Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

⬆THIS⬆

Yes it is, providing you have an insurable interest, which as a partner you do. The challenge though is that for a mid-60 male term cover would not be cheap.

presumably he’ll be leaving his property/assets etc to his kids. If this was the other way round and you were financially secure with kids and a partner who wasn’t financially secure you’d be told to run for the hills to get rid of the cocklodger.

Why do you expect him to secure your financial future for you, surely that is your job to do.

Lol are you seriously asking why a 50 something bloke who's kids don't want anything to do with him and is selfish and shallow jumped at the chance to hook up with a child free recent divorcee who had little money or assets and would be completely dependent on him, over a 50 something woman who most likely had stopped giving 2 fucks about men, had her own children and interests and meant he couldn't boast to his friends about how he pulled a woman 20 years younger? He's using you to boost his ego. He couldn't give a toss about you after he's dead.

Yes. I took one out in my DH many years ago - he’s still around though 😂

It’s an ego boost and you were easy to manipulate. Not being harsh , I hope you can get out and make a good life.

If you drop down dear tomorrow, what is the value of your estate? Maybe he’s pointing out that your estate is of no value?

Imagine he needs care. Are you going to nurse him and look after him ?

You've not sold your relationship to me so cut your losses and leave the cc selfish man to his own devices.

If there's no intimacy or respect then bin him iffm stand in your own feet.

He sounds like a bit of a twat but you both entered into a relationship with expectations. Yours were around him providing financial security for you and his were for companionship, sex, whatever. You presumably live in his house, so have had a while to work on your own financial security, which is your responsibility, not his really. If you were a man people would be shouting "cocklodger".

If you aren't getting what you want then you need to find someone to give it to you (financial security - if that's what you want from a relationship) or you need to build your own.

Assuming the house you live in is paid off there is actually no need for him to have life assurance, that’s a red herring. What you do need is a frank discussion on right to live in the house and his will. As an example we own as tenants in common with lifetime residency, he could in his will give you lifetime residency or 5 years or whatever. Dh’s DD get x pounds, I get the residual. My will is the opposite except because I have far less currently my money goes to dc but i have parents alive with assets so this could change

Is there anything positive about this man?

Dump him OP and start looking after yourself, because he certainly doesn't care about what happens to you. In 10 years he hasn't married you or protected you in any way.
When someone tells you who they are, listen.

If I remember, you can if you have something called 'an insurable interest'.
It sounds like the OP will be destitute as she earns very little

Not much else to add from other posters but he's showing you consistently his disregard for you. After 10 years of it you have to bear some blame for remaining in the situation.

You need to make plans...not tell him or prepare him. At least leave the situation on your own terms

OP, I have read through all your posts back to back - it’s very useful to do this to get a full picture of what’s going on. Here’s my summary.
You met your DP (who’s 20 years older than you) when you were in your late 30s. For some undisclosed reason you had no money. You live in his house. Your job pays very little. So in real terms you’re financially dependent on him. Some people would say that you saw the opportunity to get yourself a man who would fund your lifestyle so you could continue with your arty job.
You believed you would get married - but it’s never happened. You have separate bedrooms, don’t have sex anymore but you’re still bothered about not being married. This shows that actually you’re more like companions than partners.
You believe his money / house would go to his DC when he dies - you’re not happy that this would make you homeless. However, you don’t seem to have made any financial decisions over the past 10 years to ensure that when he does die you’d have the means to buy your own property. What have you done with your money these past 10 years?
For those who are commenting about how awful a person he is and that he’s stringing you along, if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying that a man who is financially relying on his girlfriend to fund his lifestyle is a cocklodger and that the woman should absolutely not marry him in order to protect her own money.
OP, you’re a grown woman who has forgotten how to take responsibility for her own financial status. Now you’re panicking about the future.

Whilst she could say ‘look at me, I have this wealthy older man on my arm who will leave me all his money when he dies’

I agree with PP that you should have built your own financial security. My dad has a partner of 7 years - she is desperate to get married and he does not want to. This has always been the case as far as I am aware. His will has his money mostly going to his children, so similar to your partner here. If he married her and left it to her, then if he died first then there’s no assurance we would inherit anything - as our only parent, I’m not sure that’s fair (should there be anything left after care etc) when she could simply give it all to her own children this way. My dad has left her a small amount tied into a property for her, so she has something (it’s a property abroad they plan to move to full time), but when I asked him whether she could buy us out, he had no idea. My brother and I will be selling this property when dad dies and we will give her the cash for her share if she can’t, but it’s also not our responsibility to make sure she can - it’s hers, she needs to ensure she can afford to live somewhere. Essentially, I think it is messy in later relationships like this, and my advice on either side would be not to get married. I hope my dad doesn’t! I know he loves her though and does care, he’s just the type to bury his head in the sand. Is your partner like this?

Nonetheless, you should be able to have conversations about money (inc life insurance) freely in any relationship. Life insurance would make sense but as others have said, very expensive as you age. I’m in my 30s, our joint life insurance for me and SH is over £100 to cover our house and lifestyle should one of us die. It’s important for us to have though as we can’t afford the house without it - plus it pays off the house and gives the other partner the salary of the deceased partner every month until remarriage or retirement.

it does sound like you resent this man, and only you can decide what your relationship is like OP. Good luck

OP, it sounds like the only thing you are getting out of this ‘relationship’ is a roof over your head.
He could well live for another 20 years.
Is this going to be your story?

Leave now and start building a life for yourself. You are young and have plenty of time to build a financially secure future for yourself and DC. Don’t stay because it’s comfortable. He isn’t going to change his mind, he’s been very clear about it. You could take insurance out on him but do you really want to stay with someone that has so little regard for you.

Well, he is going to die, statistically at 82, when you will only be 62 - and you will likely have to care for him for some years in his decline.

His will should set up a life interest trust to provide for your continued accommodation in case of his death - otherwise frankly, he is not caring about you, not providing for you, and does not love you.

You are going to provide some of the last good young years of your life to an old man who is going to die way ahead of you and leave you high and dry.

You are 40, still young, get out now, find a decent man in his 40's who can grow old with you.

But OP lookinf at it from HIS point of view, surely if he is financially secure there is no “his bit” to pay, he doesn’t need to insure your life?

How much would you actually need if he died to buy yourself somewhere to live (not knowing what part of the country you are in). Insuring the life of a 60+ man is going to be massively expensive- much more than the £400 a month quoted up thread.

i think your best bet is to make your own financial provision, which you’ll have whether you stay together, split up, or he lives to a ripe old age.

Re life insurance - it becomes more expensive the older the person gets of course. I know of a quote for someone in their 70s quoted £700+ a month. And that was a few years ago.

OP i'm not defending this man, but as an observation, you talk an awful lot about what you want to get out of this relationship, but you haven't gone into much detail about what you've put in.

What has your contribution been over the last ten years?

Don't put off leaving this man any longer. He doesn't care about you. There is no relationship as such. Move out and look after yourself.

You are young enough and will meet someone else right for you or better to stay single then to be with this man. You need to plan for your own future without him in the picture. He is totally selfish.

Better to leave now before he gets unwell and then guilt trips you into being his free carer. Let's face it, that's probably why he wanted to be with a much younger woman and slowly over the years has destroyed your confidence and made you dependant on him financially.

Age 60 is too old for insurance, just stash as much as you can away you have to secure your own future .

Does he work & pay into a work pension, because this may include a "death inservice payment"

The same fir you, do you pay into a work pension ?