Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

[Netcurtainswithlead]

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

It's way too old for you.

How did he react when you ended things? And did you tell him why it was because of his daughter?

I love my Dad but I wouldn't share a family room with him and my baby either.

Yep. I've had this. She was in effect his partner. I always came 2nd and she treated me like shit. Not quite as far as sleeping in the same bed with her though. That is a ridiculous depth.

It ended our relationship although we're still friends. The kicker is that now she has a proper relationship (with a man who isn't her dad LOL) and he's been kicked to the side. And he wants and misses OUR relationship now.

Too late was the cry! Sad and weird how the individuals in these situations can't see it.

Neither would I but I wouldn't with my mum either, not as an adult.

Well so he is older than you but otherwise the differences with the ages are as cryinglaughing suggested.

I haven't experienced this but I very briefly dated a man who clearly enjoyed how good looking his young adult daughters were. He would send pics of them to me in a bikini on hol - gave me the ick big time and I dumped him.

Me either!
She was an adult daughter, not a kid when she did this. Grim.

The OP said this happened when the daughter was a teen not a grown adult

The only thing I find odd about any of that is sharing a bed. Maybe the gifts if they are really innapropriate but you haven't said what they are.

Has her husband not complained?

There is an appropriate way for fathers to make their dds feel ‘valued and loved’ without the unhealthy obsession and hyper attention.

Same in my house. Our 20 years old daughter still likes to sleep with one of us from time to time. We would not pay for 2 bedrooms in holiday if only one was with either son or daughter. It never happens because we go as a full family the few times we can go to a hotel. Nothing weird at all.

I agree! One PP has even said if you think this was SA then run for the hills… surely if there’s any suggestion that SA is involved you take appropriate action!?

I am not a man no. And “if needs be” means if we are on holiday together and have A triple room. We take it in turns to share the big bed. Stuff like that. HTH

I don’t think there is anything ick in any of this. Sounds just like the OP is jealous. A dad with his screensaver set to his daughter? Mine is set to my adult son and his dog. Is that pervy??

When you get with someone with kids, if they’re a good parent, you will always play second fiddle.

A single Dad friend of mine took his 15 year old DD to Euro Disney last week. They definitely shared a room, don’t know about the bed situation, but absolute nothing untoward is happening. It’s normal.

Someone I went out with did this with his younger sister - the bikini photos 🤮

Very weird family dynamic - his mum idolised him and he was treated as head of the household, or rather 2nd in command to his mum. His dad and his sister were just passive bystanders. His mum would buy him fake tan and he was her little prince(ss).

They got him a flat of his own in his mid 20s but were still inviting him on family holidays abroad presumably so they could work on their real tans together. Holidaying with your family isn’t weird, but doing it at the expense of seeing a long distance girlfriend you’d been with for just a few months during half term was red flags as to who he prioritised. Himself basically. His mother a close second.

It's normal when it's child. When it's 30 year old adult, it's weird. It's called enmeshing. The normal process is to grow up and make your primary relationship someone other than a parent. Not doing this is a part of a condition called failure to launch.

It's damaging for both parties. The child, because they're not 'launching' into full adulthood. The parent, because it damages other primary relationships.

Yes, DS's dad was a bit like this with his DD. She's now pregnant and DS has been unceremoniously dumped. (He's disputing parentage despite being in the operating theatre when I gave birth to DS.) He's estranged from his oldest son as well. He's in his 60s, I'm in my 30s and his DD is in her 20s.

Jeez that's weird !! There would be no going back for me .

Well she has managed to form outside relationships as she is married.

OP also said he and his daughter shared a family room with his adult daughter and her baby.

The person I talk about has a screensaver of his teenage stepdaughter on his phone. Not his actual daughter, and he refers to her as his daughter and lets her give him manicures. Seriously.

Sorry im getting muddled with sharing a bed! I wouldnt like sharing a room either but some people would rather that than pay for 2 rooms.

Even If the case I described I am reluctant to use the word incestuous. My perception was that it was more Narcissistic and chauvinistic than anything else. Wanting someone to reflect his perception of himself out to the world.
He was bragging to other men, primarily. And using his daughter for that, rather than as sexual fodder.

Sure. But is her primary relationship with her husband or her father.

Sounds like you’re well rid off him to me