Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

[Netcurtainswithlead]

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Are you the OP's besotted boyfriend?
Why on earth would you share a bed with your adult children on holiday?

Incest porn is (largely) step family relationships. Not saying that all hunky dory but it’s quite rare to get porn outside the step family context. And the father’s DD is not a stepdaughter

I agree that the room sharing you describe is grim, and I’m not surprised this causes issues in your relationship

I'm glad you are out of it. He isn't fit for you but I'm glad he loves his kids and doesn't need now a strange woman buggering him

Other people’s children by Joanna Trollope addresses this and lots of other blended families step children etc issues and I would commend it to anyone in these sorts of situations

As that poster says, IF NEEDS BE.

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i will never forget when staying at some - distant(ish) - relatives one year and there were loads of us and not enough rooms (still less beds). And my brother and I went to share a bed as neither of us were going to sleep on the floor.

And relatives so shocked. Brother marched out and had to sleep on floor somewhere else.

At first we thought they were joking/messing around - but when we realised they weren’t, we weren’t sure whether to be shocked/appalled at the insinuation we were going to have an incestuous fuck or find it highly amusing (or a bit of both).

Still, it said a lot more about them, I think, than about my brother and myself

I'm for the man here. My daughters were aupairs to few single dads with daughters, great love and care but not incest. Just a man who loves his own....what a crappy thread ...mn is sometimes vipers den against men for no reason.

The thread about the guy putting nappy cream. If your mother is cleaned in a care home by a male worker, would you post about it here or you would be glad someone helps your mum not being burnt by leaking urine

As a matter of interest, does anyone know why I’ve got that weird black ‘strong’ box appearing?

The scenario crops up regularly on the Stepparenting page, it’s called “spousification”

And now mn make a thread about gay men fathers who father kids from babies. How about that one...

You wouldn't dare , would you, accuse all guys , who are gay, who co sleep with their kids, bathe their kids with their own hands....crazy people on sm today...but you would tear down a straight man because he didn't play sugar daddy to you, cos he has his own female girl already...L my ass off

I don't know if this is a modern thing, but I've been out with men who are obsessed with their grown up children. One guy had 1 week on, 1 week off custody of his 17 year old teenage children and when they were with him, literally couldn't do a thing, not see a friend for a drink or go out for a coffee as he wouldn't leave them on their own.

A friend had to break up with a guy because he was too busy driving his 21-year-old son around (son was `too frightened' to learn to drive) to see her much.

Another one refused to stay the night with a friend as he had to be back every night for his 30-year-old daughter who didn't like being alone in the house.

It's taking helicopter parenting to a whole new level.

It's weird shit like this that make me wish men and their perverted opinions were banned from Mumsnet.

There can be emotional incest if not physical incest. This is parentification or spousification - and it is never the child or young adults fault.

The DF likely has leant on her emotionally and inappropriately to fill his emotional void. This will have caused her deep emotional damage even if she is not aware of it. Clearly this treatment by him has caused her to have boundary and attachment issues - and I see him (probably loving it) triangulating you into this by telling you she doesn’t like you - he wants the thrill of you both fighting over him.

You are well out of this. I would be interested to know what his relationship history is and what happened to her DM. I also feel sad that his control and utilisation of his DD will negatively impact any relationship she has including that of the father of her young child.

The scenario OP described is not uncommon.

The father is in a new relationship and, rightly, is prioritising his much loved daughter over the new girlfriend of 12 months. (And, yes, he has an affectionate relationship with her - and different families/dynamics have different ways of showing affection).

His daughter may well regard her father’s new girlfriend as the cuckoo in the nest and, perhaps unsurprisingly, resents/doesn’t like the intruder. And visa versa.

In such circumstances, without considerable effort by all concerned ed, the relationship is likely to fail or be fraught. And in the circumstances the OP describes, I think it for the best for the father/partner that tbe relationship is at an end

You've never even met these people and you are talking like you know exactly what problems they have in life and so on. Its ridiculous.

I never construed spousification as incestuous - just (usually) separated parents who develop unhealthy attachments to their children out of guilt and/or desperation

Spousification is emotional incest not physical incest.

My brother and my mum also have a weirdly enmeshed relationship. Not sexual or anything (although they sleep in the same bed quite often), but definitely well beyond what would be healthy.

……..he even had my mum do his swipes on tinder as he’s recently separated and hasn’t dated in a couple decades.

These are well researched and documented psychological concepts observed in systematic dysfunctional family dynamics.

It’s up the OP if any of this resonates with her or not and helps her understand the situation she finds herself in, or not.

These are well researched and documented psychological concepts observed in systematic dysfunctional family dynamics.

It’s up the OP if any of this resonates with her or not and helps her understand the situation she finds herself in, or not.

some examples of family enmeshment (none of these involve anything sexual):

If you grew up in an enmeshed family, these common signs of enmeshment will be familiar to you.

Theres a lack of emotional and physical boundaries.
You don’t think about whats best for you or what you want; it’s always about pleasing or taking care of others.
You feel responsible for other peoples happiness and wellbeing.
You’re guilted or shamed if you want less contact (don’t talk to your mother every week or want to spend a holiday without your parents) or you make a choice thats good for you (such as move across the country for a great job opportunity).
Your parents self-worth seems to hinge on your success or accomplishments.
Your parents want to know everything about your life.
Your parents lives center around yours.
Your parents don’t encourage you to follow your dreams and may impose their ideas about what you should be doing.
Family members overshare personal experiences and feelings in a way that creates unrealistic expectations, unhealthy dependence, confused roles. Often, enmeshed parents treat their children as friends, rely on them for emotional support, and share inappropriate personal information.
You feel like you have to meet your parents expectations, perhaps giving up your own goals because they don’t approve.
You try to avoid conflicts and don’t know how to say no.
You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
You absorb other peoples feelings feel like you need to fix other peoples problems.

I don’t think a man should be sharing a bed with his teenage daughter and thinking back in the jobs I’ve had over the years, if a teenage girl said she had shared a bed with her father we would be expected to at least discuss that with safeguarding.

Quite frankly I find you trying to justify incest porn on the grounds its mainly step family pretty sick.
Is this a genre you watch yourself?

Yeah, and mostly for good reason.

But are you their mother or father? Huge difference.