Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

Are you living in his property? Do you pay rent?
If you've brought up the idea of buying property together, then you must have a deposit, so could you not try to get your own place?

How many long term relationships (given you’ve been with this man for 10 years and you’re in your 40s) have you had where “the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally”? Do you always try to tie your financial security to men you aren’t married to? This is very odd.

Yes, I’m with you OP. People can do that in the beginning of relationships and lure you in under false pretences. It sounds like that has happened here. Of course, life isn’t black and white and we can, and do, change our minds. If he doesn’t respond with care or consideration to your concerns at this point, and after 10 years, I think it would be wise to step away, or at least re-assess whether you wish to stay in this relationship. I mean is it even a relationship?!!

The big giveaway is the ’I.’

He lured you in to benefit himself. It’s not an uncommon scenario sadly, and he won’t even agree to both of you taking out life insurance!

LTB (my first).

@PeonyPatch you nailed it! Exactly that. No it is not a relationship. I'd say companionship as no assets, no sense of family or togetherness just a role to fulfil or play. I came here as it has been bugging me for a while now but like most we often seek reassurance elswhere, wondering what others would do. I do not see any future in this because absolutely nothing has happended in 10 years. We are not even engaged. I was married before and I know how things should flow and what sharing life for better and for worse means. I think stepping away might be wise...

So sorry you’re in this situation. I really feel for you. I agree, it isn’t the normal or typical development for an intimate relationship. I did wonder why you hadn’t raised it before, but thought you may have done, but the years go by so quickly don’t they.

Sounds like you’re at a bit of a turning point in your life. I think it’s time to get rid of this chap. Absolutely no sense of togetherness or security - and it sounds like that’s what you want. Not necessarily a nice outcome right now, but you’ll thank yourself later down the line!!

@Lighteningstrikes this is my point why not simply take an insurance that each of us could pay for and give ourselves some peace. The reluctance to it is the key.

Not the point of your post I realise but life assurance for somebody already in their 60s will cost you an absolute fortune. Likely £250-400 a month I would expect for a policy that pays out enough to buy you a house of your own.

@OnlyOneAdda perhaps that is they key! money

sorry just realised it would cost me that much. yeah I think more than I thought!

Yes, and the cold truth is he’s a very self-centred man.

If he gets married, he sacrifices his children’s inheritance. Personally, I don’t think that’s fair on them and most parents naturally want to ensure that anything they have to leave benefits their children.

He was wrong to to lead you to believe that he wanted marriage and financial commitment, but he’s not wrong for wanting to protect his children’s inheritance. It’s what many women do and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love their partners.

I don’t understand why you’re relying on another person to make you financially secure.

Depending on his health, he may not even be eligible for life cover. A combination of even minor health concerns at mid 60 may rule him out of even being accepted for anything other than one of those funeral plans that have a very low sum assured. They wouldn’t give you anywhere near an amount needed to protect your lifestyle if he died I’m afraid

@CopperWhite I understand your point but my post is only about an insurance. I pay my bit he pays his. Fair share of insuarnce for two people as a compromise on the fact that he doesnt want to get married. A bit like 'ok no marriage but what do you propose instead?' I think it is fair. As for inheritance I agree with you - of course everyone wants to give all to their children but then equally his children can look after him and be his companions. They are barely in touch today so future gives them an opportunity to redeem.

No, he is not into you. He is, though, into getting his hands on what you might inherit from your family.

I'm sorry, but he doesn't give a toss about you, or what would happen to you should he die first. By the way, I think you should make a will as soon as possible, and leave him well out of it. It is even possible to specify why you are deliberately leaving someone out; a solicitor could advise you on that. You don't even need to tell him you've made a will.

But from now on, you need to start thinking about how you can build up your own finances, because you absolutely cannot rely on him.

@MissMarianHalcombe good point thank you

@Dabberlocks I know nothing about wills so thank you for pointing this out - I actually thought there is need for a will because we are not married. Am i missing something?

LTB. He does not care about you. If he did he would ensure you were OK if he died.

I found myself in a similar position, thankfully i saw the light after 3 years and moved on, much to his surprise. You are worth so much more than the crumbs, focus on you, your finances and your future, get your own security. It took me 2 years but im now secure and safe financially and its an amazing feeling. Good luck.

Everybody needs a will. If you don't have one, then you need to sort that out asap.

@takeabreaker the bit about 'much to his surprise' really intrests me because I mentioned to him few times in the past that this is not working, it is not what we agreed and not what we discussed yet he completely ignores what I say to him. He just doesnt hear. I am wondering is he that belligerent that it doesnt even enter his mind I may leave?

He may have heard the words, but until you remove yourself from his life the reality will not hit him. He may act unbothered, or be devastated, but either way it changes nothing. He has had 10 years to show you, by his actions, that he cares and supports you. I would make your plans and quietly exit his life, block him on all channels and make your life the very best you can. You can do anything, but you need to start taking steps forward, instead of living in limbo. You deserve so much more than he will ever give.

i recently got a job as a carer just to literally get any money but he said it makes no sense the job as it is low pay self employed, use own car so really and truly im paying them. with many jobs it was like that he would be negative about each of them always criticizing it.

i think all he wants is a female companion to cook, clean and just be around. we have not been intimate for years, it is all off. He only gets excited when he goes out with me as if I play a role, a show off - 'look at me I have this woman on my arm'. Even when I am dressed up he is never flirtatious with me, there is never any playfulness, I can be dressed up and he will not say 'you look lovely'. All because 'you always look lovely so why do i need to say it'. we get home after an evening each goes to their bedroom and thats it. show over.