Page 12 | Lifelong single and hate it

HopelesslySingle · 2025-08-27T13:49:48+00:00

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush. I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house. If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:48

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 07:25

Really sorry if missed (but you’re posted a lot of long posts and I have lost track l!) but would you like children OP?

Haha yes sorry, I tend to waffle on sometimes, and wasn't expecting to have so many responses so it's turned into a much longer thread than I expected!

I want(ed) kids, but not enough to go down the single mother route. And while I'm not so old it's impossible, at my age and circumstances it's highly improbable, and I've made my peace with that

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Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:56

Wildfairy · 29/08/2025 07:29

Op. Can I ask a very shallow question as I see you’ve had every suggestion thrown at you, but it appears not this one, how do you present yourself, as in how do you dress, when you go on dates, or hang out with the man you’re attracted to. How do you do your hair and make up, wear fragrance, good supportive underwear etc. I see you do find some men attractive , albeit not many, but when you do, they don’t feel it back . Men are visual creatures, so when it comes to first dates, how we present is key.

I have a loose friend who I met at uni, she was also religious, and not so much now, but if I’m completely honest, she dresses really frumpy and in a unattractive manner, not great clothes, shapeless and dated, or very low effort, her hair is in a practical style, there is nothing about the way she presents men would find attractive, nothing elegant, or youthful, fashionable, sexy, or fun, even when she thinks she’s making an effort , she’s bordering on hailey from corrie. She’s a lovely lady, but she wears the clothing style her religious upbringing expected of her, everyone, probably wrongly will say oh you look nice, but she’s the female equivalent of the middle aged bloke in socks and sandals, and as shallow as it is, men really are visual creatures and presenting in an attractive manner is key.

I was asked this upthread but I appreciate it's a long one!

I'm relatively low maintenance but do make some effort with my appearance, don't wear makeup every day but do when socialising, have a varied wardrobe including wearing dresses pretty frequently, have decent underwear etc. Of course I do also dress casually so the friend I have a crush on has seen me in everything from full face of makeup party mode to shorts and t shirt and no makeup.

But on dates I always wear makeup but not a full face, tend to wear something that I think looks flattering and matches the activity, e.g. casual dress or jeans and a nice top. I could always go a bit more overboard but don't want to go to far and over dress when it's just a drink or going for a walk

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Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:59

Wish I hadn't mentioned the word introvert! I don't make it my whole personality or anything but I have a number of friends who are similar to me when it comes to socialising etc so in my friend groups it's not a contradiction. Will still clear of mentioning in future though as it seems to have sparked a debate!

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Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 10:01

autienotnaughty · 29/08/2025 08:01

Have you tried to make some single friends? Doing group meet up activities may feel more comfortable and you would be sharing the journey of being single with people who understand.

I have some single friends, but of course many of my friends who used to be single then coupled up! I've also been to singles meetups but that group closed down and events from other singles groups I follow have conflicted with other plans. But I'm keeping an eye out

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Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 10:17

Plastictreees · 29/08/2025 08:44

My hunch from reading all your posts is that you are approaching dating from a logic rather than feelings perspective, and it may be helpful to switch this up, especially on the actual dates. It certainly helps to be logical when considering the logistics of OLD, particularly filtering the wheat from the chaff! And it is largely a numbers game, location matters, etc etc.

But actually on the date, and building some type of connection / anticipation beforehand requires more an emotionally driven approach. People like people based on how they make them feel after all, which is influenced by all those intangible factors such as chemistry, attraction, warmth, body language. Too much of a ‘logic driven’ approach won’t work when trying to build connection and intimacy, and this really comes across in your posts. Feeling anxious is normal, and the anxious thoughts you describe are normal - if this was impeding your dates there are techniques that can help re-focus your attention outwards so that you’re not focusing on the minutiae of the interaction. You’re saying though that you feel nothing in the build up to the date, or on the date, so there is some sort of block here. Communicating before the date should mean that you at least have some common interests and you are intrigued enough to have some excitement to meet the person. Can you re-frame your thinking around not enjoying meeting strangers - as once you’ve exchanged a number of messages you should know enough about them to feel you’re not going in totally blind. This isn’t a blind date after all. You seem very fixed on just not enjoying meeting people, when some flexibility of thinking may be helpful, perhaps you could surprise yourself, rather than have the outcome already scripted.

Again viewing dating or relationships with an effort vs reward mindset is unlikely to be helpful. In the dating and honeymoon period of relationships there tends to be far more ‘rewards’ than maintaining a long term relationship/ household further down the line. You will have all sorts of complexities to navigate which can be very challenging, the merging of two lives and everything that comes with it (managing conflict, both people’s insecurities, tricky family members) is different from friendships. You are assuming a lot of how you’re going to feel when it’s uncharted territory for you.

It could be that you’ve just not met the ‘right’ person, and when you do you will start to feel something on the date. However if you notice that you continue to feel nothing, then therapy can be really helpful in exploring this sort of emotional block. It takes many years to train as a therapist or psychologist, engaging in therapy is not the same as chatting with friends (unless your friends are qualified psychologists, who are providing you therapy, which would be unethical!). Again you are wanting some sort of concrete ideas of precisely how therapy will help, when issues of this nature are more emotions based and influenced by your attachment style, relational patterns, ingrained beliefs about yourself and the world… there won’t be a tick box solution to this. But therapy can provide an exploratory space for additional insight into why and how you are feeling so stuck, which can create change.

I do think it would be helpful for you to lean into your feelings more and be mindful of creating barriers for yourself. I think moving away from viewing dates as ‘strangers’ is a good first step! Try to focus on asking some meaningful/ interesting questions before the date, to build some connection and anticipation. Definitely not all dry small talk! There is a safety in being detached and ‘feeling nothing’, there is vulnerability in having the courage to open yourself up to feeling and potentially getting hurt. But it’s also the only way you are going to meaningfully connect with someone, so hopefully you can try to approach dates differently and also persevere past the initial awkwardness.

Thanks for the very thoughtful reply! Yes I am very logical and have been told that by friends before. It's really hard to switch that part of my brain off though. I know dating should be all about emotions and connections, but if I'm not naturally feeling anything then it's hard to force it.

And yes I'm fully aware long term relationships have all sorts of other potential pitfalls and while there may be some similarities with close friendships they are also of course very different things. But I'm not really focusing on that because like you say I can only make assumptions about how I would feel if and when I ever get to that point.

There are men who I've had very strong feelings for, so it's not like I'm incapable of attraction or being open to feelings, it just has unfortunately never been reciprocated. And I have also made myself vulnerable in asking guys out etc. As PPs have said, I maybe need to give it more time when meeting someone through OLD, and also need to go on many more dates.

I do try not to think of dates just as strangers. It's not that I'm actively reinforcing that view, it's just how it feels to me, but I can try harder to change my thought patterns and maybe be more creative when messaging.

I do talk about attachment styles, ingrained beliefs etc. with friends, so I have explored all of those things in quite a lot of depth over the years. But I take your point that none of those friends are trained. I'm still really not keen on the idea but I'll give it some more thought

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Gymbunny2025 · 29/08/2025 11:31

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:59

Wish I hadn't mentioned the word introvert! I don't make it my whole personality or anything but I have a number of friends who are similar to me when it comes to socialising etc so in my friend groups it's not a contradiction. Will still clear of mentioning in future though as it seems to have sparked a debate!

I would ignore posters questioning if you are an introvert tbh. Nothing wrong with saying you are! Not controversial 😂

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 11:59

Gymbunny2025 · 29/08/2025 11:31

I would ignore posters questioning if you are an introvert tbh. Nothing wrong with saying you are! Not controversial 😂

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You would say that @Gymbunny2025 as you’re a very advocate for the labels! 😆

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 12:01

How much socialising do you do op?

If friends same age - most of them surely have kids? Aging parents? Careers? And time is very limited esp at weekends!

SallyDraperGetInHere · 29/08/2025 12:03

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:24

Yeah I have wondered if being in a very male dominated field has led me to be too practiced at giving off a friendly and/or professional vibe, so it's possible I do need to make more effort to give off a flirty/sexual vibe in social situations

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This is a really good observation.

Crushed23 · 29/08/2025 12:31

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 09:48

Haha yes sorry, I tend to waffle on sometimes, and wasn't expecting to have so many responses so it's turned into a much longer thread than I expected!

I want(ed) kids, but not enough to go down the single mother route. And while I'm not so old it's impossible, at my age and circumstances it's highly improbable, and I've made my peace with that

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You’re late 30s which is, what, 37-39? It is not “highly improbable” that you’ll have a baby! If you were 5 years older, maybe, but you’ve still got time in your late 30s. Like I said upthread, you’re really only getting started with dating. I wouldn’t even say you’re “bad” at dating, as you keep saying, all you are is someone who wasn’t impressed with the first 15 men they went on dates with - perfectly normal.

Gemi33 · 29/08/2025 13:13

Hi OP

I completely understand, I've been single nearly my whole life. I'm now early 40s and it's really hard. Men just have never been very interested in me. I have tried online dating (although I hate it) but not been successful. It seems so easy for everyone else to meet someone but it's never been like that for me.

xx

Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:16

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 12:01

How much socialising do you do op?

If friends same age - most of them surely have kids? Aging parents? Careers? And time is very limited esp at weekends!

Usually 2 nights a week are taken up with hobby groups, 1 other night or weekend day socialising with friends from one of the hobbies, and maybe 1 other separate meetup event or seeing other friends. So 3-4 times a week on average I guess, but it varies from week to week.

I'm sure someone will tell me that's not much at all and someone else will say it's too much 😂 But it suits me.

I do have many friends with kids yes, surprisingly few caring for parents, but those tend to be the friends who live further away so I see them less frequently anyway. The friends I see on a weekly basis are a mix of ages and they either have no kids or their kids are older so not as restrictive

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Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:21

Crushed23 · 29/08/2025 12:31

You’re late 30s which is, what, 37-39? It is not “highly improbable” that you’ll have a baby! If you were 5 years older, maybe, but you’ve still got time in your late 30s. Like I said upthread, you’re really only getting started with dating. I wouldn’t even say you’re “bad” at dating, as you keep saying, all you are is someone who wasn’t impressed with the first 15 men they went on dates with - perfectly normal.

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It's not highly improbable based on my age alone, no, but combined with my dating history it very much feels like the odds are not in my favour. I haven't given up entirely but personally I find it more helpful to accept that kids are unlikely to happen and if I turn out to be wrong and I do meet someone in time, well then that's a bonus!

And yes, just getting started in terms of number of dates, but not in terms of how long I've been trying to date. But let's be optimistic and hope that I somehow manage to increase my frequency of getting dates enough to meet someone I do click with!

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HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:26

Gemi33 · 29/08/2025 13:13

Hi OP

I completely understand, I've been single nearly my whole life. I'm now early 40s and it's really hard. Men just have never been very interested in me. I have tried online dating (although I hate it) but not been successful. It seems so easy for everyone else to meet someone but it's never been like that for me.

xx

Thanks for the reply, I agree it's a tough place to be in. And yes I too am baffled by how some people manage to find a relationship while seemingly not even trying and yet some of us get nowhere even when we do try. I hope you do eventually find someone if that's still what you want, or if not that you otherwise have a lovely life. Sending solidarity!

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Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:26

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:16

Usually 2 nights a week are taken up with hobby groups, 1 other night or weekend day socialising with friends from one of the hobbies, and maybe 1 other separate meetup event or seeing other friends. So 3-4 times a week on average I guess, but it varies from week to week.

I'm sure someone will tell me that's not much at all and someone else will say it's too much 😂 But it suits me.

I do have many friends with kids yes, surprisingly few caring for parents, but those tend to be the friends who live further away so I see them less frequently anyway. The friends I see on a weekly basis are a mix of ages and they either have no kids or their kids are older so not as restrictive

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What are these hobbies?!

and socialising with people own age? I only ask because late thirties tends to be eye of the storm in terms of kids, career etc responsibilities

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:27

you seem to have loads and loads of
local friends
I remain baffled that none of these unconnected friends have ever thought “hey @HopelesslySingle you’re a catch let me set up a meet with my work colleague, friend, cousin….”

Yes definitely ask a few why not

Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:33

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:26

What are these hobbies?!

and socialising with people own age? I only ask because late thirties tends to be eye of the storm in terms of kids, career etc responsibilities

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I don't want to list all of my hobbies because if I do it might well be outing, but as I mentioned upthread I'm in a choir and play a sport.

And yes, as I said my long term friends are a similar age to me and are indeed in the thick of it, but my local friends are more mixed in ages, and none have very young children. I guess because people that have young kids haven't got as much time for hobbies or meetup groups, and I haven't lived in my current city long enough to have long term friends who have had kids since I met them

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Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:35

Given every suggestion has roundly been dismissed as either tried and not worked, or not something that will work for you….. get yourself a cat (better yet, dog for the walks) Op and crack on with enjoying your very full and satisfying social life.

There isn’t much more we can do beyond what has already been suggested 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:37

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:27

you seem to have loads and loads of
local friends
I remain baffled that none of these unconnected friends have ever thought “hey @HopelesslySingle you’re a catch let me set up a meet with my work colleague, friend, cousin….”

Yes definitely ask a few why not

I wouldn't say I have loads of loads, and most are in one big friend group so I'm not sure that's particularly unusual is it? I have asked friends to set me up, and they always say they don't know any eligible single men my age. I'll ask again next time I see some of them, but I'm not sure what else you're expecting them to say?

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Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:39

Nothing
that’s my point
there isn’t anything more to say.
12 pages in. You’ve posted 120 long detailed posts.

Just crack on and enjoy

Original poster

HopelesslySingle · 29/08/2025 14:43

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:35

Given every suggestion has roundly been dismissed as either tried and not worked, or not something that will work for you….. get yourself a cat (better yet, dog for the walks) Op and crack on with enjoying your very full and satisfying social life.

There isn’t much more we can do beyond what has already been suggested 🤷‍♀️

I absolutely have not dismissed every single suggestion, some things I said I'd try (e.g. thinking about how I come across on dates, trying to be more flirty, watching reality dating shows for inspiration), some I have tried but will continue to try (e.g. OLD, group holidays, meetup) some I've said I'll think about (e.g. therapy). And others yes I have dismissed. Including getting a pet so no I won't be giving up and getting a cat 😂

Genuinely not sure why you're still posting if you think I'm so hopeless, or what it is you think I should be saying? Other than accepting my fate and getting a cat...

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Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:46

🤷‍♀️

good luck

got a whiff of attention seeking now

Crushed23 · 29/08/2025 14:47

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:39

Nothing
that’s my point
there isn’t anything more to say.
12 pages in. You’ve posted 120 long detailed posts.

Just crack on and enjoy

It’s OP’s thread, she can post as many times as she wants. Not sure what the problem is? Hide the thread if it’s upsetting you. I have found her posts interesting to read, and to me she appears to be receptive to the advice and not dismissive of it.

BlueyGreyWhale · 29/08/2025 14:48

Just try online dating again.

Now. Set up a profile on hinge and have another go. Also dont discount Tinder. I met my partner on there and its been nearly 3 years.

I do think online is the way. Try try try again.

IllBeLookingAtTheMoon · 29/08/2025 14:48

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:46

🤷‍♀️

good luck

got a whiff of attention seeking now

Your own social skills must be amazing if you are so mindlessly rude to people in real life.