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Original poster

Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

301 replies

WildflowerGardens · 27/08/2025 03:40

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 27/08/2025 06:52

cariadlet · 27/08/2025 03:56

Size 14 - 16 is a little overweight from a health point of view but is also fairly average. Many women who are far larger than that are in happy relationships.

If you're not in a relationship, it's far more likely to be down to bad luck; spending so much time caring for your ungrateful mum that you don't have time to go out and meet someone or having low self esteem because of your mum's unkind sniping (low self esteem could make you dismiss positive signals from men or, if you do get positive vibes from someone, mean that you don't have the confidence to respond).

This.

You DO have a choice. You don’t have to care for your mum. You can step away. The sky won’t fall in.

oldclock · 27/08/2025 06:54

Get a life of your own and leave this horrible woman to it.

Dolphinnoises · 27/08/2025 06:54

The only way you can change this dynamic is if you change. It’s hard but you need to tell your mother she is being rude. Move your relationship from parent:child interactions to adult:adult. To shift the dial you might need basically to tell her off.

What she is saying is cruel and unnecessary. If I were you I would tell her the truth, which is the fact you are living with your mother is much more likely to put off potential dates than being a size 14, which is the average size for a woman (or was, could be bigger now actually - that was in the 90s)

MrsDoubtfire1 · 27/08/2025 06:59

Sounds like you ended up with all the responsibility. Put your mother's comments down to her age. Many elderly people lose their filters. My mother did and could be very hurtful. I was told to focus on her positives and leave the negatives. The problem is that if someone comments on ones person, too tall, too short, too large, too slim, it sets off a pattern matching trend which makes us turn over and over in our minds what was said, meant, etc Best put all that aside and focus on how you can relax, find time for yourself (older people can be demanding) and if you do like cooking why not eat meals from a smaller plate and eat smaller portions of what you like. Perhaps remove one item from you diet like that bar of chocolate mid afternoon. You will be surprised how much difference it makes. As you get older the weight can creep up so the best way is to keep it off before it creeps up. Perhaps make a goal of a lesser 14 so it is not too hard to achieve. Also, try to get out for walks every day even for 15 mins to half a hour. It all helps to keep up your spirits. Get your siblings to also take care of mum for a day or two. It is as much their responsibility as yours and don't be a people pleaser or think you are gaining brownie points for doing everything. I don't accept that people lead busy lives as they can make time for what they want to do i.e. partying, holidays etc. Your mother is equally important as their lives. Put in your boundaries soon and, as the youngest, don't allow yourself to ridden over roughshod, just because of the age difference.

CautiousLurker01 · 27/08/2025 06:59

AHellOfAGoodNight · 27/08/2025 04:46

You need to be more direct, you’re being far too polite and she’s able to continue.

‘Mum, don’t mention my weight or I will leave your house. If you continue to do it, I will stop visiting.’

If she mentions it, then leave. Let her contact you and stick to the rule, if she mentions your weight, you leave, if she continues to do it, stop visiting. She needs you, so will get the message.

This would be my strategy. Make it clear that you will leave - and do it. You can come and check on her the next day if that is what you do, but you don’t just leave the room. You tell you she is rude and hurtful and you put your coat on and leave immediately. Being old, being dependent is no excuse for rudeness or for what is abuse.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/08/2025 07:00

WildflowerGardens · 27/08/2025 05:31

Re social care - she has had this before , she shooes away anyone trying to do the form and says she can do everything herself. But left to her own devices she eats peanut butter from the jar, a banana and Waitrose cappuccino mousses and NOTHING else (although I suppose councils don’t care so much about that)

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Show quote history

Let her.

I had one who kept sacking the carers we organised. She had to go into a home eventually.

Your mother is eating your life away, and showing you nothing but contempt.

She’s only a person. Not God. You owe her nothing. Any of your perceived debts have been paid, with interest.

If you really can’t bear to walk away, just put the phone down on her when she starts. If she starts when you’re at her home, don’t just leave the room, leave the building. Go home.

I really feel for you, you sound lovely. Of course you’re not too big for a relationship; you’re too busy. Time to make room.

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/08/2025 07:00

I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

That is ‘much’. @WildflowerGardens please come over to the cockroach cafe thread on the elderly parents board. There are lots of us drowning with caring for parents, work, kids etc and it’s a good place to vent and get your hand held.

My FIL is the sort to comment on ladies’ appearances. Said it was nice to see MIL losing a bit, turned out to be leukaemia. Commented once on my weight (currently a 14 from a 10 because I have no time for the gym because of looking after them), he didn’t expect the sharpness of the reply, and has never done it since. You’re allowed to tell them when they’re out of order. I don’t think the body positivity idea has made it to their generation.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/08/2025 07:02

MrsDoubtfire1 · 27/08/2025 06:59

Sounds like you ended up with all the responsibility. Put your mother's comments down to her age. Many elderly people lose their filters. My mother did and could be very hurtful. I was told to focus on her positives and leave the negatives. The problem is that if someone comments on ones person, too tall, too short, too large, too slim, it sets off a pattern matching trend which makes us turn over and over in our minds what was said, meant, etc Best put all that aside and focus on how you can relax, find time for yourself (older people can be demanding) and if you do like cooking why not eat meals from a smaller plate and eat smaller portions of what you like. Perhaps remove one item from you diet like that bar of chocolate mid afternoon. You will be surprised how much difference it makes. As you get older the weight can creep up so the best way is to keep it off before it creeps up. Perhaps make a goal of a lesser 14 so it is not too hard to achieve. Also, try to get out for walks every day even for 15 mins to half a hour. It all helps to keep up your spirits. Get your siblings to also take care of mum for a day or two. It is as much their responsibility as yours and don't be a people pleaser or think you are gaining brownie points for doing everything. I don't accept that people lead busy lives as they can make time for what they want to do i.e. partying, holidays etc. Your mother is equally important as their lives. Put in your boundaries soon and, as the youngest, don't allow yourself to ridden over roughshod, just because of the age difference.

Don’t give her bloody diet tips!

Fgs.

OhHellolittleone · 27/08/2025 07:02

there are plenty men that won’t bat an eyelid at your weight - my husband is himself a little overweight and I think he’s more comfortable with me not being super slim. We do talk about weight from a health pov sometimes but it’s really not a big part of our conversations/ lives.

my dados very critical of weight, I have to be sharp. ‘Don’t make comments like that. It’s rude’.

MrsVinceVega · 27/08/2025 07:03

WildflowerGardens · 27/08/2025 05:31

Re social care - she has had this before , she shooes away anyone trying to do the form and says she can do everything herself. But left to her own devices she eats peanut butter from the jar, a banana and Waitrose cappuccino mousses and NOTHING else (although I suppose councils don’t care so much about that)

Edited
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So let her!

BusWankers · 27/08/2025 07:03

dontcryformeargentina · 27/08/2025 04:40

To appeal to mainstream male dating market you need three things - beautiful hair cut, dressing up for dates to imitate hourglass figure ( think Kate Winslet / Monica Belucci styles) and siren glam make up. With this combo- size 14/16 will be irrelevant. Your job is to attract first and only then you can show your personality. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures and appearance is important to them

😂 😂 😂 men don't care where they put it generally.

ThatCyanCat · 27/08/2025 07:04

Of course you're not too fat for love. But your awful mother wants you to think you are, presumably so that she never has to share the resource that is you.

AppleCrumbleAndIScream · 27/08/2025 07:06

WildflowerGardens · 27/08/2025 04:28

I’ve tried everything - I’ve tried leaving the room if she says it, I’ve tried humour, I’ve tried saying I’m fine as I am and that I saw a very happy large lady happily married to a doting husband (to this one she responded that “the husband must have met her when she was younger and slimmer”).

the only thing I can do, I think, is to be completely silent, and leave the room if possible if she mentions my weight - but she is sneaky and burrows it into conversations we have about other things - she will also do things like say I must be “obsessed with food” if I say I got a good bargain in the supermarket reduced section - tedious and dispiriting. I don’t think she has dementia as she’s very on the ball in all respects

Show quote history

From what you say, I don’t think she has dementia either. She sounds like a nasty bully and she needs telling! Who does she think she is?! People come in all shapes and sizes and that’s ok. Beauty can be found in all shapes and sizes. Being a size 8 does not make anyone perfect and it doesn’t necessarily make everyone happy. If it did, your mum wouldn’t feel the need to be so unkind and keep putting you down with her nasty diatribe.

Vallmo47 · 27/08/2025 07:08

I’m sorry your mum is putting you through this OP, it’s unacceptable. Next time she brings it up I would say “Mum, let me stop you there. These conversation have to stop, I will no longer put up with being spoken to like this. If you cannot control your tongue, I will make other arrangements for people to care for you and I will find a way of making my visits much less regular. If that’s what you want, mention my weight one more time because the next time you do it I am walking out and making these arrangements. And when I next visit, which will be much less frequently, if you mention my weight again, again I will leave and be gone for even longer. The choice is yours - stop or reap the consequences. Because like you say yourself- I can’t find a man while I’m busying my time cooking and caring for you”.

Namechangerage · 27/08/2025 07:09

WildflowerGardens · 27/08/2025 05:31

Re social care - she has had this before , she shooes away anyone trying to do the form and says she can do everything herself. But left to her own devices she eats peanut butter from the jar, a banana and Waitrose cappuccino mousses and NOTHING else (although I suppose councils don’t care so much about that)

Edited
Show quote history

She is not your sole responsibility. You have siblings. You need to tell them. I am only going to be doing 2 days a week from now on. Either mum accesses support from x or you help.

Repeat. Why are you not “in a position” to step away? She’s being horrible to you. Geographical proximity doesn’t mean it all falls on you.

In the interim, next time your mum says about meeting a man. “Mum, I’ll never meet anyone while I spend all my time here will I? Nothing to do with my weight. Why aren’t my lazy siblings helping?”

Motnight · 27/08/2025 07:12

dontcryformeargentina · 27/08/2025 04:40

To appeal to mainstream male dating market you need three things - beautiful hair cut, dressing up for dates to imitate hourglass figure ( think Kate Winslet / Monica Belucci styles) and siren glam make up. With this combo- size 14/16 will be irrelevant. Your job is to attract first and only then you can show your personality. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures and appearance is important to them

Good morning 1950s!

Op take no notice of this post, it's as bonkers as your mother.

Owly11 · 27/08/2025 07:12

Can’t believe you are caring for her tbh. She expects you to do everything for her but she can’t even be polite? It may sound harsh but you reap what you sow in life and if I were you I would pull back from looking after her. She needs to learn that what she is saying to you is not ok.

JudeyJudey · 27/08/2025 07:13

I agree with PP, follow her advice and start leaving her some sandwiches so you can get out there meeting people, get to a gym, go for a walk, join a weightloss group and a choir and a book club - whatever works for you.

BetweenTwoFerns · 27/08/2025 07:15

I have also said this - I have said if she mentions it again I’ll go and live faraway. The problem is she and I both know I’m stuck where I am (lots of reasons - work, very low income at the moment) so it’s a pipe dream and empty threat. I do need to think this through though.

You aren’t stuck, it’s not a pipe dream. You have been worn down by your own mother who is trying to put you where she wants you.

To me, it doesn’t seem like she’s be pleased for you if you met someone nice who loved you. Nor would she like it if you got a better job with more pay and responsibility.

You don’t have to do these things for her.

ChaToilLeam · 27/08/2025 07:15

She's happy to chip away at your self esteem and refuses outside help, forcing you to do all the caring - that's not right. She doesn't want you to have a relationship because of course then you would have less time for her.

You need to step back or your best years will be consumed by running around after this mean and selfish woman. I think your siblings have the measure of her.

Zanatdy · 27/08/2025 07:19

Of course you’re not too fat for a relationship.

Re the pancreatitis, I suffer from that too, now chronic, so in constant pain, though a lot better after a major surgery to remove part of my gallbladder. Low fat eating will help with that, and losing weight if that’s what you want. Hopefully removal of your GB will sort it out. For me, the problem only became detected after removal of the GB and i’ve had it 15yrs now. Horrible illness. Take care of yourself as well as taking care of others.

BilbaoBaggage · 27/08/2025 07:22

dontcryformeargentina · 27/08/2025 04:40

To appeal to mainstream male dating market you need three things - beautiful hair cut, dressing up for dates to imitate hourglass figure ( think Kate Winslet / Monica Belucci styles) and siren glam make up. With this combo- size 14/16 will be irrelevant. Your job is to attract first and only then you can show your personality. Unfortunately, men are visual creatures and appearance is important to them

Hahahahaha!
I met my husband while I was wearing my military uniform, hair scraped back in a bun and zero make up.
It definitely wasn't my siren glam that appealed to him.

CarlaLemarchant · 27/08/2025 07:22

Can’t add anything re your weight as everyone has said it.

However I do notice you don’t seem to mention work or friends which is why her opinion matters so much to you.

From what you’ve said she doesn’t need full time care, so start building a life for yourself, get a job if you don’t have one, expand your contact with the outside world. Dip your toe into online dating if you are up for it (thick skin required). Develop a hobby.

I’m not saying abandon your mum, but you’re neglecting your own life.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 27/08/2025 07:23

Don't just leave the room.
Walk out of the house, go home and dont go back until the next day.
Every time.

If it was me, I wouldn't go back at all, I'd tell her the reason I cant get a man is because I have to take care of her so I dont have time for a relationship but it's clear that's not a choice you are prepared to make (yet), so leaving the house the moment she says anything that hurts you may be the best way you can train her.

And I mean the moment. Mid sentence, mid making drinks, mid anything. Get up, gather your things, walk out

When she makes spiteful remarks about your weight, or about you leaving when she does, or any time some nasty shit comes out of her mouth for that matter. Leave.

SatsumaDog · 27/08/2025 07:23

She is being utterly ridiculous and very unkind. Of course you’re not too fat for a relationship. Size 14-16 is probably around average and plenty of women that size are in long term relationships.

I would shut her down every time. Say ‘mum, I’ve discussed this with you many times and have nothing more to say about it.’ Then walk away. Repeat until she stops.

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