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Original poster

Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

278 replies

hagimarker · 28/08/2025 21:39

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 29/08/2025 02:14

Leave, Op.
Find a job as a carer, live in, that offers good pay as well.
It might be in the home of one wealthy person or in a share home.
Your life would not change, except that you would be earning money and some one might appreciate you.

Original poster
hagimarker · 29/08/2025 02:19

Thing that amuses me in all this is that he clearly had a plan and he thought it was a good one.. Keeping me around through false promises, through knocking down my confidence slowly. Now he is at the stage there is absolutely nothing he can do to keep me so for all this planning it will end up backfiring at him.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 29/08/2025 02:47

I’ve just read your posts @hagimarker and am pleased you are seeing with clarity.

call me petty but, seeing as he doesn’t discuss things with you, I wouldn’t bother discussing things with him. Just get organised and, one day, pull out your suitcase and start packing in front of him. (FGS, get your paperwork out of the house first).

”Oh, yes. I’m leaving. Well, you don’t care for me so I decided to not care for you.” Or just have the removalists van pull into the driveway - whatever fits.

But I don’t mind being petty.

Bigcat25 · 29/08/2025 03:24

Lmnop22 · 28/08/2025 22:05

Of course he doesn’t plan to die, none of us do!

What’s telling here is that he does not seem to care enough about you to ensure your financial security even in the short term if he were to die. That’s his right but it’s a little cold for a long term partner in my opinion!

I would be focusing on building as much as you can alone - pay into pensions, get a nest egg building if you can, retrain and go for promotions and really try to build your finances yourself and come to terms (if you can) with the fact he simply doesn’t want you having any of his assets at all

Show quote history

I don't agree with that. We'll all die and many of us make a plan or will. Sometimes you get people in denial who don't do any future planning.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2025 03:28

OP your posts are all about him and what he hasn’t done. Why the hell would you want to stay in such an unfulfilling relationship?

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’ve concluded that the best you could get from this situation ship is long term financial security and you’ve belatedly realised that the financial security on offer, is only what you currently enjoy.

Stay or don’t stay OP but you need to be honest with yourself, it sounds like you’re being pragmatic and have stayed in this situation ship because you can’t financially support yourself on your own.

Bigcat25 · 29/08/2025 03:36

CopperWhite · 28/08/2025 22:53

If he gets married, he sacrifices his children’s inheritance. Personally, I don’t think that’s fair on them and most parents naturally want to ensure that anything they have to leave benefits their children.

He was wrong to to lead you to believe that he wanted marriage and financial commitment, but he’s not wrong for wanting to protect his children’s inheritance. It’s what many women do and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t love their partners.

It's ok to share inheritance with a spouse. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and

I think that''s very fair. My inlaw has remarried and they have worked hard to build a life together. I don't know if my spouse will inherit anything from them, nor is it my business.

Tablesandchairs23 · 29/08/2025 03:59

He showed you early in the relationship you weren't a priority. You chose to stay. It's up to you to provide for your own future.

tamade · 29/08/2025 04:13

hagimarker · 29/08/2025 00:15

i think all he wants is a female companion to cook, clean and just be around. we have not been intimate for years, it is all off. He only gets excited when he goes out with me as if I play a role, a show off - 'look at me I have this woman on my arm'. Even when I am dressed up he is never flirtatious with me, there is never any playfulness, I can be dressed up and he will not say 'you look lovely'. All because 'you always look lovely so why do i need to say it'. we get home after an evening each goes to their bedroom and thats it. show over.

You deserve better than this.

Even if you had some security like insurance or marriage or to be included in his will: you would still not be in a loving relationship You need to cut your losses and move on don't waste any more years. It may be difficult and uncomfortable for a while but you will be thankful sooner than you realise

Braygirlnow · 29/08/2025 04:15

If you are going to leave, don't tell him, if you do then he will control the time line.
You should say nothing but while you are living there try and save as much as you can, get a job any job that gives a regular income and you still have what your art brings in. Put everything into your savings if he asks that you use that money you tell him you are saving it to bring him on holiday or some such excuse, just save as much as possible while there then when you find somewhere to live tell him your leaving then be gone and don't look back! Good luck.

Nestingbirds · 29/08/2025 04:33

hagimarker · 29/08/2025 02:19

Thing that amuses me in all this is that he clearly had a plan and he thought it was a good one.. Keeping me around through false promises, through knocking down my confidence slowly. Now he is at the stage there is absolutely nothing he can do to keep me so for all this planning it will end up backfiring at him.

Now you know he has been using you. Choose your next chapter and use your set up there as a launch pad. Go and find a job, the best one you can find and start saving every penny.

Stay there for now as it helps you but on your teens now. Don’t discuss your job with him or your life. You don’t need his permission or validation. Build good friendships instead, strong networks. Hobbies and a life separate to him. You are in a precarious position, he could throw you out at any time. So use this time wisely by preparing for your own future as he really doesn’t care about you. The less you need him the better. He only cares about himself, there is no room for you op. You can choose to take care of yourself and make a plan for your own future.

Earthbound4 · 29/08/2025 05:24

Nobody is forcing you to stay. In fact he is literally telling you he does not care what happens to you.

Get some self respect. Leave. Work on making yourself financially stable.

Gymbunny2025 · 29/08/2025 05:52

I think he wants a younger woman to have all the benefits of a relationship with (plus care as he ages) with none of the responsibilities as he won’t marry you.

you seem to want/need his financial security.

both are terrible reasons to stay together so just leave!

Viviennemary · 29/08/2025 06:05

I think you need to build your own financially security. Why does he need to provide for you. I just don't get this way of thinking.

Hatwontfit · 29/08/2025 06:09

At least you can see what's happening. He is wanting a woman on his arm to look good and to do the chores and look after him but gives nothing more than a roof over your head in return.

Save up and move out. You are young. You could have a great life ahead with someone else who treats you as an equal.

Seriously who wants to spend the next 20 years looking after a selfish old man for a few crumbs of affection? You could have a better life than this. I say this as someone nearing 60. What is there for you in this relationship?

chatgptsbestmate · 29/08/2025 06:13

hagimarker · 29/08/2025 02:01

Leave him and do not ever get into any other relationships with the same expectations. @Amuseaboosh THIS - expectations. You are right. I appreciate your frustration - I am actually getting angry with myself. I am passive and a doormat. The guy is laughing internally. What a great deal he has.

He really does have a very good deal. And you really don't.

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 29/08/2025 06:22

Your gonna be wiping his ass in a few years and when you have cared for him and looked after him and he dies his kids will kick you out without a thank you

your young
leave and start again

Nestingbirds · 29/08/2025 06:24

You are definitely being lined up as an unpaid carer. That’s why he doesn’t want you to work. The most selfish, entitled man.

ChaToilLeam · 29/08/2025 06:26

He sounds selfish and awful and this is no kind of relationship. He'll expect you to care for him but when he dies you'll have nothing.

Use him like he has used you. Stay there for now, get a job, gather some savings, enough to get a roof over your head and some months rent. Then just go and never look back.

FancyNewt · 29/08/2025 06:30

What has been the arrangement until now in terms of your financial contributions? Who pays what for food, holidays , going out, clothes, just general living expenses?

ThatAquaRobin · 29/08/2025 06:32

He's too.old.
He will need care (from you)
Leave now - there's literally nothing here for you.

banananas1999 · 29/08/2025 06:39

hagimarker · 28/08/2025 21:39

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

Easy, he has children who come above any other relationship. Take it as if something happens to him,you will be left with nothing everything goes to his kids-make plans for yourself.

SparklyGlitterballs · 29/08/2025 06:49

Your 'D'P obviously has the benefits in this relationship OP. He has a woman c.15 years younger on his arm when he goes out. At home he has an unpaid housekeeper. Meanwhile he doesn't have to worry about losing a penny in a divorce and can leave his assets to his ungrateful DC.

Don't be afraid of leaving. Be afraid of staying. You're still relatively young and could find someone else who does love and appreciate you. The longer you remain with this selfish prick, the more of your life you're giving away. There's a whole new, exciting world out there for you. I feel if you stay in this situation (can't even call it a relationship) then your regret will overwhelm you as the years pass.

Limer · 29/08/2025 06:50

I think you've made the right decision to ditch him, OP.

But if you were planning on staying, life insurance isn't a great idea, you'd almost certainly pay more in than you'd receive.

If your DP was a decent man, you would be able to have a calm conversation with him about this. The best solution would be for him to leave you something in his will - ideally a lump sum that would help set you up on the event of his death. And for him to make you the sole beneficiary of his private pension.

Left · 29/08/2025 07:12

Sounds like your eyes are open OP.

Congrats on the job, please ignore him belittling it! If I was in your shoes I’d use my time to start quietly building a “fuck off fund”, and be counting down to freedom.

JWhipple · 29/08/2025 07:13

GardenGaff · 28/08/2025 21:46

Why haven’t you built your own security?

This. Also why is life insurance "coming up naturally" in all previous relationships, but hasn't in ten years with this one?