Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Well she's talking nonsense and being unkind to you.
I'd stop all the shopping and cooking and leave it to someone else. She doesn't appreciate you, so why should you do it?
I'd also go low to no contact with her.

Size 14/16 is completely normal.

Size 14 - 16 is a little overweight from a health point of view but is also fairly average. Many women who are far larger than that are in happy relationships.

If you're not in a relationship, it's far more likely to be down to bad luck; spending so much time caring for your ungrateful mum that you don't have time to go out and meet someone or having low self esteem because of your mum's unkind sniping (low self esteem could make you dismiss positive signals from men or, if you do get positive vibes from someone, mean that you don't have the confidence to respond).

I'd point out that if you weren't constantly running around taking care of her you'd have more time to take care of yourself.

Just shut her down with your happy, confident and don’t want to lose weight. That’s more attractive to anyone

Well no, of course you aren’t. I should think caring duties leave you less time to meet people? Perhaps your Mum is trying to express her hope (albeit very clumsily!) that you have a good life that you enjoy, as she must know you’re giving up a lot of time to help her.
I’d probably just tell her she was making me feel rubbish about myself and ask her if she’d stop mentioning my weight. I’d also say you were glad to be away from someone who treated you so badly!

Your mother sounds awful, tell her that you’ll have more time to date if you stop doing what you do for her and see what she thinks of that. Tell her you’ll be seeing less of her if she doesn’t stop going on about your weight.

14/16 isn’t that big and there are certainly a lot of women in relationships that are as big as you and even bigger so I don’t think that’s the issue.

She's being very judgemental and I would be telling her to put a sock in it in no uncertain terms.

OK.... well, does this come from a good place? What do you think is happening here; bullying? Undiagnosed dementia? A genuine belief that women need to look a certain way, and that getting their man is the peak of achievement? Does she say these sort of things about your siblings?You could try simply saying Mum, you know that's not true, stop saying it. Amd if she keeps on, repeat, and tease her about it. But how effective that would be depends on what is going on. Engaging her by implying that you would lose weight if only she would be encouraging is wrong because its not true. It also encourages her, so don't engage in the discussion or respond after you've told her to stop a few times. If that's manageable.

No one is “too fat” for a relationship - what an awful suggestion to have made.

I’ve tried everything - I’ve tried leaving the room if she says it, I’ve tried humour, I’ve tried saying I’m fine as I am and that I saw a very happy large lady happily married to a doting husband (to this one she responded that “the husband must have met her when she was younger and slimmer”).

the only thing I can do, I think, is to be completely silent, and leave the room if possible if she mentions my weight - but she is sneaky and burrows it into conversations we have about other things - she will also do things like say I must be “obsessed with food” if I say I got a good bargain in the supermarket reduced section - tedious and dispiriting. I don’t think she has dementia as she’s very on the ball in all respects

Well no wonder your siblings have excuses for not coming to visit her if she is as nasty to them as she is to you.

Can she afford to pay someone to do the jobs for her that you currently do? If so I would be organising someone to do that and reduce my visits to her to the bare minimum.

Just because she is your mother doesn't give her the right to deliberately destroy your self esteem and make you unhappy.

To appeal to mainstream male dating market you need three things - beautiful hair cut, dressing up for dates to imitate hourglass figure ( think Kate Winslet / Monica Belucci styles) and siren glam make up. With this combo- size 14/16 will be irrelevant. Your job is to attract first and only then you can show your personality. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures and appearance is important to them

Leaving the room is still quite a strong response, is she trying to provoke you? Or is it something else? Ive seen people suggest grey rock, that's a possibility too. And maybe take a short break - not going NC but taking some time away for yourself.

Never forget that this woman is trying to destroy your confidence so you don’t leave her

You need to be more direct, you’re being far too polite and she’s able to continue.

‘Mum, don’t mention my weight or I will leave your house. If you continue to do it, I will stop visiting.’

If she mentions it, then leave. Let her contact you and stick to the rule, if she mentions your weight, you leave, if she continues to do it, stop visiting. She needs you, so will get the message.

She sounds just plain nasty and it's no wonder your siblings avoid her. You can't actually make her stop saying these things, you can't control how she behaves and she doesn't listen to you when you've told her to stop. You can only control your reaction to her - either cut down contact and tell her why or leave the room when she starts and refuse to engage with her .

I think you just need to 'be more dog' about it. Immediate angry clear response 'stop going on about my weight!' every time. Subtle stuff isn't working is it.

Hmmmmm I've got none of those things. I live in jeans/T-shirts; don't wear make up and definitely don't have a beautiful haircut 😂

I do have a husband who wasn't really attracted by looks at all (thank God!)

We share a sense of humour and have the same political outlook. Also love animals etc

🤔 WTF?

My mum is the same age as yours OP, and absolutely obsessed with weight - her own and everyone else's. She's a big fan of both overt and passive aggressive bitchy comments about all sorts of things, really.

Except with me. Because she knows I won't put up with it. Actually, I don't put up with shit from anyone and she's no exception. You need the same standards for yourself.

Generally I will give one sharp warning. Something along the lines of 'I don't understand why you keep harping on about my weight when you know it's hurtful to me.' Or 'I came here today to help you, why are you being unnecessarily cruel to me?

If it happens again, I'm out of there. No big scene, just 'OK that's enough for one day, I'm out. Bye.'

Stay strong, she'll get it eventually.

Tell your mother this from me. It’s 4:30am and Im awake because I have just had a phenomenal shag with my gorgeous husband who has a terrific body, face, amazing personality and who adores me. So there, mother 😒
Im currently a size 18 as we have had 4 children and he hasn’t slowed down on his affection of adoration of me since i gained weight with each pregnancy and failed miserably to lose it 😂
I ask him would he have chased me if I was this size when we met and he says absolutely. His ex girlfriend is gorgeous and around a size 20, maybe 22. He never once, even when I was slim, bad mouthed her about her weight. (May have complained she got custody of her own cat but that’s another story) and his ultimate crush is little mix’s Jade, but he is delighted now she’s gained a bit of weight. Thinks it makes her look more cuddly 😂
He isn't a fetishising chubby chaser before anyone mentions it. He is actively helping me with my weight loss because he knows that I want to lose enough weight to not worry about the health complications that come with it. But he still shares our pictures on his social media, video calls me from the pub to say hi to the lads when he’s had too many. My weight has never made him change towards me.
I read on Mumsnet when I have a scroll how some “DH’s” are vile when their wives go from a size 8 to a 12 after 2 kids. Those men exist, but so do really lovely ones who don’t place your worth on the number on the scales. My friend is online dating as a larger woman currently, like me a size 18 and she’s very open in her chats on dates how if men prefer slimmer bodies then she’d rather they found a slimmer woman. She finds plenty of men who are genuinely interested in her and love her fuller figure, they are out there. Know your worth. Do not settle. Do not think you have to have a body you’d struggle to maintain without the help of weight loss injections, or extreme dieting or even surgery to find someone. And as a previous poster pointed out, 16 is very much typical size these days. We’re all fatter than our grandparents generation. The use of convenience food/anti depressants/all the other modern day shit. And be firm with your mother to shut up about your weight. Tell her if you wanted to discuss your weight with anyone you would join a slimming group.

Spend less time with your mother.
Yes, attend to her medical appointments but seek other options re shopping and cooking etc.

Have the shopping delivered.

Cook once per month in batches and ask your siblings to do the same or order pre cooked frozen meals to be delivered.

Spend the extra time you have on taking a daily walk somewhere that clears your mind and inspires your senses.

Simply walk out when mother mentions your weight, every time.

Be available for dates and join groups and hobbies where you are likely to meet friends who have similar interests.
Choirs, gardening groups, charities, Italian cooking classes, etc.

You are considerate to care for your Mum. Kind people are likely to have lovely friends regardless of their weight.
Don't forget your own needs.

I have also said this - I have said if she mentions it again I’ll go and live faraway. The problem is she and I both know I’m stuck where I am (lots of reasons - work, very low income at the moment) so it’s a pipe dream and empty threat. I do need to think this through though.

Thank you so much xx

Thanks so much. Yes I must be strict about the dinners and make them convenient for me. And I must get out there! X