢

@Needingadvice05 all the things you’ve described? They all fit classic emotional abuse.
You have some DARVO, gaslighting, threats, telling you you’re a psycho etc etc….

Please carry in reading the book. How far have you gone? What does it show you so far?

I thought about that when I wrote it 😢😢