Husband is unrecognisable

[phlebasconsidered]

My DH and I have always been different politically. We've managed it- it's fine to have different views. I'm left, he's Tory.

Or, he was. We have two nearly grown kids, 17 and 18. He's recently been spending more time in the back room watching stuff that i've pointed out is insane. You tube, Brit news or whatever that bilge is, I don't know where it came from. He's justifying his views by citing sexual assaults on white girls. He's basically transmogrified into a fucking idiot and I can't believe it.

We used to differ on economics, sure, but now suddenly he's a 53 year old fascist? I can't talk to him. His arguments turn me around. He's been radicalised- I recognise it from experiences in my profession. He says he's going to the march on Saturday. I've told him i'll go on the opposing one.

There's no way forward as far as I can see. As far as I knew he was still a loving family man but now I just see a big arsehole. He just circles around the phrases when I tried to talk to him.

I would just stand my ground and argue back- he's been a good husband and father till now, hitting mid 50s. But i'm in a job where if he goes and protests on Saturday and gets arrested, I will be compromised, asI work with children.

I need to distance myself. I'd really like to know i'm not alone I was hoping it was a bit of a mid life crisis, but I think he's just become a toral cock.

Wtaf am I meant to do. I'd rather he ran off with a younger woman tbh. I feel ashamed of him!

Men are being radicalised online. Deliberately. Read this Prominent UK women tell rightwingers: stop linking immigration to sexual abuse | Immigration and asylum | The Guardian https://share.google/ch8ae1i0TMa8iilAv

We have recently fallen out with DH's brother. They have always been close but brother married a jewish girl and it went downhill from there. My Mil is jewish but not religious at all and she's very critical of Israël. She has friends who are Muslims and is very tolerant and kind. Brother now says all Muslims are criminals and that media keeps covering up when it's an arab that has comitted a crime.

Thing is brother is extremely intelligent: several degrees, travels all over the world, speaks 3 languages fluently, CEO of big business. We just don't know who he is any more. He's definitely been radicalised by his new wife and the brothers have fallen out over this because my DH can't stand any racist bs.

And why would going on a right wing march protect his daughters?

I would have to leave him! I couldn’t listen to that everyday I just couldn’t!

I've seen a lot of Americans have similar experiences with their relatives. Previously decent and intelligent people suddenly becoming illogical, frightened, and threatening. Those far-right people manipulating them are very effectiveat creating and manipulationg fear and ultimately hatred of the 'other', whether it's immigrants, women, LGBT people, and often all of those. It seems to happen astonishingly quickly in some cases, it's almost unbelievable for their families and friends. And it tends to be catching; once affected, they can't tolerate anyone around them who doesn't conform to their demands. You need to be careful about the kids.
I'm afraid it is usually a one-way street, so I'd be preparing myself for the possibility I needed to move out. I'm so sorry.

There's some clumsy wording there, but the OP has been married to the man for 20 years, and is surely best placed to tell you if he has any critical thinking skills, if he ever reads up on topics or researches or has the ability to fact check something and assess a source for its credibility or bias.
I dont think OP was claiming that everyone without higher education can't critically think in the slightest, she's assessing her own husband and saying he's not gone down an avenue that would give him those skills at any point, and hasn't learnt them through another route or organically like other people who haven't gone through higher education may do.
OP if you were being elitist and I have read you wrong. Feel free to correct me! 😬

@Devonshiregalplease, enlighten me. What is 'happening to the UK right now'?

If you're unaware that the far right are whipping people into a frenzy, all based on fallacy, then more fool you.

So you think we the UK shouldn’t have borders and throw open our country to the world’s migrants??

Really …. do you have daughters?

I have a friend who I previously thought was intelligent, who is now extremely right wing. I can’t be around her- her views are offensive.

In your position, OP, I don’t think I could make it work; all respect would’ve gone 😔.

It is possibly to be educated and still be foolish enough to fall for conspiracy theories. Conan Doyle, of Sherlock Holmes fame, actually was conned by one of the most obvious fake stories about fairies I have ever seen. I think in his case that's because he wanted to believe it.

@phlebasconsidered It is so easy with social media to be in an echo chamber where beliefs are confirmed over and over.
It takes curiosity to explore opposing views. Curiosity can lead to enlightenment which may mean:

• I was right all along
• I was completely led up the garden path
• Somewhere in between

Sending you strength and courage to find your truth and limits in this difficult time.

Yes,it's that one.
I am anxious that he doesn't get arrested.

I have a 5am start, so i'm off to bed but I do feel supported, although not happy, that other women have husbands who are also going the same way . I'm not surprised by some of the comments supporting his views either. I guess there must be women with the same views, possibly with worried partners themselves. I guess I'll just sleep and think.on what to do

Ffs.

Can I join you . My DH seems to be coming out of it but he's had a very questionable couple of years and I think the drugs he was taking for prostate issues made it worse. Hours on YouTube watching shit led to some monumental rows after a couple of totally unacceptable comments I said he had to choose between toning down and breaking up. We went to see John Bishop and his monologue on the male manopause was really insightful. We'll never align completely politically but he seems to moved on from the scary radicalized stuff as he's aged a bit more. My DH was absolutely amazing when was I was a weepy anxiety ridden sweaty menopausal monster and he deserves the same treatment

That’s a rather ridiculous straw man. Clearly not what she said.

I sympathise seems to be affecting more people than I realised

Someone recently commented on the fact a massive group had taken over and a load of England flags been put up.....I said something along the lines of "yeah nobody needs that shit happening" and her response was "well you can't blame them for wanting to protect women and children..." 🤦🏼‍♀️

Had to seriously bite my tongue instead of pointing out just how many of these "patriots " have criminal records for assault, domestic violence and sexual offences... 🙄🤨 But yes....all about protecting women..and children.

Surprised at the person saying just don’t discuss. Weird . The no 1 thing I find attractive in my DO is how intelligent he is, how sharp and questioning. When we discussed capital punishment and I advocated for bringing it in for child molesters he made an eloquent argument for why not and I was struck by how clever and empathic and better than me he was. If he turned into a facist lugite it would be an instant turn off

Tommy Robinson? A man so vile and untrustworthy he can’t even be straight about his own name? Gross beyond words.

I'm so sorry OP. This has happened to a relative as well, and it's impossible - as you can see from some of the replies here, people wouldn't know extremist radicalisation tactics if they slapped them in the face. It's scary.

I have no idea what to suggest except telling him that unradicalised people do not march with a dickhead like Tommy Robinson and you are on the verge of losing respect for him.

I totally understand you OP. I have a parent that has done the same. My parent is very intelligent, more intelligent than I am, but they have also got on to YouTube and it radicalises people. I blame YouTube entirely, it’s poison. They came to stay with us recently and got YouTube up on our TV so I could see all the next suggested videos and it was the most alarmist, rage bait stuff. I don’t blame them, humans are not designed to resist these algorithms that are designed to hook us in through anger and fear.

As it’s my parent, I can just ignore/change topic, but it’s still damaged our relationship. I don’t know what I would do if this happened to my husband as it would give me the ick as well.

What I do try to do with parent is find common ground, ask curious questions, try to verify/research together. I also constantly send them links to BBC/the Economist articles in an attempt to fix their algorithm to fact based news. For me it’s not about left or right wing it’s just about FACTS. As long as their views aren’t based on crazy lies and misinformation I am happy even if they are the opposite to mine. Eg perfectly fine to not care too much about the planet and want to make short term gains on oil and gas at the expense of long term economic prosperity through renewable energy development - as long as we can both agree on basic climate science and that it’s not a conspiracy! I tell them repeatedly that if news is too exciting it’s probably exaggerated. They have come around slightly, eg said some critical things about Trump recently which was a relief to hear!

If anything with my parent and your husband, it’s actually a YouTube addiction more than a personality transplant. I would say to DH maybe an ultimatum - block YouTube from your content and stop watching fox and GB news. Say he is free to read right wing news that is FACTUAL, hell, even offer to buy him a spectator subscription! Just do everything you can to get him back to actual journalism and publications that at least attempt to be factual and away from YouTube which just suggests more and more extreme content like this.

If you don’t want to be so direct, you could ask if he would join you on a tech hiatus - cellphones in locked drawer for everyone as soon as you come home from work. Swap your phones for brick phones - just anything to reduce the content he is consuming online. It will help.

It's not elitist to suggest that people with higher education have been taught critical thinking.

That's literally the point of it. It's why we encourage everyone who can to go.

It's actually populist to suggest that it's elitist. University is (broadly) available to all classes.

That just read as the typical 'everyone who doesn't share my views is a fascist' 😆 absolute drivel.

To keep an eye on the folk with a string of convictions for violence, presumably.

@Devonshiregal what you're arguing can be summed up by the paradox of tolerance.
The issue isn't that the OP and her husband has different views and that she's denigrating him unfairly. The issue is that the views her husband holds shows and underlying change of values. He wants to support someone known to be violent (Yaxley Lennon). He wants to march with people and show support to people who think it humans are inferior by virtue of where they were born. He wants to support people who are openly attacking others based on the colour of their skin.

To be a good person you have to be intolerant of others being bad people. Showing support for people who are very well known for violence against women, and against minorities, makes you a bad person. I don't care if anyone disagrees with that, you can follow your logic loops all you want, but you only have to look at the convictions of many of the leaders of the BNP, NF, many reform candidates, those who have been arrested in the Southport riots etc, to know that they're not acting in good faith and no one who claims to care about other people should be marching with them

Op I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you watched any of the things he has been watching or listened to his arguments or perspectives? Your reaction seems very extreme - that you will leave him over his views without even trying to understand them? You are taking a moral high ground with him and saying he is unable to think critically and yet your analysis of what’s going on for him is pretty basic and not very nuanced. Perhaps you should explore your own reaction to him first and then try to open your mind to hear his perspective.