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Original poster

Husband is unrecognisable

403 replies

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 19:26

My DH and I have always been different politically. We've managed it- it's fine to have different views. I'm left, he's Tory.

Or, he was. We have two nearly grown kids, 17 and 18. He's recently been spending more time in the back room watching stuff that i've pointed out is insane. You tube, Brit news or whatever that bilge is, I don't know where it came from. He's justifying his views by citing sexual assaults on white girls. He's basically transmogrified into a fucking idiot and I can't believe it.

We used to differ on economics, sure, but now suddenly he's a 53 year old fascist? I can't talk to him. His arguments turn me around. He's been radicalised- I recognise it from experiences in my profession. He says he's going to the march on Saturday. I've told him i'll go on the opposing one.

There's no way forward as far as I can see. As far as I knew he was still a loving family man but now I just see a big arsehole. He just circles around the phrases when I tried to talk to him.

I would just stand my ground and argue back- he's been a good husband and father till now, hitting mid 50s. But i'm in a job where if he goes and protests on Saturday and gets arrested, I will be compromised, asI work with children.

I need to distance myself. I'd really like to know i'm not alone I was hoping it was a bit of a mid life crisis, but I think he's just become a toral cock.

Wtaf am I meant to do. I'd rather he ran off with a younger woman tbh. I feel ashamed of him!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/09/2025 20:30

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:18

That's the thing though- that wasn't what I married 20 years ago. He's changed, really quickly, over 4 months. I am not like that- I don't hold views like that.

But I genuinely think he's either going through a mid life crisis, been radicalised, or has had a weird breakdown. We have friends of many nationalities, some are immigrants, he was not an arsehole before, just Conservative. I'd never have been with him otherwise.

he was not an arsehole before, just Conservative

Since you have capitalised the C, I'm assuming you are referring to the Conservative Party.

Have a look at what they've become lately. Your DH's behaviour is perfectly in keeping with Tory rhetoric.

Lovelynames123 · 02/09/2025 20:31

Xh is very far right currently, unfortunately he's not intelligent enough to ever think critically and just believes everything he sees on fb. I'm glad we're no longer together but I've been talking to our dc, young teens, about current affairs and making their own minds up about things. It's worrying how many people, men in particular, are going down this route

MincePiesAndStilton · 02/09/2025 20:32

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:11

Oh thank god its not just me. I have also said if he goes and gets arrested I will go- it's a risk to my career and he knows that. If anyone in my family is linked to any threat I have to declare it. His insistence on going just makes me think ge's not the person I married.

Show quote history

I also have the same problem OP. Mine has gone from a remain voting, sensible chap to a Farage worshiping lunatic. I find it all utterly confusing and find the best approach is very calmly to keep saying “And why do you believe that? Please show me the statistic that back that up?” At which point, his argument fails.

MissyB1 · 02/09/2025 20:33

I’m really sorry this is happening to you OP. I think you may have to separate, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change.

Candlesandmatches · 02/09/2025 20:36

Um that’s quite a snobby view that because he didn’t go to uni and doesn’t have a professional jobs he can’t critically think.
You don’t agree with his views. They may indeed be unacceptable. But part of the reason the UK is in this situation is the superiority complex of many of the 'educated' ppl in the Uk - in politics and in professions. Compared to what this group consider the ignorant. Some are being manipulated. Many are just responding to what they see around them. I left the UK in 2011. There has been a significant downturn in the country since then. I see it every time I visit. And I can totally understand why ppl are horrified about the illegal migrant arrival/asylum seekers in hotels. It’s a crazy situation.
Where I live if you arrive and seek asylum and are found to be a refugee and then have the legal right to work you have to pay back the money you owe to the state when it supported you. Makes total sense to me. Plus ppl are house in specifically designed centers not hotels which is frankly a crazy idea. Very expensive and a massive drain on the tax payer.

Hdpr · 02/09/2025 20:36

I’m left and so is my husband and if this happened I think I’d have to leave. I don’t think I could put up
with such racist right wing views. And what has happened to his critical thinking and proper evidence gathering? Sorry you’re faced with this

regista · 02/09/2025 20:36

OP I wish there were a support group. I am in a similar position- he is not joining any marches or standing outside Asylum hotels as yet but v. much a believer that Tommy Robinson is a martyr along with many other opinions that are strongly held and in my opinion based on an internet echo chamber. Likes to 'prove' things to me, if I offer a questioning viewpoint gets very cross and says I am arguing.

Like you there is common ground. For example, I also believe that we need to navigate a solution to unlawful immigration but I wouldn't put it in the terms he does. I find the conversations really difficult, so depressing, this stuff seems to capture his entire interest and it can be a complete joy sucker. And I wonder what to do, he's ill with cancer, we've been together for a long time and have a near adult son. I do not want to tear our family apart so I remain wondering what to do about it.

Solidarity to you.

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:39

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/09/2025 20:30

he was not an arsehole before, just Conservative

Since you have capitalised the C, I'm assuming you are referring to the Conservative Party.

Have a look at what they've become lately. Your DH's behaviour is perfectly in keeping with Tory rhetoric.

Show quote history

Yes, I am aware of that. However, prior to this, he and many of our friends, of all political persuasion, were able to talk reasonably. Although I am naturally left leaning, i'm still able to talk to friends who are Conservative about their reasons. Mostly I find it's financial although I appreciate rhetoric has changed recently but that is to "catch" the people like my dh who have vanished to the far right, I think.

I suppose I just can't see how he's slid this far.
I get why he would be cross at our being financially squeezed- I am too. But not all the other bollocks.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 02/09/2025 20:40

Do you know if he is financially supporting them through donations?

OhNoNotSusan · 02/09/2025 20:42

have you explained your job situation if he marches?

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:43

Candlesandmatches · 02/09/2025 20:36

Um that’s quite a snobby view that because he didn’t go to uni and doesn’t have a professional jobs he can’t critically think.
You don’t agree with his views. They may indeed be unacceptable. But part of the reason the UK is in this situation is the superiority complex of many of the 'educated' ppl in the Uk - in politics and in professions. Compared to what this group consider the ignorant. Some are being manipulated. Many are just responding to what they see around them. I left the UK in 2011. There has been a significant downturn in the country since then. I see it every time I visit. And I can totally understand why ppl are horrified about the illegal migrant arrival/asylum seekers in hotels. It’s a crazy situation.
Where I live if you arrive and seek asylum and are found to be a refugee and then have the legal right to work you have to pay back the money you owe to the state when it supported you. Makes total sense to me. Plus ppl are house in specifically designed centers not hotels which is frankly a crazy idea. Very expensive and a massive drain on the tax payer.

I didnt denigrate him. He's built businesses and done well, but he does not have the same ability to critically think as someone who finished school and got further education would. That's not me being mean. He just doesn't read or research because he was not taught the necessity. Left before gcse, badly dyslexic. Like I said, he's built businesses and is great that wy, but no way is he a critical thinker outside of business needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:45

OhNoNotSusan · 02/09/2025 20:42

have you explained your job situation if he marches?

Yes, and he just said it's a peaceful protest, nothing will happen. But of course it will. It's selfish.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/09/2025 20:45

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:04

Thanks for support. I'm not dismissing him as dim- he's run a budiness for years ans was always good intelligent company. My whole point is that he's now not- he's sat in the back room on youtube. Because I questioned the march going because of my profession tonight ( I agree with peaceful protest), he's shut the door and got the blankets out, obviously sleeping there tonight.

It's weird, and it feels really sad and a bit angry. I just don't recognise him as the man I married.

I'd see that as a clear statement that he has decided you are surplus to requirements.

Devonshiregal · 02/09/2025 20:47

But you don’t ‘get it’. You’ve called him a fascist. You’ve said he has no critical thinking. I don’t think he knows what he is fighting against, but I don’t think you know what you’re fighting for either.

There are real issues with the uk right now and unfortunately no one has listened - they’ve accused anyone with concerns of being racist to shut them up.

This is never the way to achieve peace and only drives people further into their corners.

Plenty of women have been accused of being bigots for raising concerns about trans rights, for example, and it’s caused a huge issue. If people had just openly listened there wouldn’t be such a divide.

You say your husband has been radicalised by what he has seen on YouTube - and reference him attending this March to prove it. But then you say you’ll attend the opposing march - why? Because you’ve been influenced by what you see in the media. And why would you protect a man from a migrant hotel but talk down your own husband? When was the last time you hung out with someone who lives in a migrant hotel for example? Do you have any more facts than he does?

And for the record im not on either “side”. Im certainly not a Tommy Robinson fan. I but have you heard him out? He is your husband, you should do that. And if you still feel he is actually radicalised you should be trying to help and/or leaving for your own protection, not just calling him names.

Devonshiregal · 02/09/2025 20:47

But you don’t ‘get it’. You’ve called him a fascist. You’ve said he has no critical thinking. I don’t think he knows what he is fighting against, but I don’t think you know what you’re fighting for either.

There are real issues with the uk right now and unfortunately no one has listened - they’ve accused anyone with concerns of being racist to shut them up.

This is never the way to achieve peace and only drives people further into their corners.

Plenty of women have been accused of being bigots for raising concerns about trans rights, for example, and it’s caused a huge issue. If people had just openly listened there wouldn’t be such a divide.

You say your husband has been radicalised by what he has seen on YouTube - and reference him attending this March to prove it. But then you say you’ll attend the opposing march - why? Because you’ve been influenced by what you see in the media. And why would you protect a man from there but talk down your own husband? When was the last time you hung out with someone who lives in a migrant hotel for example? Do you have any more facts than he does?

And for the record im not on either “side”. Im certainly not a Tommy Robinson fan. I but have you heard him out? He is your husband, you should do that. And if you still feel he is actually radicalised you should be trying to help and/or leaving for your own protection, not just calling him names.

GAJLY · 02/09/2025 20:47

He has a right to his views.

MightyDandelionEsq · 02/09/2025 20:47

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:43

I didnt denigrate him. He's built businesses and done well, but he does not have the same ability to critically think as someone who finished school and got further education would. That's not me being mean. He just doesn't read or research because he was not taught the necessity. Left before gcse, badly dyslexic. Like I said, he's built businesses and is great that wy, but no way is he a critical thinker outside of business needs.

Show quote history

What a vile elitist opinion.

If hes such a buffoon and you’re so high above him then why did you marry him?

If he’s built businesses I’d argue he’s more intelligent than you from the sounds of it.

Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:47

regista · 02/09/2025 20:36

OP I wish there were a support group. I am in a similar position- he is not joining any marches or standing outside Asylum hotels as yet but v. much a believer that Tommy Robinson is a martyr along with many other opinions that are strongly held and in my opinion based on an internet echo chamber. Likes to 'prove' things to me, if I offer a questioning viewpoint gets very cross and says I am arguing.

Like you there is common ground. For example, I also believe that we need to navigate a solution to unlawful immigration but I wouldn't put it in the terms he does. I find the conversations really difficult, so depressing, this stuff seems to capture his entire interest and it can be a complete joy sucker. And I wonder what to do, he's ill with cancer, we've been together for a long time and have a near adult son. I do not want to tear our family apart so I remain wondering what to do about it.

Solidarity to you.

I feel for you- it feels like i'm talking to a stranger sometimes. It also makes me lonely. My kids are older, it's really just me and him of an evening and I can't be doing with it. It must be doubly horrible for you with a cancer diagnosis as well. X

OP posts:
Original poster
phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:48

MightyDandelionEsq · 02/09/2025 20:47

What a vile elitist opinion.

If hes such a buffoon and you’re so high above him then why did you marry him?

If he’s built businesses I’d argue he’s more intelligent than you from the sounds of it.

Show quote history

I'm not elitist at all. We are both from the same background and have been together for decades. I admire what he has achieved but I am not going to say that he he has critical skills in terms of assessing infomation when he cannot read without great effort. He does well in business because he critically assesses through meetings and numbers. He cannot critically assess politics if he isn't reading views widely and only meeting people who have the same views. I'm not being mean.

OP posts:
MightyDandelionEsq · 02/09/2025 20:48

Devonshiregal · 02/09/2025 20:47

But you don’t ‘get it’. You’ve called him a fascist. You’ve said he has no critical thinking. I don’t think he knows what he is fighting against, but I don’t think you know what you’re fighting for either.

There are real issues with the uk right now and unfortunately no one has listened - they’ve accused anyone with concerns of being racist to shut them up.

This is never the way to achieve peace and only drives people further into their corners.

Plenty of women have been accused of being bigots for raising concerns about trans rights, for example, and it’s caused a huge issue. If people had just openly listened there wouldn’t be such a divide.

You say your husband has been radicalised by what he has seen on YouTube - and reference him attending this March to prove it. But then you say you’ll attend the opposing march - why? Because you’ve been influenced by what you see in the media. And why would you protect a man from a migrant hotel but talk down your own husband? When was the last time you hung out with someone who lives in a migrant hotel for example? Do you have any more facts than he does?

And for the record im not on either “side”. Im certainly not a Tommy Robinson fan. I but have you heard him out? He is your husband, you should do that. And if you still feel he is actually radicalised you should be trying to help and/or leaving for your own protection, not just calling him names.

Edited

Very well said.

Completely agree.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 02/09/2025 20:49

Devonshiregal · 02/09/2025 20:47

But you don’t ‘get it’. You’ve called him a fascist. You’ve said he has no critical thinking. I don’t think he knows what he is fighting against, but I don’t think you know what you’re fighting for either.

There are real issues with the uk right now and unfortunately no one has listened - they’ve accused anyone with concerns of being racist to shut them up.

This is never the way to achieve peace and only drives people further into their corners.

Plenty of women have been accused of being bigots for raising concerns about trans rights, for example, and it’s caused a huge issue. If people had just openly listened there wouldn’t be such a divide.

You say your husband has been radicalised by what he has seen on YouTube - and reference him attending this March to prove it. But then you say you’ll attend the opposing march - why? Because you’ve been influenced by what you see in the media. And why would you protect a man from a migrant hotel but talk down your own husband? When was the last time you hung out with someone who lives in a migrant hotel for example? Do you have any more facts than he does?

And for the record im not on either “side”. Im certainly not a Tommy Robinson fan. I but have you heard him out? He is your husband, you should do that. And if you still feel he is actually radicalised you should be trying to help and/or leaving for your own protection, not just calling him names.

Edited

This,. Perfect example of the left and 'how dare you think that! You're not critically thinking!! You need to agree with us or you're wrong and evil knuckle dragging thugs'....

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/09/2025 20:50

Sorry, @phlebasconsidered, I’m not in England and can’t work out which march you are talking about? I see a far-right one on Saturday 13th September, but am not sure which one applies on Saturday 6th September? (No need to answer if it is too sensitive.)

askmenow · 02/09/2025 20:53

phlebasconsidered · 02/09/2025 20:04

Thanks for support. I'm not dismissing him as dim- he's run a budiness for years ans was always good intelligent company. My whole point is that he's now not- he's sat in the back room on youtube. Because I questioned the march going because of my profession tonight ( I agree with peaceful protest), he's shut the door and got the blankets out, obviously sleeping there tonight.

It's weird, and it feels really sad and a bit angry. I just don't recognise him as the man I married.

Do you have daughters? Perhaps he’s concerned about their futures in the UK.

Sunnyintervalsandshowers · 02/09/2025 20:54

Have you listened to Marianna In Conspiracyland on BBC Sounds? It gives a helpful insight into how this can happen - people becoming radicalised or much more extreme in a short space of time. Sadly it doesn't provide solutions, but perhaps some understanding for you about how rapidly things can change. This sounds awful for you OP and I hope you find a way forward.

Pebbles16 · 02/09/2025 20:55

9ctbull · 02/09/2025 19:59

fascist? That's a bit extreme on your part.

I have my own political views ,I don't discuss politics with partners ,there is more in life if you ask me

@9ctbull How can you not discuss politics with partners? In a serious relationship, you should be able to share political beliefs and - hopefully - come to a consensus that you agree.... or (and I hate this phrase) "agree to disagree".
However, I would seriously struggle to "agree to disagree" on my deeply held beliefs. Such as feminism, equality, -isms, certain geo-political concerns. Luckily we agree on these.