Relationship and life insurance odd behaviour

[hagimarker]

My DP is mid 60s I am late 40s. We have been together 10 years. He has DC I don't and no DC together. I wanted to get married, he knew it but it never happened and now I know it won't. He is financially secure, I am not as my work has always been freelance (nature of the arts industry). Every now and then I suggest we start paying towards life insurance mainly because if something happens to him I end up homeless. We do not own a property together. Every time I bring up the topic he gets agressive and combative. It has never been 'of course let's do it and give you the peace of mind'. In my previous long term relationships the topic of life insurance has always come up early on and naturally. Simply a clear message 'I care and want to make sure we are looked after'. Here is not the case and I am puzzled as why after a decade together we've build nothing, not even a sense of safety in case of a crisis. Am I missing something?

It seems like no relationship. You get a room, which I guess you pay for? He gets company, which he doesn't get from his kids. That's it.

OP I have read your story thinking of my parents/parent friends in their late 80s to mid 90s. If and when he gets to that age, something that is happening to many people nowadays, you will still likely be active in your mid 60s. He is setting himself up for an unpaid and live in carer. I would not want that scenario unless it was for someone who I loved passionately and who loved and respected me in return.

If he really cared about you it would not be difficult for him to write a will leaving his property to his children but allowing you to live in it for the rest of your life. This would not leave you homeless. He has not made such plans, instead he has prioritized his offspring who don’t sound particularly caring either.

He has not given any thought to your future. It is time for you to do so instead. It sounds as if you don’t need to do anything hasty - your safety is not a concern - but you need to make plans with a time frame (such as that by the new year you will have new horizons). You already have secured employment. Being a carer is a fulfilling career. At least you will be paid for it rather than ending up having to do it unpaid for your housemate who clearly does not love you.

I don’t think this should be a deal breaker and somewhat surprised by the selfish comments about him in here. When I lived with my partner joint house we tried taking out life insurance as mentioned when we took out a mortgage but no policy would cover him privately, other than death in service work I never pressured him further. You should be building your own financial security not relying on others.

But why would OP want to do all of the wife work without any of the benefits?

This is so true but if you can support yourself you should leave. You’re still relatively young and it sounds like your life is pretty miserable. You owe yourself a better life.

Sort out your own
Job
Financial security for today & the future

Well, she’s had the benefit of living in his house for the last ten years, with no mention of her contributing financially to that and a lot of vague statements about arty careers and life taking turns that meant she ‘couldn’t’ provide for herself. We know what a man who was in her position would be called on here.

That’s a lot of assumptions

Late 40s! Leave and start again. He cares zero for you.

He is selfish there is no doubt. Time to get rid but you also need to pull up your socks, get a secure job and start saving for a house and pension. One thing he isn't responsible.for is your insecure career unless there is a back story

Aside from the money issue, it sounds as though this is generally an unhappy relationship - no intimacy, no togetherness and from him (apparently) no concern about the future of his significantly younger partner. It’s a cliche to say it but to me, actions always speak louder than words.

From my understanding, yes you can take out a life insurance policy on someone else but I believe you need to be able to demonstrate a dependency and that you’d experience a financial loss upon their death. My friend has been living with her partner for a few years and he’d understandably like his house to go to his children. He’s made legal provision for her to live in the house for up to a year if he dies first and while she has some savings she also took out an insurance policy ‘just in case’. He was fully supportive of the idea as I think most caring partners would be.

So for you, you’d likely be able to amply prove that you have a financial dependence but for the amount you’d need, the monthly costs would likely be steep.

Having said that, this sounds like such a lonely relationship, if it were me, I’m not sure I’d want to be in it. In your late 40s, you’ve still got so much more living to do and you deserve to do that with someone who is kind and supportive.

Start getting a more secure life for yourself and end this relationship . Maybe even a younger , more kind man?

I don’t know you but gosh, you can do so much better than that relationship wise!

I do think there is some relevance to the questions PP have asked about your own present financial situation, though: if you do not earn enough to house yourself and support your current material standard of living, then you are, in effect, financially dependent on him at present..

That is the problem you need to solve in order to have real freedom to stay or to go You can solve it either by accepting a lower material standard of living that incorporates whatever housing you can provide for yourself on your current income, or by getting a higher and more stable source of income, or most likely a combination of both.

In the end you would probably have to work more paid hours doing something you mightn’t enjoy, and live in a smaller home, but on the other hand you will stop doing unpaid hours to clean a house that is not yours and to cook for a man who does not treat you with affection and respect, and you will create the space for deeper friendships and perhaps even another partner who will make you feel good instead of feeling used.

I was going to suggest the same. It may indeed be possible if you can prove you have an insurable interest in him, I.e. a reason to need cover on him.

Call up some companies and ask them.

You are his flat mate. I can't see where you've paid rent or bills so you've benefitted from that? When he dies you will be evicted and you could be much older by then. So far you've sleepwalked into this.

The good news is you are still young enough to start again. I would leave even to a house share and start building my own financial security.

Even if you stay it will get worse.

You sound as though you are asking permission to leave him. I freely give you permission to go. Pack your things, find a room in a shared house somewhere and start building your life up the way YOU want it. This man isn't even a companion to you.

Life insurance for someone in their 60s without a mortgage is going to be extortionate. I’m not sure he needs that. What he does need to do is decide if he wants to provide anything to you on the occasion of his death. And if the answer is no, he wants you on the streets with no money and no property then I think you need to realise he doesn’t care about you. And then you can make a decision about whether to stay (and make a plan for yourself) or leave.

Leave him @hagimarker. It doesn't sound as if he has any redeeming qualities or as if the relationship is good in any other ways to make up for his extreme thoughtlessness and selfishness. He just wants a much younger woman to show off about and do his housework. If his DC don't care about him or bother with him (why not?), he would be left with no one if you do leave. You are far younger so can start again much more easily.

He is not the one for you and never will be. He is showing you who he is. Enquire into insuring his life with you as the only beneficiary.

Reality check & apologies for sounding harsh - you need to build your own security
Relationship ends / he passes away & your worldly belongings will be in bin bags & you will be on the council doorstep presenting as homeless

When you were late 30's and he was mid 50's and people warned you against the age gap, this is the type of thing they meant.

You would be better off leaving your partner and caring for your elderly relative so you get an inheritance. (Only if your relative wants you to of course).

Last time I checked you could take out a life insurance policy on another person's life if you could show you would suffer a loss/ detriment if they died. So you could take out a policy on him without him knowing about it. But you'd have to pay for it yourself.

if you can't make a living doing what you want to do, why haven't you retrained to do something that does pay? That's what most of us do. Why have you chosen dependency on other people and the state, rather than independence? Time to get your act together.

He probably has life Insurance that will be going to his DC.
I don't say this to be unkind but I don't think you are owed any security from him. I think women (or men but its usually women) who take a career hit to raise children deserve financial security from the other parent. As you haven't raised his DC, it was on you to make yourself financially secure.
If you were a man and we were talking about a woman leaving everything to her DC rather than her partner who wasn't father of the children I don't think anyone would think the woman was wrong.
The sensible thing to do would be to purchase a home together so you have the rights to stay there when he passes away.

There's a lot we're not being told