He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

Ideally he'd want to talk to you about it.

The fact that he doesn't appear to want to and that you appear to be scared/worried indicates that this relationship is terminally ill if not actually dead.

If you need further outside reassurance, tell us about your day to day life with him. Posters can offer comparisons with their relationships.

Your bf was going through your handbag and found a book about abusive boyfriends and he's reacting poorly by tossing it on the bed and sleeping elsewhere. Now he's said the situation is crystal clear and he knows what the book is about.

He's mad that he could be considered abusive. I think he's going to try to make you feel guilty, like how could you think that about me and put you on the defense by playing victim and sabotage your therapy.

If a man wasn't abusive, they'd be shocked that what they were doing could be seen that way and want to find out why and discuss it. They would be appalled that you don't feel safe.

There's a reason your therapist gave you that book to read.

In a healthy relationship, a
nan would say “oh, that looks interesting-can I read it after you?”

@Needingadvice05Are you safe?

Thankyou so much everyone.

Yes @CurlewKate I'm just readying through all of the posts and feeling very grateful for everyone's thoughts and advice. 🙏 xx

It depends how you want things to go now I guess. If you want time to think things through and possibly believe your relationship can be saved or if you think it will keep you safe, you can always lie. You could tell him that you and your therapist are working through some issues from previous relationships and the therapist has suggested you read the book in connection with a previous relationship?

The book says at the beginning, that it won't tell you to leave him, it is a personal decision.
It will help you understand his actions and to not fall for his plays.

Is is ever reasonable to be pissed that your partner is reading a book? How bad must the book be to elicit such a reaction?

Let's say for now that he actually has some traits and is using the strategies the book is describing. When he says it is crystal clear and doesn't answer your messages, what situation is he setting up? Do you think he is actually leaving, or is he trying to make you feel guilty? What reaction is he trying to get from you?
Why?

One assertive answer would be, yes I needed to sort my thoughts and hoped this book will help me. What seems to be the problem?
He: it's anti men and destroys relationships/so you think I'm treating you badly/...
You: I don't say I agree with each world, it was recommended to me and I just wanted to check it.

As a man here, Unless you have pointed that I am abusive or whatever the book is about, i would have an issue going forward to be honest.

At the end of the day, it is my opinion, maybe he will see it different. Why are your reading and hoping to learn from it?

If he didn't recognise himself in the book there wouldn't be any need for him to be so upset would there?

Your therapist recognises you need to run a mile OP so why don't you? I hope you can escape him soon.

No, what's damaging to your relationship is whatever caused you to feel the need to read that book.

Thankyou @9ctbull you mean you would have an issue going forward seeing that book?

Why would you not wonder why your partner was needing to read that book?

You wouldn't look at your own behaviour at all?

Well, what I'll write, I'm not sure I'd be able to do myself, however I'll write it anyway.
Do not go into appology mode. You do not need to appologise for having and reading a book he does not like.
Find out what his questions regarding you having this book are. Make him express himself fully (no hiding behing: 'we all know what that means', 'it's obvious' - no, it is not to me darling, can you explain)
Then, if he's interested in your answers, answer them as honestly as you can.

And I think if you're not able to so the above and are afraid of he reaction, you likely are in an abusive relationship and book is not the problem. Good luck.

that is literally why I said " Unless you have pointed that I am abusive or whatever the book is about"

If you partner is seeking external help for an issue she or he never discussed with you then that is an issue

Why should she point out that you're abusive? You should be able to work that out for yourself.

He says if he wasn't abusive. I don't understand why your therapist wanted you to read the book unless your partner is abusive. You do understand that, don't you?

Hello man here!

Many of us have husbands and partners who have no problem with our reading material. Why would they?

A woman could have a friend that she is worried about it any number of reasons for reading such a book that have absolutely nothing to do with who she is with.

are you serious? that is not how things work!

Certain people can talk in a certain tone and it can be normal to someone else and not to the next

Abuse is not just physical and some abusers are not even aware certain actions are abuse. Learn a thing or two

I think she said her Therapist told her to read it "for her"

The book isn't the problem. There would be no issue if my partner found me reading that book. The problem is your partner's behaviour. He threw a strop because he knows you're learning about him.

I'm sorry OP

I read it as I was coming out of a high control group, and was also worried about a friend who came out of same group into an abusive romantic relationship.

Dh had no interest in what I was reading.

Your oh sounds defensive and on the attack.

"Unless you have pointed that I am abusive" out of curiosity how safe do you think it would be for an abused woman to point out that their partner is being abusive? Funnily enough abusive partners tend to know they're being abusive because abuse is "intentional and persistent" by definition. They do what they do intending to cause harm with the purpose of gaining power and control over the other person. Therefore there cannot be a rationale, calm conversation about it because that conversation will be manipulated to gaslight the victim in order to retain that power and control. So it is never, ever the job of the victim to educate the abuser on their behaviour. It is not the job of women to fix abusive or broken men. It is their job to be accountable for their own behaviour.

"If you partner is seeking external help for an issue she or he never discussed with you then that is an issue" counselling sessions are private and confidential by nature. Everyone deserves a private space to understand their own thinking and feeling and they are not obligated to share that with a spouse. Particularly an abusive spouse when it may put them in danger. You should be respecting your partners right to privacy and autonomy even within a healthy relationship. Your thinking is very, very flawed so if you're going to come into a forum and give your opinion "as a man" to a female victim of abuse can you at least make sure you're actually informed on supporting victims of abuse and you're not relaying harmful messages to someone in a vulnerable position. And FYI this is the same I'd ask of any woman supporting a male victim of dv.

It's really not safe for someone who is in an abusive relationship to point out to the abuser that they are abusive. It certainly won't change their behaviour.

OP, I suspect that what he will want now is for you to work VERY hard to make him feel better and reassure him that you don't think he's abusive. He is unlikely to want to sit with uncomfortable thoughts himself and I would guess that it will be your job to change those uncomfortable thoughts for him. I'd also predict that the incident is likely to be wheeled out after any disagreement to guilt you into backing down.

What do YOU think, anyway? Do you think he's abusive? Have you recognised anything in the book?

Er no. You learn a thing or two about abusive men yourself.

Are you safe OP? Tread carefully. Maybe your therapist couod offer advice on how to safely proceed. Id message someone like my best mate and tell them what’s happened just so they know and can check on me later.

Do you want to split up from him? Or are you still considering how to proceed? Stay safe. X