Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

right now your friends don’t have any single friends but surely over the many many years gone by… friends would have introduced you to friends? Colleagues? Brothers?!

That goes along with what I've heard about him, thanks for confirming I should steer clear

Hmm so I've also had lot of exposure to people, I've moved both within the country and abroad, changed jobs many times, have previously lived in house shares, had to make friends from scratch when I've moved etc. When I say don't enjoy meeting strangers, I mean exactly that, I don't enjoy it, not that I'm bad at it. In my job I've been asked to do things before based on the fact that I'm one of the more socially competent people. So yes, I can occasionally be awkward, and I won't pretend I haven't ever felt a little bit anxious in new situations, but like you I'm not the shy child I once was. I'm perfectly capable of navigating social situations, I just don't enjoy people until the point where I know them at least a little bit.

If anything, the fact that I'm not emotionally invested in strangers means I'm actually more relaxed on dates, I specifically don't worry if men like me on a date because if they don't then I never have to see them again. So I'm possibly bringing more of my full self than I might in say a hobby group where it takes me a bit longer to feel comfortable opening up. But people seem to be suggesting that I maybe need to worry a bit more what dates think of me, as I might be coming across as completely uncaring, so maybe I just need to find a better balance.

When you say "I love to learn about what makes someone tick, I love the idiosyncrasies, I love laughter and the feeling of connection whether it be a friendship or romantic." I totally relate to this, but only once I've met someone a at least a few times. Of course with some people it comes quicker than others, but I very rarely feel this after meeting someone just once or twice.

And yes I too see meeting strangers as an opportunity to make friends/something more, which is why I've made a lot of effort across my life and particularly in the last few years to put myself out there. But I still find the initial meeting stage to be something I have to get through because the reward of a potential new friend/relationship is worth it, not because I enjoy the process. And although I haven't had a relationship, I do have some very close friends who I talk to about anything and everything, so I don't think it's true that I'm afraid of emotional intimacy, at least in a friend context.

So I don't know, I can see why you might think I'm just suffering from social anxiety, but I don't really relate to that description. Maybe I am just different to you?

No, mostly because of the whole not enjoying talking to strangers thing, but also because I value mutual trust in a relationship, and would find it really challenging to have a one-sided relationship where I'm talking about deeply personal issues with someone I know very little about. Again, I fully accept this is a me problem.

I might be willing to try it if I could imagine exactly how it might help me, but I just don't really get what a therapist could say that would be helpful that a friend hasn't already said to me. I've also doing quite a lot of googling and have yet to come across any concrete stories of exactly how therapy has helped someone in a similar situation. I would love to hear from anyone who has found it useful in similar circumstances though, because I feel like I must be missing something

You would think, right?! But somehow the answer has always been I don't know any single guys at all, or well I know one guy but he's the wrong age/not a very nice person/insert reason why it would be a terrible idea here. And when I was younger there was also the religious thing.

Maybe I've just not been asking friends often enough? Or too many of my coupled up friends only socialise with other couples? No idea tbh...

Unusual for no friend to have ever introduced you to a friend / colleague / brother with the idea of thinking you’re suited.

Have you asked your friends why not in the course of a couple of decades it’s never happened ?

I have, and all they've ever been able to say is they just don't know anyone, it's hard to meet people, I should just keep trying because I'm great and I'll eventually meet someone. So all very supportive and nice, but no actual help.

OK I actually once did have a friend introduce me to a guy, but it was someone she'd come across OLD and thought I'd be more suited to. So not quite the same as introducing me to a friend/colleague/brother

Op the fact that for 20 years none of your friends have said “op, let me intro you to my friend / colleague / brother as I’ve got a feeling that you’ll really hit it off” would make me wonder what on earth my friends think. I think you need to sit down with your closest friends and say “I understand you don’t have friend / colleague / brother etc now that we’re all edging 40 but come on guys…. Was their really no one you thought might like me and vice versa over the last…. 2 decades??”

I mean I haven't been asking friends for quite as long as 20 years because I assumed I'd meet someone naturally, and some I've obviously known some friends a lot less time than that. When I was younger, religion was a big factor in them not suggesting someone, now it genuinely seems to be that they don't know anyone even vaguely suitable. I don't think any friends are deliberately holding out on me or think I'm some terrible person that they wouldn't want to inflict on someone. But sure, I'll ask, because why not?

I wonder if you’re giving off the vibe that dating is a chore and you’d rather not be there. You sound a bit jaded and pessimistic. And with reason. But you can’t bring that persona to initial dates - you’ve got to come across as positive and enthusiastic even if it feels like a bit of an act. Try it and see if you start sparking more with your dates.

I mean yes I feel jaded and pessimistic, but I genuinely try and come across as positive and enthusiastic, even though yes it does feel like an act. Because of course it would suck for the other person to be on a date with someone who is clearly acting like they don't want to be there! I guess I just need to try harder...

Exactly
worth asking

You are clearly very educated and eloquent and also successful and sociable. You deserve someone who can match your qualities, but unfortunately there aren't enough guys like that to go around,, and competition for them is fierce.

I met my wife because we were both writing blogs about a shared interest and someone dared her to go on a date with another blogger. So we knew each other well in some ways but not at all in others. Maybe something like that could provide another avenue for getting to know people? I appreciate it may be a long shot though.

My thought wasn’t that your friends were keeping eligible men from you @HopelesslySinglejust that they maybe felt awkward introducing you to them as you come across as not being interested in relationships. When I think of my longterm single friends (longest is a male friend who has been single about 15 years), I kind of assume they’re happy that way or they would have done something about it, especially as they’re ambitious and go-getting in other areas of life. So I agree with the poster I’ve quoted: you need to be explicit and ask your friends to make introductions.

Thank you! I'm not really a very online person, I usually only lurk on MN. But maybe there are other ways I can think outside the box a little more

Ah well in that case yes I have already asked multiple friends explicitly. My close friends are all too aware of how much I want to be in a relationship, we've talked about it a lot over the years, they've tried to offer advice, sympathy, reassurance that there's nothing wrong with me etc, but have always been at a loss when I've asked if they know anyone single they could introduce me to.

My wider friend circle don't know as much about my (lack of) relationship history, but they're also aware that I'm looking for a relationship and have had no success with OLD etc. So I mean I haven't asked every single person I know, because that starts to sound a bit desperate, but I have asked a good number of friends/family members and they've never been able to come up with someone to set me up with.

I totally relate to this, but only once I've met someone a at least a few times. Of course with some people it comes quicker than others, but I very rarely feel this after meeting someone just once or twice.

I'm interested that you say you rarely feel a connection with someone after only meeting them once or twice and yet you're never going past the third date.

If that decision is yours then maybe you need to give people more time? And if the decision is theirs then maybe you need to figure out how to get to a deeper level faster?

I'm a natural introvert and rubbish in group situations but one thing I'm good at is quickly building a connection with someone one on one. The trick is to take a genuine interest in what makes the other person tick, ask meaningful questions and show a bit of vulnerability. If you ever watch dating programs like First Dates or Love Is Blind you'll see how the whole dynamic changes (for the better) as soon as they start doing this.

Well yes, obviously we’re all different to each other. At no point did I say you ‘just’ had social anxiety. I noticed you were quick to dismiss the notion of anxiety, in a situation which would be very normal to feel anxious about e.g. a first date. You repeatedly say you don’t enjoy meeting new people, but you don’t say why that is. Understanding this might provide some useful insight.

There is a big difference between being socially competent and able to make friends, and forming a romantic intimate partnership. Again it would be understandable to have some anxieties around this, given you’ve not had a relationship. There’s some incongruences throughout your posts which are interesting. You say you are more relaxed on dates because you essentially aren’t invested and don’t care if they don’t want to see you again… yet you are so keen for a relationship. Again this just seems like a defensive and self protective position. This ambivalence will be coming through in the way you relate / communicate on dates.

You seem quite dismissive of the idea of therapy too. Therapy is very different from just chatting with a friend. A good therapist has the expertise to recognise the subtle relational nuances and dynamics which may be at play, and can help you to explore how your past experiences are impacting the present. You seem to be wanting concrete answers, perhaps you are a more logic based person which can be tricky when relationships tend to be more emotionally driven and intangible. I don’t think therapy is something you necessarily need to pursue, but it can be helpful to reflect and consider what is going on internally - from reading your posts there seems to be an emotional block somewhere.

I think dating is particularly tough for women in their late 30s. Plus there’s a lack of decent men! So many of these factors you have no control of, but we’ve all got ‘stuff’ we carry with us and it can be helpful to acknowledge this. On a purely practical note, it is a numbers game and it sounds like you need to persevere through the initial dates and then you can hopefully enjoy it more.

So I suppose the fact that I don't feel a connection means I'm basing my decisions about whether I want to see someone again on my head rather than my heart. I.e. did we have an interesting conversation, did they make me laugh, did we have something in common, is there something about them I'd like to know more about, did they show an interest in me etc? Usually the answer to most of those things is no, and without any feelings involved (at least on my side), it quickly starts to feel a bit pointless. But I can try to give it more time on occasions where it's been my decision to end things.

I honestly do try to show genuine interest, ask meaningful questions and show some vulnerability. It's entirely possible I'm not succeeding at this, but it's not because those are things I haven't thought to try. A pp suggested watching First Dates upthread, so that's definitely now on my list of things I'm going to try

I wasn't trying to dismiss the suggestion, but while yes I do sometimes feel anxious, the description of social anxiety just doesn't really resonate with me. And while I understand many people feel anxious about first dates, I just don't. A date with someone I had met organically and was already interested in, on the other hand, I'm sure would induce some anxiety. Asking out someone out I'm interested in, also induced anxiety. I also probably would feel anxious if I did get to the point where a relationship was developing, but that hasn't happened so I can't really speak to that. So while it may sound incongruent, even though I very much want a relationship, I've never been on a date with someone where I particularly wanted a relationship with them specifically, and to me that's what makes the difference about whether or not I feel anxious.

To answer more about why I don't enjoy meeting new people, I suppose it's partly because spending time with someone when you're not emotionally invested is just not that rewarding (at least not to me), partly because there's effort involved in figuring them out. Will they appreciate my sense of humour or just think I'm weird, do they get sarcasm, are they ok with swearing or will they be offended, are they genuinely interested in xyz subject or should I stop rambling tc. Whereas once I know someone all that stuff is almost effortless, I don't feel like I have to give backstories when talking about my life, I already know the backstories to their life so sharing anecdotes requires less context etc. So if I had to um it up I'd say that meeting new people requires a lot of effort and not much reward, whereas once I've known someone a while the ratio switches to lots of reward and much less effort. Not sure that captures it fully though, it's hard to put into words why I don't enjoy a thing when it's not necessarily fully explainable. Just like with cycling, some people enjoy it and some don't, I'm not sure there necessarily is always a reason as to why people differ.

I appreciate I sounded very dismissive of therapy - it's a subject that has come up with friends before so I have given it a lot of thought. I just don't really understand what or how a therapist could say that would be helpful, and no-one has ever been able to explain it to me beyond I find it useful to have someone to talk to. In fact the comparison with talking to a friend was based on a friend who described her therapist as basically like having another wise friend. And I have had very many conversations with (wise) friends over the years, in lots of depth, with lots of self reflection and insights from them about who I am as a person, how my brain works, how we are similar/different from each other, so to me therapy feels like more of that. And yes you're right I am quite a logic-based person, so if I don't have a clear idea of how something would be useful, or some concrete examples from other people where they can explain how it's useful, it's hard to convince myself that it's worth a shot. Having said all that, I am still considering whether to give therapy a go, I'm just not at all keen on the idea.

And I really appreciate you posting, even if I don't necessarily relate to what you've said. I have a close friend who likes to challenge me, and even though I don't necessarily come round to her way of thinking, like you say it is really beneficial to stop and ask myself questions about why I'm feeling a certain way or did a certain thing. But ultimately yes I'm aware there are no concrete answers, and in a way much of the advice comes down to just keep trying.

Well at least it leaves you lots of time to mumsnet OP!

I'd had 3 lovely "serious" romances from the ages 14-20. So young/first love. Teen love, then young adult love.

I became single roughly around 21. I finished uni, started my career, made new friends, travelled the world. Had a great time. Had no intention of bagging a man.

Met my DH shy of 29yrs old, but those years I was single, I had a blast & loved life.

Haha true 😂

I'm glad you enjoyed those years of being single, sounds like you made the most of it! I've done my best to have a blast and love my life and have done all of those things you mention, but it gets tiring after not just years but decades of being alone, or at least for me it has

I'm interested that you've been single for life (and hate it) and yet are still not willing to invest a bit more time dating someone you're unsure about on the off chance it could go somewhere. I've not been in your shoes but I feel like I'd be curious just to give someone a try so I could experience getting past the first few dates stage. It seems like there's something holding you back - fear of getting hurt? Fear of feeling like you've settled? Fear of what others would think?