Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

[Netcurtainswithlead]

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Ugh, that is grim.

I can't get my head round your ages.
For arguments sake, you are 35, that puts him at 50 and his daughter at 20.

Is that right?

Sounds a little incestuous!

cryinglaughing no she is nearly 35, I’m 50 and he is 65 lol

😂😂

What gifts? They shared a bed when she was a teen. 13 or 18? Big difference. Either way you are out of it and moving on

You are well out of it. I’d forget and move on

No, never had one of these...but I'd be just as weirded out 👀

I've never come across anything in real life but I do remember watching the 1976 Bouquet of Barbed wire. I was quite young at the time and I remember feeling really uncomfortable with it.

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

I knew a man like this once through work.

He never stopped talking about his daughter and how much of a pedestal she was on. As an example, when he bought his wife a brunch of flowers he would make a point of saying how his daughter got an even bigger and better bunch than she did. It was relentless and an obsession.

There’s been a post on here in the last few days that reminds me of this. I can’t remember what it was called or who posted it but it was basically the partner constantly prioritising the adult daughter over his partner.

I sometimes shared a bed with my Dad when I was a teen and adult. We loved going on driving holidays to France and couldnt always book our hotels in advance so sometimes it would be a choice of sharing a bed or not having anywhere to sleep. There was absolutely nothing wrong or creepy about it 🫤.

Can you explain what you mean by "bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her."

I think it could just be that she is the apple of his eye. I mean, I actually think it's good if more men prioritized their children from past relationships. It's so sad that many kids get dropped if Dad's relationship with Mum ends.

I also don't think it's odd to take your adult child as a plus one to an event every now and again. And whilst it doesn't happen to me, it's also pretty common for parents to financially support children throughout their lives if they have the means to do so.

Sharing the bed whilst a teenager - meh. I think that depends on context. Choosing to share a double in a 2 bed cottage is weird. Having to share a bed after getting in late and not having other options is a bit more understandable. Choosing to share a bed if it means they can afford a holiday they otherwise couldn't I can also understand.

Unless you think the bed sharing is indicative of SA? In which case none of this matters and you run for the hills regardless.

Yes I remember seeing this thread too. Weird.

Unusual but not alarming. I was a bit “eek” at the bed sharing but it depends on the context. Going as plus one to events not a problem at all. Maybe I should start taking my adult son as my plus one to staff dinners too!

I have come across this, but it was the man’s stepdaughter not biological daughter. Was he over compensating for something? What was his and her relationship with mum like?

Yes, i've experienced similar, really creepy, similar age gap too. My former partner told me of a holiday with his DD were they were so tactile with each other, they were mistaken for a couple. The DD was obsessed with her Dad, I believe Carl Jung referred to it as the Electra Complex, similar the the Oedipus theory when men obsess over their mothers. The DD in your case didn't like you because you took the attention away from her, you are better off out of this scenario.

Unless he was buying her sex toys and lingerie (the only things I would think it only appropriate for a husband to buy) I don't think it's that big of an issue. More men should make their daughters feel valued and loved. The love you have for DC doesn't disappear when they become adults. Unless you were just parenting out of obligation and didn't actually have a bond.

I remember reading an article once about when people get divorced their children often fill the emotional void left by the absence of a romantic relationship. It focused mainly on fathers and daughters. He may not realize he's doing it but it sounds very enmeshed. I don't think anything is wrong or inappropriate with any of the aspects of the relationship you talk about per se aside from that level of enmeshment does not leave your ex emotional available nor his daughter.

You can justify the individual elements but looking at it as a whole it sounds inappropriate and annoying at best.

Sharing a bed with an adult STEPdaughter is hella creepy. Definitely Woody Allen vibes

The hard part of relationships is that there will always be someone we butt head with, its hard to change the mind of someone. The best thing you may have to do is try to find common ground with her. your man has a daughter. Every man loves being close to his daughter. You may have to talk to the husband as to why the daughter doesnt like you, and try to work on that.

Yes, my ex was like this with his youngest DD. She slept with her, would walk with her leaving me behind, stare at her constantly with hearts in his eyes, constantly touch her, even in the car he would reach back and touch her. And if she wasn’t around when we all went out he would get moody and down and ruin the entire outing. Honestly I felt like they were dating and even one of his other DCs said that they would be together forever and that he and I seemed more like friends than bf/gf. It was pretty grim.

I really hate these threads. And there have been a spate of them recently.
There's a kind of half-cocked insinuation of something incestuous going on, but noone actually wants to say that. And there's an underlying suggestion that somehow the daughter has done something wrong, as if a child could be responsible for her own father crossing boundaries.
If that's what you think was happening OP, with the shared beds and all, you owe it to that girl to get back in touch, let her know it was NOT her fault in any way, and give her information about what help could be available to her eg https://thesurvivorstrust.org/if-you-need-help-now/
If that's not what you think was going on then stop insinuating it. There's nothing wrong with a man loving his daughter dearly. You want to be your man's princess, fair enough, and often teenage daughters can get in the way of that. Chalk it up to experience and remember for next time.

Ick. Sounds like he/they needed to read ‘A View From The Bridge’