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Original poster

Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

278 replies

hagimarker · 28/08/2025 21:39

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:23

I thought about it all. There are many things I brush off daily but after reading strangers' comments I think they might be relevant. As an example I often mention that I want to go back to the Nordics where I am from. Life there is more comfortable, this is where my roots are etc. He gets agressive each time and raises his voice making envious comments but my point is he is a high earner here and I am basically poverty line unmarried, very low unstable income. Why is he envious of my opportunties there? I can easily teach art/ history of art and earn good living. I always lived in apartments and if you know we Scandinavian people make lovely homes in a cosy style. I love that. Here I am in a house with a garden in which maintaining I have no interest. I told him many times to get a gardener but he says to me that gardening is my job. I said no it isnt, it is not my garden, I do not want to live in a house with a garden. Prior to meeting him i lived in apartments and i was very happy. He also has arguments over cleaning as adamant it is my job. He told me numerous times he earns too much money to be cleaning the house. I told him last night how I miss my country, my friends who i regularly see on facebook meeting up and doing things together. I told him there is nothing that keeps me here - i am not married, i havent got a place i can call home, i dont have children so the decision is easy. He got really angry and envious.

OP posts:
Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:26

I wonder how is he now going to sabotage me going back. I am pretty sure he will do his oumost to make it difficult. putting me down, saying i will not have the guts to do it etc is usually his method. Seeding the doubt.
Just a thought to share...

OP posts:
HonestOpalHelper · 30/08/2025 17:27

hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:23

I thought about it all. There are many things I brush off daily but after reading strangers' comments I think they might be relevant. As an example I often mention that I want to go back to the Nordics where I am from. Life there is more comfortable, this is where my roots are etc. He gets agressive each time and raises his voice making envious comments but my point is he is a high earner here and I am basically poverty line unmarried, very low unstable income. Why is he envious of my opportunties there? I can easily teach art/ history of art and earn good living. I always lived in apartments and if you know we Scandinavian people make lovely homes in a cosy style. I love that. Here I am in a house with a garden in which maintaining I have no interest. I told him many times to get a gardener but he says to me that gardening is my job. I said no it isnt, it is not my garden, I do not want to live in a house with a garden. Prior to meeting him i lived in apartments and i was very happy. He also has arguments over cleaning as adamant it is my job. He told me numerous times he earns too much money to be cleaning the house. I told him last night how I miss my country, my friends who i regularly see on facebook meeting up and doing things together. I told him there is nothing that keeps me here - i am not married, i havent got a place i can call home, i dont have children so the decision is easy. He got really angry and envious.

"He earns too much money to clean the house".

Twat alert, twat alert !!!!

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 17:32

You do have the guts to go back and make it work. You got here, in reverse, which was harder!

Start squirreling money. Restore connections with friends back there. If your heart is there (and god knows why it should be here with this selfish man) you’ll do it.

Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:37

I mean he said we can have a cleaner but I do not want a cleaner as I am annoyingly clean (also his words)and I know I will be cleaning after the cleaner. I also do not think he realises how much cleaning costs I worked out if we have a cleaner 2x week at £15ph and she does 3h as less they would not travel here that is £90 per week £360 per month I said he can pay me that but he said no. I said so you would pay a cleaner but not me? Silence.

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 30/08/2025 17:43

hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:26

I wonder how is he now going to sabotage me going back. I am pretty sure he will do his oumost to make it difficult. putting me down, saying i will not have the guts to do it etc is usually his method. Seeding the doubt.
Just a thought to share...

You have had your eyes opened. It is crazy what you appear to have been tolerating compared to a healthy Nordic life. Believe in yourself and make the move that you deserve. Set yourself a timescale such as “by January 1st I will have moved to Stockholm” or wherever you plan on living. Your life with this man has run its course. It is time to move on to your next goal.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 30/08/2025 17:44

Having read all your posts, I have no idea why you're still there, frankly.

He hates you. You know that right?

Omgblueskys · 30/08/2025 17:44

Omg op are you not due a little trip home to see family and friends let's say about a month away , will do you the world if good and even better show him how independent you can be , you don't need him as much as he needs you, house looking after, garden going, cooking meals,
Go home op have a little holiday 😄

Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:47

Motherbear44 · 30/08/2025 17:43

You have had your eyes opened. It is crazy what you appear to have been tolerating compared to a healthy Nordic life. Believe in yourself and make the move that you deserve. Set yourself a timescale such as “by January 1st I will have moved to Stockholm” or wherever you plan on living. Your life with this man has run its course. It is time to move on to your next goal.

Show quote history

Totally opened! The sad thing is I normalised so many behaviours that I do not even know how a healthy relationship looks like.

OP posts:
Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:50

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 30/08/2025 17:44

Having read all your posts, I have no idea why you're still there, frankly.

He hates you. You know that right?

I thought about the hate tbh - he does correct me, interrupts me, speaks over me it is all belittling techniques. His face changes when I speak about Scandinavia he gets genuinely envious. He makes these very angry faces as if he is utterly irritated by me. He did offer to pay for an apartment and us living between two countries. I think control at any cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:52

Omgblueskys · 30/08/2025 17:44

Omg op are you not due a little trip home to see family and friends let's say about a month away , will do you the world if good and even better show him how independent you can be , you don't need him as much as he needs you, house looking after, garden going, cooking meals,
Go home op have a little holiday 😄

He also relies on my difficult relationship with my DM which tbh him and my DM are very similar and something I work on in therapy as obviously I am drawn to what is similar. I think he relies on me not gaving the guts to return and my difficult DM where I will wiegh things up and rather stay with him. His thinking.

OP posts:
Omgblueskys · 30/08/2025 18:20

hagimarker · 30/08/2025 17:52

He also relies on my difficult relationship with my DM which tbh him and my DM are very similar and something I work on in therapy as obviously I am drawn to what is similar. I think he relies on me not gaving the guts to return and my difficult DM where I will wiegh things up and rather stay with him. His thinking.

Show quote history

Well op one thing you should take from this, he has made you stronger, stronger to cope/deal with any other prick that comes your way, spending time with your kind of people, people who enjoy having you around them, that's what you need right now, try a spend a little holiday back home,
Love it you just dropped it , huy 'bob ' going home for a week, see some friends catch up, see ya next week bob,

Eddielizzard · 30/08/2025 18:27

What's stopping you just going? Book a ticket, pack a bag and go. How brilliant to not even tell him. He's shown you how little he values you, and your value to him is so that he can put you down while you're catering to his every need. It's really awful. He's an absolute shit who doesn't deserve you.

At least go for a holiday. He has no hold over you. Who cares what dipshit says?

Britinme · 30/08/2025 18:51

When you go back to Scandinavia, you don't have to live with DM, surely? Or maybe for no longer than it takes you to get a job and earn some money? Is there any way you can squirrel away a little cash so you have escape money? If you're an artist, is there work you could sell? Money you could make by private tuition? (I suggest this because one of my DGDs has lessons from a private art tutor because she is autistic and doesn't do well in groups but loves art).

Why not check out what the social security situation is in your home country and see if there are any benefits you could draw on temporarily if you went back there?

Zempy · 30/08/2025 19:49

I have no idea why you are still with this horrible man.

Go home (avoid your mother) and make a new life for yourself. You have happy years ahead of you but you need to ditch this nasty bloke.

begone25 · 30/08/2025 20:04

If you don’t go back to Scandinavia I’d be tempted to apply for a role like this:
https://www.martin-salter.com/job-listings/live-in-housekeeper/d2bac809-48c7-4dc9-8e5a-fb3eb1601d61

You might as well get paid for what you do!

RainMap · 30/08/2025 20:15

Make sure you have your passport and other important information well hidden, even out of the house somewhere safe if you can.

Horses7 · 30/08/2025 22:56

Ditch this horrible guy who (to be frank) is just not that into you.
Go back to your homeland and your friends - after all if he suddenly decides he can’t live without you he will do anything to have you back in his life, including marriage.
Get a grip and take charge of your life!

Original poster
hagimarker · 31/08/2025 00:22

Yes his behaviour is appalling. I often watch and listen how he speaks about others and it is with disregard. He finds people's misfortune amusing, has no empathy towards those in need, for example an alcoholic or drag addict is not a person for him whilst I always see a story of a broken person who turned into addiction and needs help. I could share few stories here that would shock you. All the comments really helped me take stock. You are right he doesnt respect me at all. Even when I am busy applying for jobs he interrupts me with memes from internet and when I say I am busy and want to complete in peace, he gets all snappy and says 'yeah alright just watch this one your thing can wait' - as my job search is not a priority. Why would it be? A proper job would put me amongst people, I will make friends, I may even meet someone, it will pay me a regular salary, give me sense of belonging and independece. He wants me at home doing chores for him. I am actually really upset I wasted so much time.

OP posts:
Original poster
hagimarker · 31/08/2025 00:24

forgot to ask - does anyone one know how these guys think - does he seriously think I would continue staying in a non intimate relationship for further years? Does he not think I may meet someone?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 31/08/2025 00:42

hagimarker · 31/08/2025 00:24

forgot to ask - does anyone one know how these guys think - does he seriously think I would continue staying in a non intimate relationship for further years? Does he not think I may meet someone?

I hope you do escape. Celibacy is a hard road to walk in your forties and you have a choice because you're not tied down.

Britinme · 31/08/2025 02:42

hagimarker · 31/08/2025 00:24

forgot to ask - does anyone one know how these guys think - does he seriously think I would continue staying in a non intimate relationship for further years? Does he not think I may meet someone?

No - he thinks he’s got you where he wants you and he is completely underestimating you. Please get yourself out of this situation a.s.a.p. You’re not old and there is plenty of life ahead of you.

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/08/2025 03:07

I wish you a speedy departure from this relationship with a pithy bye note, and for him I wish a miserable lonely 20 more years as that sounds like what he deserves, certainly no other woman deserves to suffer through a relationship with him.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 31/08/2025 05:22

hagimarker · 31/08/2025 00:24

forgot to ask - does anyone one know how these guys think - does he seriously think I would continue staying in a non intimate relationship for further years? Does he not think I may meet someone?

He is, at the very least, a sociopath if not a high functioning psychopath. He has no empathy, cannot understand the feelings or needs of others, is totally self-centered (narcissism).

Stop letting him in. Until you can leave, which I do hope is soon, block him out when he gets angry, belittles you or gets whiny.

Go to where you know you will be happy. You have time, but each day you wait is a day you have lost your freedom. When you get to where you want to be, then be busy getting work and saving and trying to get a pension together. Find your happiness. After that selfish twat waffle, you deserve happiness and joy.

PurpleSocks37 · 31/08/2025 05:58

hagimarker · 28/08/2025 21:50

@Lmnop22 all his assets go to his DC, I do not get to live in his house. There is no provision for me. There is nothing in place in case he dies. He actually often says he is not planning to die, he thinks he will be living long and in good health.
He behaves as if providing security for me in case something happens is hard doing on him.

Answering questions why I havent build is irrelevant here to this story. I did not have means to do it. Life just took an unexpected turn in the past.

As you are living at his home and that home is not going to be for you in the future I would not pay any rent. Save as much as you can from your salary and see if you can buy something little anywhere in the country and rent it so you can get some money and be able to move and not being homeless in the future. Do you have family like parents? Will you receive inheritance from them in the future?. I honestly think your partner is very selfish and he is not thinking about you. He could write something in his will about you living in the house until you die and then the house going to his children but he does not care enough about you or your future...