Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

Oh OP, how sad and disturbing of you to find this out. I can't find the link, but I once listened to an Esther Perel "Where should we begin?" podcast about a couple where one of the partners had sustained an affair over many years and led a double life. That couple stayed together it seems. Might be worth trying to find even if it's just to hear someone else voice similar feelings. I'm sending you compassion and wish you all the best for this awful time ahead xx

I think men like that can change but only when they want to. I don't think he does. He was still carrying on with 3 women until you found out. I don't think there's any real guilt there, if he hadn't been caught he would still be at it, guilt free.
I'd be worried about someone filming sex too, did he have the consent of the women? If not your DD is better off without him in her life.

God love you.
Absolutely do not believe a word from that sleazy lying creep.

You need to tell everyone the truth and get away from him.

Expect tears and threats of suicide as he tries to shut this down.

He is utter lying scum.
Your poor child with this creep as a father.

Get away from him.

Honestly it sounds like you are the secret and his true self is the one with the escorts, dirty chat, 20,000 images.

Sorry OP. You would be mad to trust him again. He is a shit.

And you don't love him. The person you love doesn't exist - he's a fiction created by the monster you've been living with.

The best thing you can do is work out how to get yourself and your daughter away from him. And you probably need some therapy or support from others who have been similarly abused by narcissists.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As PPs have said, he wasn't sorry when you didn't know - and he's only sorry now (or so he says) because he's been rumbled.

May I ask how you found out?

No he cannot change. There is no future with this vile excuse for a man.

You're in love with the version of him that he presented, not who he actually is. Moving, changing etc won't change him. He'll just try harder not to get caught.

This completely unforgiveable and you will just lose chunks of yourself trying to live through the deception with him. Move on, honestly it would be better for your daughter to be low contact with this man, than be brought up to think that this was ok.

So sorry youre going through this. I cant tell you what to do but I can tell you what i think you should consider:

1. Would he have stopped this if he wasnt caught?
2. Whats your financial situation that he had so much money to spend on these prostitutes?
3. Do these women know they were filmed? Becuase that would have cost alot, even from an escort. And if not thats a crime
4. Was he careful? Have you been tested?
5. If hes delusional enough to believe what he is to these women is special is he a fantasist? If they had wanted him, would he have dumped you?
6. The level of deception he went to, to achieve this - 3 sex partners, introduced you to family, hid 2 phones of filth, porn addiction - for your whole relationship. You cant tell if he lies, so how do you trust him again
7. If you didnt have DC would you consider forgiving this?
8. Do you not see this behavoiur was escalating, do you really thing it will stop? He was looking for more cheating opportunities on dating sites.
9. What is he suggesting to save this? Counselling? Or just to move and pretend he didnt do it?

Then what id do is work out if I could manage financially and emotionally without him. So I knew my options.

Then id be asking if you arent telling friends and family because you know their advice and dont want it. Youre in shock, probably denial, desperate for this not to be true. But it is. See who he is. Don't look away.

He might love you. But it didnt slow him down.

I cant tell you how much you need the people who love you AND do right by you. Tell your loved ones, you have NO reason to be ashamed. And you need someone on your side.

Best of luck to you and your LO.

Urgently get yourself and your baby tested for STIs. That’s the first thing to do, don’t hesitate.

Wtf? You do not know if you can trust him?

No, of course you can't he's been cheating & lying habitually for the entire time you are together.

This guy has massive, massive issues & you can never trust him.

Also, how much money that should be being invested in your old age / retirement and your child’s future is he spending on sex and porn?

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him.

Of course you can't trust him and you need to end this relationship asap.

He's an utter bastard.

Get rid... too much, too long and too awful.

People can change, but making such a huge change is tremendously difficult and rare. His entire life has had lies woven right through it for the better part of a decade, long before he met you. I'm assuming no-one from his family knew about his relationships with the escorts, for instance. The kind of person who can happily lie to everyone he knows for years and years is probably not the type who can just turn over a new leaf and be the man you and your daughter need him to be.

Whatever you decide, you should prioritise your daughter and yourself. Don't waste time and emotion wondering what will become of him. He'll probably be fine. He's had no trouble putting his 'needs' first all this time, has he? And if he's not fine? That's not your problem, honestly.

One last thought: You shouldn't feel forced into lifelong secrecy over this. You deserve to have someone in your life, a family member or trusted friend, that you can confide in and turn to for support. You haven't done anything wrong, and there's no reason to be ashamed or feel you can't talk about it.

This is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. But the person you love doesn't exist. He's a fantasy. The real man is a lying, cheating scumbag who thinks it's okay to use women as commodities and deludes himself in the process that he has some kind of connection with them. Please don't use up any more emotional energy trying to make this work.

Never.

I respect myself too much to be treated Mobile that more than once. They’d be out on their ear!

I couldn’t ever ever ever trust them again and nor would I want too. I want someone who treats me like his queen forever and always and that’s what I’ve got with my husband

so no. I would never settle for less and nor should anyone else

love yourself! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I'm so very sorry to read what he has been doing.

At the moment you think that you may have a choice. That you can chose to stay or leave. That you can possibly trust him and chose to stay.

My experience is that this choice is an illusion. Someone like this will promise the earth to get you to stay this time. In the future that could change. He could be very angry and devious inside but hiding it for now and even getting you to feel concerned about him.

He will get you to stay but then continue his old life. He will build an escape plan for next time, if it happens. He may replace you with a new partner and start a new family if he wants - or go back to the prostitutes.

Next time it may be out of your hands. When he leaves it will be on his own terms and at a time of his choosing. It may even be blamed on you - as you put too much pressure on him (the final insult).

It's not personal. It's not your fault. Men like that are simply unable to deal with relationships in a respectful and honest way.

I really hope you move on and find someone much better for you. It is unforgivable. Nobody deserves this!

There is literally nothing to be “torn” about it. That is DISGUSTING. Get a full STD check and then run!

But this is so far beyond an affair. This is multiple women, some paid for, some through dating sites, plus pornographic images and sex videos and god knows what else. It is absolutely not a forgive it and stay together situation. He is what our grannies would have called a pervert and what might now be called a sex addict - he is not going to change, and the way he views women makes it impossible for him to be a good husband or father.

Oh my you must be devastated. I’m so sorry, I don’t think he can change. The deception is so enormous, I don’t see how you will ever trust him again. Do you really want to move? If you do then fine, but I wouldn’t uproot your life for him. I think you have to end the relationship.

I’m really sorry you are going through this but I was shocked by your sentence “I don’t know if I can trust him anymore”. How can you even be in the same room as this man ever again! He’s an utter sleaze and a sex addict by the sounds of it. Get rid and start a new and different life with your baby. My skin would crawl at the thought of sex with him.

Mate, he's a piece of shit. Get rid.

He sounds like my adopted father.

I’m so sorry. He won’t change. Something is wrong with him.

You and your baby deserve better. Would you want your daughter with a man like this? Or your son to be like this?

I’ve seen it play out long term and it’s awful.

Huge hug and you can do this.