Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

This 💯

He doesn't see you as a long term commitment to share a life and finances with. Do what you can to retrain or earn enough money to provide your own home and security and savings.

This relationship is dead. I usually look for a way to resolve issues but he has shown you who he is and I am amazed that you are still there. A trophy girlfriend (not even a wife) and then a room-mate with no sex or romance? Get out of there and find yourself a real man ffs.

Why is he a twat. Because he doesnt want to financially provide for another adult who he isn't even married too. Why should he. I would call that very sensible.But on thd other hand OP should not set herself up to be his carer and housekeeper. Sounds like the relationship has run it's course.

So many f**king hypocrites on here. If this were a man saying his partner who has kids doesnt want to do what OP is suggesting he would get his ass handed to him and rightly so.

He has prioritised his DC. Thats the way it should be. So many people have kids, split up, remarry and the kids are f**ked over. Have new relationships but keep your finances separate and earn enough to stand on your own feet and not rely on someone else.

But no one has suggested that he should hand over all or even some of his assets to @hagimarker and she hasn't suggested this either. This is despite the fact that his children apparently aren't at all close to him and see him only once a year despite living very nearby.
She has said that he has become angry when she has raised the possibility of life insurance when he dies so she has some security. If he cared about her as a long term love, he would desperately want her to be secure and comfortable in her old age and would not be unwilling to discuss her future. It seems that he made false promises about marriage at the start of the relationship and now doesn't care about her at all, apart from presenting her to his friends as a much younger woman.

It may be the case that he made false promises but the OP is definitely not innocent in this situation. It looks as if she has worked very little and he has provided all the financial security for her. She's worrying now because he's getting older.

Where is her personal responsibility? I think she was looking for an easy meal ticket as the main comments have centred around money and not love. It's all actually quite sad.

@rainingsnoring THANK YOU exactly that. I have been reading all the comments carefully and some are mean but I think they come from people (potentially children of remarried parents) that have grown bitter and twisted over inheritances. Like you mentioned I do not have a problem with any claims over anything. I am very much (and always have been) about his DC getting the fair share. I never stood in a way of any arrangements he has made for them. He gets combative when we speak about him securing me but he equally openly says 'well when I am old you will be/ you have to/ you need to do xyz' to which I always respond 'as who?' meaning what is my role that I need to/ have to. I get silence in response. I also mentioned that he already asked about my inheritance and to whom I will leave it? I told him I do not rely on it as care may take the inheritance. I do realise there is only one beneficiary here. And to those PP who asked why I do not work - I never said I do not or didnt work. I said I do not have enough income ie there is huge disparity. I never said I did not contribute - I invested in his business that collapsed. I am unlikely to see the money. It was all about 'let's get the buisness up and running then we get married'. He sold his car, then mine was driven to death. I needed to buy a car for my work (not the carer work), I had limited budget he had a lot more yet I ended up buying car in full which is fine. I do see that as fair contribution to the full board I get as a lodger. So there is a lot overall give and take. I support him in looking after his very elderly father (90s) and I do organise his life. He could not earn what he earns if he had to manage the home workload I do on top of everything else. I am submitted into a wife role but without the benefits. He gets all the benefits but without any risk.

Leave him then. It’s that simple. You’ve no ties.

"I am submitted into a wife role but without the benefits. He gets all the benefits but without any risk."

Then you have a very difficult choice to make.
He sounds so selfish, it is not a partnership or reciprocal in any way.
I know where I would be heading.

and before it starts - like I said in PP I used to be able to fund things, invest etc but life happened (and it is not to disclose here) so before anyone judges me about meal tickets - remember every person has a different story and you do not know. this post was about life insurance and I got my answer - it is not fianically viable as too expensive, period and I agree. The men is selfish. That's it. We listen, we dont judge.

Don't beat yourself up about that. Plan for your future instead. His actions say 'I don't care about you', and that he could then say with words 'I care about you more than anything' but that would be meaningless.

I also only learned this recently. No point dwelling on the past, and be aware of sunk cost fallacy also.

Honestly if it were me I'd ghost him.

I can't imagine hooking up with a man who was impotent and enduring a decade of this relationship. Time to cast off these shackles and have some freedom

I didn't read that she hasn't worked much, just that her sector is less well paid. She has alluded to life events but hasn't given details. Perhaps she got divorced and lost money or made a bad investment or had to support a relative financially. Only she knows and clearly doesn't want to say.
Why would you assume that she was looking for an easy meal ticket? Some women do that, sure, but I don't get the impression from what she has written.

I think you need to leave.
Even if you are not well off, you might be able to increase your work as you won't have to taken on his responsibilities and wouldn't feel obliged to care for him as he ages. You also wouldn't have any resentment if you were solely reliant on yourself. Perhaps you might meet someone in future and have a happier and more equal partnership.

You can in US, people do take them out on their kids and spouses and they dont even have to know about it. Not sure here. And yes I saw this on true crime 😂

I was widowed aged 50 quite suddenly (plane crash, DH was only 54 and we had 3 children, two adult and one teenager). Because DH was a lovely man I was left comfortably situated for me and the children and I have widow's pensions resulting from his death. Since you aren't married, you would not have a widow's pension if your DP died since you aren't married. His DC wouldn't get anything either way other than their inheritance. I don't imagine your DP has considered that.

OP you mention being in your late 40s as if that means there is no possible future for you other than staying in this unsatisfactory and uncomfortable situation, apparently uncared for. However, I am now 75 and I can tell you that I met a wonderful man and remarried at age 52 - not that I didn't grieve hard for DH1, but that I still had a life to live. There is life after 50 and mine is far better than I could have imagined. It's not that I don't miss DH1 - I do, every day. We were married almost 30 years and I loved him dearly. But I am very happy with DH2.

Other than immediate financial necessity, is there any reason for you to stay? And if you do have immediate financial necessity, how can you go about addressing that issue?

Nylen is spreading spam everywhere.

@justasking111 its being deleted as we speak

I would guess he's a twat because he's asked about getting his hands on OPs possible future inheritance, he lies/future fakes, he tries to persuade her not to work, he is unsupportive, uninterested and emotionally detached and he leaves all housework and cooking to OP, but I guess some people just can't see past money.

When you first get your own car insurance you have to build up your no claims bonus. It's cheaper to stay as a named driver but safer to have your own cover. You need your own cover.

I went to uni to train when I was slightly older than you and I'm financially independent now.

You have skills that are transferable. Transfer them.

It's scary but not nearly as frightening as being in your shoes. You're a boiled frog and you need to get out the pot 🐸

OP, this relationship is doing nothing for you. He doesn’t love or value you. He is never going to repay the money he owes you (car, investment in his failed business, etc) and has no intention of trying. You would be so much happier and better off without this leech.

Your mention that ‘life happened’ suggests that something went wrong for you, maybe a disability or M.E.? That’s a setback.

But as you are articulate and still able to run his household while working as a carer, it sounds as if you’d be capable of getting a job you could live on. State benefits may help. You may be eligible for a housing association flat.

Do please look into all ways of moving on and living your own life. You should be able to make new friends and start healing your damaged confidence and self-esteem.

As a PP said, don’t let fear freeze you. Best of luck as you make s new and more satisfying life.

Edited to add: You could start researching your next move by contacting Citizen’s Advice. I hope you’ve dropped the life insurance idea —not practical, and you need to break links with this man anyway.

You are with a selfish man who doesn't give a damn about you. I'd take this opportunity to get the hell out of there.

I meant a twat in the quality of the emotional relationship rather than in the financial arrangements.