Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

This is s hard thread to work through and see the wood for the trees.

The OP is obviously feeling desperate and misunderstood.

I think OP is in an abusive relationship right now and doesn’t realise it.

In addition to financial abuse and coercive control (which is clear to me from circumstances described on thread), the OP seems to be fearful of violence.

This fear of violence may be due to the OP’s history but I wouldn’t be too quick to write off that the current partner has given cause for fear of violence.

OP, a number of people have asked you about what it looks like in practice for your partner to “not let you stay in the house”.

I really think you need to call Women’s Aid.

Hmmm.. do we know this???

The partner is clearly abusive in my view.
No express mention of violence but there is definitely mention of the OP being made to do something she doesn’t want to do and also communicated to her partner. This is in the first post.

@Quackduck

In your OP, you wrote

”partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.”

My question to you is: and then what happened? Immediately after you said this, what happened? What did your partner say? How did they say it?

I cannot fathom why anyone would buy a house with someone who has kids they haven't met, or even know about the relationship.

They co-own!!

You can't register as homeless

YOU CAN'T REGISTER AS HOMELESS. YOU OWN A HOUSE!

You realise you're in an abusive relationship, yes?

Google Claire Throssell to see one outcome of children being forced to have a relationship with a divorced dad that they didn't want.

I am physically not allowed in the vicinity of, or access to the house from 30 minuets before children arrive and I am only allowed to return once the children have left the house.
Previously parter has made me go round the house and hide all my possessions whether that is in a box, in a suitcase, in a cupboard, I have to make it look like I do not live there. Partner then goes round and moves things if it is not hidden enough.

I have previously returned home, and being told I needed to go find a car park or go find somewhere to park up away from the house because the children had not left yet. I had to leave where I was because the car park closed at a certain time, I had 2 minutes before the gates would be shut and my car locked in so had no choice to leave my current location and this was in the PM, by the time I had arrived back children had not left yet so partner told me to do that.

So I am physically not allowed over the threshold of my house or within the vicinity of my house when children are present.

Your partner is behaving very cruelly towards you.

You say your partner "makes you" leave your home and has "made you" hide your possessions. No matter how they "make you" do it, it that is abusive behaviour. It is either physical abuse (using force or threat), or emotional abuse (making you believe that you would be a terrible person and you wouldn't deserve their love if you didn't keep away and hide your stuff), or a mix of both.

Ok so have you sought legal advise yet? What are your next steps?

Your relationship is over. You need to sell the house and get your half of the money. For whatever reason your partner is hiding you and doesn’t care. He’s also a shit dad and it shows by the fact one of his kids doesn’t want anything to do with him. Wonder what trauma he gave to their mum. Listen force him to sell and move on you don’t deserve this.

A house I am not allowed to access one day midweek and weekends…..
So the times I am not there I am either in my car or sleeping on a family member’s sofa.

Sofa surfing even with family means on those days I am homeless, I cannot stay with family permanently. Shelter states that on their website.

Centre point states “Sofa surfing is staying for short periods with different friends or family because you have nowhere to live. Even though you may have a temporary roof over your head when you sofa surf, you are still classed as homeless”

Those days I have nowhere to live, I cannot stay in “my home” I cannot return to my house until partner says so.

I hope you've realised you're in an abusive relationship.

What have you decided to do @Quackduck ? in the short term?

So this thread has totally changed tack. I understand you are now (it sounds like) almost completely banned from your own home, a home you OWN.

You need to change tack too - the issue is you need permanent access to your house and I'd suggest you contact a lawyer as your first point of call to help you with that, filing a court order etc, so you can get back in.

Your solution is not to try to get a council house - that won't happen. You need professional help in getting back into your home - teens or no teens - and then go from there to start forcing a sale.

I assume the parents-in-laws' annexe has been officially separated from your property deeds, the land sold to them and split from your deeds, so that they won't be losing their home too when you and your partner sell up?

Of course, if you are in danger of physical violence the help you need is different - you need to seek advice in forcing a sale without moving back into the property. Plus Women's Aid for a short-term accommodation solution I guess?

You are not homeless, stop choosing to read the bits you want on Shelter's website, YOU OWN 50% of a property

YOU CHOOSE NOT to live in it

The minute your local authority realises the above, they can and will discharge any duty they thought they had towards you, as you are not legally homeless.

The Council will help you find somewhere to live i.e. providing you with a list of letting agents or landlords that have properties to rent.

But you already know how to do that.
and you know what you have to do

you have to force a sale
thus you need to be instructing a solicitor

or move back into your home.
you can also get legal advice and assistance with this
HE if your partner is a man, cannot legally stop you from living in a property which you own 50% of
UNLESS your partner too takes legal advice and assistance and maybe claims you are abusive towards him...

That has nothing to do with the fact that you are a homeowner and choosing not to live in your house.

You're picking out what you want to hear.

You are not homeless.
You cannot be homeless for 2.5 days a week.
You are a homeowner.

You are still a homeowner on the days that you CHOOSE to leave the home that you own.

If he tries to stop you entering your home, call the police.

When you say you're "physically not allowed" do you mean he has physically removed you? Or he's told you not to come in and you've obliged?

You jointly own a property, you are not homeless.

Call the police or be a doormat and completely ruin your life it's your choice.

I'd stop paying anything towards a house your not living in wether you own it or not.

What a mess. I cannot even see how you could get yourself so far into a family (joint mortgage with partner, in-laws living in the annex, etc) without considering the children involved. Sell the house (get a court order if necessary, one owner cannot legally refuse to sell when the other wishes to - I have unfortunately had a good deal of experience of that) and split up. Because it’s not going to get any better for anyone from here. In the meantime, you are not homeless for the purposes of getting a council house, you are being dramatic. Much the same way you are about the complete avoidance of any pronouns, which makes it much harder to give you any pragmatic advice. Most children are unbothered about their dad getting a new girlfriend. The one situation I know of where the dad suddenly got a new secret boyfriend was and still is one of the most fucked up family situations I know of, with petty behaviour all round (but mostly from the dad, who appears to want to ‘win’ every situation,) lies, abuse, thefts, keeping of multiple jaw dropping secrets, calling of police, and so on.

I mean, you're in an abusive relationship OP... Have you tried speaking to a domestic abuse charity for support/advice?

How does your partner stop you getting into the house? Have you ever tried to gain access or have you texted to say you're on your way back and they've texted back to tell you not to go home? You jointly own the house. If your partner physically stops you entering the house or locks you out so you can't gain access, call the police as they can't do that.

I understand you're worried about the dv aspect but that fear means the partner is calling all the shots. Somehow you need to reassert your control, but in a safe way so as not to put yourself at risk.

If I was you, I'd tell partner I'm not moving out for the next visit and if they insist on it, the house goes on the market immediately. Also, partner should pay for alternative accommodation if denying you access to your property. Maybe a solicitor's letter might focus partner on their wrongdoing.

OP have you gone to the council already to tell them of this volunteer faux homelessness because you have a dictator not a partner? I actually hope you have and that they give you some details of a therapist and some legal information. He cannot legally tell you when you can and cannot be on your own property. This is abuse. The fact you think he MAY turn abusive means you have ptsd and need therapy or you do feel he actually is a threat. Either way you need help.