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Original poster

Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

259 replies

Netcurtainswithlead · 27/08/2025 21:59

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

OP posts:
KhakiOrca · 28/08/2025 03:58

It's not his daughter, it's his bit on the side. And the child is probably his too !

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 05:15

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

There should be context here. It is entirely inappropriate for a father to share a bed with his teen dd. Completely unacceptable. If you are doing that, or allowing that to happen I would consider that a serious safe guarding issue.

Viviennemary · 28/08/2025 05:26

Kurkara · 28/08/2025 02:06

I really hate these threads. And there have been a spate of them recently.
There's a kind of half-cocked insinuation of something incestuous going on, but noone actually wants to say that. And there's an underlying suggestion that somehow the daughter has done something wrong, as if a child could be responsible for her own father crossing boundaries.
If that's what you think was happening OP, with the shared beds and all, you owe it to that girl to get back in touch, let her know it was NOT her fault in any way, and give her information about what help could be available to her eg https://thesurvivorstrust.org/if-you-need-help-now/
If that's not what you think was going on then stop insinuating it. There's nothing wrong with a man loving his daughter dearly. You want to be your man's princess, fair enough, and often teenage daughters can get in the way of that. Chalk it up to experience and remember for next time.

I agree. Situations are described which sound as if....... In this case incestuous. But in the OP we are told we must not say so. Or OP doesnt want to hear this.

Earthbound4 · 28/08/2025 05:32

My DC have had their own rooms in hotels since they were 13/14. We always booked two adjoining. They would be mortified to have to share a bed with us never mind a room!

This man sounds nuts. Good job you dumped him.

CarlaLemarchant · 28/08/2025 05:42

OP Why are you asking for people to share incest stories?

LoveMySushi · 28/08/2025 05:45

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

Its because hes a man. Men arent allowed to do these things on mumsnet..

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 05:49

LoveMySushi · 28/08/2025 05:45

Its because hes a man. Men arent allowed to do these things on mumsnet..

Show quote history

No they are not - it’s grim and I wouldn’t stand for it either as a mother or girlfriend. I would be inclined to speak to social services if they are minors re sleeping arrangements.

dizzydizzydizzy · 28/08/2025 05:50

Yes I have experienced something similar. ExDP was in the shoes of your partner's daughter. His mother was absolutely besotted with him and treated him like her lover. She died fairly early on in our relationship.

ExDP's mother was absolutely blatant about how she preferred exDP to her other children so they had a very strained relationship with her. ExDP's sister had lots of mental health problems.

ExDP turned out to be a narcissist. When DC1 was born, tbe domestic abuse started. ExDP had always been the very centre of his mother's attention and of course before DC1 was born, he was also the centre of mine. His mother died 2 years before DC1 was born. When DC1 was 8 weeks old, he relalized that he was no longer the centre of attention and turned against me. We were on holiday and he started yelling at me out of the blue one day, accusing me making a nasty plan to deliberately making us late to leave for our day trip to make myself into a victim. I lm autistic (but didn't know then). I therefore have very little understanding of manipulation. I had absolutely no idea of what he was accusing me of (although I do now) I did not understand it at all. I just knew I hadn't done it. That was when the domestic abuse started.

Beware OP. The type of relationship that you are describing between a parent and an adult child affects everyone else in the family very negatively.

Licencedtodrill · 28/08/2025 06:08

A friend of mine experienced this, she would walk into a room to find her ex-boyfriend’s adult daughter sitting on his lap!

Glowingup · 28/08/2025 06:10

I can’t believe people are justifying this shit. No it is not normal for a dad to be “obsessed” with his 35 year old daughter and nor is it normal for a grown man to share a bed with his teenage daughter. It’s really not. If you do find yourself “obsessed” with fully grown almost middle aged adult children then something has gone a bit wrong. It’s emotionally if not physically incestuous. OP you are well out of this and the fact that the DD apparently hated you after meeting you once shows that this runs two ways. I knew a father daughter like this who would often get mistaken for a couple due to how they acted and it made my stomach turn.

ChersHandbag · 28/08/2025 06:14

I dated a man like this, he billed it as ‘needing to be there for’ his teen dds, but it was quite obvious that he was the needy one. He’d almost make a point of rejecting me if we were all sitting around watching tv and have his hand on her leg. Ditto, the 12 yr old ‘kept coming in to his room for a cuddle at night’ — not sexual but again an over closeness he was encouraging in the aftermath of divorce. Neither of my daughters do that. It made me very queasy and I had to move on.

Backtoblack1 · 28/08/2025 06:22

Not normal, not ok, run for the hills!

SparklyGlitterballs · 28/08/2025 06:34

Did you share with him the reason why you were ending the relationship OP?

Overtheatlantic · 28/08/2025 06:52

I once dated a man who was 40, I was 35, but he used to play wrestle on the bed wearing only pants with his 12 year old daughter also just wearing pants. I couldn’t stop thinking about it so after taking advice from my mother I broke it off after a year.

factor50fan · 28/08/2025 06:55

ChersHandbag · 28/08/2025 06:14

I dated a man like this, he billed it as ‘needing to be there for’ his teen dds, but it was quite obvious that he was the needy one. He’d almost make a point of rejecting me if we were all sitting around watching tv and have his hand on her leg. Ditto, the 12 yr old ‘kept coming in to his room for a cuddle at night’ — not sexual but again an over closeness he was encouraging in the aftermath of divorce. Neither of my daughters do that. It made me very queasy and I had to move on.

Edited

Divorce can be a very distressing and even traumatic time for children. 12 is very young. A parent ‘encouraging’ his child to know that they will be supported and comforted at this time is good parenting. If his daughter woke up feeling upset and anxious at night due to the divorce, it’s good that she felt able to seek out the support and comfort of her Father she was staying with.

Makehaysunshine · 28/08/2025 06:59

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

Are you male or female?

ChersHandbag · 28/08/2025 07:00

@factor50fan I agree that’s certainly the logical explanation these men know covers it, but when you are around a man doing it for the reverse reasons, because it gives him something, you know.

TheOccupier · 28/08/2025 07:04

No personal experience OP, but I have definitely seen threads very similar to this on here before! You're not alone and you've made the right decision.

Ivenoname · 28/08/2025 07:05

factor50fan · 28/08/2025 06:55

Divorce can be a very distressing and even traumatic time for children. 12 is very young. A parent ‘encouraging’ his child to know that they will be supported and comforted at this time is good parenting. If his daughter woke up feeling upset and anxious at night due to the divorce, it’s good that she felt able to seek out the support and comfort of her Father she was staying with.

Show quote history

Yes the daughter should be receiving support and comfort from her parent.
But that doesnt mean to say appropriate boundaries shouldn't be maintained.

There are ways of giving support that doesn't involve a father allowing a post pubescent girl coming in to his bed.

FieryA · 28/08/2025 07:08

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 05:15

There should be context here. It is entirely inappropriate for a father to share a bed with his teen dd. Completely unacceptable. If you are doing that, or allowing that to happen I would consider that a serious safe guarding issue.

Show quote history

Why is it so inappropriate? You have taken it to the next level and making it sound creepy. There have been several occasions where I have shared a bed with my dad, as we had a very small house, with one bedroom only. I would sleep with my parents and even when my mom was out of town, I slept in the same bed. I know for sure that if I were uncomfortable, my dad would have given me the entire space. It all depends on the situation in the house and relationship between the parent and child.

TheRavagesOfThyme · 28/08/2025 07:09

LoveMySushi · 28/08/2025 05:45

Its because hes a man. Men arent allowed to do these things on mumsnet..

Show quote history

Erm no, I'd be just as weirded out if it was a mother bed sharing with her teen/adult son.

OhNoNotSusan · 28/08/2025 07:11

nothignn sounds Too bad apart from the fact she didnt like you,

DreamTheMoors · 28/08/2025 07:15

My dad and I were close.
but not bed close.
Not weird close.
Just normal kid-tagging along to the ranch, repeating his dirty words, annoying him-close.
Is that acceptable?
I don’t know what’s acceptable any more.

beAsensible1 · 28/08/2025 07:15

Sorry but saying a parent can’t share a bed with their teen in certain circumstance is mad and an insinuation of sexual abuse.

do you all mean do that?

Regular bed sharing with teen children is obviously not ok as both should have privacy but for a pit stop or short holiday or even emotional support?

DoRayMeMeMe · 28/08/2025 07:16

I knew a daughter in a similarly weird scenario, and I think some poster are being deliberately obtuse about the dynamic.

Her father (still with Mum) used to complain that no one in the family was hot.
She trained with a PT for a year before his 70th birthday so that she would be “hot” for him. He told her it was the best present he had ever got. Apparently on that beach holiday he basically walked around as if she was his wife and his wife was his MIL.

This woman did not comprehend the aghast faces at the table at all.

There is no need to call the dynamic incestuous or SA, but his dynamic with his daughter doesn’t leave space for him to have an adult relationship with a woman.