He just found my copy of 'Why does he do that'

[Needingadvice05]

In my bag... how do I handle it?

@Hotflushesandchilblainsi just went in and checked my bag - is was wide open and there was nothing else in there so I guess he just saw it - he came in the bedroom - he didn't throw it but kind of chucked in on the bed and looked pissed off - took his pillow to go and sleep in the other room..

I feel very guilty and it was very careless of me... but maybe everything happens for a reason...

Ah well I’ll leave it to better people than me, OP. I do understand that everyone’s relationship is different and we can’t judge from the outside, but if you’re therapist thinks your relationship is abusive and you are actively asking for advice on soothing your abuser and keeping your relationship with him, I’m not able to help. I’ve been through too much (including having my eyes opened wide by that book) to offer you help to stay in your relationship. But I do wish you well.

@Wolfiefanyes I can but to be honest things have been good for a while

Abusers don’t abuse 24/7 though. The only amount of abuse that’s acceptable is none.

Yes maybe you're right.. maybe it will give him
something to think about. Thankyou x

I dunno, if my DHs therapist thought I might be abusing him I’d feel pretty guilty, probably mortified in fact and I’d try to understand what I was doing that may be abusive or coming across like that.

but you are blaming yourself and he’s annoyed at you. So I’d say your therapist is probably onto something

Thankyou everyone xx

Tbh op everything you're writing says that you are maybe more afraid of him leaving and being alone than dealing with the fact his behaviour is abusive.

If a good man who was not abusive found that book he'd just be like oh she's reading a book, if he was worried he'd sit down and talk calmly to you about it. He wouldn't take a strop like a toddler and try to control your reading habits by guilting you with the silent treatment.

Ok, well he has clearly let you know he is not happy. I find his response odd - don't you? Surely if he did not know how it related to him, he would just ask you about it?

The fact he has not said anything, just walked out is really strange. He could just be blindsided. But therapists dont usually recommend random books. They clearly think your relationship is concerning.

Thankyou @Lavender14this is a good insight to read 🙏

Also op have you looked at the cycle of violence diagram? It might help you visualise why things can be good for a while and aren't always bad. It doesn't need to involve physical abuse it can be purely emotional and cycles can take years to go around. But the longer you're together they usually do gradually speed up. Might be worth a look to see if anything fits but if this is his type maybe use incognito browsing so it's not in your search history. You shouldn't need to be careful with your belongings around your partner.

Thankyou @Lavender14ill take a look... it's all very confusing xx

Often gaslighting will make you feel really confused. Most of the time you're so busy trying to keep all the plates spinning and try to meet the ever changing goals and keep him happy (which is impossible) you're using so much mental space to do it that it makes it really hard to step back and see it for what it is. And in the meantime you're working extra hard doing the work of two people to keep one person happy and their needs met while your own need to be emotionally safe and to feel respected in your relationship isn't being met. Which is why men like this don't change, it serves them well to act in this way because they get you running after them and they don't need to run after you. It's profoundly selfish because they know they are doing it. So feeling confused is totally natural and I'd guess that counselling is the safe space where he can't infiltrate where you're able to unpick that a bit which is why your therapist is recommending you this particular book and why he sees it as a threat. Its very likely he'll try to undermine your therapy now.

Wouldn’t it be more productive to have a conversation about why your therapist felt the need to recommend that book?

I read that book - out of interest rather than anything else. It never occurred to me to hide it from my DH because he doesn’t police what I read. If your DH is policing your reading to the extent you are fearful at him finding this book then that suggests this isn’t a safe relationship for you.

Because he's thrown the book on the bed, taken himself off to sleep alone in a huff.

Op can be the most rational, tactful, communicative person in the whole world but if he's not prepared to meet her halfway on that then she can't have that conversation. This is why mediation is never recommended with abusers because they never come to the table ready to have a genuine conversation and one partner cannot do that on both people's behalf.

Why do you feel guilty? This man is enough of a horrible cunt that your therapist recommended you read it.

He should be apologising to you for being such an awful and abusive person. Instead you’re falling all over yourself trying to apologise. Apologise for what?!! Seeing who he really is finally?

But him finding that book is so damaging for our relationship

No, love.

You needing a therapist because of your relationship.

Your therapist recommending you read a book to help you SEE his behaviour.

Him going through your bag.

Him stalking off to give you the silent treatment instead of having a respectful conversation.

THOSE are what are so damaging for your relationship.

What I meant was that instead of messaging to minimise it (ie saying it’s just stupid book), messaging something like “it’s a book I’ve been reading and we need to talk about it”.

I understand why OP reacted the way she did though, we’ve all been there unfortunately.

Read this @Needingadvice05

Um, a decent guy finding his partner reading a book about abuse would likely be mortified. Immediately second-guessing himself about whether his own behaviour had crossed a line or not, or perhaps if it was for a friend they knew.

You don't have anything to answer for here. And if he gets aggressive about it then it isn't the book that's the problem.

Keep watching his reaction.

Yes I have it too as well as Jane Monckton Smith's book.

I hope the op continues to read it and think about it in relation to her partner's behaviour. The author also has some good interviews on Spotify.

Thankyou @myopinionisHe just said in text that he's reading about what that book is about and said there is no need for me to say anything 'the situation is crystal clear' and he's not replying to my other messages

🙁That doesn't sound great.

I mean, it's not aggressive, but the fact is the situation is not clear at this point and he should be trying to figure out the meaning of it. Ask yourself why he would say the opposite of that.

The obvious reason for saying 'the situation is crystal clear' is trying to guilt you into apologising for something. You have done nothing wrong, and the situation is not crystal clear, so why is he saying it is?

X1000
When are you getting out?