Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

Im going to echo what others have said. What do you want from this post?

Also advise given is being shit all over.

If you think this man is likely to harm you, then he is not safe to be around his kids either. Report him to the police and CAFCASS

You are allowing him to manipulate, control and abuse you. This is YOUR home. You bought it and own it 50/50 he has no right to even ask you to leave your home let alone force you to do it and allowing this to happen is utter madness but I guess we all make our beds. His kids and what he does with them is not your problem nor concern and you are letting him treat you like a doormat.

What are you expecting to change in the week you've been given off work OP?

This must be a wind up surely?

OP sounds like a complete and utter doormat.

Use your keys, unlock the door and peacefully refuse to leave, if your partner tries to physically remove you then you call the police.

You have options, you're just a complete and utter doormat.

OP get rid of him and don't look back. He should WANT you to be in his children's lives. So sorry he's treating you so badly. X

Has he given you reason to suggest he will turn violent? If he has, then you could go to the police and seek their help or contact Women’s Aid who can help you apply for an occupation order which will reiterate that he cannot stop you from being in your own home.
But you cannot assume that he will hit you only on the basis of the abuse you faced from your ex. His parents live there plus he’d be stupid to attack you given his recent family court involvement. You also said you’re doing this out of concern for his kids. With respect, stop that. You are absolutely not responsible for their welfare or happiness, no matter what your partner says.
At the end of the day you have limited options but you need to do something. The option that makes the most sense is to continue living in your home while offering your ex to buy you out or putting it on the market. You can’t afford any other option.

You're physically afraid of this man, he's showed you he's abusive by kicking you out of your house, I would go to the police tell them your afraid of him and maybe get professional lawyer advice. What I would not do is sacrifice my life, money and career for this abusive jerk and potential dangerous man.

@Quackduck

It took you until page 15 before you drip fed previous domestic abuse.

and that was after you had been informed by several of us that you will not get a Council house as you are a owner occupier.

Certainly not for a poster to suggest I risk going through potential DV again if partner reacts to my refusal to leave that is for sure.

I am one person there are hundreds of replies. I am not going to give a minute by minute update of who I have contacted, what charities I have approached, etc etc.

I also want to give MYSELF time to think, to organise things, to see what my options are for myself, that work in my best interests.

Tho you wrote your thread on 31st, you stated in it you had moved out.
Thus how much time do you need to think.

Are you now suggesting you only moved out on Sunday, as it's Tuesday now.

From reading your thread these teenagers have had you in and out of YOUR home like a yoyo.

@Quackduck What sort of GP contact do you have? Being afraid is understandable given your history. If this man is a threat, a gp can be a point of contact. In any case with possible spiralling fear like this, it might be good to see someone?

This whole thing is so bizarre. It gets more bizarre as you update. And I also don’t understand the point of this thread anymore.

You said that £400 and something a month is how much it would cost you to commute per month - and that the course is finished in October. So the money you need to be able to complete your degree is less than £1000. I know you don't have it at the moment, and I know it's scary, but this IS doable. Deep breath. Pragmatic hat on. Focus on the next two months and work anything else out after that. Commuting isn't great from a time and wear and tear on the car point of view, but for 2 months it's achievable, and that's the worst case scenario.

Here's my suggestions:

• Stay over in your own house all of the nights that you possibly can. You don't have to be in a relationship with your ex partner for this. Then you only need to find alternative arrangements Friday through to Sunday, and for Wednesday evenings after work. This IS doable, especially for two months. If you do this, the cost for you to complete your degree will be much less than £1000.
• You wouldn't necessarily need to spend a fortune on eating out all of the time. A loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter in the car, there's quite a few sandwiches and you don't need a fridge. Maybe work has a fridge, kettle and microwave? So you switch to hot meals at work at lunchtime, and maybe keep some cheese and butter in the fridge at work. Make a hot drink in a flask as you are leaving work on Wednesday and Friday evenings. Find a pub, restaurant or coffee shop that is open until 9.30pm on Wednesdays, and hang out there one night a week. Buy the cheapest option, take a book and explain that you're killing time to the staff - they will only mind if you're the only customer in AND they're trying to shut up shop early. Or find a gym or leisure centre, council run ones are likely open until 9pm. Have a work out or swim, a leisurely shower, hang out in the cafe nursing your water bottle for a bit, then in the car if you need to kill a bit more time. Maybe there is a library that is open until 8pm. While it's still light and not cold, go for a decent length of walk in a park while it's still light. You'll find yourself a routine.
• What is the cheapest Air B&B in the area? Stay with them, be a perfect guest, then ask the hosts in person in the morning if you can come to an arrangement with them for regular nights there. Many are happy to take it off the Air B&B platform for a discount for regulars, as they end up Quids-in, too. Do you have a car big enough to sleep in? Or a tent? It's still warm enough that you could feasibly camp either wild camping or at a campsite for a couple of nights at a weekend, if that is preferable to going to your parents for at least some of the weekends.
• If you aren't "allowed" to live in your house full time, you should stop paying for half of everything. Reduce how much you are paying towards the mortgage and bills pro rata - yes really - and do it generously towards yourself, seeing as this is not your fault. Don't ask him, TELL him what you are doing and that he'll need to make up the shortfall. Whatever bills are in your name, get them changed into his, seeing as he's living there full time and you are not. Call his bluff - he's got far more to lose than you.
• Lots of students will have just left to go to university. Weekend jobs are back on the market. Say you worked as a kitchen porter somewhere on a Saturday and/or a Sunday - that would give you somewhere to be at the weekend, and a small increase in income to put towards weekend accommodation. Remember - this is a 2 month problem, not for forever.
• For the shortfall, which is by now significantly less than £1000 and may be £0 - What is available to you on your credit cards at the moment? What is available to you as a loan from the bank? What smaller amount would be reasonable for you to borrow from your parents? If there's still a shortfall - simply don't pay your contribution towards bills at all to him in the second month. This is HIS mess, and it's reasonable that HE feels the pain of it, not all on you. You can pay him back in installments down the line if you want - you just have to focus on getting your course finished in the next couple of months. If it's to the detriment of him, his pocket, his credit score, his stress levels... Well then oh dear. If only he'd have managed the situation better much earlier.

People also assumed I had zero vulnerabilities and I am simply not eligible.
I have had previous DV.
I have my own mental health issues and several years ago had a breakdown, which lead me to alcoholism and drug induced psychosis, being in weekly therapy for 8 months of my life.
I am the only surviving child of my parents the rest have all committed suicide.
I was a child victim of domestic violence - before people jump on and but you said parents, yes I call step parent my parent! They are my parents.

The only people I should have to disclose any of that to is the council not a public forum. So yes I am a vulnerable person. I do not owe a single person on here my history or should be having to dig up and discuss my past.

I am sorry to hear your difficult history OP but it’s unlikely you will be deemed a priority due to owning a house you can live in. That is the case regardless of your history or the fact that you were a DA victim in a previous relationship. If your current partner has threatened you and you fear abuse you need to apply for a non-molestation order or report to the police as that will then class you as being homeless. Otherwise you will be deemed to have e voluntarily made yourself homeless and will not be eligible for housing.

Do you think your partner is worried about your past getting used against him when it comes to court?
He shouldn't. But he sounds like the type of person who would.

As much time as I need to think and work with my own coping strategies and mechanisms to protect my own mental wellbeing and access my own family support network.

If I took one day off sick from work and called for a meeting on Monday, because I was moving out, that suggests this happened on a Friday.

@Quackduck Partner would NOT let me stay when children are visiting I have already had weeks of having to leave every other weekend, hide all my belongings….
Partner will NOT let me stay in our house when the children are there.
Partner will NOT change that.

He cannot NOT let you do those things, it's your property as well as his! Jesus Christ get a grip of yourself.

If you think he might assault you for simply existing in your own home, that does change the situation.

that does not however mean you should prioritize avoiding a scene for the children. Something mild would actually be in their best interests because of this is a man who will resort to violence, he should not have any custody.

of course, you can’t control his reactions and make sure he doesn’t do something awful, so I am not suggesting you do anything to provoke a reaction. All I am saying is that protecting the children from a scene is not actually protecting them in the long term so there is no point in harming yourself just to avoid even the possibility of a confrontation.

Partner does not know of past DV.
Ex partner is behind bars and has been deemed not fit to release.
It has been years since I have had any other instances with my mental health. I don’t drink anymore, I never touched illicit drugs, I just have strong warnings from the GP that certain drugs prescribed could induce psychosis.

OP already has a joint mortgage and is probably not considered homeless by the council.

Both parties have to agree to sell a house. He won't accept it's over, never mind finalising it.

Forcing a sale is costly and might not be worth it. I knew someone who's ex partner refused for years to buy her out or sell. She was going to force a sale but it was so expensive there's be no money left. She walked away with nothing while he scored for the house and her money.

It might be a struggle to secure a second mortgage to buy somewhere else if he won't sell. We know how much disposable income there is and it's not enough. It's not enough to rent either.

OP doesn't want to return to the house and force partner's hand over telling his children. For whatever reason, this isn't on the table.

Shared ownership would be a smaller mortgage but OP will also have to pay rent and service charges on top of that.

The thread should have been titled:

"Abusive and potentially dangerous partner kicking me out of my home"

Your past circumstances don't entitle you to social housing, you are a home owner, no matter how you try to swing it.

His parents live in your garden. He'd have to be very stupid to think he'd get away with that.