Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

Beware, he's offering you crumbs to keep you onside. KOKO and stay strong. Don't share with him, he will find a way to ruin it.

@hagimarker
bless you
this has been an abusive relationship the whole time and he has worn you down so much and taken everything from you - money and I’m sure you have little contact with friends and family.
I feel so glad that you started this thread and it obviously has changed from what you originally intended to get help for but I’m so glad that you are seeing things differently and I’m sure that you’re going to be so much happier now that you are able to see a future without him .
really well done!

Please don’t “test the market”. You have decided to go and do so.

the £1000 a month is frankly quite odd. Does he suspect how unhappy you and thinks it will appease you? Why that amount specifically? Don’t trust it !

Not enough for you to save much out of, and it sounds as if he expects you to account for it. Get a job. Find a rental place near the job (assuming you have deposit money). Find a day when he is reliably at work and arrange a removal company to move your stuff either into new rental or into storage. You need to have some money for all this though, so if you have no reserves take what he is offering and build it up until you have. You may have to do some creative accounting. Could you get a job back in Scandinavia? Do you have friends and/or family there where you could couch surf temporarily? Take small things that are meaningful to you and, honestly, kiss the furniture goodbye. There will be other furniture in your future and losing that is the smallest thing you need to wotty about, if it has to happen that way. Getting out of your situation is the most important thing.

I can not tell you how this thread has helped me and as PP said it started as a silly insurance post but ended up being a life changing decision. The very sad thing is I have to come to the Internet and chat to complete strangers to get to this conclusion.

My two friends have been adamant I need to leave but be smart about it. My therapist whom I am in touch for support is of the same opinion.

The thing that hit me the most on this thread is when you said he has no respect for me - no he hasnt. Whenever I ask him for a favour and that be to bring the washing or give me a hand with somthing minor, he always sighs and says 'what now?', even yesterday I told him I was unwell and after hoovering I will not be mopping the floors as I need to lay down, he just left the mop out and it is still there 24h later. A caring partner would say 'ok joney I will do it no problem' not him he needs to make the point that even putting the mop away is beneath him. I notice everything. The way he looks at me with contempt.

I lack confidence and strength and he relies on it.

PP asked about family. I have DM but our relationship has always been difficult. She is very controlling which is a reason I moved abroad. I visit once a year and she is alwasy volatile, critical and only sometimes pleasant fro a short moment. She tries to put a lot of pressure on me now so that I come back and look after her but her vision of that means me being her pushover. Very similar situation to DP. My therapist noticed similarities between DM and DP and that this is triangulation. I am exhausetd because it is always either of them dragging me onto their side. I have no energy left to do what I want to do with my life.

Please do not move close to your DM or the cycle will continue. So sorry you are going through this and hope you have support IRL to start afresh with you as your no. 1 priority.

I realised I only have myself. That is why I allowed it for so long. That is why I am stuck in this trap.

It does sound like you are getting some clarity, now. I spent time alone after an abusive relationship. I did the cliche thing of looking in the mirror and telling myself that I am beautiful inside and out and I love myself. It does work. Once I loved myself I knew my own worth and was able to set standards in how others should treat me. Learn to love yourself - being alone is not a bad thing and is part of your personal growth. When you don't need others, it is easier to see those who will enhance your life and vice versa. Stay strong 💪

Please don’t move back with DM - that sounds like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Do you have friends here or in Scandinavia you could couch surf with while you find a job?

The £1000 per month is through his business, this will save him corporation tax/income tax, and at £1k per month will use up your single person's tax free allowance. So he is thinking that this will save him some tax, make you feel that you have had somethign from him, but as he will probably direct you to spend it on household/shared items, you will not benefit at all. It would be a win win for him. Just leave him when you can, perhaps go back to home country if you think you woudl be happier there, but not too close to DM. Then once settled you can make new friends etc.

Yes, I can not be close to DM as she is very controlling and pushy. I had to reduce my calls with her because she is so passive agressive towards me. Each call she tells me how her friend's or neighbour's daughter and son in law are helping those friends and neighbours, coming over clean flat, take them on holidays and last week I heard how so and so is moving becasue daughter and son in law are buidling them a house to live nearby. These are all toxic digs at me that I have not got a husband, that I do not look after her, that she has nothing to say to them back. Mind you when I was getting married she actually said to me that she will ruin my day as she never liked my husband. He did not like him becasue he alwasy stood up for me even when she tried to hit me. I did not invite her to my wedding. With each man I had a relationship with she would ask the same question 'what do you see in her, she is so useless, you must be blinede by love' I found it nasty and embarassing. No wonder no relationship survived. This thread literally shifted everything within me.
I think I am going to say to her (once things are arranged) that I work for a company and I have sporadic travels but I am between tow locations that way she will not really know where I am even if I am going to be in one place all the time. I can see how mannipulative she is and that she would create drama to have me nearby.

I was about to say this OP , but you have said it yourself - my mum married a guy 10 years younger at around 40 - initially it was fine but after a couple of years it was clear he didn’t want her working ( financially she didn’t need to and had some cash herself as well post divorce) he liked her around buttering a scone ( homemade) when he came in, she could accompany him on fancy trips at the drop of a hat - kept an immaculate home etc - there is a certain type of man that likes being the big cheese in a relationship and is more than happy to keep the woman fairly dependent so she can’t just move on at the drop of a hat and hence is negative about jobs, friends of their partner because underneath it all I think they are aware their partner is being belittled . I think you have sussed this out OP it’s how you go about it. You sound quite a vibrant fun person and deserve better than being someone’s domestic help/nice bit of stuff on their arm. Be honest with yourself if you knew what you now know would you want to be in a relationship with him? would you even pick him as a friend?

Apply for the job. Good luck!

If he takes out a life assurance policy the proceeds wouldn’t come to you unless it was stipulated in his will. The proceeds would go to his next of kin (children). If he has made no provision for you upon his death then I would seriously consider why - it sounds like he doesn’t really care. It’d be make or break for me at that point.

Or the policy was put in Trust for the OP.

just noticed an interesting thread here in the right hand top pannel mentioning life insurance and securing the partner (couple not married) - 'Dying Sisters BF wants her to have his children' (as conceive before he dies, terminal diagnosis). Just proves there are generous loving men out there.

How are you getting on with preparations for leaving, OP?

Looking for work, applying for jobs, no reply. I was actually talking to DP about Linkedin today and he has been dismissive of it as it is 'a waste of time' but I said I can not afford to dismiss any potential opportunity and need to look everywhere. I found that comment really deeply hurtful and devaluating as I am at such low level. For him any job platforms are beneath him because recruiters contact him directly and he is well connected in his industry. I almost feel it is deliberate to make me feel lost and powerless. I do not know why I am even sharing this, I guess I wonder what you may think.

I think you’re right - he thinks if you are lost and powerless you’ll be more likely to stay and nursemaid him in his old age. But I hope you won’t do that. You have plenty of life left yet.

He’s speaking from his frame of reference there isn’t he. Lacking empathy, and being dismissive.
You don’t deserve that. I think LinkedIn is a great platform to find jobs, I regularly look on there and I’ve signed up to job alerts too. Keep going. And keep looking down every avenue. 💪 I believe in you OP 🤗

His agenda is not yours. You're not aligned in your long term needs. Keep on, something will give and things will change, and you'll look back on this time and think 'thank god I persevered'.

You're still young, let him go. He clearly doesn't care too much about you. he probably likes having a younger g/f on his arm and that's about it

I had a chat with few friends (sadly none in the uk) everyone lives abroad but each said the same thing - DP likes control and having young bird on his arm due to insecurity. I have had another terrible day with jobs search and he said nothing, I asked him for help, he says yeah ok but also says his network hasnt got my type of jobs. I explained to him it is about introductions to people, recommendations etc, letting people know. He knew I was crying most day today due to frustration and lack of money and not once he put his arm around me and said 'dont worry, I love you, I will help you' - nothing. I cooked dinner, we ate, I went to my room. Two of my exes stepped in with recruiter contacts, a friend who is far away dropped contacts. Why they want to help and he doesn't? He must love the control of me being dependent, him knowing without money I will not go anywhere and just be here serving and wasting my precious life. Having the privileges of a wife without the cost and commitment. I noticed something recently. He was always saying how his wife never had a job or if she did it was for a short period of time. A bit like me since I have known him. It is ever since then my work problems started. Having said that the moment the ex wife left she has always had a job. I am confused as what is it about being in this that women can not keep a job?

What a selfish horrible person, you need to get out OP -with the age gap does he expect you to wipe his shitty arse one day yet be treated like this ! wow ! glad you are seeing things more clearly in time.