Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

One thing I can guarantee without any doubt is that you will face another wave of this sooner or later.

have you visited chumplady.com yet? If not go there - read, absorb.

The choice is ultimately yours but the longer you stay with this man the longer you are wasting time.

I was also single for a really long time (12 years) from my mid 20s to my late 30s and I get the fear of returning there. But I also know how lovely being alone can be and that it is totally possible to function without a romantic relationship.

You don’t have to make a decision today, but please know you will
never trust your boyfriend again. And nor should you. He is 44. This is not a kid who got mixed up in stuff - it is a grown man who has established a self and this is who he is.

Its the other way round for me, a man being cheated on by a female partner - but I get where you are coming from and how you feel.

In my case I was with her for approx 3 years, similar time - like you, she made me feel happy, wanted, I felt I could be myself with her, open up, trust her 100%.

When I then found out about the other relationship that had been going on I think about the same length of time, if not longer than we were together, well I was truly dumbstruck.

Like you I felt she must have been coerced into it, it couldn't be her fault, she was my everything, my best friend in the world, there must be some other explanation.

I'm a teacher, and I'm eternally grateful to the Psychology teacher who, over lunch gave me some perspective on the probable psychology of my ex. potential narcissistic traits, the thrill of secrets etc, compartmentalisation of their life to a high degree.

It's not you, it's him, you can say he's a bastard or you can excuse him by saying he's a narcissist etc, but it boils down to the same thing. He's a liar, a compulsive one, and it WILL happen again if you let it. It will be so painful to walk away now, but trust me in 6 months you will be in a much better place.

Remember also that he is 14 years older than you, sure that's not a problem in of itself, but I'll bet that for the 14 years of adulthood he has on you he was carrying on in a similar way, this hasn't come overnight.

Good luck!

This man won't ever be the type to settle down and be the kind of partner and father that fits a 'social norm', apart from being totally untrustworthy he sounds completely flawed.
His behaviour towards you is unforgivable ,you must know that , also how can you possibly consider being intimate in any way with him when he has had sex with multiples of women who have had sex with multiple men etc , he has /is putting you at risk of all kinds of diseases.
He isn't the man you met ,he is a stranger ,re read what you have told us , in fact i think your story is one of the worst betrayals i have ever read on here.
Be strong for yourself and your baby who deserves better than to be reared in this environment.

I think op it's important to recognise that it is normal you'd want to be in a bit of denial about this because the grief of it all is crushing and this can be part of surviving.

But the thing is, he's not actually committed to change or stepping up here. When you say he gets angry at you for having a wobbly day - that's extremely telling. He put you all in this position, if he's a mature adult then he'll know that sorry isn't a magic word and the fact he's expecting you to just forgive and forget without him having to really put in the work to enable you to do that - that's telling that he's still more focused on himself and how he feels when you have a wobble rather than being properly accountable. The fact he's been reluctant to go for counselling is telling.. he's fucked up badly here and tbh I think it's a small miracle you're still with him, he SHOULD be thanking his lucky stars you're even considering counselling and running to it.

I think op you need to also recognise that YOU can't fix what you didn't break. He has to fix this and really fixing is accepting that everything you thought you knew was false, the person you thought he was is false. You need to grieve all the plans you had for the future and the relationship you had because if you make anything of this going forward it'll be something completely different. He's not wanting to do this because he doesn't want you to really know him. And that's worrying op because you could invest a lot of yourself into counselling, be really vulnerable and he can put his bum in a chair and say what he thinks he needs to. If he's not actively committed to the process you can't drag him through it and expect it to be better at the end.

I think speaking to people in real life would be helpful. Right now you can pretend a bit while it eats you inside but that's a toxic plan because it'll just corrode your self esteem. I would also say, I was really scared about being alone but actually it's been easier than trying to be with someone where I had to track them and monitor them and couldn't trust them.

You need to protect your child. If you cant respect yourself enough to leave this horrible, grotesque man, you need to think of your child. I cant quite believe your response to this thread, I understand this is your real life and its not easy to walk away but you HAVE too.

I went no contact with my family this year and it has broke me, but I did it for my kids. Walk away.

The fact that he was having unprotected sex with prostitutes and with you before and during your pregnancy should be enough for you to leave him. He could have given you an STD like HIV or syphilis, and that would have been passed on to your child.

Where is your anger? If not for yourself then for your child?

Fucking horrendous. Please leave him before he does you serious harm.

If you knew all this from the get-go, would you have started dating him? Would you have fallen in love with him whilst knowing he was shagging the escorts at the same time?
I guess not. You dont love HIM. You love the fake version he played to trap you into a relationship with him.
You ask do they change? No. They dont.

I'm so sorry, OP.

I don't think he will change. Someone who could do this is a very bad bet for the future. I would leave.

OP how long ago did you find out? Please god don’t take this man back, he sounds unhinged and you and your daughter deserve so so much better than this!

You may think there’s nobody else out there and you’ll be miserable without him and, for a short time, you will be. But then you’ll be free and you’ll meet someone worth being with and you get a chance to be in a happy, trusting, mutually respectful relationship rather than living a half life with this prick because you’re saving yourself the pain of the immediate shortlived heartbreak!

You’ve unwittingly locked in a dynamic were you feel grateful to him. Grateful for companionship,family life,and you’ll likely overlook his proclivities. He knows this and he’ll continue to see escorts, continue to have have unprotected sex. He will promise you everything and he’ll even relocate for you.

Horrible disgusting selfish man. He will never change op.

He quite possibly does have a personality disorder, but equally might not have - but it matters not, its not an excuse, most personality disorders (such as narcissistic and sociopathic) don't remove the knowledge of right from wrong, and moreover, personality disorder or not, its a pattern of behaviour that will repeat if its allowed to. The only way for the OP to make it stop is to break away.

“20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts”

OP, this is so calculated - apart from anything else, how on earth much time must it have taken? The leopard doesn’t change his spots, OP, and man is an animal of habit. He’s used to the excitement and variety of lots of women - he’s not going to stop just because you’ve found out: he’s just going to be a little more careful. You say, “he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together….He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work.” So quite apart from uploading numerous photos and taking videos of himself, he’s sleeping with 3 other women and texting them all daily - as well as keeping up a relationship with you. OP, this man is a sex addict, and the thing about addiction is that it doesn’t just go away. Is this really the father you want for your DD? I feel for you, OP - it really must have been devastating to have found this out about someone you thought you knew and trusted. I fear at this point he will say anything to keep you - unfortunately, I’m not so sure he means it. I can quite see that you don’t want to leave your daughter without a father - but he isn’t going to change. A man who can c8me straight home from an escort and sleep his pregnant partner isn’t someone who has any respect for you, or indeed for women in general. If you were my daughter, I’d be advising you in the strongest possible terms to leave him - he won’t change.

Absolutely this.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

This relationship will never work. You are with a very damaged individual.

Just think of all of the money he has spent on escorts - I imagine from what you have told us it would run into thousands. That’s money he could have set aside for your daughter and things for the 3 of you but he didn’t, he chose to spend that money on his own selfish needs. Think about the time he has spent with escorts. That’s time he could have spent with you and your daughter,

He won’t change and you deserve much better.

Normal men, good men don’t behave like this, OP. His behaviour, in my opinion, is deviant.

He put you and your unborn child at risk from STDs. That is unforgivable. It’s appalling.

I know how hard it is to be alone, desperately wanting to be in a loving relationship so much that it hurts. But you can do this, you can be rid of him and show your child it’s better to be alone than to be in this whole sordid mess.

Mental health is not the reason for All odious behaviours , nor should it glibly be suggested.Unfortunately some people are unsavoury. No underlying mental health reason.
If mn were in any way reliable a disproportionate amount of population would have PD and or narcissism . However,given the diagnosis is based on the Mumsnet Bad ‘un index it’s unlikely to reliable

And i say this with kindness hes not thinking about you at all when you are having sex he is thinking about 20000 images of women not giving consent

He sounds like he has a sex addiction. If you research it, it is not necessarily an insatiable lust for sex with all and sundry, but the use of sex to avoid intimacy and to get a hit like with anything else used in an addiction- (alcohol, gambling, drugs etc)
It is possible that he loved you and he loved his secret exciting other life, and also felt some discomfort but compartmentalised.
If you try therapy and find a good couples therapist, do not expect one session to be a cure-all. Any recovery from this will take months.
Moving will not necessarily help, as the particular women are not the real problem.
Get some therapy for yourself regardless of any outcome. You will not be able to control him or change or fix his behaviour - only your responses/ reactions to anything he does/ doesn't do.

You need space, counselling for yourself and 100% openness, honesty, compassion and understanding from him, not him getting angry when you have a wobbly day.

Wrap yourself and your baby in cotton wool, take some time for you and only with some distance and a lot of work on his part should you even consider counselling together.

He should have counselling.

Wow how can you even think about forgiving him?!! This is the worse case of cheating I’ve ever seen on mumsnet!!

"He gets so angry if I have a wobbly day or if I have questions or if I’m emotional."

What have I just read! Please, please remove yourself from this relationship. HE gets angry? For your own safety and that of your child, and for the sake of your sanity you need to get away without delay.

"...I track his phone now, as he works long hours and has previously exaggerated them in order to visit one of his escorts. I discreetly check his phone routinely, and I haven’t found anything of any concern since I first found out..."

What you mean is you track and discretely check the phone you know about... But he's already had 2 secret extra phones - there's nothing to stop him getting another.

As for tracking his whereabouts - Does he have keys to wherever he works? - What's to say he isn't now leaving his "tracked" phone at work.... going off to see one of his mistresses... then going back to work to pick up that phone before coming home.

To answer your questions -

Can men like this change? No, men like this don’t change. He might for a while, but when an opportunity presents itself and he thinks he can get away with it, he will take it. But even if he did change, you would still spend the rest of your life wondering if he had and not really knowing. Never be sure. Never feel secure.

Can he do this and love you? I think that depends on what you mean by love. There may be a sort of patronizing love like you might give to a pet. But not the sort of love you want from a partner. Not the sort of love that puts your well being ahead of his own, or even equal to it. Not the sort of love that sees you a woman who deserves to be able to make free choices based on an honest exchange. Not the sort of love that respects you and treats you as an equal.

Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out? Not really. He knew how to get out once you caught him, didn’t he? He found that simple. Did he actually claim that he didn’t know how to stop seeing prostitutes?

But I think these are the wrong questions. They are all about him. The questions you should be asking are: Do I want to live and sleep with a man who uses prostitutes, endangers my health and the security of me and our child? Do I want to be with someone who lies to me, who plans his deceit, and follows through consistently? What else might he have hidden? What else about his life story is untrue?

He’s 44 not 18. If he didn’t know no to sleep with other women while having an ostensibly faithful relationship with the mother of his child, there’s not much hope for him. It’s not rocket science. It requires no special skills. You just have to not be a selfish, deceitful cock.

You “worry about what will become of him if [you] leave”? That’s pretty simple, isn’t it? He’ll get back in touch with the prostitutes and pick up the online dating where he left off. He probably already is. He will just be much more careful now. Use phones he doesn’t bring home. Find ways you can’t really track him. Do more online, etc.

Talk to your friends about this (though brace yourself, it’s possible you’ll find out his indiscretions aren’t entirely online). Make it real life. Don’t hide this away like he’s been trying to. It does you no good. It must be scary to realise the last few years were not entirely what you thought they were, but that doesn’t mean you have to sign up for a life time of it. Don’t throw good years after bad.

He WILL do it again, there's no IF here, He 100% will do it again. There is zero chance of someone like him staying faithful.
And you're head will be even more fucked up the next time you catch him.

And you say he gets angry if you have a wobbly day after that level of betrayal, fuck that shit.

OP I genuinely wouldn't wish a man like that on my worst enemy.

If your determined to stay best of luck raising the other kids when they show up at your front door OP, and they will show up and YOU, not him, will be the one raising them. Being realistic he's still seeing other women, either dating apps or escorts. There's no threat of him starting to cheat again as he never stopped.

You shouldn't have joint counseling with him, he's abusive and the professional advice is to never have counseling with an abuser. You should however start a therapy fund for your child, she's going to need it.