Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

I'll answer your 3 questions, based on my own personal relationship experiences (I'm 57) and the actions of my father:

1. No
2. No
3. No

HTH

that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job

In two short sentences you have shown he's making you responsible for keeping him faithful if you stay, but also he's made himself unemployed to reduce maintenance for his child if you leave.

Oh OP, you’d be insane to stay with this absolute heap of shit.

My god.

Emotional gamble at your cost, not his.

He would have happily carried on had you not found out. Or did he tell you?

Because if he came forward to you with his sordid secret then that shows some kind of remorse and wanting to change.

But, if you were the one finding out, that is entirely different scenario in my opinion.

Of course this will change YOU, not him, YOU.

It will change your outlook on him, how you view him in general and now YOU know he is not to be trusted, he will say all the things he knows you need to hear in order to keep his own face, and to keep you good.

But what he will do next is be more cunning, hide things better, and it will escalate as he now has this itch that will never be fully satisfactory.

The only person you can change is you. This will break you.

Have you had an STD test ?

Oh dear. I’m so sorry op. This must be incredibly difficult and painful to deal with. You must feel like you’re in a fog right now.

I don’t know the right or wrong answer - we each have our own decisions to make in life. However, ask yourself this -
will you be able to trust him?
could you live the rest of your life constantly in doubt?
would you be prepared to accept him and his lifestyle?

I’m so sorry OP but please open your eyes. He doesn’t love you, he never did, walk away.

OP, with respect, I am gobsmacked you are still with this man and didn’t throw him out the minute you discovered all this.

I know he is the father of your child so you want to forgive him and brush it all under the carpet BUT… this isn’t a guy who got drunk on a night out, ended up in someone’s bed and regretted it. This isn’t even someone who had his head turned for a while, had an affair and regretted it.

This is someone who deliberately and meticulously planned, carried out and hid serial adultery with multiple women for years. Women he paid to have sex with him. And a man who keeps 20,000 pornographic images and videos of said women on his phone to look at whenever he wants.

This isn’t a mistake, a temporary error in judgement or a bad habit. This is the man he is.

Oh wow op, that is awful! I hope you do tell someone close to you as this is too much to be dealing with.

A drunken kiss or mistake could possibly be excused by some but three plus full on affairs for that length of time - no way. And although he's gone no contact now I doubt that will last. Why have you given him the chance to make things up? There is no way back from this.

Tell your family and friends for the support and tell his so that they know what a snake he is, before he turns it around on you. He has actively lied and hid his actions and I believe you do not know his real true self. Do not be fooled by him saying all the right things now.

I've not read all the responses, but I'm guessing I won't be the first here to say get yourself checked out for stis etc. He has very likely put you at risk during your relationship and that alone would mark the end for most.

Bloody hell that's awful. Really sorry OP but I would struggle to get past that. Get some legal advice on what a split would look like for you.

Oh OP, he isn’t the man you thought he was and won’t ever be the man you want him to be.

That is going to take some time to get your head around but it is the truth.

You need to move on without him.

Wow. He really has led you up the garden path. He has lied to you in the most horrendous way, not by his words but by betraying your love and trust in his honesty and fidelity every single time he phoned, texted, sent photos to, had sex with these women.

You need to accept that the relationship has gone, even if from now on he was as pure as the driven snow you will never ever trust him again, every time you are intimate you would be wondering who was the last person he was intimate with, every text he got, every phone call, every time he was out of your sight you would be thinking about what he was doing and with whom. It is no way to live and it will wear you down, embitter you and destroy your sense of well-being.

Regain your dignity and move on, I hope in time you learn to love and to trust again.

This.

Please don't waste any time on him. This can't be fixed, forgiven or forgotten. It's over. No-one could - or should - get past this there's just too much.

I'm so so sorry you have discovered you loving partner is, well, a sleaze. You cannot keep up this relationship, ever wondering what he is doing. He has an addiction, and these fake women (because its for money, its their job) feed his addition, and as we all know, additions are very hard to give up.
Sending you (((hugs)))

Urgh, i am cringing just reading this, massive ick.
I would not be able to forgive this, and you need to get yourself checked out.
How could you trust him again? About anything?

He won't ever change. He was doing this long before he met you and your entire relationship has been a lie. From the moment you met him, he was lying to you.

They always say whatever they can once they've been caught to keep you from leaving. You just have to remember, repeatedly - he is a liar. The version of him you thought you knew is false. The man you are in love with doesn't actually exist.

You can't concern yourself with how he'd cope if you leave. He is not your responsibility. Even if he wouldn't cope, this is not for you to deal with (although if the threats of suicide come, it's almost certainly a manipulation tactic to scare you into staying rather than something he would actually do). Your priority is yourself and your daughter.

Speaking of your dd - her father abuses women. He views women as objects to be purchased for his sexual gratification. He does not care about consent, because consent cannot be bought. This is not someone I would want parenting my child. If you split and he doesn't see her, that probably isn't a bad thing. He has already prioritized himself over her by creating a family that he never had any intention of being faithful to.

Getting caught has not helped him realize anything. He'll impose some restrictions on himslef (or at your request) and change jobs etc to appease you, and find a way to keep doing it and learn to hide it more skillfully. I know, I've been there. Leaving will hurt, but it's better to do it now than a few more years down the line when your dd is older and with the regret that you hadn't done it sooner.

And above all - I'm sorry you're going through this. It really sucks. But you can and will get through it, hard as it is.

My mind tells me to run - listen to it.

but the fact I love him - no, you love the fantasy version of him that he presented to you for the past 3 years, but that man doesn't exist. The lying, cheating piece of shit who was shagging three escorts on the side does.

and worry about what will become of him if I leave - why? He'll be absolutely fine! He'll pick up the phone to his escorts - or some others - and do whatever it was he was doing for the first 41 years of his life before you met him.

You aren't saving him by being with him, so don't think that you are. He's a liar and a cheat and you and your DD will be a lot better off without his toxic presence in your lives. Please, kick him out and go and get a full set of STI tests. Those escorts he's been shagging aren't faithful to him either, it's their job. God knows what you've been exposed to. Have some self-respect.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I’m afraid someone like this never changes. My father was a serial cheater - didn’t learn from his first or second divorce, and I very much doubt he has been faithful during marriage number three and that being in his late 80s now is possibly the only thing that has stopped him.

Your “D”P sounds like him - very very sorry he got caught but fundamentally will do it again and again.

Also - moving will not change anything. He could easily keep in touch with the three escorts from your new home, and even if he does cut contact with them escorts are available everywhere and he will just find new ones. And the dating app he uses for his other women will work just as well after you’ve moved house. As will every other means he uses to satisfy his sex addiction, much of which you likely haven’t even discovered yet.

Please just kick him out, today, and seek support from your family and friends.

This answer Op, that's what you need to remember, any time he cheats again it will be on you because you didn't keep an eye on him, or you gave too much attention to the baby or you didn't make him feel good about himself - he'll have a dozen reasons why. If you didn't have his DC would you leave him, because if you would you should leave him anyway.

Sorry op he won't change. Move and he will find new escorts and you will presumably be away from your support network. Even if by a miracle he changed you will never trust him and trust me from experience you will drive yourself mad questioning everything.
I find it interesting you had to delete his profiles surely he would have done thos immediately if he was so sorry and devastated

People can change some things, but it sounds like this is entrenched behaviour for him, it's his whole life. How will he adjust to monogamy if he's used to having multiple extra affairs/ sex worker hookups? How could you trust him again? You'd be his jailer not his wife. This would be the end for me. He's not a suitable partner. He may think he loves you in his own way, but it doesn't involve loyalty, honesty or faithfulness so it's not worth much. If you want to stay with him while your child is little, live as flatmates only and make sure you're keeping up with/getting a career.

He won't change

Be the master of your own destiny

What advice would your best friend offer to you?

How on EARTH do these men find the time and energy to meet up regularly with all these women, and have a family life and work and sleep too, without their family noticing what is going on?? 🤔

I really could not get over all of that. It's just too much.

Do you really want to be with somebody who behaves as he does? Would you ever believe him in the future considering he's been doing this for years?

You may have fallen in love with a man, but is this the same man that you now know him to be? If you had known all of this previously would you have still fallen in love with him? I very much doubt it.