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Original poster

Partner besotted with his adult daughter.

259 replies

Netcurtainswithlead · 27/08/2025 21:59

Another post on here has prompted me to write this.

I have ended my relationship of a year in the last few days but want some other people’s views and experiences as I’m having some difficulty getting my head around this.

Boyfriend was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had adult married daughter 15 years younger than me.
I gradually became aware that he was besotted with her. If anyone has seen A Bouquet of Barbed Wire it was like that. He had her picture as his screensaver, took her as his plus one to social dos instead of me sometimes, went on holiday with her and her baby staying in a family room and bought her gifts that I would have thought were more appropriate for her husband to buy her. I used to think he liked to play happy families with her and her baby. They had shared a bed on holiday many times when she was a teenager, he told me this. She was brought up very privileged and her husband didn’t earn much, they struggled for cash and my BF gave her a lot of money. I began to feel he talked about her as if she were his wife. He told me many times that she didn’t like me and she would not go to his house if I was there even though we only met briefly a couple of times. I had done nothing whatsoever ever to warrant this.

I’m not asking if people think this was an inappropriate relationship between my BF and his daughter because in my opinion it was. What I want to know is if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 28/08/2025 07:18

DoRayMeMeMe · 28/08/2025 07:16

I knew a daughter in a similarly weird scenario, and I think some poster are being deliberately obtuse about the dynamic.

Her father (still with Mum) used to complain that no one in the family was hot.
She trained with a PT for a year before his 70th birthday so that she would be “hot” for him. He told her it was the best present he had ever got. Apparently on that beach holiday he basically walked around as if she was his wife and his wife was his MIL.

This woman did not comprehend the aghast faces at the table at all.

There is no need to call the dynamic incestuous or SA, but his dynamic with his daughter doesn’t leave space for him to have an adult relationship with a woman.

No. if you think it is incestuous you should call it that? Why would you not?

ChersHandbag · 28/08/2025 07:18

Yes exactly, nobody is saying it is always bad to share, I agree with PP people are being deliberately obtuse. Surely you can see that within all family settings the same thing can come to have different meanings depending on the intentions and dynamic involved. It is precisely in these grey areas that what you might call ‘emotional incest’ hides.

Ivenoname · 28/08/2025 07:22

Study into the prevalence of incest has shown it is far more common than thought.
There is also concern about the dramatic rise in popularity of incest porn, which is contributing to the normalisation of incest .
I think it's concerning on this thread that a number of pp are trying to present bed sharing and inappropriate closeness between parents and children of opposite sex as actually nothing to worry about.

Greenfinch7 · 28/08/2025 07:23

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

Me too-
All this also goes for my adult sons

drhf · 28/08/2025 07:23

Are you Melania Trump?

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 07:26

Greenfinch7 · 28/08/2025 07:23

Me too-
All this also goes for my adult sons

Show quote history

How disgusting. Honestly stop. This thread is grim.

nomas · 28/08/2025 07:29

Pryceosh1987 · 28/08/2025 00:52

The hard part of relationships is that there will always be someone we butt head with, its hard to change the mind of someone. The best thing you may have to do is try to find common ground with her. your man has a daughter. Every man loves being close to his daughter. You may have to talk to the husband as to why the daughter doesnt like you, and try to work on that.

They have split up,he is her man no more, thankfully.

WeirdyBeardyMarrowBabyLady · 28/08/2025 07:31

Glowingup · 28/08/2025 06:10

I can’t believe people are justifying this shit. No it is not normal for a dad to be “obsessed” with his 35 year old daughter and nor is it normal for a grown man to share a bed with his teenage daughter. It’s really not. If you do find yourself “obsessed” with fully grown almost middle aged adult children then something has gone a bit wrong. It’s emotionally if not physically incestuous. OP you are well out of this and the fact that the DD apparently hated you after meeting you once shows that this runs two ways. I knew a father daughter like this who would often get mistaken for a couple due to how they acted and it made my stomach turn.

But it’s the OP who says he is ‘obsessed’ and on fairly flimsy evidence. He may just love his daughter and be very close to her.

Screen savers and taking her to events in preference to a woman he’s only been dating for a few months are absolutely normal behaviours. We have no idea what the presents are but unless the OP says sex toys or lingerie then I can’t see it’s an issue.

The bed thing can clearly be very be weird depending on context but equally it may be totally explainable.

The OP is perfectly entitled not to like their relationship and to end hers on the back of it but I’m not sure it warrants a MN pile on of insinuation that the man is somehow sexually abusing his daughter.

hungrypanda4 · 28/08/2025 07:32

This isn’t common but it absolutely does happen. Very strange. Be glad to be out of it.

Readyforslippers · 28/08/2025 07:35

I don't really understand what's strange about it? They just seem close, if he was the mum would you think the same things were strange? I think it's great that he loves and puts his daughter first.

Strawberrydelight78 · 28/08/2025 07:36

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

I share a bed with my daughter on holiday but not with my son. It's just inappropriate. He kept getting into our bed at one holiday cottage he has severe autism. I think he thought because he sometimes used to get in my bed or his sisters when he was little. My daughter also has autism she would just let him. But I had to explain to him boys can't sleep with their mum when their grown up but girls can. It's just not appropriate if I allowed it he would think he could get into bed.

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 28/08/2025 07:39

Yes, if you think it was child abuse, report him. If you don’t, then accept you were jealous of the closeness and find someone else.

David Beckham would probably tick all the same boxes. He looks adoringly at his daughter. Everyone just goes Aw that’s cute.

Makehaysunshine · 28/08/2025 07:41

Looking adoringly at your daughter is good parenting. The behaviour described here is definitely very inappropriate.

CharlotteLightandDark · 28/08/2025 07:41

Emotional incest is a bit like when a child is parentified and put in the role of partner and given adult responsibilities they’re not emotionally mature enough to cope with, or when a parent uses their child as a companion in ways that aren’t age appropriate. If it’s a mother and daughter the term enmeshment might be used which is like a lack of boundaries and separation between parent and child. I think it’s a similar thing at play but when the parent is a father and the child a daughter (or vice versa) it gives it another level of ickiness. But is problematic for the child either way.

CharlotteLightandDark · 28/08/2025 07:42

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 28/08/2025 07:39

Yes, if you think it was child abuse, report him. If you don’t, then accept you were jealous of the closeness and find someone else.

David Beckham would probably tick all the same boxes. He looks adoringly at his daughter. Everyone just goes Aw that’s cute.

no I think most people think it’s a bit much

curious79 · 28/08/2025 07:46

I’ve had a scenario where my father had a girlfriend (post mum’s death) who was jealous of our relationship and would try and ascribe all sorts of horrid motives. Implying it was weird/incestous. We are simply close and I am the Apple of his eye. My DH feels the same about his kids, as I do. I would attend events with Dad. If we needed to share a room, yes I would.

Hithismyname · 28/08/2025 07:46

It's definitely weird. I wouldn't like it. Doesn't mean anything is going on but it's still weird.

AngelinaFibres · 28/08/2025 07:54

BitOutOfPractice · 27/08/2025 22:20

Erm, I do a lot of those things with my adult DDs. Go on holiday, give them help and support and sometimes money, share a bed with them on holiday if needs be, most definitely have them as screen savers. I think they’re the most marvellous creatures that ever walked the earth. I didn’t realise there was anything wrong with any of that.

Do you have DC OP?

Edited

If you are a man and share a bed with your adult daughters on holiday that is utterly weird. " If needs be....". Who the hell has a holiday where the bed situation means they need to share a bed with their adult children ...ever. Weird, weird , weird.

Anchorage56 · 28/08/2025 07:56

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 05:49

No they are not - it’s grim and I wouldn’t stand for it either as a mother or girlfriend. I would be inclined to speak to social services if they are minors re sleeping arrangements.

Show quote history

So are you saying it's ok for mothers to do these things but not fathers? Or just any parent?

AngelinaFibres · 28/08/2025 07:58

Readyforslippers · 28/08/2025 07:35

I don't really understand what's strange about it? They just seem close, if he was the mum would you think the same things were strange? I think it's great that he loves and puts his daughter first.

You think a grown woman of 35 sharing a bed with her father aged 65 is necessary, normal or in any way fine. I cannot imagine any situation where I would have found myself in that position. My father was my father, not a pseudo boyfriend.

Nestingbirds · 28/08/2025 08:01

curious79 · 28/08/2025 07:46

I’ve had a scenario where my father had a girlfriend (post mum’s death) who was jealous of our relationship and would try and ascribe all sorts of horrid motives. Implying it was weird/incestous. We are simply close and I am the Apple of his eye. My DH feels the same about his kids, as I do. I would attend events with Dad. If we needed to share a room, yes I would.

But not a bed?

PeonyPatch · 28/08/2025 08:01

Aquababe73 · 28/08/2025 00:38

Sharing a bed with an adult STEPdaughter is hella creepy. Definitely Woody Allen vibes

Show quote history

Very!!!

PeonyPatch · 28/08/2025 08:01

Don’t think I’d be sharing a bed with my Dad. I would with Mum, but not Dad. Boundaries!

Anchorage56 · 28/08/2025 08:05

AngelinaFibres · 28/08/2025 07:58

You think a grown woman of 35 sharing a bed with her father aged 65 is necessary, normal or in any way fine. I cannot imagine any situation where I would have found myself in that position. My father was my father, not a pseudo boyfriend.

Show quote history

That's not what the OP said, it was when she was a kid they shared a bed, not as a grown woman

Readyforslippers · 28/08/2025 08:07

AngelinaFibres · 28/08/2025 07:58

You think a grown woman of 35 sharing a bed with her father aged 65 is necessary, normal or in any way fine. I cannot imagine any situation where I would have found myself in that position. My father was my father, not a pseudo boyfriend.

Show quote history

I think it's as fine as her sharing with her mum. Particularly as it sounds like they maybe booked a family holiday and it was probably the only bed. There doesn't have to be anything wrong about it.

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