Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

@Quackduck if you are genuinely in fear of this man, you have a responsibility to protect his children by reporting his abuse.

You can also facilitate forcing him to sell by stopping paying for your half of the costs (which you should anyway). I know you have paid for this month, but going forward.

Whether or not you have reason to fear this man, please get legal advice while you are a safe distance away from him.

I think that obtaining a court ordered forced sale of the property would be relatively straight forward considering the DP is refusing access to the property half the week. OP would probably be awarded costs too.

Seek legal advice OP and get the house on the market asap.

If he's given you reason to believe he'll turn violent, that's a huge drip feed and you shouldn't have assisted him in obtaining custody in the first place.

If he hasn't given you reason to believe he'll turn violent, then you're allowing your violent ex to dictate your behaviour and let your current partner walk all over you unnecessarily. If you won't ever stand up for yourself in a relationship 'just in case' then for your own sake you should stay single.

@Quackduck the kids probably know he has a GF. They’re far more observant than anyone thinks.

I know you’ve said it is over from your side but - don’t make it easy for him to push you out of the house: put it up for sale if you’re done with him!

The only people I should have to disclose any of that to is the council not a public forum. So yes I am a vulnerable person. I do not owe a single person on here my history or should be having to dig up and discuss my past.

OP I'm sorry for your troubles, but I think you possibly only meant to come on here for a rant, and people thought you wanted practical advice and help.

You should of course only disclose what you want to, but don't be surprised if people don't understand your situation when they don't know what it is.

Perhaps MN wasn't the right place to do this? You seem to be unhappy with all of us ☹️

This with bells on.

This is all so odd. Your partner has no respect for you OP. Run for the hills I'd rather be single than put up with this.

Sorry you're faced with this situation.

Good to know you now have a week (at least) off work.
I was wrong to suggest you don't tell your employer.

Do let us know what you decide to do when the week is up.

@Quackduck

Are you a man ?
is that why your partner, whom you referred to once as he and ever since it has been ' partner ' or they / them, doesn't want the children to know about you - as their previous partner is a woman.

This. If it was a hetrosexual relationship I think he would tell his kids.

Ok, OP, so having read your updates I am just trying to understand where you are now and it sounds like some good news and some bad. Its great you are getting support from work, and hopefully that will mean you can finish your qualification.

You say you asked your partner to help with fuel costs incurred by his demands on you and he refused, and that you consider the relationship over. He is willing to make decisions that are costing you money, and does not seem to care. That would be a deal breaker for me, too. I am sorry, this must feel like a sad way to end a relationship which obviously seemed hopeful and viable.

He does not really accept its over. But then again, this is a man who thinks this is the right way to handle things. it is a tricky situation to be sure. But he also sounds incredibly weak. I guess you will have to be really clear with him. And to stop paying the bills and mortgage if you need to in order to force a sale.

In the meantime, could you take out a loan? I know its debt, but it might give you a bit of breathing space to rent somewhere with.

THIS IS COERCIVE CONTROL

You’ve mentioned your partner turning violent a couple of times.

Is this likely? You seem to be suggesting it is.

In which case, end the relationship properly, your ambiguity is causing you problems, and get on with it. This fretful toing and froing is getting you nowhere.

Or, as I still think you should do, refuse to leave and call the police on the ludicrous cunt if and when he does turn violent.

This whole situation is beyond insane.

Listen to yourself

partner will not let me

he they she whoever - doesn’t have legal choice

its your home - you are on the mortgage

you have EVERY right to stay there

stop being a martyr

Violent ex strangled partner because they woke ex partner up as they needed to leave the house and needed violent ex to leave as well.
Violent ex then went on to two further victims with strangulation and ABH.
Violent ex battered me, because they said they no longer wanted to be with me, I asked violent ex for my own money held in their bank account to book a flight home, violent ex battered me and broke my ribs.

I absolutely have the right to be fearful of DV arising from non confrontational situations and it is not your place to tell me how experiencing DV previously makes me feel or that I should never experience a relationship again.

I do empathise but it’s a shame that you’re letting this man ruin your life. You won’t get any housing from the council no matter how traumatic your past unless you have fled DA in your current relationship. You’re so close to completing your degree and you’re letting someone who doesn’t care at all for you take that away from you.
How much equity do you have in your home?

I agree, I would tell him he sorts it out pdq not roll over and acquiesce ffs!
Moving out seems ridiculously dramatic.

OP, don’t give up your studies when you only have a few weeks to go! Do whatever is necessary to complete your course and get qualified.

Then I would leave this man who treats you like a toy he can play with when he wants to, or leave in the cupboard.

I feel very sorry for his children, and he needs to prioritise them. You need to protect yourself by moving on.

I would stop paying any of the bills apart from your share of the mortgage and council tax. Have you spoken to a solicitor?

What does him completely refusing access to your home look like? Does he bolt the doors from the inside so that you can't get in? Does he physically remove you? Whatever he is doing, it is illegal, so you should definitely seek legal advice as soon as possible.

Your partner's refusal to allow you to live in your own home or to help with your expenses for petrol/accommodation which you now have to find money for, due to his unreasonable behaviour, but to still not accept that you have broken up with him, makes him sound delusional and possibly dangerous.

I’m being quite genuine when I say that the kids are probably better off without him. They are teens, yet are being essentially forced after court proceedings to see him to “build a relationship” and only one of them wants to actually have contact at all. It’s a shit show and now he’s also lying to them and making his partner erase any hint of her existence from their shared home.

@Quackduck . This is clearly very difficult for you, and the way your (ex) is behaving is wrong, but you need to take care of yourself now. There is no magic wand to solve this and you need to woman up and protect yourself. Your career should be top priority, so you need to be near work, you own a house so (barring limited circumstances) you have a right to be there. You say your ex won’t let you be there,how should they stop you? If they would get physical please call the police and they can help, or in the moment call them and I bet he would back down. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be a shitty atmosphere, but your ex has left you with no choice- noise cancelling headphones, keep to yourself and get on with it. Put the house on the market, get qualified and head down til then.

I’m sympathetic but OP seems determined that this situation with the house cannot be resolved, and convinced that their history will mean they get offered emergency housing. Unless there is coercion or violence in this current relationship, that just isn’t going to happen, no matter what this history is.

If there is violence or coercion, OP should be reporting to police. If not, legal advice to resolve the issue with their house. But for some reason OP seems not to want to do either of these things. It’s difficult to see what OP is hoping for from this thread.

I agree. I don’t see the point of the thread either. The OP seems to want validation that she’s doing the right thing to protect herself but obviously she isn’t.

That's terrible, but violent ex isn't who you're dealing with now. You haven't said anything to suggest current partner would be violent towards you, so you're letting your 'right to be fearful' stand in the way of your right to remain in your house and finish your studies.

@Quackduck Have you managed to see a GP yet?