Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

For gods sake op think about your child. Unprotected sex when you were pregnant she could have died, contracted hiv or another horrible sti. If you inflict this type of relationship on your daughter then I'm sorry to say you are not a good mum. Better to be alone and protect your daughter than wasting your life on a pathetic man like this. Raise your standards and grow a backbone if not for you but for your daughter.

The signs are you are going to stay with him OP - please wake up! You are allowing him to treat you like a doormat. This big event (of you finding out) should be the start of your new life without him. If you stay now, you will likely yo always ignore what he does and turn a blind eye or be stuck for a long time.

You track his phone - so what? He cheated for all of those years so I'm sure he'll find a way around this.

I feel I can forgive him if he opened up to me and became more transparent - please wake up OP! You are literally going to ignore everything if he just talks to you and in all honestly says what you want to hear.

You haven't told your friends and your right it will be because they think you have no self-respect. Think about this. This guy has no respect for women. How many of these prostitutes (because I'm sure it's more than the three) really had a say in what they were doing? How many gave consent to being filmed or pictured? How many were underage (this could be a possibility)? But you are willing to let him still be a dad to your daughter because you don't want to be alone and would rather turn a blind eye.

Honestly OP the posters on here are all saying the same thing - so take note!

You do not know this man. You never have. He has compartmentalised his life and allowed you to see what he wants you to see. He will not change. I’ll say it again, he WILL NOT CHANGE. You are in shock right now, your whole life has blown up from underneath you. Take some time to process, but keep reminding yourself that this man has ruined your life. If you stay with him, he will continue to destroy your mental health and possibly your physical health too when he gives you an STD. He is a liar. He will always be a liar. You can not ever trust a word he says. You have to choose the life you want going forward. Take care of yourself and your baby.

That was precisely my point: that he won't change. Hence my agreement with the poster I quoted.

Whatever you say.

I’m glad you got yourself tested, and that it was clear.

I don’t like knee-jerking to ‘LTB’ but in this case I can’t see how you move on from this. I mean, you’re checking his phone and movements (completely understandably), so your trust in him has gone.

In your situation I would be looking at the feasibility of moving back to your home town without him. If he wanted to follow, he could rent or buy his own place and show a lasting commitment to the change he (says he’s) made when you confronted him.

Give yourself some breathing space to work out what you want.

If you want to live closer to family I would suggest you move with him and then dump him when you are there. Check with a solicitor first but I imagine it won’t look good if you split up and then move 160 miles away.

Wow, what is his problem 😳. Its too much 😔.

Life with a partner is supposed to make life easier, to be supported and support and care for each other and hopefully to work together as a team.

None of that is happening for you.

I think that honestly you'd be better off single with your baby then you have only your baby and you to worry about and love and care for. You need some care too. Go back closer to your friends, get a job there, get the baby settled into nursery - take it one step at a time.

And if anyone asks why you split say he wasn't the man you thought he was and turned out to be a sleaze.

You poor thing. He’s addicted. He will not change. Thank god you found out now. You are not responsible for his future or his future relationships. Be honest with his family. He bought the ticket, he can take the ride. This isn’t your shame, it’s his. Tell everyone what happened, it’s not his story, it’s yours. Good luck. You will come through this. You will.

Omg, unprotected sex at 9 months pregnant 😱. This is just toooooo much. This man is crazy. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Devastating and horrific. I pray the Lord comfort you 🙏🏿. Please you have to leave this man. Try to make it seperate amicably

"He gets so angry"????
When you do not accept his bullshit?

He is lying scum that will not change.

He put you and your babys health at risk having sex with you after being with a prostitute.

I wouldn't share a cup with such a lowlife.

Talk to Women's aid, you and your baby are in a highly controlling, abusive relationship.

Move away, asap.
Never trust him again.
Tell EVERYONE the truth.
His family, friends, GP, Health visitor.

God bless you OP, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I have seen so many women destroyed by men like this - one of them being my mother!

I am not someone who believes once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes, people grow. But I am speaking from the bottom of my heart when I tell you there is no chance that this man cares for you truly, or will make you happy. There are some men who are beyond help, and he’s absolutely one of them. You and your baby deserve better than to sacrifice yourself to this relationship.

He knowingly and deliberately risked giving you an STD. That’s dreadful enough, but he risked your baby’s life too. That is gobsmackingly unforgivable. He doesn’t give a shit, please trust me. And please understand that that’s a reflection of him and not you.

Good you concur
Wouldn't want you pretending to diagnose online or some such nonsense

You certainly are invested in your righteous cause: good for you!
But of course, I'll do whatever I want.

Of course you can diagnose online. Its perfectly possible, with enough information on behavior and history, to discern a pattern of behavior that meets criteria for certain illnesses. At any rate people are entitled to opine on anything here. Is it useful to the OP is the criteria I use.

In this case using words like sociopath or NPD helps the OP grasp that this behavior is likely ineradicable. Its not impulsive, or spontaneous, or accidental, or unconscious. Its deliberate, longstanding, clearly preferred, and he will repeat it.

That is useful for OP to grasp.

Opine by all means
NO one cannot diagnose online it’s unsafe,it’s unreliable. Diagnosis is arrived after after an assessment, review of history,past events,symptoms. Many conditions share similar presentation. Need a differential diagnosis to determine correct diagnosis.

Many conditions share common traits and it’s important to take time to understand the presentation,what it is, what it is not. Personality disorder frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar type 2

reckless behaviour
mood swings
These are present in multiple mental health conditions, not just personality disorder

personality disorder is categorised into 3 clusters, to determine which type it is ( or all the same) personality disorder is not a

i know mumsnet frequently rushes to proclaim
narcissism
personality disorder
Based on anecdote, the sofa psychiatrist who listened to a podcast.

important to grasp is you cannot diagnose online.

I’m so sorry your are going through this OP.

The guy is abnormal and he has a serious personality disorder. Take your child as far away as you can from him.

This 💯

Im so sorry to read this op. Wow that some terrible betrayal right there. Unprotected sex as well with three sex workers and then coming home to you to have unprotected sex with you pregnant in the same evening. Had he even washed his dick?

theres no coming back from this unfortunately. He is only sorry because hes been caught. Continue to plan the move for you and your child to go back home. Sod him. He can make his own arrangements to see his child around his sex worker appointments and taking photos of his pathetic manhood, if he has time 🤷🏻‍♀️

do not trust him to turn this around. He wont he will never change. You cannot live your life tracking his every move and checking texts/internet history or for other phones. That is madness. Chalk this one up to experience and cut this clown free. Jesus what a silly man who thought he could have his cake and eat it 🙄

Fact that you have a tracker on his phone (and use it) indicates you know the relationship has no trust indicates it is dysfunctional and you understandably feel he will cheat again.

The reason people say if you cant love yourself no else can, isnt because you arent worth love its because if you don't love you, its harder for you to recognise when someone is taking advantage of you, easier to use you, harder for to enforce boundaries. If you love yourself like 10% and he loves you 20% he will seem like prince charming when actually he cares margainly more than your postman.

Its OK if your friends are certain of the "right" thing and you arent, its ok if theyre worried you have no self respect. As long as they help you through it. And I promise you.. its him they will judge.

Your BF made you feel safe because hes a predator. He likes vulnerable women he can "save", it makes him feel good about himself. Its why he thinks his relationship with the prostitutes is special. Why he pays for digital fuss not just fucking. He picked you because your past issues made you feel vulnerable, grateful. Its calculated.

But he is a predator, because hes got two secret filth phones, hes filmed sexual encounters probably without knowledge or consent (crime), hes paid extra for unprotected sex with a prostitute and come home and done the same with you knowing you were pregnant and if he had passed anything on your DC could die as a result. He kept trophies!

He is a liar. Hes not a good man. He planned and practised this. He could just leave his phone at his desk and sneak round. He might have another phone at work. He was never transparent and he wont be. You have no idea hes stopped or not, and if he has he will start again. You'll have to turn a blind eye or leave. Because even if his feelings are real, even if he loves you with everything he has.. he did it anyway. It didnt slow him down.

I promise you alone is better. You could forgive him, but (and i rarely say this) you shouldnt. One of your most important jobs is showing DC what love looks like this isnt it. LTB. Run.

Think too of the kind of role model you want for your daughter and who's to say that him and his friends are safe to have around your daughter as she gets older. If he knows others who are involved and into filming, it could very well include underage girls.You obviously have an emotional attachment to this man but the advice you are getting says all