Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

He thinks so low of you that this idea of you meeting someone does not cross his mind. Leave him , be free and happy. You deserve better.

It sounds like he is trying to limit any opportunities you may have to meet someone by keeping you at home and financially dependent on him - doing things to interrupt (like sending you memes) when you are trying to find a better job, etc.

The whole "you must take care of my garden, I earn too much to lower myself to deal with it" really appalled me. That's just crazy.

I think I have been isolated for such a long time that I can not see things for what they are. I tolerate this beahviour, I allow it as I lost a sense of what is acceptable and what isnt. Also with no real means for my indenednence I obviously bottle up/ brush off as I can not afford rocking the boat. He knows it and pushes the boundaries. Mind you I think looking at the situation today I have no boundaries, he treats me like nothing. I am that frog in hot water, the heat goes up and the frog doesnt even realise when she is boiling.

You’ve already taken the first step - you have acknowledged that this is not acceptable to you, so there’s your boundary.
Now you have to decide what your next step is.
Even if that means deciding to hang on a bit longer while you save up to move out.
And you don’t have to say anything to him.

No one would willingly enter into a relationship if they knew it would turn out like this. It's easy to be beaten down when the behaviour happens gradually over a long time, when your view shrinks so that things seem plausible, and false promises are made.

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I am also in the arts and have become too financially dependant on my partner, feeling "lucky" that he was willing to support me in my dream (which does pay, but not enough to live on my own). I now can see it is a form of control/keeping me and am taking steps to change this. I don't know that I will leave, but having the option to leave if I want to will change the balance back to more equal footing.

The only thing you can do now is protect yourself as much as possible and find a safe way out. It sounds like going back to your home country will open up some wonderful opportunities for you. Start making a plan to do it. Don't tell him until you are ready to leave.

Op find that ' Nordic blood ' that's runs through your veins, genetically your made to travel, to see the world, independent Nordic women, gather your rugsack walking boots op and go see you friends back home, it's in your blood,

As a young teenager I envied again young people who would just go travelling, rugsack and go, free, happy, living day to day, having the courage to just go, train here flight there,

This is you op , find that person again , hy what have you to lose op, be free and happy and meet like minded people like you, be happy op,

And if it ties in with job interviews/ flathunting all the better.

Youre too young to be wasting your life being a passenger. You need to drive your own life and grab it with both hands

It sounds like your mother may have set you up for this situation. I was similar. It took me almost 3 years to leave, but I made my own life and independence (on a very low income) and now I have a wonderful relationship. Rather than blaming yourself for staying, see it as a path you needed to follow in order to get to this point- you are on the cusp of becoming independent and blossoming into your own life, rather than being an appendage to this cruel, callous man.

Good luck. You can do this. All you need is a trip back to your home country- from what you say I am sure the rest will fall into place. Can you apply to jobs there now, from here, to get that ball rolling?

So what are you going to do about it??
You need to tap into your inner Valkyrie and leave this appalling situation.
You are not a frog.
It’s your time and you CAN DO THIS!

He sounds more nasty with every post. It is very positive that you have the option of escaping back to your lovely Nordic country, where you presumably have some friends and family. Good luck with leaving. Perhaps you should go for a holiday and never come back so that he doesn't manipulate into staying.

He is investing the minimum in order to keep you sweet for his old age. If he won’t pay for a gardener now, why should he pay for a nursemaid in 25 years to wash and clean his man-bush. He’s got you. And I bet you that the day after his funeral his adult children say ‘thanks very much and we’ve called you a taxi’. And there you are in your 60s.
time to get out

^ This

@rightoguvnor oh I thought about this scenario so many times because I can see it already in the current dynamic and behaviour. It is a classic where he is wax lyrical about his DC but has absolutely no clue to who they are. Complete denial. A decade and I can not even get a happy birthday once a year, but aparently they are 'very well brought up'. They are not, I know some stories (which he doesnt) that made my hair curl. I decided to keep them for that one day in the future. There is a lot of manipulation in this and like PP @RainMap mentioned I also thought 'oh he is so supportive, he wants whats best' but actually he was already grooming me for this. I am lucky that I look younger than I am and I am relatively in good health (better than few years ago). I hope this will carry me through this as I am sure this will take its toll. I know PP were judgemental but believe me nothing in this story was ever black and white. I still take responsibility for getting manipulated, for him draining my savings which I had for deposit, for knocking down my confidence saying 'you do not need this or that job' where I was literally penniles believing he says it out of care and recognises my ambitions. He wanted me at home as his wife was at home but she was his wife and when she left she got a hefty pay out which he is still bitter about 20 years later. Says it all. I kept telling him that she did give you 2 DC and it is thanks to her you could run your business. Men often forget that without our input a lot would not have taken place.

PP asked what am I going to do? I made the decision. It's now set in stone. It is a matter of when not if. I am naturally a very upbeat, chatty, bubbly person, I look younger than late 40s, I love life and people. I am stuck but I am not going to allow him to win. I have a life to live.

Maybe you could share with me ideas of how to plan logistics around this? I have a lot of stuff - furniture (nice bits), clothes, nice cooking equipment (I love cooking and baking and used to do it professionally), a lot of books and art stuff to create - I can not throw away nearly 30 years of life, I would like to take it back with me as it is part of my journey, I can not do it by taking it to safestore because he will know. I feel like arranging a 'distance relationship' could work. We would 'aim' for weekly flights then it will be twice a month then once a month and so it will cease. People get ill, I may have work, weekend course or a conference. he may have DC birthday or something (mind you they never ever invite him to their birthdays or any lunches, never ever invited him out on his birthday and never ever gave him a birthday present).

I do appreciate you sharing your thoughts so feel free to say how would you arrange this.

Not sure about the distant relationship. Only you would know if you could pull it off.

I was thinking that you could rent a store and tell him you are going to declutter (Swedish death cleaning) Act as if the stuff has gone to the dump but when he is out at work you actually put it in the store. You may have to sacrifice some bits of furniture but for the sake of your future it sounds like a small sacrifice. Then when you set up your new life you come back and pick it up. It requires a bit of expense but it sounds like there is stuff you could use.

mind you they never ever invite him to their birthdays or any lunches, never ever invited him out on his birthday and never ever gave him a birthday present).

Jakers, they really hate him. What did he do to them, what kind of a man have you landed yourself with?

I don’t see the distance thing working. He won’t go for it because he wants you there, looking after him. Can you pack in the guise of tidying/sorting, and then when all is ready have a removals van come to collect your furniture and so on, perhaps when he is out at work or wherever he might go? You could have a storage unit ready booked and then when you are settled in your home country, arrange for delivery of your possessions then.

I think he might be spiteful about your stuff if you leave it with him, honestly.

Have you any finances to just order a removals company and tell him you’re leaving him?

@justasking111 do you think? they are on very good salaries but never spend a penny. I remember 10 years ago it was his birthday and we went out, I did not know them very well then but I was certain we will treat 'their dad' on his day and guess what I had to foot the bill on my own, they did not chip in. I was mortified. Not even a gesture. No gift nothing, they just joined for a free meal.
He on the other hand always has an excuse why it is ok. Also DC terrible table manners despite mature age, again always excused. You can not make the slightest comment. They are untouchable. I wonder (and genuine do so please do not say why do you even care - I do wonder how is it going to work out for him in his 70s/80s)?

I just don’t understand this op.
you have no sexual relationship,sleep in separate rooms,no commitment,children etc and you are only in your 40’s.
What are you doing in the situation since being in your 30’s with a man who is clearly just your landlord no matter what he said at the beginning.
What about this makes you anything more than a lodger and housekeeper.
Honestly I’m confused how you think this has ever been a relationship?
I don’t mean to be mean but how did you even think that you would marry someone who treats you like this and why would you want to?

Op. All he cares about is his ego and his bloodline. He must have been in heaven having landed himself a woman 20yrs younger. Of course he is putting you off getting a job. Youre meant to believe that he will life forever. Wake up. Ditch him.

@blizymitzy you are not mean - I agree with you. When we met he was like a dream, I was vunerable and fallen for it all, once I lost my money and then work became difficult he started changing, I started doubting myself, my confidence went rapidly down. Pandemic did not help and afterwards it has been relentlessly me trying to pick up jobs for minimum wage. I used to have a job in an art gallery in London with reasonable commute (one of many jobs), it was relevant, made me happy etc so what he did he created a situation where I ended up living so remote (with him) I wasnt able to go to London (too far and too expensive). His work did not suffer.

I am going to create a cv for that market and start testing water, if I get a job I am off. I will be updating on this progress here as you all motivate me here!
I fanticise about closeness with someone who would celebrate me as a woman, have a laugh with me, go places, similar age and culture so we can relate to same things from our childhood.
Now in this I never laugh because the age gap and cultural gap is too big. He just doesnt get me.

One of the PP yesterday left a link here to a job. The job is housekeeper at a very posh stately home. The pay is 40k which self emplyed works out 3300pcm and accomodation is included. I thought this job could rebuild my finances incredibly. The board is in the lodge on the private estate so there is privacy. You work 10h per day and 3h in the afternoon there is a break. Hourse are 6;45am -7pm with that 3h break. I have my own car so that gives me independence. It will be tough. There are dogs there which I am scared of. Someone said yesterday it is basically what i do now but I'd be getting paid.

On the other hand he told me he will pay me 1k next month onwards as he can through business but some of this money must go into the household.
I am not sure I understand him.

You already know in the event of your partner's death, you would have no choice but to move out of the house and that there's no provision for you in his Will. So why isn't it surprising to you that he's not interested in paying into life insurance to help you?! He's consistently shown you that he's not interested in providing you with any financial security, upon his death. You need to start paying a small monthly amount yourself, so that you have something that is yours. Your partner is never going to offer you financial security. He's not interested in marrying you, which would automatically given you some security. The likelihood is, he won't marry you because he doesn't want you having any access to his assets by divorce or death. My honest opinion, is that if your partner thought anything of you at all, on any level, he'd be making sure you had some kind of financial security if he died or he'd marry you.

I do wonder how many women end up in similar situation? or is it rare?

Imagine how difficult it is now to balance the act - on one hand act as if nothing changes whilst the massive shift is already happening. The planning, the realisation, the awakening.
Throught this post here and reading the responses I realised that for a decade that man has completely muted me. I can not have a voice or an opinion. I actually do not really share anything with him.