Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

PLEASE leave this disgusting middle-aged pervert. You're 13 years younger than him and the mother of his child, he should be kissing the ground you stand on.

He will have been shagging brasses while you were pregnant, meaning he could have easily passed on a STI to baby which could have been extremely dangerous. Gonorrhoea during pregnancy can lead to blindness. I’d suggest you get STD and smear testing done. He does not respect you at all.

Now I don’t have anything against brasses but I used to be friends with 2 of them. Both said the vast majority will pay extra for not using a condom and most were dirty perverts. The amount of stories I have heard are disgusting and I couldn’t write down on here.

He sounds like a vile man and absoloutley no going back from this. He WILL do it again if you give him a second chance. They always do no matter how old and wrinkled they get. Move area and he will find other brasses to shag.

Tell him to fuck clean off. You can co parent civilly with him but that is the only communication you need. Also take him to the cleaners with CMS. If he can spend so much money on sex, he can provide for his child.

This is probably the worst case of cheating i have read on here.
Have you been checked for sti ?
You are alot more forgiving then I would have been .
I would have told his family. And definitely kicked him out.
The cheating is awful. But then to have all the pictures and videos? Its not just cheating he sounds like a real pervert. I hope they are all way over 18.
I wouldn't want him around me or my children to be fair.
He didnt just have an affair he had lied to you from day 1. No amount of job swaps or moving house can change his complete lack of morals .

OP,I just want to say how sorry I am that he's done this to you.
He really isn't the man you thought he was, you can't ever change him.
If you did a bit more digging; with,deaths and marriages,Electoral register, you might find out more.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, all the shame belongs to him. Immediately tell your own family and close friends what’s going on so they can support you. Then get cracking on moving on with your life. Firstly, get tested for STDs. Secondly, make sure your finances and housing situation are in order - nothing in his or joint names. Thirdly, tell him he’s leaving. Consider telling his family why.

If he chooses not to be in your daughter’s life that’s on him. And honestly a man like that might not be a great father for her anyway. I rarely say that of anyone but he clearly doesn’t value any woman.

It doesn’t matter whether he did or didn’t love you, none of his behaviour is about you. It’s all about him, and you can and will ponder this for a good few months at least. But you can just as easily ponder in the comfort of a home free of him. You’re a young woman and don’t need to be saddled to a man who collects images of himself having sex. What a weirdo. Do the women even know? It doesn’t matter if he can or will change, this is an unforgivable thing to do to you. Run away.

“My mind tells me to run”

Listen to your mind, and run as fast as you can! To me this is absolutely unforgivable. Get yourself an STD test, and a lawyer.

Hi op has he got a sex addiction - he obviously has very high needs -: I'm sorry your going through this. There is a sex and love addicts anonymous. He can look and see and be honest with himself.

The only thing you should be torn over is which way to run! And the answer to that is probably to an STD clinic for testing!!
Seriously, have some respect for yourself! This isn't a casual fling bit of cheating, this is organised deceit, probably some sort of addition that he's getting sexual kicks out of.

I’m sorry, this is just awful. Your choice, but don’t waste the best years of your life on this cheat.

"I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him"

If you had his baby that means he's been having unprotected sex with you whilst also sleeping with escorts. He's put your health at risk. He's a liar. He won't change. The man you thought he was never really existed. I think you'd be mad to stay with him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

1.no
2.no
3.no

Your child does not need a shit father.
His family's feelings should not force you to stay with a shit

go on.....you are going to say "but he's a great dad" aren't you

I would maybe consider forgiving if it was a one off and drunk etc. Maybe.

This takes cheating to a whole other level. You need to be a sociopath to lie to the woman you live with everyday for years while fucking around. He's only sorry that you found out. He's already planning to do it again because he has no moral compass whatsoever. I couldn't be near someone like that.

Please listen to everyone here and leave! This is not a drill- this level of cheating is.. evil. You should never forgive this and he will not change! He could have given your baby daughter an STD/STI through you and made her disabled! Think about her!

OP have you told anyone? Your family?

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. Just the most disgusting betrayal imaginable. I would have my bags packed and would go stay with family. I literally wouldn't want to be anywhere near this person. Ever again. I am so sorry. You can rebuild your life. Don't settle for this repulsive git.

‘Can men like this change?’ ……simple answer is ‘no’.

You are worried about what he will do if you leave?…..he will be fine, he probably has several other women lined up as a back up plan.

You are worried he won’t be a good father if you leave him? He’s not a good father now, he has lied to the mother of his child for years and likely he is still hiding things.

Does he love you?…also no. Someone doesn’t do that to the person they love. He only loves himself and always will.

Jeez... men are digusting. I'm so sorry.

OP I'm so sorry. Unless you're OK with being one of a multitude of sexual partners, and with having been lied to for years, you need to leave this man. No other way.

My father was sexually incontinent (though it was the 70s and he could be open about it and claim it was all in the name of sexual liberation). I wish my mother had split from him ten years earlier than she did. Don't do this to your child. Split, move on.

And no don't be embarrassed. The shame is his. Good luck!

This is disgusting and devastating
i don’t this man has it in him to be monogamous

oh really!? @Kay3345
hook, line & sinker 🙄

I don't think a day will go by, however long you stick with him, when you won't be wondering who he's messaging. Every time he mentions a female colleague or tells you he's got to to work late or he's going on a stag weekend you'll be anxious — and probably with good reason. As as PP said, he's ruthlessly organised a cold and calculated betrayal of you and of your child. Think of all the money and time he could have been spending with the two of you instead of his sexual obsessions. Think of all the thousands of lies he's told you.

I think if you move away with him you'll find something similar going on wherever you end up. And if you move and then separate you'll be a long way from home and possibly without much support. Dump him now, look for a therapist who'll help you work on what to look for in a healthy relationship, and move on to a better life for you and your child.

I stopped reading at 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him....

I know you badly want to believe whatever he tells you but this is not someone for you.

I’m so sorry to hear this, you must be in complete shock. I have to say this is something that I would not be able to get over.

• It was sustained and planned sexual activity with multiple women over a long period of time, not a one off error of judgment in a moment of madness.
• He is paying escorts for sex
• He has put your sexual health at risk
• He videos sexual acts (do the women know?)
• He has thousands of sexual images/photos (again, consent?)
• He is on dating websites
• He actively reaches out to women and does so with an explicit image
• All of the above suggests a disturbing way of thinking about women and sex
• He has lied continuously for YEARS
• His reasons for doing so have no link to reality- “special friends”??
• I very much doubt he would tolerate you paying for escorts for sex on a regular basis and being on dating websites in this way- so he is ha ms no doubt found ingenious ways to justify ti himself why his behaviour is ok.

The enormity of this persistent behaviour is such that it can’t just be switched off by blocking people and moving away. It sounds like some kind of addiction to me. He needs significant therapy and you need to leave. I cannot see how you can trust a word he says. His behaviour is no doubt deep rooted and complex and you can’t waste your life hoping he might sort himself out. His behaviour shows a lack of respect to women all round. You are young. Get out. Please.

This can’t be real? Every day I’m astounded by posts on this board of women willing to put up with so much shit from men!!

He sucked you in with his winning ways and now he's sucked you in again, telling you what you want to hear! Run!

If you hadn't found out, it would still be happening. He's only contrite because he's been rumbled.

Imagine your future with him. Where is he when he goes out? When he's asleep, should you check his pockets, phone? It will be a lifetime of suspicion and stress. Have the life you and your dd deserve away from this loser.

Can men like this change?

Can someone cheat in this way and still genuinely love their partner?

No, definitely not. This isn't about him not loving you. He was fully aware of his actions and planned them meticulously. Did he consider the risks to you and your daughter? Of course, but he did it anyway. Paying for sex is disrespectful; it shows a lack of respect for women.

You should leave him; you deserve better than this sleazy behaviour.

I think it’s likely he is a sex addict. Some men may use escorts but 3 plus you. It sounds like he is sorry you found out. He has put your health at a huge risk. I think you need to protect yourself from this man. He isn’t who you thought he was. You love the version you knew but actually he’s a multiple cheat.