Partner won’t tell the children about me

[Quackduck]

I am looking for advice;
Partner has 2 children from a previous relationship both in their teens.

Access has been granted through court for visiting 1 evening mid week and staying on weekends - this is very new and was not agreed until recently.

Me and partner lived together for ~2 years, until recently as partner doesn’t want to tell the children about me. I moved to be with partner so I dont have a support network near me, no friends, no family, not without a 2-3 hour drive.

As the children will be coming to the house, partner advised, I would have to return to my parents every weekend and find something to do mid week when they come over. I have said this is not an acceptable solution for me and it is completely unfair on me, not to mention the cost of petrol in doing this.

My week would look like being in our house Monday - Tuesday, Wednesday AM & Late PM only, Thursday, Friday AM only, back to my parents every Friday after work, return Sunday PM after the children have been dropped off.

I moved out, now I’m potentially going to lose my job as I simply cannot commute 4 hours a day, I am also weeks from completing a degree but it is funded through work and I cannot get the funding if I am not living within the county.

I asked partner how long they expect me to do this for, they said they don’t know and want to build a relationship back with their children. I asked if it would be weeks, months or years, Partner said they cannot put a time frame on it.

Partner said they do not have any other solutions apart from the suggested one above but I bring a bag of clothes for the week so I can continue my job, yet do not want to break up and know this is not fair on me.

I do not have an issue with my partner seeing the children, or being active in their lives, partner said that it is not fair to be made to choose between me or the children, I said I am not making you choose but I am making the choice to move out.

Am I really being unreasonable?

Is this something you’d expect your new partner to do if you had children?

Does anyone have an alternative solutions to this?

Or do I accept it will not be resolved, lose my job and start over again?

I don’t have children but I thought people on here may have had a similar experience or asked their new partner to do a similar thing.

No OP, you are absolutely not homeless and will not be given housing.

ignore that, i misread, she pays mortgage too.

If you own a home, you do not get social housing. it is that simple

Well given the appalling way he’s treating his co-owning girlfriend and lying to his children about his private life, he probably is at fault here and is a very weak man. Why would a dad having a girlfriend be something that a teenager can’t deal with? It also sounds like he has a history of drug use.

To be honest, I dont think you have much choice than to move back in if you don't want to see all your hard work go to waste, can you? Is it safe to do so? I presume your talking if he's trying to make social arrangments with you. I think you may have jumped the gun by moving out only because of work and your degree, you're so so close to graduating I think I would have sucked it up until October at the very least; and he should be paying for the fuel to your parents if he wants your share of the house all to himself.

Partner will not pay fuel - Partner has already said they will not do this. My parents offered their benefit money to cover this - they should not do this.

To everyone suggesting I cause a scene, refuse to leave, do people really think causing more tension and issues is going to benefit me. Say I do, I cause a scene, refuse to leave, stroll in when teen B is there, I’m here to stay I’m not moving, you’ll have to forcibly remove me from this house. What would the impact on teen B be? Do people think this is really a smart move. Because I am actually trying to consider partners children in this situation.

Okay I do that, partner does turn violent…. What will the replies be? You should have not returned, why did you go back? You should have just left when partner was asking you to?

Assume it is his house? It seems very odd that he is so reluctant if he is committed to a long term relationship. Is moving out an option? If the dc are local and have any awareness they will already know about you, if perhaps not that you live together.

Partner has never used drugs not now, not in the past. Partner offered to do a full drug screening test when ex partner was making allegations based on hearsay.

You don’t need to cause a scene. You just calmly say that you’re sorry but you can’t leave and have nowhere else to go. Give him plenty of time to get used to the idea or make alternative arrangements.

Why do you think that standing up for yourself requires causing a scene? Why do you think that standing up for yourself could cause a violent response from him?

To all the newer posters, please read the whole thread so the Op doesn’t have to keep repeating herself!

Op, with the extra background you have provided, I’m glad to hear that your work have been supportive towards you. Wishing you luck 💐

Your need to reduce the monies you pay him to cover your time in a hotel or air b and b - he needs to suck it up - it's not your issue causing this - it's him.

Partner would NOT let me stay when children are visiting I have already had weeks of having to leave every other weekend, hide all my belongings….
Partner will NOT let me stay in our house when the children are there.
Partner will NOT change that.

Partner is completely refusing access to my home on certain days and times.

I could not even leave my water bottle on my nightstand, I had to remove all traces. If I accidentally left something partner would remove it and hide it away. I once arrived home earlier than planned partner told me to go find a car park and would let me know when I can come back.

Staying in and refusing to leave would cause a scene…I don’t know how people think it won’t create anything but a hostile environment or be at detriment to me.

But you are letting it wreck your life, effectively rendering you homeless. He has NO RIGHT to do this to you. It is your home that you have bought and paid for as much as he has. It is not for him to restrict your access. Ask yourself whether you would treat him the same way he treats you.
I know you want to avoid conflict but you have to tell him that this stops now. You are moving back in, you will be there and if he doesn’t want his kids seeing evidence of you, he needs to go elsewhere. As your relationship has ended, he can tell them you are his housemate or whatever. Not your problem. You can’t afford alternative accommodation so there is no other option but to stay put in your home. If he has an issue, tell him you will seek legal advice.

Wrong.
Read the OP's posts. They JOINTLY own this house. Despite her lower income the OP pays 50% of mortgage and the bills. He gets to live there 100% time and bring his child over and she gets to stay there when he permits it!

Do I think it’s a smart move? TBH child B won’t die if they meet you, will they? Are you a serial killer on the sex offenders register? If not, why would there be any harm in them seeing/meeting you? As i understand it, you have ended your relationship with their dad now anyway - you’re not going to be a new stepmum or anything. So I wouldn’t actually factor in the child’s apparent welfare in your decision-making.

If your ex has an issue, he needs to pay for you to go elsewhere. You need to drum that into him - he has a choice. If he gives you money to go to a hotel or pays for fuel, you will go. If he doesn’t, you don’t. Simple as.

If he gets violent or aggressive, you call the police. Stop caring about his stupid man and his kids. He doesn’t give a shit about you and you can’t fuck yourself over for him.

Oh my God, no partner does this! It's insane. It's cruel. It's totally unhinged. Having read your posts it is clear this relationship has totally broken down so I guess you need to find your own place and start the process of selling / him buying you out ASAP.

However until you sell I would cause that scene you are so worried about and stay in YOUR house that YOU are paying for. Who cares if it upsets his kids? That's on him now.

What a bellend.

He cannot kick you out of your home. As much as you are protesting what people are saying, you are choosing to leave of your own accord.

Quackduck sorry to ask as I have read all of your previous posts but am a little confused.

Are you currently at your parents' house which is 250 miles away?

You say you get on with partner's parents. Can they not allow you to stay with them when needed and say you are a lodger? (To be honest I don't really see why you can't stay in your own home and say you are a lodger until at least you have qualified.)

I understand you don't want to cause a scene but if you are on the mortgage and paying 50% how on earth can he barr you from your own home?
If he wants you out then he should be paying for a local Travelodge covering the times he needs you gone.

As you say as far as you are concerned the relationship is over, what does it matter what he thinks? Would the police help you gain access to your own home if necessary?

If I were in your shoes I would do absolutely everything to gain my qualification and then move but ensure the house is put on the market immediately.

You have really been stitched up like a kipper.😡

If that is the case then I’m sorry to say that you are in another abusive relationship. He does not have the right to control you like that. You do not require his permission to be in your house. You should not be in fear of causing a scene just by living in your house that you own.

Before you completely blow your life up by losing your job and home, I’d suggest talking to Women’s Aid (and a solicitor) for some IRL support.

@Quackduck To everyone suggesting I cause a scene, refuse to leave, do people really think causing more tension and issues is going to benefit me. Say I do, I cause a scene, refuse to leave, stroll in when teen B is there, I’m here to stay I’m not moving, you’ll have to forcibly remove me from this house. What would the impact on teen B be? Do people think this is really a smart move. Because I am actually trying to consider partners children in this situation.

Why are you putting his teenager above you? you're about to loose your job and your 'scholarship' (the one that will lead to a promotion) and your home. Why are you inflicting all this pain to yourself? Why be a martyr? teenage cause? You need to stop caring about this man and his kids.

@Quackduck Okay I do that, partner does turn violent…. What will the replies be?

If partner turns violent you go to the police, get a restraining order and dump him out of the house, if dumping him out not possible then you have a DV police charge and now your entitled to a council flat.

When you say he will not let you stay what do you mean? Is he locking you out do you not have a key to just go in and sit down? I would call the police if my partner somehow restricted access to my own home.

you seem extremely sensitive to conflict and ‘toxic situations’ but this already is a toxic situation you are in and you need to stick up for yourself. I think there are very few people who wouldn’t ’cause a scene’ in this scenario.

I think in this very complicated situation - if I’ve understood it and I’m not sure I have - it’s time to get legal advice.

Your partners is denying that you’ve split? So presumably won’t see the reason for you wanting to sell your share of the house to him, if you’ve suggested that? I’d get a solicitor involved. I think. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood.

1 phone 101 of the force you live in and explain the circs so that if anything happens they will be aware.

2 tell your work and your parents/friends that you have done this and are returning to your home. Ask them to call you daily.

3 Go back to the house (when child is not there) tell partner you will not be entertaining this nonsense any more. Tell him you have made the police aware of the issue and if he tries to physically remove you or harm you, you will call the police. Tell him your work and family/friends are aware of everything also and will be calling you thrice daily to check on your welfare and if they cannot contact you they will call the police to do a welfare check on you at the home you own.

4 tell him to make other arrangements to see his kids

5 phone an estate agent and put your house on the market

As someone who has been a victim of domestic violence and had my ribs broken by an ex partner after being battered 4000 miles away from home whilst on holiday in a foreign country, being kicked and punched and covered in blood and left in excruciating pain for weeks.

No I do not want to go through domestic violence again and you are sick to suggest that to someone who has been through DV. I mentioned previously about DV so excuse me for refusing have the possibility to go through it again.