Lifelong single and hate it

[HopelesslySingle]

Am aware that this has been done before, but I'm genuinely at a loss. I'm in my late 30s, have never had a relationship, but really really want one. I've tried all the usual things - online dating, hobby groups, meetup groups, saying yes to social opportunities etc, even though I'm an introvert and would much rather hang out with friends than meet yet more strangers, but so far all that's gotten me is the occasional uninspiring date and an unrequited crush.

I'm aware the answer might be to just give up and accept being single, because clearly I'm doing something wrong, though I have no idea what, but I feel like I've also followed all the advice for that - I have a career, great friends, lots of hobbies, own a house etc, but none of those things really compensate for the lack of a relationship. I want companionship, physical affection and ideally to not spend the whole of the rest of my life coming to home to an empty house.

If they're not already my friends are probably fed up of me moaning about being single, so please, hit me with your advice as to how to either learn to live with or escape long term single life! Although ideally only if it actually worked for you/someone you know, e.g. I sometimes hear people suggest a matchmaker, but I've yet to come across a single story where that actually worked out.

I did notice that. We re now into nine pages, and it's still been nine pages of excuses for why she can't meet someone.

Well, no. As OP said upthread she has been on dates with 10-15 men, so to me, she is just getting started with dating (I’ve been on dates with literally 100+ men and I’m younger than OP and had relationships around all the dating). There is nothing wrong with not being impressed with the first 15 men of your dating journey and it’s very common to date dozens of men before meeting ‘the one’, so to speak. Casting your net wider and meeting lots of men is a better strategy than persisting with a man with whom there is zero spark/attraction after a few dates.

How do you imagine life with the/a right partner, @HopelesslySingle? What shape would your days take; what do you imagine sharing and not sharing; how's the communication between you? What will he add to your life, and you to his? Can you anticipate the welcome qualities he brings, and what are you offering him?

Yep, I’ve noticed too.

I am now not surprised no friend has ever introduced her to friend / colleague / brother

And you get the impression that what you describe is remotely the approach of the Op?

I'm not afraid of any of those things, and it's not so much that I've been unwilling to invest time so that I can't think of anyone I know in real life who met someone OLD, initially wasn't interested but then it grew into a relationship, so it has always felt like more than a handful of dates was flogging a dead horse. Not to mention at some point it starts to feel a bit mean continuing to date someone I don't have any real interest in. PPs have however shared stories where it has worked out despite not a great first impression, so that has encouraged me that it could be worth persisting for longer in future.

In most cases there have also been other reasons not to continue, e.g. the guy who made a sexist comment on the first date and was also rude about one of my hobbies was even more unkind on the second date and also proved to be a bad texter. And of course many of the guys I've dated weren't interested in me.

However there were a couple where it might have been worth persisting, and alongside the advice to think about how I come across on dates I'll be making an effort to keep dating guys like those for longer in future.

Lol this isn't AIBU, although clearly you think IABU, which is fair enough. But I wasn't giving excuses so much as trying to explain what specifically I find challenging about dating in the hopes that I'd get some useful advice. Which I have, so that's great

Depressing to think I count as a beginner at dating but numbers wise that is true I guess. I really need to work on getting more dates

Proved to be a bad texter? What does that mean?

Do you travel much OP? Holidays?

Any siblings? Are they in relationships? What is your parents relationship like?

Nothing to do with reasonable or unreasonable, but I do think you don't want to meet someone. Otherwise, you wouldn't be making excuses, and you d put some effort into it.

The end of the day it's your life and you can talk about it for another ten pages, or you can actually go out and do something about it

I'm not sure exactly how to answer this, I want all the usual things people want from a relationship. Someone to do stuff with, someone to do nothing with, someone to build a life with. As to what I bring, friends say I'm easy going, empathetic, fun, interesting. I have my life together, with the very obvious exception of relationships, so I like to think I have lot to offer.

Obviously you're entitled to your opinion but that feels a little harsh. While not really caring what strangers think is clearly a hindrance in the dating world, when it comes to the internet it's a plus, so I shall be listening to my friends when they assure me if they did come across any eligible single men they would introduce me rather than an anonymous stranger. But thanks for your input and I hope you have a lovely day!

He ignored more than half of what I wrote, only talked about what was going on in his life, no interest in me at all. Not sure why it's so surprising that some men are bad at texting?!

I travel quite a lot, both for work and fun. With friends, and as I mentioned upthread I've also been on a solo group travel holiday. I have a happily married sibling. My relationship with my parents isn't perfect but generally ok

I have been trying, and have explained various things I've attempted. Clearly I haven't succeeded, hence coming here for advice about what to do differently. Of course I can and will try harder, but do you have nothing in life that you're bad at? Have put effort in at but still failed? I appreciate being so hopeless at finding relationship is very unusual, but surely it's not so hard to believe that I might genuinely be trying and yet still not have got anywhere?

I’ve already commented once, but reading more of your responses, your lack of excitement of dating, I just wonder how much ‘sexual energy’ you have? That’s not a criticism at all and I’m not saying you should change who you are, but I do think it’s something men pick up on and look for signs of. Just maybe something else to consider

I have things i am bad at in life.Of course.

I don't think you can be bad at meeting someone though. Everyone has had a girlfriend or boyfriend at some point it's very unusual not to have done. To go through your entire life, from cradle to grave, never having met someone is rare.

You can't be bad at dating in the way you can be bad at playing the violin to be honest. Post, anyone can find a partner, not very many people can play the violin to a good standard. It's not about being bad at something..

It's just your posts are littered with contradictions.You an introvert, don't like meeting people.And then in the next breath, you say you've got a massive rich social life with hobbies, and goodness knows what I mean, which is true.

Yes, I have been on a date with someone and really disliked them, but persevered...

I went on a first date quite some time ago. Now, I took one look at him, and within a couple of exchanges, I thought, no. I don't like him.I m not gonna be able to fancy him. He's just not my type. But I stuck the date out and I didn't intend ever contacting him again.

I got a really heartfelt message from him. A couple of days later, saying he thought we'd had a really good time, and if that wasn't the vibe, he wishes me. Well, i'm also, actually, you know what he was eloquent.He was kind, he was quite funny. Decided to give it another go and on our second date.I liked him a bit more. Third date even more. Fourth date, we had a quick kiss to say goodbye. Etc etc

Now it's been nearly 3 years we've been together.

Id been single since 2012 before that and probably made the same excuses.

How many dates did you go on with the “bad tester” and what was he like in real life?

Really sorry if missed (but you’re posted a lot of long posts and I have lost track l!) but would you like children OP?

OP wrote: made a sexist comment on the first date and was also rude about one of my hobbies was even more unkind on the second date and also proved to be a bad texter.

I wouldn't have made a third date with that one, either!

It's just your posts are littered with contradictions.You an introvert, don't like meeting people.And then in the next breath, you say you've got a massive rich social life with hobbies, and goodness knows what I mean, which is tru

good point

I think you can be an introvert with a lot of hobbies and friends though (I would consider I am myself). I remember at a work training day I was told I’m an extroverted introvert or something 😂

Op. Can I ask a very shallow question as I see you’ve had every suggestion thrown at you, but it appears not this one, how do you present yourself, as in how do you dress, when you go on dates, or hang out with the man you’re attracted to. How do you do your hair and make up, wear fragrance, good supportive underwear etc. I see you do find some men attractive , albeit not many, but when you do, they don’t feel it back . Men are visual creatures, so when it comes to first dates, how we present is key.

I have a loose friend who I met at uni, she was also religious, and not so much now, but if I’m completely honest, she dresses really frumpy and in a unattractive manner, not great clothes, shapeless and dated, or very low effort, her hair is in a practical style, there is nothing about the way she presents men would find attractive, nothing elegant, or youthful, fashionable, sexy, or fun, even when she thinks she’s making an effort , she’s bordering on hailey from corrie. She’s a lovely lady, but she wears the clothing style her religious upbringing expected of her, everyone, probably wrongly will say oh you look nice, but she’s the female equivalent of the middle aged bloke in socks and sandals, and as shallow as it is, men really are visual creatures and presenting in an attractive manner is key.

But to become someone with a lots of friend, loads of hobbies and a very rich social life…. I don’t see how you can be an introvert who doesn’t like meeting new people then?