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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is unrecognisable

403 replies

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 19:26

My DH and I have always been different politically. We've managed it- it's fine to have different views. I'm left, he's Tory.

Or, he was. We have two nearly grown kids, 17 and 18. He's recently been spending more time in the back room watching stuff that i've pointed out is insane. You tube, Brit news or whatever that bilge is, I don't know where it came from. He's justifying his views by citing sexual assaults on white girls. He's basically transmogrified into a fucking idiot and I can't believe it.

We used to differ on economics, sure, but now suddenly he's a 53 year old fascist? I can't talk to him. His arguments turn me around. He's been radicalised- I recognise it from experiences in my profession. He says he's going to the march on Saturday. I've told him i'll go on the opposing one.

There's no way forward as far as I can see. As far as I knew he was still a loving family man but now I just see a big arsehole. He just circles around the phrases when I tried to talk to him.

I would just stand my ground and argue back- he's been a good husband and father till now, hitting mid 50s. But i'm in a job where if he goes and protests on Saturday and gets arrested, I will be compromised, asI work with children.

I need to distance myself. I'd really like to know i'm not alone I was hoping it was a bit of a mid life crisis, but I think he's just become a toral cock.

Wtaf am I meant to do. I'd rather he ran off with a younger woman tbh. I feel ashamed of him!

OP posts:
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8
genesis92 · 02/09/2025 19:30

What does he believe that makes him a “fascist”?

CurlyCabbage · 02/09/2025 19:33

Im so sorry youre going through this. I think theres a lot of people out there who maybe in a similar position with everything thats been going on recently.

Very upsetting that its come to this but you do have to consider you’re own future really as seldom do the radicalised change their thinking.

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 19:38

I don't want to get into the ins and outs of immigration. I also believe that immigration control is right and necessary.

However, he is watching videos of the situation in Palestine on right wing you tubes. He's got it into his head that a tidal wave of immigration is heading our way. We are very rural. He's convinced the new houses in our village are for immigrants. They clearly are not. They are for rich people who want to live rurally (another issue entirely!). And he'll march in September with Tommy Robinson. If nothing else, I've become disappointed in his intelligence.

I am not knee jerk reacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 19:40

CurlyCabbage · 02/09/2025 19:33

Im so sorry youre going through this. I think theres a lot of people out there who maybe in a similar position with everything thats been going on recently.

Very upsetting that its come to this but you do have to consider you’re own future really as seldom do the radicalised change their thinking.

I know you are right. I think i'm mourning the loss of his actual critical thinking! When we got together we debated, argued, disagreed and agreed. But this is different . He's an arsehole all of a sudden!

OP posts:
genesis92 · 02/09/2025 19:49

The marching with Tommy Robinson is quite extreme I guess. But realistically, the country has gone downhill rapidly the last decade. So, it makes sense someone who was already right wing has gone further down this route.

Are people only intelligent if they’re on the same side of politics as you then? Comments like that are part of the problem, and it just makes everything worse for the left. It’s why you’re losing.

Saying all that, I’m not trying to be goady because if my husband suddenly turned into an open borders socialist, I don’t know how I could cope with that either.

Bathingforest · 02/09/2025 19:55

Seems many men see things for what they are but women, especially on mumsnet do not. Good luck to you all

LittlleMy · 02/09/2025 19:55

Sorry you’re going through this OP 😐.

I can relate as an ex who was wonderful otherwise started to express opinions that I was completely at odds with and most of the critical thinking mainstream would be also. It ended up giving me the ick as I was more than happy for him to challenge me and I was ready to hear the reasoning behind his ideas which just had gaping logical holes in them to me. Except he never would, he’d just laugh it off like it was something I could never understand - think aliens and whatnot 🙄.

He then started implying people couldn’t afford houses any longer due to them spending their money on non essentials - like really simplistic thinking. When I would try to explain eg fact that wage increases were at total odds with house price rises, he’d just get angry like I was deliberately being argumentative. Same as you just no appetite from him to even debate like adults!

Honestly, there was just no satisfying mental stimulation from him in the end and despite otherwise being a nice guy, I just couldn’t see us growing old together with such opposing views so I did end it.

Hopefully, you can get some kind or resolution OP but I do empthasise how frustrating it must be for you more so than me as at least he was just a BF of two years I could easily say bye to.

9ctbull · 02/09/2025 19:59

fascist? That's a bit extreme on your part.

I have my own political views ,I don't discuss politics with partners ,there is more in life if you ask me

MummytoE · 02/09/2025 20:03

I really think If I were in your position I would be seriously considering ending the relationship. Are the children showing any kind of political leanings?

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:04

Thanks for support. I'm not dismissing him as dim- he's run a budiness for years ans was always good intelligent company. My whole point is that he's now not- he's sat in the back room on youtube. Because I questioned the march going because of my profession tonight ( I agree with peaceful protest), he's shut the door and got the blankets out, obviously sleeping there tonight.

It's weird, and it feels really sad and a bit angry. I just don't recognise him as the man I married.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 02/09/2025 20:05

Try to ignore him. I understand that it is hard, my friend has left her DH, his warped politics with conspiracy theories.
My Dsis DH is a big Trump fan and racist, she hates him, they're financially entwined. She can't buy him out, he won't leave, their son inlaw is from Malawi.
We all avoid him.

wanttokickoffbutcant · 02/09/2025 20:05

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 19:26

My DH and I have always been different politically. We've managed it- it's fine to have different views. I'm left, he's Tory.

Or, he was. We have two nearly grown kids, 17 and 18. He's recently been spending more time in the back room watching stuff that i've pointed out is insane. You tube, Brit news or whatever that bilge is, I don't know where it came from. He's justifying his views by citing sexual assaults on white girls. He's basically transmogrified into a fucking idiot and I can't believe it.

We used to differ on economics, sure, but now suddenly he's a 53 year old fascist? I can't talk to him. His arguments turn me around. He's been radicalised- I recognise it from experiences in my profession. He says he's going to the march on Saturday. I've told him i'll go on the opposing one.

There's no way forward as far as I can see. As far as I knew he was still a loving family man but now I just see a big arsehole. He just circles around the phrases when I tried to talk to him.

I would just stand my ground and argue back- he's been a good husband and father till now, hitting mid 50s. But i'm in a job where if he goes and protests on Saturday and gets arrested, I will be compromised, asI work with children.

I need to distance myself. I'd really like to know i'm not alone I was hoping it was a bit of a mid life crisis, but I think he's just become a toral cock.

Wtaf am I meant to do. I'd rather he ran off with a younger woman tbh. I feel ashamed of him!

I understand OP. I have just refused to discuss politics with DH anymore as we are so opposed. He is also planning to go to the march. He has a senior job and if he gets in trouble or arrested he will be sacked and I will leave him.

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:08

And no, the kids think he's daft. One does have views on immigration but not extreme, the other is a bit embarrassed really! Thankfully they are old enough to think for themselves.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 02/09/2025 20:09

Is this a new version of midlife crisis perhaps? Can't afford a Ferrari will become racist instead...

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:11

wanttokickoffbutcant · 02/09/2025 20:05

I understand OP. I have just refused to discuss politics with DH anymore as we are so opposed. He is also planning to go to the march. He has a senior job and if he gets in trouble or arrested he will be sacked and I will leave him.

Show quote history

Oh thank god its not just me. I have also said if he goes and gets arrested I will go- it's a risk to my career and he knows that. If anyone in my family is linked to any threat I have to declare it. His insistence on going just makes me think ge's not the person I married.

OP posts:
VioletandDill · 02/09/2025 20:13

I couldn't stay married to a delusional thug, no. And that's what those people standing outside hotels intimidating innocent people are. If he's anything like that ilk I'm afraid I'd just assume you had similar views and judge you harshly. 🤷🏼

VioletandDill · 02/09/2025 20:15

To be honest there's probably some of my family who'd join in but I'm lucky in that I don't have to to see them much, so can ignore it. It must be so hard when it's in your own house and I'm sorry.
Please, please don't stand for it.

BreadstickBurglar · 02/09/2025 20:16

How weird for you to witness him changing so much. What’s going on in his life to make him want to go down this path do you think?

Amazing how none of these men supposedly worried about sexual assaults are a) usually willing to call out sexist behaviour from their own friends b) queuing up to run the local half marathon in aid of Rape Crisis or similar.

Thundertoast · 02/09/2025 20:17

genesis92 · 02/09/2025 19:49

The marching with Tommy Robinson is quite extreme I guess. But realistically, the country has gone downhill rapidly the last decade. So, it makes sense someone who was already right wing has gone further down this route.

Are people only intelligent if they’re on the same side of politics as you then? Comments like that are part of the problem, and it just makes everything worse for the left. It’s why you’re losing.

Saying all that, I’m not trying to be goady because if my husband suddenly turned into an open borders socialist, I don’t know how I could cope with that either.

I suppose another way of looking at it is, surely there are groups that oppose the current state of immigration who do not associate themselves with Tommy Robinson and the behaviour encouraged in that setting, so why doesn't he align himself with those instead sort of thing.
Almost like... he's got two options, get on a big coach full of people who say some things he agrees with, but a lot of the people on the coach shout abuse at innocent people in the street. Or get on a slightly quieter coach with people who say some things he agrees with, but understand that it's not individual people on the streets fault and wouldn't dream of giving them a hard time.
I guess how people may feel is: if he has certain views on immigration he is entitled to them, but why get on the coach that he knows has people on it that might harass someone in the street, when there are other coaches available? If that makes sense?

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:18

That's the thing though- that wasn't what I married 20 years ago. He's changed, really quickly, over 4 months. I am not like that- I don't hold views like that.

But I genuinely think he's either going through a mid life crisis, been radicalised, or has had a weird breakdown. We have friends of many nationalities, some are immigrants, he was not an arsehole before, just Conservative. I'd never have been with him otherwise.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 02/09/2025 20:19

So many of us have loved ones who have been radicalised by various parts of the Internet. You can leave a husband, but what about when it’s your child… it’s fucking horrendous. I think the evidence tells us critical thinking skills is what it’s all about, there’s loads of courses you can take of varying lengths, from as little as an hour , it can help to gently introduce the principles of evaluating information. I think it’s a skill worth honing. If he is watching shit on GB news and believing it, that’s already a massive critical thinking fail, many people are clever and educated and yet still don’t understand something as basic as that. On another note, I think we should have critical thinking taught as a core subject from primary school all the way through to year 11.

BreadstickBurglar · 02/09/2025 20:21

I don’t think it’s that people don’t know how to think. I think some of us want someone to hate and blame.

SimoneHere · 02/09/2025 20:23

I get it OP. You married a man who could think for himself, and he’s headed down a completely different path.

I’m from a family and circle of friends who have a huge interest, personally and professionally, in politics. We have pretty much the full spectrum of political beliefs represented, and have the most amazing and fruitful discussions, but that’s because the common ground is intelligent debate.

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:25

I think critical thinking is the problem. I went to uni, have a professional job. He left school before exams but built businesses, did very well, is adept at that. But no ability to critically think. Plus, i'm menopausal, we are both mid life, things are a struggle right now. Both have good jobs but no money. It feeds his narrative.

He's on the sofa tonight. His choice- he genuinely fewls he is right and I don't "get it".

It's really hard. He was lovely just a short while ago.

OP posts:
Volpini · 02/09/2025 20:29

This happened to an ex friend during COVID.
they had a huge family crisis and they had already run into some difficulty in the marriage before the family crisis but COViD happened immediately after and their partner went on the slippery slope of conspiracy theory.
To be fair, the friend completely lost it themselves but pressure of their situation combined with partner’s conspiracy and dodgy political beliefs put the nail in their marriage and the whole thing exploded badly.
I tried to support but they were both massively unreasonable in the end so I have as much to do as possible with both of them now.
My sincere sympathies to you.