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Original poster

Partner living a double life for 3 years

248 replies

Kay3345 · 28/08/2025 13:35

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

OP posts:
Graphinette · 28/08/2025 17:30

There is no way on this earth that you can stay with this man, @Kay3345

Get an appointment at an STI clinic ASAP and leave leave leave.

WTF have I just read?

Subwaystop · 28/08/2025 17:30

How utterly awful. It might take you a minute to let go of the illusion of who he is, but you need to get there. And you need to leave. I would say he gentle with yourself as your heart catches up with your mind but 100% you need to leave.

Barney16 · 28/08/2025 17:34

Based upon personal experience he won't change. It's heartbreaking to find out that the person that you love isn't actually the person that you thought they were. If you stay together how are you ever going to have any piece of mind? Every time he's away from home, or pops out or stays up late when you go to bed you will be wondering what he's up to. Even if he isn't up to anything you aren't going to be able to trust him. That constant worry really is unbearable. You have your whole life ahead of you and your baby does to. You need to think very carefully about what's best for you and your baby.

Neemie · 28/08/2025 17:35

Hooking up with escorts and women online is the thing that turns him on. That won’t change. There is a reason why a 44year old funny, intelligent, professional guy hasn’t had any serious prior relationships and you have just found out what that reason is. He will carry on doing this. He won’t be able to help it.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 28/08/2025 17:41

My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

These are terrible reasons to stay with him OP. Out of pity and fear that his family will be upset, and that he’ll go off the rails and no longer be around for his daughter?

These are more like reasons to leave and put yours and your daughters wellbeing first. You have a 6 month old baby, you really need to put the two of you first. The stress of having him around, the grief of what he did, the torture of monitoring him constantly, is not worth it.

LittleArithmetics · 28/08/2025 17:41

I often think these situations are more complex, but this one isn't. This guy won't change.

MyTommyGunDont · 28/08/2025 17:47

Just so you know, this alone is enough reason to leave:

our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Fingeronthebutton · 28/08/2025 17:49

You should have picked up on all that flattery.
Im not for one moment that suggesting that your not an attractive woman but reading all those compliments it was obvious.

okydokethen · 28/08/2025 17:53

Good grief. Thank goodness you know. There is no coming back from cheating with at least 3 women. Not to mention his misogynistic views on women as possessions. It really doesn’t matter how happy you thought you were, he didn’t feel the same.

kkloo · 28/08/2025 17:54

Don't stay with him.
He definitely won't change.
Unfortunately everything you thought you knew about him and his personality was a lie, because for the entire time he's had secret relationships and non stop chats and 'fun' etc with other women. You don't know what he's like or what his personality is like when he doesn't have that outlet and a constant source of attention from women. You said We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments.

Even with you and 3 other 'relationships' he still needed more or felt entitled to more and was always in contact with other women trying to get more thrills. Imagine how many arguments or how bad his temper would/could have been if he didn't have that outlet and escape that he could get from his many other women.

Do NOT trust him. He will have even less respect for you now if you stay than he did for the whole time you were together. He will 100% feel justified in taking up his 'bad habits' again.

Autumnnow · 28/08/2025 18:03

Can men like this change?
No

Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
No

Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out
No

You are not in love with him but the man he pretended to be. He's the worst kind of self-serving liar. You'll have a life of pain and misery if you choose to stay with him. His behaviour verges on psychopathic, in as much as he is utterly self-serving and has no conscience about how his behaviour affects others. He is not sorry for what he has done, only that he's been caught out. I doubt he has the ability to become the person you thought he was.

TwistedWonder · 28/08/2025 18:10

You’ve been absolutely love bombed by a lying fake who has told you everything you want to hear. He doesn’t exist this perfect man - he’s a actor playing the part of a good guy but he’s been caught out now and you’ve seen the real repulsive piece of human excrement that really is.

And the reason he had no ex wife of children is because he’s a lying serial cheat who sticks his dick in anything that stays still long enough. The fact you’re so much younger isn’t an accident because anyone his own age would be more likely to see through his BS. He’s used you’re naivety to his advantage.

Please show your DD that no woman wit’s any self respect lets a man treat her like this and walk

Didimum · 28/08/2025 18:11

You can’t repair the demolition of a relationship – and I’m sorry the relationship didn’t actually even exist in the first place. He projected every falsehood going.

Ocelotfeet27 · 28/08/2025 18:16

Someone who would cheat this often with all these women and recording all of that stuff is likely someone that enjoys the rush of it all rather than it being about a particular woman. Highly unlikely he will change OP. You've probably got more chance of winning the lottery I'm afraid. So sorry.

JJkate · 28/08/2025 18:20

Don't do it OP. I know a man like this. He was found out several times and each time told his wife he was so sorry, never again etc. Until the next time she found out, usually by having an STD. They also moved several times too. He was a pathological liar who was very good at putting on the little boy lost act. She spent years forgiving him. This man will fuck you over time and again if you stay. It doesn't matter if he 'regrets it, is sorry, had a bad childhood' etc. What matters is how you are treated and he's been treating you like shit for years. I'd bet money he'll do it again.

nevernotmaybe · 28/08/2025 18:21

The extreme level of behaviour does suggest it's a real issue rather than just bog standard cheating.

But the work to get through that from him, and even you, is massive regardless of if it succeeds or fails. You need to think about it. It isn't wrong or stupid to stick with it, as many would probably try and label you. But it isnt easy and will need far more than blocking profiles and promises, and take years. You need real advice and some work with a good therapist if you are even considering staying with him. And even if you consider it, don't decide until after you have done some of that work and talked with a professional - although be open with him about that.

If this is too much to think about, you probably should end it.

CRCGran · 28/08/2025 18:21

You could move away and "start again"... but 2 years from now you'll be posting on here again!! This creep is never going to change. You say you love him, but hasn't finding all this out killed it stone dead ?? And if not, why not ?? He's vile OP. This has been sustained lying, cheating, disgusting, despicable behaviour. Why would you ever for one second consider staying with him ?? Get your child as far away from him as possible.... he won't prioritise them anyway didn't you say?? YOU DESERVE BETTER

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 28/08/2025 18:27

"I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave."

This say it all.

I'm so sorry Op but absolutely no way would I stay. You may love him but he doenst love you and you clearly don't think he loves your daughter. Leave, she shouldn't be exposed to such a terrible example of a relationship

usedtobeaylis · 28/08/2025 18:28

I'm so sorry.

Ultimately he knew he was risking both his relationship and his family. You don't owe him anything on that score. If he wants to have a relationship with his child that's on him.

I think people can change but in this case, the only person who would change is you, for the worse. Don't let him do that to you. You deserve better.

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 18:38

He has broken you for now, but you can heal and have a new life, this doesn’t have to be your life forever living in this abject misery.

He is a god awful role model to your dd, and in your place I would be hoping he disappeared. I would want to protect my beautiful baby from his sordid and disgusting exploitation of vulnerable women and his sex addiction. I would have been long gone. So sorry op. What a truly awful discovery.

flopsyuk · 28/08/2025 18:38

Remember to take evidence of what he had been doing even if it means getting a local IT person to download it safely or someone else you trust.
You need witnesses if possible
The reason why is that all of his online life may suddenly 'disappear' and it will be your word against his.
Then he will have an opportunity to paint you as a lying unstable woman.
When your daughter grows up he may lie about what happened and try to turn her against you.
I saw this with a man my sister was involved with. He is now working on the children.
Fortunately my sister reported him to the police at the time and told the family so there is at least corroborating evidence.

4forksache · 28/08/2025 18:39

Bloody hell op! Have you read your own post? And you are asking if you should stay with him?

Please get therapy. This should absolutely be a no brainier!

Silvertulips · 28/08/2025 18:40

You are deluded. He won’t change. He did it because he could.

I hope you kept screenshots.

If he can pay for escorts he’s not short of money.

I would leave. This is the worst betrayal.

Stop thinking about what friends family or anyone else thinks or feels. You have a duty to care for you and the baby.

The fact you haven’t told anyone speaks volumes.

Rocknrollstar · 28/08/2025 18:41

Don’t think you deserve better than this man? Is this who you want to spend your life and to be living with you and your baby? I suggest reading Let Them by Mel Robbins. It will be hard to be on your own at first but the pain will pass and you will move on with your life which has to be better without him. Have you been tested for STDs?

MMUmum · 28/08/2025 18:46

You know you should leave but you love him, that's exactly how he feels about these women, he's having a lovely time at the minute, doing what he pleases with women that he enjoys spending time with, honestly if you had that would you give it up? It would still be going on if you hadn't caught him- in fact it probably still is, make the right choice for your child, you know what to do