Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

I am so sorry, I know you want to believe the version of him you thought you knew but you have to accept that that was only ever part of the story. There have been multiple and ongoing affairs for years, as well as attempts at others. You cannot trust this man. Anyone who can treat you like that cannot love you properly. Please do yourself a favour and get out of this awful relationship before you get hurt further. People like that do not think of anyone but themselves. He will tell you whatever you want to hear so you stay but it will only be lies, like the rest of it has all been.

I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

There’s your answer. Right there.

He wasn't sorry when you didn't know. This was organised, calculated and sustained over a long period of time. That takes effort. This wasn't a one off or an accident. He's got agency. He could have stopped and he didn't. No, this one won't change. Moving won't solve a thing, I'm afraid.

I’m sorry. This is unforgivable.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear that. Must be devastating for you especially with a new baby to look after. You can't change him. You know what you need to do. What he has done is so disrespectful towards you. The trust has gone too. What is left. The time he has spent on these other women, he should have been supporting you. How incredibly selfish of him. We're not talking a one off situation here either. Don't waste anymore of your time, energy and emotions on this man, you deserve better.

This !

Come on, OP, you know this is absolutely unforgiveable. You're worried about him if you leave him? Do you really think this isn't a man who will always put himself first? You even acknowledge he'll put his own wants above his baby daughter's.

Honestly, you need to dump him immediately. Why on earth should you have to move hundreds of miles away to keep him away from sex workers? Do you really think he wouldn't find similar women there?

Speak to your friends. Shine a light on everything. He's absolutely relying on you to keep quiet about this. You really shouldn't. If you do, he will be telling people it's your fault, anyway. Tell them first.

What's your financial and housing situation?

This!

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I would go with my head on this and leave. How would you ever be able to believe a word he says ever again?

how would you feel if your child was in a relationship like this when they are older? I’m sure you wouldn’t be telling them to stay.

You are the incubator and skivvy who pops his kids out and keeps house.

The other women are for fun.

None of you are real people to him, to be able to actually do this he must have zero respect for women. Zero.

Obviously he will tell you any old shit to keep his nice comfy setup. Lying has worked up to now, so he will keep on with different lies.

Open your eyes, find your anger, cut this piece of shit out of your life.

Sorry OP I know you’re in turmoil but this isn’t a one off mistake or error of judgement - he’s a serial lying cheating cunt who pays women for sex on a regular basis and is only sorry he got caught.

He’s a repulsive human being and you need to get yourself and your DC as far away from this POS as possible.

He won’t change this is who he is - he’s disgusting. He’ll just get better at hiding his relentless cheating and lying.

Its not an accident you’re significantly younger - it’s a power imbalance and it gives him the public persona he wants people to believe he is.

I’d never be able to trust him ever again, it wasn’t just a moment of mistake, this was calculated and though about.

imagine if one of these sex workers was your daughter how would you feel ? He has no respect for any woman.

I know you have a baby with this man but OP, no no no, a guy like this is never going to be trustworthy, that is just ridiculously unacceptable behavior. He betrayed you in so many different ways. This is not salvageable

What an absolute bastard. I doubt he’s capable of change. If he were then he should have ended all these relationships when he found someone who loved him and who he didn’t have to pay.
He’s had his cake, eaten and gone back for seconds, thirds and fourths. Where you are in that isn’t clear.
Please value yourself and your dd and get your ducks in a row.
You have seen him for what he is.

Imagine that he must have been seeing them when you were heavily pregnant. That he must have come in from meeting them and held your baby.
That he has to pay three prostitutes, not only one.
Could you even stand to be near him?

He will never change. Hes just sorry he got caught, theres probably more to the story than hes letting on.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

What he has done is unforgivable. Cheating with so many women and giving them so much of his time and attention (and money) is another level of arsehole. He’s not the man he has conned you into believing he is.

And you have a daughter - what an awful role model of a man - think what you would say to your daughter in the future if a man treated her the way you have been treated.

The deceit is huge - the quantity of photos and videos is off the scale, the level of cheating is ridiculous. He is not a good man. Women are objects to him, they aren’t people. Leave him, please.

I virtually never say LTB and I don't think I need to now, either. Because you know what to do.

Apart from anything else, he risked your health. He was regularly seeing these women, who were also shagging other men. Have you had a sexual health check since you found out?

I'm a therapist and I work with couples. I've seen a lot of couples who tried to overcome infidelity. And although I think everyone deserves to choose their own response, whether to stay or to go, I can maybe share some patterns I've recognised.

There are so many different ways to cheat, and also many different reasons for continuing to cheat.
There's the impulse cheater. The one who gets drunk and ends up in bed with someone else, regrets it immensely and most likely confesses quickly because they can't live with the guilt (they are equally impulsive to confess as they were to cheat).
They are often forgiven more easily because the partner realises the cheating had nothing to do with them or the quality of their relationship. There is no love involved, no long-term scheming, no double life. The trust in the cheaters ability for self control is damaged, but not the trust in their authenticity and transparency.

Then there's the 'I don't know how I ended up here' cheater. They didn't set out to cheat, but they also didn't stop it from progressing. Whether it was someone at the gym, at work, the wife of a friend, ... Doesn't matter. They were getting attention and they never turned around and said no. It grew and escalated. They often have a feeling of being in too deep to turn back and there's also the fear that if they pull the plug now the affair partner will inform the wife. They don't neccessarily like keeping secrets, but they are worried about your reaction so they keep quiet. And the worse their behaviour gets, the deeper they dig themselves into their web of lies. They are often relieved when their partner finds out. They are finally free of the lies.

Finally, there's the cheater with a plan.
He's going to cheat and he's going to find a way to do it. He hasn't even met anyone yet, but his plan is already unfolding. He keeps other social media accounts, e-mailadresses or phone numbers. He's meticulous and has thought of everything. He starts working on his alibi's months in advance, so that when the time comes and he needs time away from home, he won't have to look for excuses. He will take any and every opportunity. It's not about impulse and it's not about falling in love. It's something much deeper. It's part of him. He likes the secrets and he likes getting away with it. It's his personal addiction.

I know your boyfriend is trying to sell to you that he's number two.
He's actually most likely the third category.

What does your future with him look like?
Well, he's going to be patient, win back your trust, and start working on his next plan to start cheating again. And this time he will have learned from his mistakes, so he won't get caught again.

He put you at risk of god know what STD’s before, during and after you were pregnant with your baby, how can you come back from that.
You could never trust him again he has consistently lied to you for years, that is the “real” him there is no nicer faithful him for you to love.
Unless you plan to live in a cave in the Scottish Highlands with no phone signal or internet and he’s lost the ability to walk or drive he’ll do it again.

Can men like this change?
I genuinely believe people can change. I don’t agree with once a cheat always a cheat but this level of deception is hard to say if someone like that would change. I could never forgive what he has done. He hasn’t just cheated on you. He’s lied and betrayed you for years. It’s all been well planned and thought out. He isn’t sorry about what he’s done he’s sorry he got caught.

Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
You probably can love someone and do this to them however he didn’t love you enough to not to do. He certainly doesn’t respect you.

Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?
No. He was in that cycle because he chose to be. At any point he could have blocked people, deleted pictures and dating sites yet he didn’t so no it’s not plausible he got caught up in a cycle. He wanted to do what he did

Great post.

I knew someone who was definitely number 3 - he deliberately worked away from home as it gave him so many opportunities to cheat and to lie to both women.

He's not sorry, he's sorry he got found out.
The lack of respect for you and your feelings, the lack of respect for women in general, the devious behaviour, it's all really shit.
I know you can't see the wood for the trees right now but honestly, run for the hills.
What a massive fucking bastard he is.
Find your anger.

People can change but I would find all that he has done already more than enough to not given him an opportunity to fool me one more time.

I was 15 years into my relationship when I discovered my then partner was cheating with a co-worker. I was struggling with depression at that time due to childhood abuse, he said that's why he cheated, he felt "abandoned" by me. So I did everything I could to save the relationship, to make up for my failing. He swore up and down he was done with the other woman. Over the following three years I discovered he had cheated with various sex workers, had joined 27 no strings attached hook up sites over an 18 month period, and (drumroll please) had applied to audition to be an adult video actor. The icing on the cake was when the other woman showed up at my home two evenings on the trot to confront me about something or other, I still don't know. Her parting shot was she knew how I felt as her husband had been unfaithful.

They don't change OP, they promise the world when caught but think we're thick as shit for staying and trying, the harder we try the more distain they have for us.

You can't trust this man, you know he won't be an involved dad, would you want this for your little girl? Please tell family and friends, let them hold you and support you right now. Find your anger, this man was playing Russian roulette with your health by going with sex workers and then bringing that all back to you. He did that when you were pregnant, he risked you, he risked your child, don't let him risk the rest of your life.

He won’t change. And the only thing he’s sorry about is that you’ve found out and you’re now giving him hassle. As soon as it all dies down and he manages to convince you that he’s a changed man, he’ll restart this all again but take better steps to cover his trail.