Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

@hagimarker please get some financial advice.

as others have pointed out, life insurance is not the solution here. Life insurance insurance is not designed to protect you from events which are inevitable - like someone older dying. It is very likely not only that life insurance would be incredibly expensive at his age (premiums of many thousands a year) but also I would guess it may not even be available.

could you get some money from family to help you buy a small flat. Or move in with your parents?

Op you need to have a conversation with him,
1/ who's his NOK ??
2/ Has he got a will already, weres it kept ( in the event of something happening, or does children know this information already,

3/ funeral plan, what plans has he made, if any,
Reasons for these questions op is, will the cost of the funeral fall to you, if so has he made provision for this, if not why not,
Can you would you pull 8,000 min out of thin air for this, if your down as NOK you will be expected to deal answer pay for funeral,

From my experience, NOK but nc for 17 years and yes I was responsible for funeral cost,
Sil suddenly died 52 yrs old, no insurance, nothing, but partner from 20 years previous was NOK, this lady had no health issues no medication hadn't visited gp or hospital in 20 years so forgotten xp was named as NOK, this was ewful as now partner of 16 yrs and xp , siblings collected enough for funeral but what a mess, tensions were high and of course trying to come to terms with loss and grief was put on back burner op,

Your right to ask these questions op, just so you know,
If he intends to leave all to daughter you do know this goes to probate which takes up to a year, with no money being released before hand, so hopefully daughter knows she will forfit the cost of any funeral arrangements, let's hope he has put this in place op ,
I do think it's very inconsiderate of him not to have some security in place for you

I don't understand why you think he needs to pay for you to be honest. If I were in his shoes, with children, I wouldn't want to either and clearly that is precisely why you are not married. He probably thinks that when he is gone, you will get remarried (fair enough) and another random man and perhaps his random children will inherit the money he has worked hard to build, instead of his own children.

My own father has made a provision for his second wife (of 20 years) to live in their joint house after he dies, but that eventually his share will be left to his children. He has named her on certain pensions that have to pass to a spouse, but otherwise left assets to his children. In that scenario it is because she has her own children, and he doesn't want them to receive money in preference to his children. In your case your partner doesn't even know who might get it next. Given the age gap, and that you are probably quite close in age to his children, he probably doesn't want to leave you a lifetime interest either. What is the use in them inheriting when they are in their 70s themselves? Making them wait 20 years longer might be the difference between them buying a home of their own, or privately educating their children, or pursuing a career that brings them joy. Why are you more important than them, you did not earn this money either. You also don't claim to have performed a role in raising his children. Marriage between partners who share children works because their interests are aligned, and ultimately they both want the best for those children. Even then it frequently doesn't.

You haven't answered any questions about who pays for the house, bills, etc currently. I think that is important. Do you pay to live with him? If not, are you not getting quite a good deal?

What do you think? Why is it important for random people to tell you this, why are you doubting what you think? I only ask as it smacks of low self worth, which could be making you think you can’t leave him. Or just accepting shit treatment. Which is a common thing if you’ve had some awful time which I think you’ve alluded to.

Not trying to be horrible but stop trying to work out why he does this , it’s irrelevant. Like being bitten by a snake and, rather than go as far away as possible, going back to the snake to ask it why it bit you.

it doesn’t matter why, all that matters is that he does, it’s not right as you know. Put the energy to getting out.

So he's expecting you to care for him as he ages but have no financial security? You need to take a hard look at your potential future. He's future faked you for 10 years and if he dies first you'll be homeless and will have few savings to rehouse yourself. If you die first it doesn't really impact him financially at all. It sounds like he has a very selfish mentality "what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own!"
You need to have a serious look at your financial future and how to boost your pension/savings. Have you got a will/LPA? Are you leaving everything to him? Maybe mention you're thinking about updating your own will and see what he says about that!

Personally I'd be upset at the imbalance and be rethinking the future of the relationship.

I do not want to digress into how much I work, who depends on who becasue this is a decade of life together and various life situation - all irrelevant to the actual post

It’s not irrelevant, because the life insurance is the red herring here.

Other posters have pointed out, quite rightly, that you seem not to have ‘earned the right’ to any provision from this man. You’ve not missed out on a career because you raised kids together, you seem not to have paid equally into the house, and he has previous DC who are his NoK.

I don’t disagree that hes guilty of future faking if the early conversations were around marriage. But he’s shown you very clearly now that this isn’t happening. He is making zero provision for you. PP is right that if he died tomorrow you’d be homeless.

Given the state of your relationship and your unhappiness with lack of care, affection and intimacy - and separate rooms - you would be no worse off emotionally if you walked out and into a house share or your own flat.

I’m guessing you can’t afford to live via your own means. That is the real issue here. You can’t ’life insurance’ your way to independence.

Looking at this dispassionately, you provide him with care, cleaning and cooking, companionship I'm assuming? He's providing you with accommodation, bills paid, food, as you're not working?

It's not like you're not getting anything out of this. It's not a great relationship, and he will not provide for your future, he's made that quite clear.

So think about your options: get a job, move out, support yourself or stay as you are with little security.

He will put down your job opps as he doesn't want you to lose focus on him.

I personally would just go for a job, fuck what he says about it. Being independent is a wonderful thing.

I'm sorry to say this after 10 years together but I think you'd be better off on your own. It sounds suspiciously like he doesn't value you and I don't mean monetarily.
One of my sisters left her husband after 10 years and I've seen what staying together because of financial distress has done for my in-laws.

Exactly!!!

Oh poor you having to get a job sob sob, next you will be looking for a much older man to marry so you can take all his hard earned cash!! Oh hang on you already have!

A lovely poster on here did walk away after posting on here. Her step brother took her in. She didn't answer his calls went radio silent. He got his daughter to phone her. She stayed strong. Within a week she had a job. Within the month a new social circle of nice people. She had a weekend away.

There's a way out but you have to be strong.

Kind of agree with this

You're not married. It's up to you to provide for your own financial future

I would make sure you start working & saving every penny of yours whilst 'spending' as much as you can of his. Let him pay for almost everything apart from maybe a share of the bills proportionate to your income.

I take it he earns way more than you and therefore he should pay for most things. No rent or any upkeep as you have no interest in his house. Let him pay for all food and everything when you are out. Let him use his car & petrol.

The worst he can do is ask you to leave, which is what you are planning anyway.

You already know the answer; you've repeatedly said so yourself. He doesn't care about you. At all. He cares about himself.

You are there to support him, to look after him, to show off to others that he has a 'younger wife', to clean up after him. And he doesn't give two shits about what happens to you when he's dead.

@hagimarker now you have experience in care could you get a job in a nursing home instead of out and about. You can start working through doing your svq’s then progress into nursing/uni or management in a home .

Id absolutely leave this man. No chance I’d be stuck to him giving and never getting back.
You are plenty young for a new exciting life where you can build security for yourself and or meet a new person to be a “partner “ in life .

@Imbusytodaysorry

and never getting back.

We don't know that's true. She may have had 10 years' worth a free living. No rent, no mortgage, no bills, no food bills.Her clothes bought for her her her holidays for free.

The OP hasn't gone into detail about what her contribution is. She may well have had an extremely good deal over the last ten years.

He's made it clear that he will not be providing for you after his death. So now take a long hard look at what you need to do to look after yourself.

It sounds as if you have not been working full-time, and that might need to change. You said you had recently taken a job as a carer, and that by using your own car it meant that you were not making money. If that actually is the case, you need to get a better job. If you are currently living rent free, it might make sense to stay where you are to enable you make sufficient savings to fund living independently. You need enough for a deposit and some months rent in hand, and a job with wage slips that prove you earn enough to cover the rent.
Maybe you need to consider retraining.
It sounds as if this man has actually supported you for the last decade - is that correct? If that is the case, that's probably saved you ( conservative estimate) at least 2k per month.
There's no point in wondering about his motives and intentions going back over the last decade, because it's clear you are going to have to prioritise feathering your own nest. Work out how you are going to move forward.

Can you afford to live elsewhere?

I met my DH in my mid 40s, we got together in my late 40s and married in my mid-50s. We bought a house together four years ago and we had a tiny deposit. He is the love of my life. I’m saying this so you know that you don’t have to stay. You can find a great love and have marriage and a joint house, if that’s what you want. You have years yet. Sending love ❤️

Duplicate

Yes you can insure the life of another but he would need to be on board @hagimarker .

edited to add- i think your relationship is beyond this though

YOu have an insurable interest. Take out a policy on his life and pay it for yourself.

I don't think this situation needs to be bad for either of you: it depends on whether you are contented.

He has assets which will go to his DC - not unfair

You get free bed and board in return for housekeeping and arm-candy duties - not unfair

Life insurance would be far too expensive

If he becomes ill or disabled, or dies, you can wash your hands of the situation and let his DC deal with it - a big plus!

If he dies or throws you out, can you stay with your parent? Do you have other friends or relatives?

It would be a good idea to build your savings and NI contributions, and there are jobs out there, so don't let the curmudgeon put you off (aren't you bored, not working?)

I've had something similar in my family, and the root cause was a denial of death and an unwillingness to plan for it. I don't believe it was intentionally cruel, just illogical and unconsciously selfish. It took a lot of arguments, nagging, debates and cooling off periods (decades!) for it to get resolved.