Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

I have joint life cover with my husband (but we were not married when we took it out). It pays 200k on the first death (doesn't pay out on the second death). It expires when my husband, who is a couple of years older than me, is 72. We both had to fill in forms but I pay for it from my account. Probably because we took it out both healthy and in our 20s it is only £20 odd each month.

You could probably get your partner to agree to joint cover with you because he will see £££ for himself if you die.

As a previous poster has said cover for someone of 60 will probably be expensive. I imagine it would only cover you for the short term or offer a low payout as obviously when someone is 70+ there is a fair risk of them dying and if the policy covers indefinitely then death is a certainty at some point!

In your last post though you sound very unhappy in your relationship so if there is something you can do to change your situation do. You deserve to be happy.

I wouldn’t say that he’s selfish (in the estate planning regard). I have two children and would do exactly the same if DH and I divorced and I met someone new later in life. I would never remarry. My assets are for my children. Any life insurance would be for my children.

That said, it doesn’t sound like there is much passion in your relationship (separate bedrooms/lack of compliments etc). If you aren’t happy, what are you waiting for?

He doesn’t love you, dump him and move on

I can’t think of one single good reason why you should stay with this selfish, uncaring man. He doesn’t give a toss about you!

I bet he doesn’t want you to do a carer’s role because he’d rather you were at home cooking for him, regardless of your own security, and given the age difference there’s a reasonable likelihood you’ll actually become his carer at some point and have that joy in return for being thrown out of his house immediately following,

PP triggered something I forgot about. Names on things. A year or so ago we had a light conversation but I admit I was curious and testing water. Decade together and I asked of next of kin and who has he got. He said 'of course my DC' and walked out, he did not ask who I have. He did not suggest we should have each other. Considering he sees his DC once a year (they live 30 minutes away) and they call him names behind his back, it is interesting set up. I did not continue the topic. He never asked who I have as my next of kind.

And further to another PP - no there is no passion, I can be top to toe in lingerie or walk around naked, he doesnt see me. I get back from hairdresser with beautiful curls, he doesnt notice. Strangers do but he doesnt. I am invisible.

yes I fear leaving @Surveille222 and it is the fear that keeps me frozen. I don't have anyone whom I can talk about this

Asking why you haven't been building your own security is VERY relevant.

You've made certain decisions that have culminated in you looking to a man to provide you with something that is your OWN responsibility to do take care ofespecially you're not in a legal partnership with your OH.

After 5 years when commitment wasn't forthcoming, you should have walked.

You still have time, you're not some hapless, hopeless or helpless damsel. Walk away and start to build your life for you.

''look at me I have this woman on my arm'.

you missed a bit: 'look at me I have this considerably younger woman on my arm'.

@Amuseaboosh harsh as it sounds you are right, in all honesty timing was very bad hence i did not leave when I should have. I was naive and yes it is my fault I am stuck however if we get back purely to 'let's look after each other part' specially that marriage was discussed early on, this is not right. He is selfish.

i think all he wants is a female companion to cook, clean and just be around

Those cost money.

What do you pay to live in his house. Do you contribute to the bills

I would initially look at where is more cheaper to live. With him or on your own in a small rented place.

I would be getting what ever jobs you can and selling anything you don’t use anymore and stash away as much cash as you can.
I would keep any inheritance away from him He doesn’t get to receive anything given his attitude towards you.

Put away as much money as you can and look at maybe going to an auction to buy a place outright.

You don’t want what he is offering. Which, given his age and the fact he sounds already like he is impotent which is a sign that things aren’t working correctly is homelessness.

If he is paying all the bills and you can stash away as much money as you can then do that but if it is costing you more than the rental and bills on a studio flat then leave and have a goal in mind to get your own place. Even if it is just a rundown studio with a shortish lease that needs work so was going cheap at an auction that you can renovate. Extend the lease and sell at a profit in a year or 2 and then buy the next and the next.

thank you - much appreciated and needed - today all the above are reasons why I am passive but your comment about 'false security' is valid - I am not any less secure if I leave - makes sense.

Oh my goodness op you’re only in your 40s. Leave!!

but here is the thing - why bother me a decade ago? he could have had someone his age, relatable, adult DC, similar interests, etc...

Yes, you are right to think that this man is simply not that into you.

@Surveille222 I agree you are on point. He never asks about my job search, never offers to help with looking or connections but happily gloats about who contacted him about a job if he wanted. Only talks about himself, his salary, him.

But it doesn't matter anymore. What are you gaining with the validation from strangers confirming that he is a cunt! We can all agree to that, it doesn't change your circumstances one bit.

Rely only on yourself. Leave him and do not ever get into any other relationships with the same expectations. His DC will rightly inherit, irrelevant of how often he sees them. Your housing and financial security is solely on you. Love and value yourself enough to ensure.that you are safe, warm and adequately/independently housed for your future.

You are capable, leave this loser, take control and stop being a doormat.

I'm a family law practitioner and am sick to death of dealing with passive 'woe is me' women who let dickhead men use them, KNOW they are being used but do nothing to help themselves until it's too late.

You've got bigger balls than him, trust me - you just don't know it yet.

Why are you reliant on him if no children? Are you not in a position to support yourself financially?

Leave him and do not ever get into any other relationships with the same expectations. @Amuseaboosh THIS - expectations. You are right. I appreciate your frustration - I am actually getting angry with myself. I am passive and a doormat. The guy is laughing internally. What a great deal he has.

He is not trustworthy and caring - you are right. I am certain he would change the beneficiaries the following day. All this and more is not really the point. From just reading this here all evening I am thinking - it is about us not building anything together, no trust, no friendship, no family, no future nothing. In a decade! The thing that bugs me now is how he was always talking to me about how much his pension is worth and how I should know because I will benefit from it. He only stopped when I challenged him that I am not his wife so no benfit to me. His logic however was that if he draws his pension I get to eat from it. I said to him fair enough but you get me for free preparing the food we would eat and clean afterwards. Odd. I can see it all now through your eyes.