Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

I’m definitely an introvert. But I have friends from childhood, uni, mum friends, work friends, gym friends… I’m definitely not going out loads and spending all my free time with them. But I meet a lot of people

I like people but I also like being alone (and that’s how I recharge)

OP has answered this more than once already. She said she has to push herself to meet new people - she doesn't feel intimidated, just finds it hard work. But says she is socially competent, good at getting to know people, and ends up with friends. She feels good about seeing friends, it's not hard work at that point.

I probably wouldn't call this introverted, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

No that’s not introverted to me either
but you’re right - makes no odds

Does enjoy time alone to recharge make you an introvert? Or just… like most people! No

Introverts aren’t shy though. They gain energy from being alone. The opposite of extroverts

There’s a lovely place called middle ground where you don’t 100% rely on people for energy nor do you 100% get drained of energy

Have you tried to make some single friends? Doing group meet up activities may feel more comfortable and you would be sharing the journey of being single with people who understand.

Well yes- it’s a spectrum isn’t it. You should read a bit about it. You’re born one way or the other maybe you’re an introvert! I agree I’m not sure it has much relevance to my life but I do very much know I’m an introvert.

I honestly can’t imagine ever wanting to read about introverts / extroverts!

That’s fair 😂 just odd you said OP isn’t one! As I said I got tested through work (company obviously has money to waste!)

I didn’t say that
I said the posts were contradictory

I love being with friends
I love being on my own
and that is the full extent to which I give this mumsnet obsession with labelling “introvert” or “extrovert”

so you could read about it and realise they’re not. Or not bother. Probably depends how bored you are tbf

id rather read the instructions for installing a boiler than read about that kind of silliness

This kind of thing always makes me 🤦🏼‍♀️

Introvert /extrovert was first theorised by Carl Jung in 1921. As if none of his psychoanalysis theories have ever been debunked?

What he actually said was most people are middle of the road with a tendency to either prefer alone time or time with others.

Now suddenly its treated as a medical diagnosis and a hard either or line.

Its neither here nor there to say one is an introvert. It's virtually meaningless.

I see your ex/introversion and raise you Myers-Briggs profiles 😂

Hallelujah!!!

That's because it isn't either or the way most people think it is.

Its an old psychoanalytic theory that doesnt mean much.

Aside from on mumsnet

where it means… everything!

💯

My hunch from reading all your posts is that you are approaching dating from a logic rather than feelings perspective, and it may be helpful to switch this up, especially on the actual dates. It certainly helps to be logical when considering the logistics of OLD, particularly filtering the wheat from the chaff! And it is largely a numbers game, location matters, etc etc.

But actually on the date, and building some type of connection / anticipation beforehand requires more an emotionally driven approach. People like people based on how they make them feel after all, which is influenced by all those intangible factors such as chemistry, attraction, warmth, body language. Too much of a ‘logic driven’ approach won’t work when trying to build connection and intimacy, and this really comes across in your posts. Feeling anxious is normal, and the anxious thoughts you describe are normal - if this was impeding your dates there are techniques that can help re-focus your attention outwards so that you’re not focusing on the minutiae of the interaction. You’re saying though that you feel nothing in the build up to the date, or on the date, so there is some sort of block here. Communicating before the date should mean that you at least have some common interests and you are intrigued enough to have some excitement to meet the person. Can you re-frame your thinking around not enjoying meeting strangers - as once you’ve exchanged a number of messages you should know enough about them to feel you’re not going in totally blind. This isn’t a blind date after all. You seem very fixed on just not enjoying meeting people, when some flexibility of thinking may be helpful, perhaps you could surprise yourself, rather than have the outcome already scripted.

Again viewing dating or relationships with an effort vs reward mindset is unlikely to be helpful. In the dating and honeymoon period of relationships there tends to be far more ‘rewards’ than maintaining a long term relationship/ household further down the line. You will have all sorts of complexities to navigate which can be very challenging, the merging of two lives and everything that comes with it (managing conflict, both people’s insecurities, tricky family members) is different from friendships. You are assuming a lot of how you’re going to feel when it’s uncharted territory for you.

It could be that you’ve just not met the ‘right’ person, and when you do you will start to feel something on the date. However if you notice that you continue to feel nothing, then therapy can be really helpful in exploring this sort of emotional block. It takes many years to train as a therapist or psychologist, engaging in therapy is not the same as chatting with friends (unless your friends are qualified psychologists, who are providing you therapy, which would be unethical!). Again you are wanting some sort of concrete ideas of precisely how therapy will help, when issues of this nature are more emotions based and influenced by your attachment style, relational patterns, ingrained beliefs about yourself and the world… there won’t be a tick box solution to this. But therapy can provide an exploratory space for additional insight into why and how you are feeling so stuck, which can create change.

I do think it would be helpful for you to lean into your feelings more and be mindful of creating barriers for yourself. I think moving away from viewing dates as ‘strangers’ is a good first step! Try to focus on asking some meaningful/ interesting questions before the date, to build some connection and anticipation. Definitely not all dry small talk! There is a safety in being detached and ‘feeling nothing’, there is vulnerability in having the courage to open yourself up to feeling and potentially getting hurt. But it’s also the only way you are going to meaningfully connect with someone, so hopefully you can try to approach dates differently and also persevere past the initial awkwardness.

Be fair, @Wildfairy, Roy Cropper was besotted with Hayley!

Yeah I have wondered if being in a very male dominated field has led me to be too practiced at giving off a friendly and/or professional vibe, so it's possible I do need to make more effort to give off a flirty/sexual vibe in social situations

I admit it's not exactly the same as playing the violin, but I still think it's possible to be bad at dating, albeit clearly very uncommon to be this bad.

Anyway, my point was it's possible to try at things and not succeed. And I am trying, and will keep trying, and will try and do some things differently in future based on this thread, because even it might seem otherwise to some people on this thread, I do genuinely want a relationship.

I also don't think it's a contradiction to be an introvert but also be sociable and have hobbies. I'm introverted in the sense of needing alone time, and finding meeting new people tiring, but I also love hanging out with my friends and have some sociable hobbies. I'm not out every single night of the week though and some of my hobbies are solitary. I've seen people describe themselves as sociable introverts before so I guess that's me, but maybe I should have avoided the word introvert entirely, because it appears to be more of a loaded term for some people on here than in my friend circles.

Thanks for sharing another story of how first impressions with dating can be wrong, I really appreciate it!

I'm introverted in the sense of needing alone time, and finding meeting new people tiring

Is there anyone who doesn't need alone time and who doesnt get tired by social events.

I think it would help you to drop these labels. It would help most people to drop labels.